SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have permission to go on my husband of 20+ years’ phone. Found some flirty texts with a girl who gave him her number at a restaurant. She also texted him a sexy pic. Also found an email
He sent inquiring to an escort for a business trip he was going to be going on. I couldn’t find evidence that anything came of it, and he swears up and down he never went through with anything. I keep telling myself is possible that’s true, that I caught him in the first attempts. I never thought this would be my life. But I also keep trying to tell myself if nothing "happened" it’s not the big deal I’m making it. He’s not the calculating, secretive type, so this shocked me. Both of these situations, especially the sexy texts, he claims he doesn’t remember the details (it was about 6months ago). I want so bad to believe him but am on the struggle bus.

I'm so sorry you are in this position.

I notice this is your first post so I assume you are new here. You are about to receive some amazing replies to this post with some excellent advice from others who have been in your shoes, and your husband's.

If this is happening in real time and you have just found out, please listen to their advice and take it immediately. I did not have their perspective and advice, and caused another 3 years of pain and relapses due to my initial response to my wife's affair. Read up on the 180 strategy that's pinned.

I will say this, though. DO NOT trust what he is saying right now. You guys may have a great marriage, both want to reconcile, and I pray you recover and build a new and better marriage. BUT, your husband is in damage control. He may love you with all his heart and mean it when he says he doesn't want to lose you. But right now he will lie as much as he has to in order to cover this up.

[This message edited by Carpenter81 at 6:32 PM, Wednesday, April 22nd]

Is called gaslighting.

Doesn’t remember any details right? But he can swear and explain to you in every detail how he totally never followed through.

Is just because the compromising details are so slippery and totally not because he is a cheater and a liar. Is you imagining things and making a big deal out of nothing.

Gaslighting.

We all been through it, don’t worry cheaters always lie and shift their blame on us.

It’s basically the strongest evidence he is a cheater, seriously is so predictable is not even funny anymore.

He was entertaining sexual / emotional connection with another woman and hiding it from you.
Up to where they went up on the sordid scale, matters zero to your nervous system or attachment.

I am sorry I know how deeply it shatters you.
Here you will find help to navigate through the chaos and even more importantly a place where to voice your emotions and be heard, understood and never judged.

You will make it sister.
You have been heard

I’m so sorry you are in this position. But there are some very wise people here and I hope they pile on to provide advice. Some may be waaay off base but 9/10 we are pretty spot on.

It might be tough to hear. But the intent is to help you get out of this nightmare with your sanity. We are savvy enough to spot the gaslighting and manipulative behavior from cheaters.

First things first. Your husband has cheated. It doesn’t matter if it was physical, emotional, or something in between, but it’s based on the fact that he has broken a vow, has not remained truthful & is lying to you. And himself.

Based on experience, your husband will continue to deny anything happened. Whether nothing happened is really not the issue. The issue is that he broke your trust.

I don’t know if you’re able to get actual proof that he did see in an escort on his business trip. He may have been dumb enough to put it on a credit card or withdraw an unusual amount of money from your bank account to pay for the services. Unfortunately, it’s going to come down to a "he said – she said" situation.

You have now learned that your husband is the sneaky calculating type. I’m sure that was shocking to you.

I don’t know where you go from here. I think it’s going to be a series of frustrating conversations, especially if he never admits the truth.

Unfortunately, most of us here will disagree that "nothing happened". He certainly took advantage of an opportunity where he was able to get away with something — except he forgot to delete the text or message.

I would not be surprised, based on typical cheater behavior, if this is not his first time doing this. His only mistake was forgetting to delete the evidence.

Please continue to post here so we can support you.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. One thing that is nearly ubiquitous in these situations is that you are still being lied to. In this case, it’s patently obvious, pretending not to remember the details from 6 months ago.

There’s a very real chance he saw the escort, this time, or perhaps other times in the past. You and he both need to get STD testing done. It sucks and is feels embarrassing in the moment but you really have to do this. Don’t let him verbally tell you his results, insist on seeing the paperwork. Don’t sleep with him until the test results are in.

And just remember, people cheat because of what’s wrong with them, not what’s wrong with you. You did nothing to deserve this.

It's entirely possible that you did, in fact, catch him before "anything happened." A few flirty text messages, a sexy pic, and an inquiry about an escort, may be rationalized as "no big deal." However, the fact remains that he took steps. And that is betrayal enough to warrant concerns, in my opinion.

He’s not the calculating, secretive type, so this shocked me.

Most betrayed spouses are shocked by what they discover about their wayward spouses. I've often read from betrayed spouses who believed "it's so out of character." I was certainly guilty of this. I simply couldn't wrap my head around who I believed my ex-wife to be and who she demonstrated herself to be. It's such a powerful shock that it often makes a betrayed spouse question themselves and their ability to discern and accurately judge truth from lies, honesty from deception. It is a deep psychological wound.

Maybe you're right that he's not a calculating, secretive type, but he could have learned to be. He could have honed those skills.

Generally speaking, anyone busted doing wrong will head straight into damage control mode. They will lie, minimize, blame-shift, obfuscate, equivocate, and/or engage in DARVO shit.

Claiming he doesn't remember the details is dubious at best - like the "plausible deniability" garbage I've been hearing about for decades. He remembers.

There's a thread in the General forum entitled: "Keeping secrets." It's one of the most illuminating and impactful posts I've ever read here (and that's saying quite a lot after a decade as a member). Print a copy and give it to your husband.