SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tricia01 depending on what state you live in and the child support guidelines of that state, your husband may have to pay retroactive child support. My H initiated the paternity action in court so that we could have control over when it took place. It forced her to have to spend money on an attorney, because our state child support agency won't get involved in a private suit. She is on welfare, so the state would have sued my H on behalf of the child otherwise. Anyhow, the temporary order for child support was signed 5 months after the infant was born. The judge ordered my H to pay Retroactive support for 5 months plus regular monthly child support. If your WS's OW takes legal action first. She may be able to get a court order, where they don't really take into account the children that the two of you have in your marriage. I got an order for child support before she did, so that I got the Most money. She and her attorney were pissed off and taken by surprise! She felt the sting of defeat.

[This message edited by icando at 10:31 PM, April 30th (Sunday)]

I thought this needed to be posted again ladies so here goes.

OC HANDBOOK OF ADVICE

1. Dna results must be established and your H should hire an atty immediately if he hasn't already done so. DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

2. If you have children of your own with your h take steps to protect them and yourself by filing for a psuedo legal separation; because in the case of child support, he who files first gets the most (in most states). It doesn't matter one bit which child came first only who files for support first. So if she files first she gets an amount based on his entire income and if you then get separated/divorced your child support would be based on a percentage of his income less what he's already paying her. Makes sense to protect yourself by filing for a separation that way if you and your husband divorce you will benefit more and if you stay together it will keep more money in your household. Even if you're financially self-sufficient you should still consider setting up a child support order because in these uncertain times you never know what tomorrow will bring i.e. corporate downsizing, etc. It never hurts to have that order in place even if you don't need it now. Also consider having alimony set up in the separation papers as it can also reduce the ow's child support order.

3. Visitation with possible oc or sending money to the ow for the oc is a no-no until dna has been established and the courts are involved. Everything should be done legally as it's the only way to protect you and your family. Trust me on this one. There are couples out there who have been dealing with an oc for several years. Visitation, money, etc. only to discover that the child is NOT his. They are embroiled in a huge legal battle because the wayward husband "assumed" parental responsibilty of the child.

4. Depending on which state you live in your h could be responsible for back child support, internment (costs of labor and delivery), the costs of the dna test if it's positive, current medical coverage and also a portion of child care costs. Any money that passes hands before a court order is made or before an attorney draws up a legal document signed by both parties may be considered a gift and may not be deducted from the back support amount owed. Some states base child support payments on both the husband and the wives income (another good reason to file for a legal separation). In other words the 'household income' is what they use to determine those payments not just the husbands income.

5. Any decisions to have contact with the oc if it is indeed your H's should be made by both of you. He should not be imposing his wants upon you if you want no contact. ANY decisions made regarding the possible oc should be made jointly. Your H should not be having any contact with ow unless you are both completely involved. That means no phone calls, no text messages, no emails, no meetings, nothing and NO SECRETS! PERIOD! But if you're smart--DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ON YOUR OWN ONLY THROUGH AN ATTORNEY SKILLED IN FAMILY LAW.

6. Work on your marriage first and foremost before you even consider having contact. A weakened marriage will only be further weakened if you throw the tension of an oc into the mix. Get into marriage counseling and IC if possible. You can look around this board and see how difficult reconciliation is without an oc so take things slowly and think through them very carefully.

7. Contact with oc is a very personal choice. Many women are able to make the decision to go down that road while others are not. There is a lot of drama that goes along with contact, it's not an easy path to choose. Also consider that visitation can be started at any time down the road. If say in two years you are then open to the idea of contact the child won't have suffered if your husband wasn't involved for the first couple years. It won't even know the difference.

8. Remember that if the oc is indeed your husband's child the ow will no longer hold all the cards. If the two of you want contact she can't prevent it. She can't prevent you from being involved, etc. She can't call all the shots, only the courts can. Once she decides to attach paternity to your husband she is forfeiting a portion of her parental rights.

9. Make sure that you dot your i's and cross your t's in the form of legal documents. If you're adamant about no contact, have it in the papers. If you want to prevent her from making contact with your children or extended family put it in the paperwork. If your H is responsible for a portion of child care costs require ow to only use a licensed child care provider which will prevent her from having her momma watch and claim she's charging $250.00 a week when she's really charging nothing at all.

10. Protect your financial assets such as homes, etc. If you don't have a will get one now. If anything were to happen to your ws the ow would be able to fight you for a portion of everything if indeed the oc is his. Many people create a will that specifically excludes the oc or they leave the oc some small stipend such as a dollar so that the old "he forgot to include me" argument can't be used. If you intend to have a relationship with the oc should dna confirm that it's your H's then this is all a moot point.

[This message edited by Me&my3 at 9:56 AM, May 2nd (Tuesday)]

Thanks for the great reminders. We recently contacted a new estate planning attorney here and are seeing her on 5/22 to redo our wills, etc. and to put a trust in place. OC will not get one red cent other than CS, on this I'm adamant!

She contacted H today to ask him if he has any allergies. Pissed me off to no end but a good friend put it into perspective...it's a weak attempt to draw him back in. H was stupid enough to leave her a VM back as he's scared shitless she'll cause a scene while he's at work (they do not work together...she's not smart enough for his industry). Anyway, I was pissd, told him so. He did tell me that it was just easier to tell her the answer than endure tons of phone calls and nasty emails and that he's committed to me and that's all he cares about.

Since we lost the baby last week he HAS shown me this so I have hope. I still pray for that sinkhole to open up and swallow her but it hit Brookly and not the West Village. Darn it!

Thanks to all for your support. The next few weeks will be rough. H leaves Saturday for two weeks overseas for work and I just KNOW she's going to have this brat while he's gone and I'm going to have to deal w/ it over the phone while H is in a hotel across the Atlantic. I do not want her to call us on our vacation the last week of May so maybe this will ultimately be better.

H says that the end is coming meaning that we won't be in limbo any longer and that he wants her to take a stand and do something so we can finally fight back. I just hope it doesn't kill me in the process.

For those of you who remember the down to the wire time...how did you make it through?

Hugs,

BW

BW, one step at a time!! It's nerve-wracking and if you're lucky, she'll deliver while your H is away and he won't have to deal with her wanting his presence. I don't remember your entire story--does he want contact?

Good luck--you will get through this too.

Sorry you're hurting.

I don't understand how the OW could expect the WS to be present while in labor. Maybe it seems wrong to me, but if the WS is reconciling with the BS, contact should not start until the baby is born. That does not include being there for the birth. The OW should have someone else present. I could understant if that's your H's first kid, but he could wait to experience childbirth with you.

I absolutely agree with scorpio1...NO H with OW during labor! (Geez, the thought sickens me!)

BW isn't your H going NC with OW/OC? If so, just ignore the bitch....forever! Set up an automatic payment for the CS when it becomes an issue and then *get on with your life*.

She has no right to insert herself in your lives. Keep her out, if that's what you want! (like my H did)

My recollection of your posts stated there was absolutely no room for OW/OC in your marriage. I remember this because your sentiments echoed mine so closely.

Sucks, doesn't it.

Hope you are doing better after the sad events of last week.

Bee-any advice on how to set up an auto payment?

BW--YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS!! You are strong and you have your H's support. This is a tough time, yes, I know, and the reminders when events happen make it so much worse. But give yourself some time to heal from your trauma, don't worry about her crap. Unfortunately, you cannot control her, but you can control how you deal with her. (Okay-my IC talking now!)

For anyone going through this out there I would follow Me & my 3 OC handbook of advice.

After the A ended and I found out, the OW called 3 weeks later saying she was pregnant. I figured out later she was 6 weeks at that time. I made up my mind at that point that there would be NC until a DNA test was taken. My H did nothing, assumed no responsibility and was not with her at all during her pregnancy.

BEFORE oc was born H got a lawyer, lawyer said that courts handle these kind of situations like a divorce. This is Bullshit as if a whore is equal to a wife! Anyhow, I got a female family attorney and got a temporary legal separation and child support. My court order was already underway while she was still living in a fantasy world thinking she will have my H, now that the baby is born. While my attorney and I waited for the DNA test results, my H and his attorney filed a paternity suit against her 12 days after her delivery. He found out because she, of course, called him at work when she was in labor thinking he was going to run to the hospital to be with her. Instead he served her papers for a DNA test. She was raging mad!

DON'T DO ANYTHING FOR THE OW/OC UNTIL DNA TEST RESULTS. If you do and admit it in court, the court may try to hold you to what you had been already doing for OC. If you H brings the suit first, the state agency that OW can through will not get involved. If the state agency did, it would mean that the state is becoming a party to her suit and will provide a defense. At least in our state that what it mean't for her. OW will have to hire an attorney.

By the time the OW hired an attorney, I filed for my permanent legal separation. A temporary court order for child support will do to get the OW off her game. And believe me, BS' this is a GAME! The judge will have to recognize your court order first before they figure out a child support amount for OC. Because in the courts opinion, no child is more important the any other child. Well I don't feel that way. I am the one who had been with my H before he ever got the good job he has. I am the one who suggested we move to the state we live in, for him to apply for the job, I even helped fill out the application and write up all the bullshit they want written. I have done the work and our child is the one who has standing.

In order for your children to have standing, both BS and WS have to act legally first. If you know that the OW is claiming to be prenant by your H GET THE UPPER HAND ON THAT CHILD SUPPORT. BS and H can come up with an agreement, through the BS's lawyer. It will be least costly this way.

Also make sure you get wills, especially your WS. In our state if BS is not the parent of all of the WS's children, then BS gets only half of the whatever WS has, and each child will split the other half equally.

What this means is if BS dies first, anything BS has, IRA, SAvings, etc.. goes to WS. What if WS dies without a will? All children will get an equal share including OW's children. So BS's you must get will and specify your assets for your children instead of WS AND/OR get WS to get a will specifying which children get what or the state will divide it all up.

To me we need some federal laws to deal with this mess.

[This message edited by icando at 9:28 AM, May 3rd (Wednesday)]

icando--amen to your statement about federal laws. In our state, every district is different, never mind the state!

We did not file for legal separation, nor CS because it was not necessary the way the laws are written. However, just the simple fact that the OW gets any money when they never had a legal relationship with the H is ridiculous. When my H and I had our kids we had a decrease in our std of living, the bitch gets an increase no matter how you slice it. The way the laws are written encourages women to find a rich man to get pregnant with, as they can't lose! Talk about the sanctity of marriage being put in the back seat.

I would love to see action taken to change the laws so that women who do as most of the OWs we write about on this thread are stopped from their games.

I leave nothing to chance and have left everything to my children, with a nominal amount for my H. I chose this route even before the A because I didn't need some woman taking from my H what rightfully belonged in our family.

I feel that if H wants to make arrangements for the OC, he needs to do so separately.

And just because a person has an OC doesn't mean that they are entitled to everything. My children have been here a lot longer than this OC. The plans that we made for our children do not disappear just because an OC enters the picture.

Amen Scorpio1. What you said makes me think even more carefully about the situation and i am going to do just that. Leave everthing to my child, except what I want my husband to have.

twokids&amommy, I want to at some point talk to a Senator or something. I am just not sure at this point how to talk about the situation in a public face to face way. At least though when the Adulterous whore gets an increase, I will have received it 6 months earlier already.

[This message edited by icando at 2:16 PM, May 3rd (Wednesday)]

Hi All, am being careful not to offend. We are all in the same situation - our WS have created an OW/OC situation no matter how we look at it.

I read these postings and am offended by the OW slander. How the WS gets off easy is beyond me. My husband is 100% responsible for his actions as far as I am concerned, the OW is just a messy inconvenience. There is no way he gets off the hook for what he has created. HE didn't use protection, HE didn't think of his wife or his family, HE didn't use his head and make sure that for whatever reason he strayed and didn't create an OC. HE had responsibility to his wife/partner and didn't honor that for whatever reason.

I read these postings and realize that many of you have families and relationships that have been ongoing for many years.

Again, and I've said this before, no women is that irresistable. Your husband/boyfriend/lover strayed for a reason. There is a reason. If you choose to work that out in counseling than great. But there is a reason.

Not to defend the OW. She is selfish and irresponsible but as your husband was. They are both in this together. He does not get off the hook. For him to "take your side" and look at the OW as an enemy is a further sign of weakness. He is as responsible if not more than the OW for the OC situation you are in.

Where the OW is concerned, at least in my case, I would like to hear the bullshit she has been fed by my husband. What has he told her? What has he promised her? Has he been lying to her all along like he has been lying to me?

The OW isn't always the enemy, who knows what information she is being given. If I was a single woman I would run the other way from someone separated or in the process of divorce. That is me. Maybe these women feel a connection, maybe they are fed a bunch of lies like us BS have?

Be real and take a look at your own situation, don't attack the OW if you don't know the whole situation. The WS who has chosen to "hate" and "fight" the OW should be responsible for his own actions. Give me a break. He is the married and committed one who committed the crime. Make him pay for it.

Sorry to sound so angry. I have been lied to by my WS over and over again. Who knows what BS he is saying to this OW. I hate her but can only imagine she is getting lied to also.

All,

Thanks for the responses. Little did I know the subject of wills would spark a debate. To clarify our situation, H has recognized, admitted he made a huge mistake and that he's going to pay for it for the rest of his life. He's lost my trust and quite honestly the admiration I felt for him since day one and I think that's killing him inside but it's not my problem.

He's committed to me and he understands that if he's going to do that then some of the ground rules are IC, MC, NC and most definitely no playing daddy to his illegitimate child ESPECIALLY when he's had me on babyhold for 4 years. He understands that IT'S MY TURN AND ALL ABOUT ME NOW. I'm done being afraid that he's going to leave me if I stand up for myself on important matters. I found my backbone and at times he doesn't like it but he's adjusting.

I don't absolve him of his bad behavior and the breaking of his marriage vows and he knows that. But to R I have to forgive him, and I'm trying hard to, but it's damn near impossible when OW and talk of the OC keep interrupting. Do I hate her? Yes. She stood in that restaurant, shook my hand, introduced herself to me, suggested we get together and then went after my H like a tiger. Over a 1000 emails and close to that number in phone calls and text messages. She KNEW I existed. She KNEW we were married for 5 years. She KNEW we had just moved to this god forsaken city. She KNEW and STILL it was all about her. So yes, I hate her and her brat and I will not apologize for it either. She is not remorseful. She has no feelings for what she did to me. She is selfish and conceited and now she can be a single mom with an illegitimate child that she will have to answer for one day. She was so selfish that I think I will try it and relish every miserable time she's in store for, because after all...it's all about her so have at it.

BW

I can only speak for myself but I blame my WS even more for the A. He lied to both of us, but it's her fault for choosing to believe his lies, especially when she caught on to them.

I feel that this thread is more about the OC and the demands that the OW makes. Just because she may have been lied to doesn't mean that she's entitled to everything. Whether the WS wants to the OC is not the issue. The issue to me is the financial aspects of having the OC and the OW expecting me to just hand everything over.

I don't hate the OW in my situation because hate is too strong of a word for me. I feel bad for her that she was lied to also and she probably made decisions based on those lies. But that doesn't mean that she's entitled to a free ride. The only responsiblity is for CS. Anything over and above has to come from his pocket and not set this family back.

My H has told me plenty of times that he is not giving her anything else besides CS. But who knows what he promises her. And his promises are empty because I know what his financial situation is and he can't afford anything above CS. And even the CS won't be that much since we will have three kids.

Why should I worry about her? She made the decision to have the OC and if she can afford it, fine. But if she can't afford the OC, then she can't complain to anyone besides herself. She had a choice and she chose to believe a man that she knew was a liar.

I feel the same way in that I have always known not to get involved with someone who is just exiting a long-term relationship, separated, or married. They are just not emotionally available and have things they need to work out.

Sure, I would have loved for both of us to confront WS together to get the truth, but that's not going to happen.

thatslife--I am not going to get into details about H's A, but have shared some of it before and you can read old posts. Yes, my H is guilty, but I do know the whole story, therefore believe I have every right to make statements about my particular case and the OW that is involved. There are others on this thread that have different situations, and I will not comment on those, it is up to them to come to their own terms. I have not judged others, nor do I wish to be judged. This thread is about allowing us to vent and share ideas and solve problems related to our H's As, the OCs and the OWs. If we vent, then it should be considered as such--that is why many of us are here. It is supposed to be a safe place to do exactly that.

One more thing -- because of the OW talk that has gone on here, why does that make it appear that the WHs have gotten off easy? Not everything that goes on in each of our lives is discussed here...

To All,

Again, I do not mean to offend. I am in the same situation and have a right to vent also. I personally, can't forgive my husband, that has been my decision. The lies keep coming. I am in no way in defense of OW but am in no way letting him off the hook for his actions.

Yes, people make mistakes. When they then take no responsibility and make the OW completely responsible is nonsense. We are all adults here. For the WS to turn against the OW after he has been irresponsible and unfaithful and treated his wife with no respect is ridiculous. How does all the blame get pushed off on someone else.

I know there are women out there that prey on married men. My situation is the result of that as well. I think she is selfish and despicable and the enemy but she did not "force" my husband to have the affair. HE chose to be unfaithful and have unprotected sex and put both of us at risk physically.

If any of you have found forgiveness I give you a world of credit for what's to come. Maybe your husband is remorseful, maybe he is sorry. The circumstances don't change and the OC will always be in the picture. That is what I can't forgive and can't get beyond.

Today, I hold HIM 100% at fault, tomorrow I will be wanting to take him back and blame the OW. It is a roller coaster ride for all of us.

Whatever choices we make are determined by our individual situations.

Everyone has a right to their feelings, I am so sorry if anyone takes offense to my comments, they are just my opinions and what lies I have happened to hear today from my WS

I'm not in this forum to place blame for the A. They are both responsible. IRL, there are many men who father children who only provide CS. Why should it be any different for the OW's? Because they were lied to? To me, this forum is not a matter of who is at fault, but the financial, emotional, and physical aspects of an OC.

Why should estate planning mean that we are placing blame on the OW? It's not about whether I love my H or not, or have forgiven him or not. It's about the love that I have for my children and I will protect their interests.

Should my H support OW's household just because he has a child with her? He will only have one child with her compared to the three with me. So it stands to reason that my household will get more support.

It takes two to make a baby, but ultimately it is the woman's decision to have the baby. And no matter what she chooses to do, the man has no say so in that decision. So I still believe that whatever happens is her fault because she chose to keep the baby knowing the situation. He lied to her but she lied to herself too.

Not only have I put the responsibilty on my H like he deserves, He has accepted the responsibility. He accepts it by working extra jobs in addition to the FT job he already has, to make up for the substantial loss of money that this situation has caused us.

As for the OW, she IS 100%responsible for her pregnancy. She purposely planned to get pregnant and have a child by my H. My H a married man. She has another child that is 10 years older than this one. She has had 3 abortions in between by other men. She told this to my H. She had been using abortion has a method of birth control. So what else is there for me to think. I know and she has demonstrated to me that she intended on destroying my marriage. She is still demonstrating by the things she has done all along including even today.

I don't apologize for my comments about the Adulterous Whore, she made plans for my life and my child's life. She did it with thought, cunning, envy and devisiveness in mind. She is in the medical field and she knows how to handle her body. She wanted me and my H to come to the doctor with her for an ultrasound when she was pregnant to try and rub it in my face. Of course, I didn't fall for that. I am putting the blame exactly where it belongs, the OW. My husband has had to face ridicule on his job, because of her actions of bringing the child to his employer. She has on many occasions tried to make him lose his job so that we would have to stuggle. Since she can't have him, she doesn't want me and my child to have him either.

[This message edited by icando at 9:20 PM, May 3rd (Wednesday)]

Ladies, this is all getting to be a bit too much for me at the moment. I'm thinking about taking an SI vacation.

2kds:

I'll ask my husband about the auto payment. Since I've always been the recipient, and not the initiator of paychecks sent in this manner I'm not sure what is involved. He'll be home in a few days and I'll ask. I would think that discussing it with your bank would be helpful. My husband had a separate PO Box that CS was sent from, and a separate bank account to handle the transaction. The specifics beyond that I'm not certain of but will try to find out. I'm sure it involves knowing the routing # of OW's bank,etc.

Take care guys.