SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Kristine,

I highly discourage you from contacting the OW. I wanted to, god only knows how badly, but in the end I didn't. Should our situation get nasty I don't want her to have one iota or crumb of information she doesn't already have. I think they call it aiding the enemy in military terms.

Anyway, why should you give her info that she can later use against you? If you can ask her questions she can certainly ask you. Quid pro quo. And if you expect her to answer, than you have to expect to answer too.

Why do you expect her to be honest with you? She's already proven herself to be someone of no morals. She slept w/ your H. She doesn't care about you. And considering she's pregnant, her one and only focus is yourself. Trust me on this. For almost 9 months all we heard from OW is how terrible and mean my H was to her (b/c he went NC) and how horrible he mad her pregnancy (ditto) and how she's going to make him pay (paternity suit pending now) and how could be he so cruel to his own child (not proven BTW) and any decent human being would want the best for their child, and on and on and on.

You are, if you haven't seen it by her behavior already, dealing w/ a wacko. They will twist whatever sliver of information you let slip and twist it to suit their own needs. They will play the victim to the hilt and try to elicit sympathy from anyone and everyone while making your H out to be the big bad wolf. It takes two to tango.

Put your energy and efforts into R. Focus on your own healing through IC. Pray for the karma bus to one day run the OW over. But, IMO, do not contact her. Do not give her the satisfaction of seeing that she got to you.

Best of luck,

BW

BetrayedWife-

It is not really her that has gotten to me. It is the pregnancy. The baby. I want to know when her due date is, if she really thinks the baby is my husbands, and how many times they were together. That is all.

I listened into her conversation with my husband regarding NC and she was concerned that people knew about her being with him. She has not made any attemot to include him in the pregnancy one bit. According to him, the only conversation they had about the baby was that it may be his.

I have not made my decision yet. But I am hoping I find my answer soon.

K,

I'll just say a few more things before ending discussion.

When the OW in my life sent her none-too-subtle email to me I initially answered it quite kindly; in other words, I took the moral highroad. After a few days though, I started to think WTF this whore has forever changed my life with her stupid, email.

Sooo.....I sent her a double broadside that rattled her cage, shivered 'er timbers and knocked her double "s" A right out of the water.

A few days later I got her incredible pissed off reply.

Because I absolutuely trusted my H, knew he'd made a terrible mistake a *long* time ago, etc. I got a big kick out of the lies she tossed my way. In fact, she had NO frickin' idea whose tail she'd pulled, or the very negative backlash her stupid action would create. She said all kinds of *pathetic* stuff in that email, but my point is I WAS IN THE POSITION TO KNOW THE TRUTH, and therefore, could and would not suffer any further from her insensitive, stupid and naive (that's putting it nicely) allegations.

If there are ANY doubts about the facts of your situation, as told to you by your H, then be prepared for a wild ride if you make contact. OWs are notorious for trying to undermine marriages.

Don't let her do it.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 6:56 PM, July 30th (Sunday)]

BeeTrayed-

I am still unsure what I want to do.

I want to verify his story but I am also obsessed with the pregnancy. I more want to know about the baby than the number of times it happened. Only a woman would be sure of her due date. She could tell me that. She may tell me that she is 100% sure that the baby is his but a paternity test will find out for sure.

I am not sure what she could ask me where my answer could be held against me. He has already told her that if the child is his he will take responsibility.

K,

"He has already told her that if the child is his he will take responsibility."

I have little doubt that if the child is his *she* will *make* him take responsibility, by going for CS either immediately of down the road (months or years).

You do understand that until paternity is established you will be held hostage to her demands, don't you? So far, it sounds like you have been lucky; she's not making any. Do you really want to chance stirring up a hornet's nest before you absolutely have to? Don't delude yourself; you are obsessed with her AND the pregnancy. It's natural for you to be, but don't let it interfere with your decision-making.

Due dates are just guestimates! Babies are born when they are ready to be! Stop obsessing! I realize that is a bit like ignoring the elephant in the room, but it sounds like there is a good chance it is NOT your H's, and to obsess before the fact is counter-productive and damaging to you and your unborn child's well-being. Do not (or at least try not to) torture yourself about due dates...they'll be enough time for torturing yourself later, if OC is H's.

I don't mean to sound trite, but I want you to save yourself for the *real* battle that may lie ahead.

Ignorance is (can be) bliss. I know, that was me for 18 years.I'm GLAD I didn't have to deal with this shit for all that time, due to my H's decision to commit "lies of omission". He protected me from a very painful mistake that he'd made. She, on the other hand, tried to destroy me by exposing my H's "lie".

She didn't. In fact, our marriage grows better and stronger every day as a result of this tragedy.

Sleep on that.

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 8:42 PM, July 30th (Sunday)]

hi everyone

long time since i posted but have been reading the postings regularly.

i feel so bad that there are "newcomers" on this site. don't you wish that there wasn't a need for it?

it was a year ago this month that my H was having the PA with the FC. i was dreading this month but am actually feeling okay. i never thought i would feel okay again in those early days.

i guess i felt the need to post to let the newies know that, for lack of a better phrase, it does get better. believe me, i never would have thought so myself.

kristine - i remember very clearly being obsessed with the baby, FC and due date etc...that lasted a couple of months but now that the OC is born, the anxiety has greatly diminished. REALLY!!!!

we have had NC since i found out last Sept. this has made a huge difference and i feel for everyone that has to deal with the OW.

don't get me wrong, we still have our ups and downs but things are so much better than they were a year ago.

i thought seriously about contacting the OW but what stopped me was what Bee is saying, i didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that i have wasted even one ounce of brain power on this disgusting piece of marriage wrecking garbage!! you have to do what is right for you, but my advice for what it's worth is DO NOT contact her. let her wonder how you and your H are doing etc... i realise that your situation is a little different but i believe it is better left alone. focus on your baby and try to enjot your pregnancy, i know that is a big ask.

my mc asked me what difference is it ultimately going to make to me to know when exactly they had sex, what the due date is etc.... it's done already. he spent many a session getting me to focus on the real issue for me - my H, my marriage and myself (not necessarily in that order)

believe it or not, i do think of the A and her and the baby probably once a day but when i do, it's very brief and the pain is hardly there. it happened. i have no control over it. i can push it out of my mind quite easily and quickly - i can't believe it myself sometimes. imagine how little i'll think about it another year from now and so on.

the next thing is to get past the anniversary of d-day.

let's face it, there will always be good and bad days but, i think, the bad days become less.

having said all that, i would still break out the champagne if she fell in front of a bus!!

i guess the longer we go with NC the better i think our odds are of putting this behind us. maybe i'm naive but i think i deserve a break.

K

I hope you take their advice and give yourself the space you need. If he has gone NC, now is the time to work on your marriage so that when the baby is born you guys can be a team against the OW. I will pray that you stop obsessing about this b/c it will truly do you no good. Best of luck.

K-

I will say I agree with the others also. I felt the same way you do, and did for a few months. Occasionally, it comes back and haunts me, but then I put it out of my head and move on.

Why not write that letter to her? However, don't send it. Either burn it, or put it away where you won't look at it every waking moment. I remember when I had just found out, the thoughts were rampant and consuming. Writing them down brought relief, and harmed no one.

What does it prove to contact her? You would be getting sucked into her game and only making matters worse. If the kid is your H's, there is nothing you can do about it until the child is born anyways. There is no need to make the situation more difficult. Take this time to heal, yourself and your marriage, so that you are stronger should there be issues to deal with about this child down the road.

I know it is hard, and I sympathize with you completely. Be strong, you can do it.

Hugs to you all.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 9:05 AM, July 31st (Monday)]

cat33,

What a positive, upbeat post you wrote. I am happy for you. I also think that for most of us, NC is the key to healing and a successful R. Who needs the daily reminders in the form of a physical being? It's bad enough that they take up space in our heads, let alone before our eyes.

I've finally "turned the corner" I think also. It does no good to hold on to bitterness or anger; let it go, as it frees the way towards true healing. Very soon, I'll be putting on that "Don't Look Back" tee shirt I bought on our great boating/camping trip we took last week. It shows a little girl with a pole and sack over her shoulder at a crossroads. The signs say "Your Future" to the left and "No Longer an Option" to the right. The little girl is marching along on the trail to the left. I intend to be that little girl!

[This message edited by BeeTrayed at 2:19 PM, July 31st (Monday)]

cat33- Thank you for the words. I did decide on not contacting her. Not because I do not want to but becasue I did make a promise to H that I would not. I made this promise the day I found out. He has been very forthcoming with the A. Our first counseling session is today.

[This message edited by Kristine at 9:01 AM, August 1st (Tuesday)]

Cat,

Thanks! You've made me feel so much better about our decision for total NC. For a while, I felt that I might be punishing the child but now I know that for my health, and the health of my marriage, this is the best way to go.

And I'm so glad to hear that I will, eventually, let at least some of this go so that I can start moving on.

We had our first MC appt last Friday. He really opened up and I am really working hard to believe him and trust that he is being honest at the meetings. We will continue this weekly. Hopefully we'll get to a great place. He said that he wants this to work but doesn't want us where we were before, but in an even better place. I hope we succeed.

I also start psychiatric counseling on Thursday. He is going to put me on Zoloft since I"m pregnant.

While I know we have a terribly long way to go, I also know that we are a lot further along than most folks in our situation. The counselor was very impressed with the fact that he voluntarily gave up all email passwords, account passwords (bank and credit cards) and that he is willing to always answer my questions, no matter how hard. Even she thinks he's working hard and she is pretty jaded (doesn't seem to give the WS a whole lot of credit).

And now reading your message, I feel even more hopeful. I just need to get through December. Sigh.

thanks, i'm glad that i could make you feel a bit better. there were others here for me at the beginning and so on that helped me tremendously.

don;t get me wrong, it's a difficult road with many bumps and obstacles but i feel like the road is getting smoother.

MC saved us, literally!! we both agree that without the great MC that we had, and still have, we would never had made it. my H was/is genuinely sincere in wanting to work on our M and i had to recognise that while i am not responsible for the choices he made, i do have to accept some responsibility for the state of our marriage at the time. that was hard but that is one of the major reasons i stayed in the marriage and agreed to try and see if we could work this out.

i suppose there is always the chance that she may try to come into our lives etc... but i have clearly set the rules if that would happen and H has agreed.

good luck and keep reading and posting, it makes such a difference to talk to people who understand. i found some of the people i told had trouble with this and decisions i made so i rarely talk to anyone about it now.

It has been 2 weeks today that I found out my husband cheated on me and there was an OC born 1 week before that, that they are claiming is his. I am having the hardest time dealing with this as I know all of you have in your situation as well. Almost everyones posts that I have read are sticking with their husband and are making it work. Right now I really want to throw my hands up and say no I am not letting you do this to me even though we have been married for 7 1/2 years and have a 5 year old daughter. Our parents think that divorce should be completley out of the question but I don't know if I can honestley stay in this and think about what he did every day. He knew she was preg. and didn't tell me till the day after it came out in the newspaper and the girl had already been showing it off. I am hurting so bad right now. But what makes everyone want to make a marriage work with a man that cheated on them and had a baby with another woman? I think everyone on here is a very strong person, I was just wondering how you do it? Can I do it? And is it wrong if I don't won't to?

Hi arkwoman,

Not all of us here have decided to R but I've found from my time here that most have. It may take you a while to figure out what's best for you but you will - it will be a lot of ups and downs along the way, I wish you the best, whatever your decision, only you can make that choice. You will find support here either way. ((Hugs))

arkwoman,

Ditto thatslife. You are only two weeks out from D-day. How could *anyone* know what they want at that point?! Give yourself time to sort out this painful revelation. You will know what is right for you in time.

I think a lot depends on how your H views the situation. If you can both agree on how you will handle OW/OC, present a unified "front" to the OW then that will go a long way towards building a better, stronger marriage. On the other hand, if the two of you can *not* agree then that creates more tension and lessens the likelihood of a successful R.

I realize that may sound obvious, but as I have read through all these posts I have noticed a general theme: those BS with H who appear genuinely sincere and remorseful also tend to be the ones that cope/adapt best to the lousy set of cards they have been dealt, despite the attempts by the OW to screw things up further. On the other hand, if a BS is still struggling with doubts about H's sincerity, remorse, etc. then that is a much more difficult marriage to repair. After all, at the root of the entire issue is trust.

I find it SO ironic that the person who hurt us the most is also the person with the greatest capacity to heal us. If they are not up to that task, then IMHO, the marriage is doomed. An OW/OC situation is just too damn difficult without the love and support of the a-hole who created it!

Weird, huh?

overdone-

I did decide not to contact her. We had another long talk lastnight and he answered all of my questions. Granted I did not like all of the answers. But he was very forthcoming.

I am going to try to concentrate on us and deal with the baby when it comes. Hopefully sooner than later.

twokidsmomny-

I just want her to take herself and her baby and leave. Tell H that she does not want to harm his life anymore. Tell H that the baby is not his. But I know that will not happen.

I did not contact her. I am going to try to work on us and how to fix us. Our first MC is today.

iknowiamnotalone-

My midwife put me on Zoloft also. Are you due in Dec?

K-

Me too, I wish OW/OC would move very, very far away. But unfortunately, we can't control them. The best we can do is not let them control US!

Good luck with your MC session. You can make it through. Sounds like your H is doing his best to make amends.

I remember something that my SIL said when I told her, only a few days after dday. She asked if I was leaving H, and I said I didn't know, but I didn't want to and he is remorseful and he wanted forgiveness and another chance. She said to me that what happened, has happened, it cannot be changed. However, the most important thing is what my H does from that day forward, and that he should be judged by what he does to fix things, not by the mistakes that already happened. I will tell you, we've had some minor slips, but my H has proven consistently that he wants to make amends and the changes needed to make our relationship work.

I'm almost one year out from knowing, and I remember how difficult those first several months were. I call it the time I fell down into the rabbit hole. It took a long time to get out.

You are making the right steps, keep going...they do get easier.

Hugs.

[This message edited by twokidsmomny at 9:18 AM, August 1st (Tuesday)]

Thank you for all your thoughts and support on this issue. It has been most difficult for me to reconcile while dealing with the OW and the OC. my h went to his OC's birthday party and had a horrible time. The child was sick and cried the whole time (which my thought was if the child is sick why didn't she cancel the party- stupid bitch). he spent the tiime talking to 2 guys from his old work that were there- everyone else he didn't know and they didn't speak english. He is supposed to be finally scheduling the DNA test today. I have been pushing for this since I found out about the OC and found out that he stupidly didn't have it done before signing the birth certificate. The OW has been difficult to convince to allow the test to take place (which makes me think she has doubts that it is my h's child) but she has finally agreed to it. So hopefully it will take place this week and we should know by next week. It ticks me off that it has taken this long because most of our fights are about him seeing the OC and the OW and if it is not his child, then we have been fighting for nothing, paying her for nothing and have wasted 5 months of trying to reconcile with that in the way and it shouldn't have been. granted i am not getting my hopes up (or at least trying not to) that it is not his child but if it turns out that she is not his, it would finally be something good to happen in my life. other than the birth of my son- 2006 has sucked!!!!!!! so I need something positive to happen. winning the lottery would help too

[This message edited by scooter3377 at 9:29 AM, August 1st (Tuesday)]