SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I live in the UK and I'm so glad to have found this site. I'm 49 and my husband is 50. Seven days ago my husband broke down telling me I needed to break up with him as he had cheated on me with a sex worker and I deserved better. It appears the guilt of him going for an STI test proved too much and he had to tell me (the results at the time hadn't come back but he's a health phobic at the best of times and was convinced he had infected us both) I managed to calm him down and get him to talk openly. I have no idea what happened but something took over and I was too worried about his mental state to be angry. After he calmed down enough to talk clearly, he confessed to have cheated on me 3 times during our 9 year relationship and he has also cheated on his previous girlfriends with sex workers too (but they never found out). He had also used cam girls too.

He went to his first sex addicts anonymous meeting (in person) the following day... and by the fourth day we were having our first marriage therapy session via Zoom (all found online by me). He came back from the SAA meeting in a much better frame of mind and the marriage therapist suggested he see the doctor about getting anti depressants and also asking about an ADHD diagnoses. (She had little to say to me)

I seemed to be on autopilot the past few days and then finally, the day after the therapy session which managed to make me feel even lonelier, it all hit me and I finally cried long and hard but I was so shocked that I hadn't seemed to process anything up to that point.

Thankfully the STI test came back all clear so that's something I guess. I feel so alone and like my entire universe has shifted to a dark side I knew nothing about. I know I can't tell anyone what I'm going through
My friends would not understand why I'm not running for the hills and the friendship would no doubt change. My family would be devastated, my grown up kids from my first marriage adore their stepfather and I'm very fond of my stepson (my husbands son from his previous relationship)

I've found COSA and my first zoom meeting with them is tomorrow and I hope speaking to others might help me process my emotions.

Husband has appointment with doctor next week too to talk about anti depressants and ADHD as therapist suggested. I have a tracker on his phone and he's put adult site blockers on his phone.

He says he's determined to get help and save our marriage.... but then says something like "I will probably only need to go to SAA meetings for a few months" (It was only his first meeting, perhaps he doesn't realise this is a long term thing just yet, he will be getting a sponsor next week)

The only other time I was previously aware he cheated was before we got married (again he went for an STI test and the guilt took over) At the time he told me it was an ex girlfriend and I eventually forgave him. (Of course now he's confessed that it had actually been a sex worker.)

He says he wants to just be honest with me from now and wants to get the help he needs to keep me and be the husband I deserve....

....am I just the worlds biggest idiot?

If his therapist thinks he has they will probably state this is a years long addiction to overcome. And it sounds like he has it.
The issue facing you is if you can live with an addict, hopefully one no longer acting out.
It might help you to go to the Anon group for spouses.
Also your dr might give you temp meds for anxiety.
Focus on your health. Long term stress can wreck your immmune system
Try to get enough sleep.
Eat healthy.
Set boundaries.

So he needs IC - individual counseling not marriage counseling. HE cheated, not the M.
Also, only a qualified therapist should diagnose him with any SA.

Are you in IC? You need to be in IC for YOU. To help you decide what is best for you.

And stop driving the R bus. If he can find cam girls and prostitutes he can figure out how to find therapists, books on infidelity, etc.

Do the 180 (read about it in the healing library) and spend your time and energy focusing on you. This is a TRAUMA to you, and you need to look after yourself.

Do you have kids? Your own income? What support do you have IR? Keep reading and keep posting.
And know that you will get through this.

If he can find cam girls and prostitutes he can figure out how to find therapists, books on infidelity, etc.

Not only can he do that because he's an adult but it's also something you can use to guage his involvement and drive to actually move this problem forward. If he doesn't put in the effort, then he's probably not worth your effort, kwim? You really want to watch his actions now, and not just listen to his words. Words are easy.

Thanks all. You are right I need to step down from being the fixer. Something I find so hard to do. Financially we are both on the same salary and have seperate bank accounts (with one shared one for all the bills). I definitely need his share of the monthly mortgage payment and I'm ashamed to admit it but I was also thinking when he initially had his breakdown and blurted everything out "if we split up we lose our house" which I know seems like a ridiculous thing to think at the time (we really worked hard to get the home we have now). I'm still so shocked at my reaction of looking after him rather than throwing something at him! I have a meeting this evening for partners of sex addicts (they also have a 12 step program ...which is interesting?)
I didn't think about seeing the doctor for anti depressants myself. I shall make and appointment (thank you)

You are not "an idiot" for staying and reconciling with your H.

He seems to welcome the opportunity to help himself and that is a positive sign. I hoping Reconciliation goes well and you can weather this storm together. FYI it’s a long slow Reconciliation process. It can take years and I don’t think your H is aware that he isn’t going to support meetings 3x lol. 😂

I am suggesting that you financially start to protect yourself now. Get a savings plan in place in your name only. Get wills updated if necessary. Have your own credit cards in your own name. Maybe cancel joint cards just to protect yourself.

You just don’t know what the future holds. And you want yo be prepared — illness, disability, long term care situation, etc. If you lose his salary, you want to be sure you can financially recover and support yourself / family if necessary.

BearlyBreathing nailed it on the head multiple times. He need to do the work. He needs to find the therapists. He needs to go to the meetings religiously. He needs to fix himself and hope one day you can see him again as a safe partner.

I pushed / demanded my wife start IC. I thought she would go for maybe two or three months and say okay everything is all better and if she had I would have ended the relationship but here we are almost 2 years later and she is still going. She is finally processing some pretty bad stuff from her childhood that I'm being told is part of the reason why she did what she did

Skip the MC for now as they typically try to convince you to put the affair behind you and focus on building a brand new shiny sparkly relationship and that is a mistake IMO. I suggest you start IC and then several months down the road decide if you still want to work on the relationship.

The fact he came to you with this is a good sign. Had my wife come to me because the guilt was crushing her we would be in a much better place already but when the BS finds out it takes much much longer to repair the damage

Thank you all. You have no idea how just being able to tell someone else what's going on has lifted the cloud a little (actually that's a daft thing to say, of course you know exactly what its like) I'm very grateful to have found this forum.