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I am doing something called NC and to tell you the truth I am scared to death. I know i have had it horrible lately, since H is keeping contact and now a potential visit is coming up with OW.

I just can't stand this heartache anymore. I cry all the time, and then get mad and sad, you name it I feel it.

How do I do this, and not feel scared?

SA

I started the 180 but had a relapse and fell into a pathetic coma. I'm picking myself up and re-igniting the 180 again.

OMG I am so glad this thread got bumped up. I heard about it, but thought it got combined with anther thread by the mods.

The article in the Healing Library didn't have Do not snoop, so I blew that one! But guess what it got me. It got me a look at her in his email - scarey at first because I pictured her as an exotic island goddess (of course, she'd have to be for him to just forget me, right? ) Well she was NOT!

and he returned-snooped on me yesterday -even changed my password- so I knew, and I kinda took it as he actually cared what I was doing!

The 180 is very hard for us enablers - so a supprt thread is great - can we vent?

edited to add: we discussed the snooping thing, and had already agreed that we wouldn't do it any more - cuz he never lied (unfortunatly j/k) and I just need to follow the 180 - I know it works, but so hard

[This message edited by Gingersnap at 11:21 PM, February 16th (Friday)]

Ok, so i get the 180 thing. BUT my fear is that if i stop talking to DH and pretend to move on, what if that pushes him TO her with him thinking I am ok and dont need him anymore?? Wont he stop feeling guilty and move forward with the girlfriend??

I figured that if i keep chatting with him and be nice to him he will realize that he actually loves me... no?

(((Make it))) - it is so hard. Trying to 180 for the nth time. I slip - but I have seen it work. I have wondered the same thing - but several have explained it as this - to appear strong - you appear more attractive, vibrant, interesting. To be a doormat, chatty cathy - you're a pushover. Not the attractive mystery. But also - the 180 isn't just to get him/her back. It is for you. To protect you. To get your life back. To find joy again. If 180 pushes him towards her - then he wasn't coming back anyway. So be strong. Find yourself in this mess. 'Fake it til you make it.' Best of luck. It is hard. Especially for enablers like me - like Ginger said. Prayers to you.

[This message edited by just_s at 8:46 PM, February 17th (Saturday)]

Also - if he feels true remorse, that won't go away. If not - it is guilt and not remorse or he's still in the fog.

Oh I think we need some experts in here. 2x4's please.

He made the comment, "Youre miserable, I'm miserable, aint life grand?" and I told him I was so ready to just be happy, that it's right there in our reach, (he knows from reading here all he has to do is to go NC which means stop talking to OW on the phone- he did initiate NC once but fell off on day 4) He mentioned tonight he thinks she is going to dump him. I told him that I am sorry for the pain we a re all feeling. He is suffering migraines every day due to the stress (karma bus)

But it's still so hard to see someone you love suffering. So, like a dumb blonde I took his comment as an open invitation from him to talk about it, and now he is sleeping in the guest room, but at least he is here.

My question is how do we know when the WS wants to really talk about it? and What helps to stop myself and recognize when the talk is going along and they clam up? Just done, that's where I always blow it and keep talking.

How do we really do 180 with kids???? I am sure that is what I must do, I just need encouragement and advice.

bump! Help us experienced wise ones!

Seriously we welcome the experts!!! Catwoman where are you??

Bump

bump

Thanks Mari!

It seems like Im on the right track at least, Im pretty much following the list before I even read it!

I just wish I found the 180 list sooner - I did alot of things I shouldn't have. Today is my 5th day following 180, no change noted in WH and perhaps never will be - if that's the case the ce la vie. I feel stronger and thats what 180 is all about.

Good luck

ok - I'm sure I'm going to really irritate a few people, especially because I am the FWS, but here it goes...

My BH has (in my opinion only. it has not been spoken about) tried this before a month or so ago. Forward to Tuesday. BS wanted to make love, but due to my previous, very down 3 days, we both had approx 2 hrs sleep and we both fell asleep.

Wednesday, he tells me he wanted to the night prior. Wed eve, he is still very tired, falls asleep. When we went to bed, I wanted him to relax, have a good night sleep, so I "took care of his needs", let's leave it at that.

Thur morning, he tells me the same, he wanted to make love to me. I asked why didn't he initiate it? He said it seemed like I wasn't interested. (he didn't try - why would he think that?...)

I snuck a hand made card into his work bag, to find later.

Dinner time, He tells me his is still so tired. I tell him I should take a shower now (i had just worked out) so that I can "rock his world, then give him "tinglies" (light back rub) and put him to sleep tonight. He said that just feels like a pity F to him.

Bed time. We went to bed at the same time, by the time I was undressed, teeth brushed etc....he was sound asleep. I cuddled up, rubbed his back and shoulders and he snored contently. I never fell asleep. He woke up at 2am PISSED. Said he should have stuck with the celibacy and the (in a nut shell) the cold shoulder when he did it before. He doesnt want to "MAKE ME" want him and it's just easier if we operate that way. I told him I felt awkward since he had made the pity F comment, but that doesnt mean I don't want him and that I cuddled up to him all night, rubbing his back etc... I asked if he does not want my affection? Does he not want me to hold him, does he not want me to tell him I love him. He said, let me make this crystal clear, No, (pushing me off/away from him) Basically, a 180. I told him I understand how he feels, but I am still going to give it to him. He said that "was on me".

Ok - my point of all this. My reaction to a 180 is, I will still tell him I love him. I will still attempt to kiss him. I will still rub his hands with lotion while watching Tv. But when he tells me, "let me be crystal clear....", No, I'm not going to initiate sex.

I think that the 180 - played by either spouse, BS or FWS, does more harm than good. He's told me how he feels. I am trying to give him whatever he needs. I am trying to respect how he feels. So if I abide, and that is interpreted as my own 180 - i see that as harmful.

I understand the attitude of 180 is that you will be strong, and you will make it through this no matter what, and I will be "ok" and stonger in the long run, with or without "you". Which mind you, I think is very healthy. I think that is an important step in healing.

But, if it is not heartfelt, then I see it almost as a "chess game". If someone is truly committed to R - then why is a game necessary?

If it truly is felt, then why isnt that step truly taken and the other spouse told that this marriage is dead for me and should be over?

I'm just saying that any emotion contrary to what is truly felt, doesn't seem like a good idea. I see that it could push two people not really ready to give up, into the thought process that "the other one doesn't care", and a premature ending to the marriage.

Kind of goes along the same lines as, as see a lot of posts that touch on, "I wish my spouse would read this." If there is a tru commitment to R, then why should we wish? I know a few times, I have told my BS - hey - I read something, or I posted something today - would you read it? Or even send them the link.

Venting today, I guess.

[This message edited by heart_less at 12:44 PM, March 9th (Friday)]

Someone who is truly committed to reconciliation would not be using the 180 rules.

It is for those where the A is ongoing-when you're dealing with a cakeman or fencesitter.

180 is not used in reconciliation- someone correct me if I'm wrong.

thank you for the insight. That's exactly what I was looking for. I guess I question BH's commitment to R, and maybe dont want to admit it to myself.

As a matter of fact, he just called. Me: Hello? BS: Can you pick up some sour cream on the way home? Me: Oki Dokie, yeah, I can. BS: OK, that is all, bye.

(from a man who tells me he loves me every single time I talk to him, even through all of this)

Does this sound like 180 to you?

Does it sound like 180 to you?

It sounds passive agressive.

I am asking question after the fact, but anyway. I have been doing great job at 180 while WS in great Fog. He ask for sex. When doing 180 and positive he has kept contact with OW, should you say Yes to sex?

I am so glad I bumped into this thread.

minigirl, 180 is passive agressive only of you do it to manipulate WS in the hope they'd come back to you.

I think it would be right to say that a lot of us had started to implement the 180 in that perspective, only to realize that it was actullay doing themselves good, no matter what the outcome should be. I am one of those.

It took me only a few days to realize it. Afterwards, there was no more questions about how I should act in this or that case. It came naturally.

In my case, 180 came as an accelerator and an eye opener, as it allowed me to step back and realized my H was gazlighting me and that I didn't have to stand it. I could regain my eyesight and enough trust in my feelings, and acknowledge that the A was still going on and that my behavior was actually fuelling it.

I have to admit : this was so hard that I had to turn myself at the ER for psychiatric emergency. The thought that I could have denied myself to the point of reaching out for someone who had such an unloving behavior was (and still is) unbearable.

So I have an ego to recontruct and this means getting a life, taking care of me on my own, collecting small victories, and not allowing him to get near me as long as he will display unsensitive, hurtful behavior towards me.

In the last days, I couldn't have the strengh to show myself as the strong, happy independent women to my WH. On the other hand, I have been very transparent as of my doubts about our future and my will to take care of myself and asked him to leave me alone. But most important, I told him I do not and will not, ever deserve that kind of disregardful behavior from him, not even in the sake of our M.

tlsmi, many, many thanks for posting this thread. Your perspective on the 180 souds very sound and right to me.

Thumbs up.