SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I tested my W as much as I could during R. I she wasn't going to do her work, I wanted to know ASAP. I also asked for what I wanted - the scarier an answer could be, the more I forced myself to ask. I recommend that approach to anyone considering R.

So I recommend asking your W to forgo the girls' trip. It's an entirely reasonable request soon after d-day.

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I insisted on having some visibility into my W's therapy. One of my requirements for R was that W sign a release allowing her therapist to talk to me. Her therapist said she'd require a joint session if I asked anything that couldn't be answered in a few words, and that was fine with me. Without a release, the therapist may not be able to talk to you; here W's therapist can't talk to anyone but the client without a release.

W's IC was our MC, so I knew what my W was working on. In your case, I'd probably insist on a joint session to make sure that your W's IC knows about the A and to get an idea of the IC's attitude toward infidelity.

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Have you considered IC for yourself?

Good advice thank you.

Yes, I started IC last week virtually and have my first in person session tomorrow. I tried to avoid it as I don't usually open up, but I've realized I cannot bottle this I and can't do it alone. I've been having a lot of panic attacks and flooding of thoughts and mental images which has basically completely prevented me from sleeping.

I think your last thought on letting the AP's girlfriend know is that you would tell her eventually and certainly before she would marry the AP.

How long might that be? The AP's potential angry reaction is on him, but the fact that you're sitting on information that massively impacts this other woman's life and are not sharing it is your choice. If the tables were turned, how would you feel when the AP's girlfriend told you about the affair, and when you said "how long have you known" her answer was "months"?

Intentional omission is still dishonesty. I'd encourage you to think again about waiting to tell the AP's girlfriend.

Your potential concerns about her therapist are insightful; many therapists do not have experience counseling post infidelity and will not be helpful for her becoming safe for the marriage. I would take this seriously, the last thing you need is her therapist rationalizing her behavior and feelings during the affair. It's only one data point but her encouraging your wife to go to the festival so soon is a bit of a red flag the therapist does not understand infidelity and the impact it has on the BS.

Does your wife have a source for what she should be doing right now? The books How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair and Not Just Friends would be helpful.

Arnold, believe me I understand. I recognize the hypocrisy of me wanting the truth but potentially omitting truth from the other woman. I just cant gauge how aggressive he is and would regret it much more if my disclosing led to a stalker/crazy scenario. But again im determined to disclose this to her soon.

Trdd, yeah that’s what I was getting at. I don’t want to dictate her therapy but there’s already indications of a lack of infidelity knowledge. I would think common sense, let alone a college degree, would say maybe skip the music festival a few months after getting caught in an affair when the betrayed spouse is committed to reconciliation.

We ordered how to help your spouse heal and she’s going to start reading it tomorrow

I’m not big on bullshit…
Seeing as the wedding was not local and seeing as the affair was online I’m assuming OM isn’t close. Like at least an hours drive away or even farther. Am I wrong? Is he local?

So what is it you fear he does?
How can he stalk her, out her or whatever without outing himself?
You are making the assumption that his GF will cut off the engagement. It will definitely put sand in the Vaseline, but chances are great that he convinces his GF that you are a nutcase, that nothing happened and after a few days things will smooth out. BUT the goal has been attained: The minimizing of the risk of this happening again.

If he’s THAT crazy, then aren’t you afraid of his anger when your wife cuts him off?
Or anger directed at you seeing as it’s you that are keeping him from his crumpet?
For how long have you planned to remain in the shadow of his possible anger?
Why not play it safe and simply ask your wife to sext him? After all – that should keep him happy – and you two safe…

We have suggested an NC letter. Why so quiet on that idea?

OP – I have realized that what I was doing is betraying my marriage and I have committed to my marriage. I will never again in any way or form intitiate contact with you and request that you do not contact me. Any contact will be shared with my husband and can lead to legal action.

See that part about legal action? He starts bugging you and it’s a restraining order.
Your wife is asking her therapist how to react if OM contacts her. What does the NC letter stipulate?
It’s all laid out there.

Friend – if your wife’s moral compass is so skewed that she needs to get directions from her therapist on how to react to ongoing contact with OM…