SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Stanley...

you are probably wondering how it's possible that we are all saying the exact same thing.

It's the playbook. Cheaters follow a script. It's shocking how all these situations are similar. All of these people cheating think they are setting the world on fire and they are out on the edge doing something new and unique.

Folks here can probably tell you with shocking accuracy what your WW is going to do next. It's because their WW did it too, guess what, so did mine.

For us this is a movie we have seen a few hundred times. We KNOW how it ends. We know what all the characters are going to do. When know when the bad guy is on the other side of the door.

This is the same as us yelling at the screen trying to warn the hero of the story. We know what's going to happen please take the advice of the people here.

I am a fixer who is usually in control

Stanley, I bumped a thread for you to read about codependancy. It's titled, "Codepedancy in a Marriage, the BS's common mistake". Fixer usually means codependant. I was a fixer as well and it just about drove me crazy. This situation can't be fixed by us. They MUST fix themselves and many just can't do it. Anyway check out the thread and there are a few books that may help if you feel you may have codependant tendencies. "Codepedant No More" is one of them. You will get through this.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:43 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

stan - remember to do the 180 for you, to give you space and strength. It is not a manipulative tool - it won't work that way. Do it for you and you alone (just a heads-up).

Another reason everyone's saying the same thing is that when we were new to this (like you are now) - it sounds opposite of what we want to do.

It takes awhile to 'sink in'...it's so counter-intuitive.

Be strong and respect yourself. Love yourself. That, you deserve.

Not this shit sandwich she's trying to make you swallow with a smile.

Don't kick her off the fence, kick the fence down when you jump off of it yourself!

As a side note: I forgave, but it doesn't mean you have to accept unacceptable behavior. I divorced anyway.

It has helped me reach indifference to her cruelty and abuse.

This is the same as us yelling at the screen trying to warn the hero of the story. We know what's going to happen please take the advice of the people here.

This is brilliant. Indeed, we are all now screaming at our computers, trying to save you from the mistakes which we made.

Please post an update. There are many here who are very concerned.

*****She wants you waiting while she makes up her mind. As long as you wait she WILL NOT make up her mind. She simply won't do it.

Your ONLY move is to choose not to participate. Tell her you won't be the third person in this marriage*****

^^^^From page 1.

Play this song for her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCyL6pa_L4M

....then tell her that you dumped her shit on the OM's porch.......*they* caused all this drama, let THEM deal with it.

Stanley, I'm going to give you a slightly different perspective. I put up with this foolishness for 30 years.....yes, 30! Why?....because I loved my husband.

I'm 8 years out now, happily divorced. And guess what? I still love him. When you love someone unconditionally, you can't just turn it off. You can't just decide you'll stop loving them. That's what keeps some people holding on far too long to someone they love -----who can't or won't love them back.

My XH is a wonderful XH. We're great friends. I love him. But nothing could convince me to be married to him again and go through the hell that once was my life because he was incapable of commitment and true intimacy.

You can still love them......just love them from afar.

(((Stanley))) So, so sorry...

And pissed off

I feel like she has pulled my heart from my chest, torn it in two and is stomping on it every time she sees him

That's because she has, and she is, and she doesn't care. Would you do that to her? to anybody? Can you even imagine doing it? of course not.

She no longer considers you, or thinks about you, except to try to figure out how to manage you/ manipulate you so you'll play along (I'm not saying she's doing this consciously, on purpose, but she is doing it).

Please re-read all the posts, including your own...If someone else had written it, wouldn't you advise that person to heave that spouse out on her butt?

Others have said, and it's true: Her confusion is her decision. She has decided to keep torturing you. To keep all her options available.

to allow you to suffer. To keep disrespecting you in front of her work colleagues.

How does it feel to know she doesn't even try to protect your feelings or honor or standing as her life partner, by flaunting her disgusting affair in front of all her co-workers.

It makes me so mad for you. So angry.

I don't want to badmouth your wife and call her all the names she deserves, because I don't want your natural tendency to protect her/ defend her to rear up... because you love her, and it will.

I too was once where you are (duh, we all were) and I remember feeling sorry for my WH at the time because of his "confusion" and "agony" over the impossible situation he found himself in: in love with 2 women, through no fault of his own! (puke)

I urge you to please follow the advice above, and I will add my own:

Tell her you have decided, and she must leave now

Tell her this in a calm, respectful manner

That you love her, but you cannot continue one more minute in this situation---If she wishes to reconcile, you will consider it, but on your terms only. All contact with OM ends, or else no discussion.

Do not badmouth OM (makes the lover want to defend them).

Do this sober as a judge, so that you can maintain control (wish I had followed this advice).

I know how scary this is, I know, I remember, I can still feel it. I know deep in my heart, that if I had acted this way sooner (much much sooner) things would have turned out differently. It's too late for me, but maybe not for you.

Please gather your strength, and stand up for yourself. You deserve better than this.

Also, ouch, this might hurt, but see Bdell's thread about his own situation with his WS, and how she is acting; that's true remorse, and is almost unseen/ unheard of here... Your WS is following the more common cheater's path. To the letter.

TA

Stanley,

Just another person here echoing the great advice that you have received on this thread. I'll throw in my $0.02 to see if any of it resonates with you:

The term I described to myself when I first came here was a "codependent doormat". I was the man, so I HAD to be able to fix this. I was also the weakest member to ever join this site, because I couldn't---just COULDN'T---heed the advice that I was given.

Fast forward 2 years from my initial discovery. Yes, I had moments of strength, but when it came to making a hard decision, I couldn't do it. So much fear of losing what I(we) had. All the while, the same advice that you are receiving now, went mostly ignored---again, out of fear and love for my WW.

Finally, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I can't fix her---she has to do that herself. But I can fix me, and I certainly did not want to live my life like it was any longer. So I followed the advice given here, because at this point, I WAS ready to walk out the door for good. I hit my limit. And since that point, my life has resumed a near normal state.

Read what I stated here---TWO FUCKING YEARS!!!

How was that possible?!!! What did I fix in that time???

The truth is that I made it worse by my inactions. I didn't work on myself, and I didn't stand up for what was right. And when I see a post like yours, it all comes flooding back. I want to scream at my laptop so fucking loud, that you can hear me from any point in this country. Damaged71 couldn't put it any better---we have all lived this story, and we have the answers for you. We just have to get you to believe us.

This shit takes time. You don't have your world destroyed, only to pick up the pieces a few hours later. But if you keep reading here, and believe it as truth, then your recovery will start a lot faster.

You only control you. Your partner can come home today, pack her things, and leave with OM...and there is nothing that you can do about it. But if you work on yourself, realize that you WON'T live like this anymore, then it will be the difference between you begging her to stay, or helping her pack, so you can get her out of your house and your life. You deserve better---don't sell yourself short. One piece of advice you will see here over and over again, is that you have to be willing to lose your relationship in order to even have a chance to save it. Plain and simple, because she will NEVER change with the status quo. She has two men vying for her, which is an ego boost that she will never let go of.

Unless she is forced to. It's your call.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 7:43 AM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Why can't I be mad right now! I read everyones advice and I feel like I should be pissed off but I'm not! All I feel is sadness and despair! I know what I need to do and how to do it I just can't seem to pull the trigger. All I can think about is how much I love her! I have ALWAYS been a know what to do, strong, tough, no tears kinda guy and this has reduced me down to nothing. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't make a decision. I can't function. just realized Christmas is five days away and I don't have our tree up yet. I haven't bought any gifts for anybody yet and I am at the end of my rope! I feel like I'm drowning in a dry pool! This is madness..

Don't worry, stop putting up should be expectations on yourself.

stan, we're grieving with you.

Stan, I'm so sorry. I know you think about how much you love her and that it can be hard to find your anger. I remember being so sad for so long after the world exploded. Nothing but sadness ensued for a long time after DDay. But, I filed for D anyway. I knew I couldn't let him chip away at my soul anymore and that the husband I knew and believed I had was long gone, replaced by a cruel, heartless monster. Even through the sadness, I knew I had to protect myself from any more of his damage.

It's ok to be sad now. It's expected really. At the same time, don't let any emotion - sadness or anger - paralyze you. Believe me, sitting in this horrid limbo position where you hope like hell that she will come back soon, is no place to be. Limbo is the worst. She has all the control in limbo land while you do nothing but wait and hope. Once you do what needs to be done to take back your control, you will still be sad, you will eventually become angry, but guess what? You will also find peace.

I lived for a few agonizing months in limbo. The day he finally moved out, I slept better that night than I had in a long while. I didn't have to worry anymore about whether he would come home, or whether he would come home drunk. I didn't have to listen to his lies anymore. I didn't have that weak in the knees feeling when he didn't answer a call or a text. I wasn't looking anymore for the next sign of the A to hit me in the face.

I was still sad after he left. Truth be told, I still get sad on occasion and it's three years later.

But my life is no longer plagued by that asshole who looks and sounds exactly like the man I once knew as my husband. This man now? He's no one I would ever want in my life. He saw my pain - he SAW - and he chose to ignore me. He chose to treat me like I didn't matter and that I was nothing but a bother in my own husbands life. He abused me just like she is abusing you.

You can't fix her, my friend. You are already standing directly in the eye of the storm. Start taking cover.

Welcome. You are in the right place. We will do all we can to help you.

Please take care of yourself, stat hydrated, eat, try to sleep. Don't make any rash or hurried decisions about what to do with your relationship. Everything is in emotional fast forward at warp speed. Wait. Breathe. Take care of you. Hold her to the no contact, absolutely NO CONTACT with OM. Read up on the 180, it is hard to do by it helps, it really is a soul saver(was for me)

(((stanley)))

Of course you're sad. You are not only in shock but you are grieving. The sorrow is like nothing any of us had felt before.

It took me a long time to become angry. Actually, it took me months. But the pain and sadness directed my actions. My ex, like your wayward, told me he could not decide between me and the OW. It was this declaration that made me kick him out of the house. Mind you, I'd been married for 25 years and considered him my one true love. Also, I would have done ANYTHING to save our marriage. But his decision - not to make a decision - and keep me in absolute hell, made me know I had to protect my heart.

Having him out of the house gave me space and time to consider my next step. Remember, if the cheater is remorseful they must do the hard work of regaining our trust. My ex was not up for the task so my options were made clear.

So my suggestion is to give yourself space to sort yourself out. No one here doubts your love for your partner. But love should never equal pain. Know that we see your worth and value. Know that you can lean on us until you begin to see them again as well.

Stanley

You are in shock but you will get over that feeling of despair when you show your wife consequences.

Tell her to go to the OM.

Report their drug abuse and alcohol abuse on the job to their manager.

Let the OMW know about their affair.

Start thinking with your head and not your heart.

Take action and you will slowly start to feel better.

You deserve better Stanley. Demand better from others.

Let her give sloppy seconds to someone else. She is being selfish and disrespectful towards you.

HM

Stanley, when my marriage was coming apart I reconnected with a former neighbor. Her husband was dying of cancer. We were both coming to terms with saying goodbye to our partners. I used to look at her and say to myself---well, at least I'm not going through that. I think she had the same thoughts about me.

The day I filed for divorce I also found myself at her husband's funeral. She was surrounded by her family and hundreds of friends. For hours, people spoke about the wonderful man her husband had been and how much he loved her. She left that service physically, emotionally and spiritually supported. I left alone and went to my lawyer's office. I had been wrong. I was the one in the worst situation.

I have a feeling you may be asking yourself how you could endure your wife's illness and death and yet have this situation take you down. Infidelity is unique in that it combines the three wounds of the soul----betrayal, abandonment and shame. It is a triple whammy that those who have not experienced cannot appreciate.

Be gentle with yourself. Sadness is not a weaker state that anger. Under all sadness is anger----needs were not met. Expectations were not fulfilled. The future has changed.....forever.

She has no incentive to choose or change her behavior, because for her there have been no consequences. You know, you forgave, you wait on her deciding to pick you, and she continues to disrespect you and even says she won't promise not to be intimate with him. She has the balls to do this because you are letting her decide everything and she isn't feeling like she will have to pay.

Stanley...

Hey Bro....welcome to SI....have you read the healing library? If not...please do...yes...the whole damn thing.....then reread it again....

Your wife...she still in her affair? the OM....he married? His wife needs to know.....

First thing you need to do is do everything you can do to get the affair over.....everything!! The 180 is a really good place to start....that....and exposure...Your wife is a fog....theyre soulmates.....belong together.. ...yada...yada...yada..

Shes seeing rainbows...unicorns ....pots of gold.....and its all bullshit. Affairs are an escape from reality.....and she needs a "reality check"...my FWW didn't defog until I filed for divorce.....and I did a lot of the wrong things before I discovered this website...a lot!!

Dude...you will NOT nice guy her back....nor will crying and begging work....expose the affair...and hit the 180 really hard....if shes still with the OM - file for divorce...a lot of divorces get filed - that never get to the final hearing....mine is like that.

I have done the 180 on two separate wives - both cheaters....one ended in divorce (my choice) and the other on to a really good "R"....as she did all the right things to win my back.....this R thing is a really long and hard road....BUT It can happen....feel free to read my story in my profile - the 180 does work. It is not a secret plan to get your wifes head out of her ass - just that is what frequently what happens....its designed to allow you to detach from a toxic relationship - and having a wife that has a BF is VERY TOXIC!!!

Time to go "alpha male" on your wife - let her know what you will tolerate and what you wont....set limitations and boundaries...and be prepared to back them up...

Know this is not your fault....

Keep us posted....

Bufffalo

[This message edited by bufffalo at 10:31 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

double post.....oops...

[This message edited by bufffalo at 2:12 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

Stanley.....just checkin' on you.

Bufffalo

Thank you to EVERYONE who has posted advice to me. I was desperate to have a voice and to be heard and I stumbled on this site by accident. It has been exactly what I need. Thank you especially to Bufffalo for checking up on me. I am lost at the moment because she won't communicate with me until after Christmas is over and at the moment I am in the I don't give a shit, fuck it stage so I will be focusing on the kids and trying to keep a smiley face until we can talk about this again. The only bright spot is the pencil dick she's torn over has left town for the holidays with his wife and won't be back for a couple of weeks. This will give me the time I need to "grow a pair" and say what needs to be said. She is beginning to make it easier for me to be angry now because she is acting like she's the queen of control. I think she is mistaking my sadness and hurt spirit for weakness and in doing so she is only hardening my heart towards her. So far everyone has been right on the mark about what she is doing and how she is acting. I know what I have to do, it just goes against the way I feel about her and how much I love her. I will just keep rereading these posts, because each time I do It strengthens me to do what I know needs to be done! Thank you again to everyone!