SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I also know deep down that if I were to date before R that I would never be fully into R, and that I could potentially start a new relationship that would show me what I have been missing for almost 19 years making my sacrifices all for not.

Friend, this might be the best unintentional description of the sunk cost fallacy I have ever come across.

I was married for 19 years. 4 kids. I loved the shit out of her, never felt like I got a good ROI on that. Kept trying anyway. Turns out she wasn’t capable of it, for whatever reason. It was never going to come.
Now I’ve been dating a woman for just over a year. I’m not sure I can out love this one, and even more amazing is I don’t feel like I need to. She authentically gives, and she gratefully receives. It’s great. If I framed this as I lost something by never getting it from my ex and therefore continue banging my head against a wall, I would be a far more miserable man.
Yes, I invested much in her, and it was a bad bet. As Kenny Rogers said, gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em.

There is no tit for tat in this situation unless the betrayed becomes a cheater.

I remember not long after dday2 of the affair we were at a party. My friend’s H decided to tell me how attractive he thought I was. 😡

I got very uncomfortable and called my H over. This so called friend actually repeated what he just told me to my H. My H knew nothing would come of it but it gave him a shock to know other guys just might be interested.

Ha! A small bit if karma.

Other than that, as a betrayed you just have to accept that there is not going to be an opportunity to do anything about the situation. Unless you become a cheater or divorce to have the opportunity to meet new people you may want to have a relationship with.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:36 AM, Thursday, May 7th]

I don't have a whole lot to add that some of the other more experienced veteran members haven't already said, but just wanted to point out -

I still only really want my wife for some reason I am still unsure of. This is confusing to my analytical mind, this should be so cut and dry that it baffles me. My best interests are truly unknown to me right now

Using logic to try and understand illogical situations like this is enough to scramble Mr Spock himself. I think everyone here has felt the confusion and dissonance youre feeling right now. At a year our from d day myself, I'm still wrestling with my conflicting feelings. I love my wife more than I've ever loved anyone, but boy am I still harboring some hard feelings. Not that I'm having second thoughts or anything, I just wanted to point out that what you're going through is completely normal man. Whichever way you end up deciding to go you will come out the other side of this probably even stronger.

[This message edited by Pogre at 2:25 AM, Thursday, May 7th]