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brighten our day with online dating stories

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NeverForgiveMe posted 5/20/2016 13:40 PM

Oh, have I got some good ones for you!
This has all happened in the 5 years since my D.

Story #1. Chatted on OLD for a little while. Moved to texts, finally agreed to meet. He's about 6' tall and all muscle in his profile pics. When I walk into the bar, I see him...and he looks just like his profile pics. YAY! he's HOT! Then...then, he opens his mouth and sounds like a 5 year old after sucking helium. It was SO hard not to bust out laughing. We actually had a great time...until he walked me back to my car. He then proceeded to tell me that Obama was ruining America. That Obama was a terrorist, and because he had sworn the military oath (I swear to defend America from all threats, foreign or domestic, or something like that) that it was going to be HIS responsibility to assassinate him. :O I think that, by the look on my face, he got the idea that the second date wasn't going to happen.

Story #2: Same as above. Met on OLD, chatted for a while, agreed to meet up for dinner and a movie. While I don't like to do movies on a first date, I REALLY wanted to see this one, so I agreed. We meet at the restaurant. He's about 15 years and 50lbs heavier than his profile pic. Right there, I knew there was going to be no second date. We have pretty good dinner conversation, and me, thinking he would make a good friend, still agrees to do the movie. We go in, buy our snacks, have a seat, movie starts...and about 1 hour into the movie he leans over and whispers in my ear "Can I hold your hand?" Uhm...huh? So I said "Excuse me?" and he says "I really want to hold your hand, can I?"
(Now...I'm a person who LOVES confidence in a man. Hell, I'm 6' tall and love my 3-4 inch HAVE to have confidence if you want to be with me). So I said "Uhm...sure." His hand was SO sweaty and clammy! About 10 minutes in I gave the excuse that my hand was falling asleep and spent the rest of the movie awkwardly clutching my box of whoppers. Movie was over, I gave him a hug, left and never replied to his messages.

But...that's not the end to the story, people!

About 6 weeks later, I get a message on the same OLD that I met this guy at. It's from a female. She tells me that she and her BF are looking for someone to have a threesome with. Uhm...yeah...NO. I politely decline. She sends another message, practically begging. I replied to her with a "No, please don't contact me again".
A week after that, I get ANOTHER message from her, telling me that I actually know her BF, so would I please reconsider. Her BF? Yeah, it was Awkward Movie Guy!!!! I didn't reply and haven't heard from them since!

Story 3: Same as above. Met on OLD, chatted agreed to meet. He wants to take me to a diner, so I agree. He shows up, another one 15 years older and 50lbs heavier than his profile pics. Well, that diner is closed to he takes me to Denny's. The WHOLE time we are eating he's griping and moaning about how he still has to live with Mom because his 2 ex-wives are making him pay child support and he only has $100 a month in play money. When the waitress came with our checks (I always insist on paying for my own meals/drinks on the first date) he opens his wallet and literally SLAMS down a credit card on the table. Not in an angry way, but more of a "BAM! LOOK WHAT I HAVE!" kinda way. After a few minutes he takes the card back, puts it in his wallet and SLAMS cash down on the table in the same way. **BAM**
I then remind him that at Denny's, you take your bill to the front and pay there. He picks the cash back up, puts it back in his wallet and when we go up front to pay? **BAM** goes the credit card again. Yeah, never replied to his texts either.

Also had:

- 19 year old message me and tell me that he was a virgin but wanted to know the "moves" for his new girlfriend, and would I be willing to show him.

- 177 year old looking man who asked if I would wear diapers for him.

-There was the one guy I agreed to go on a date with, but after more talking got the creeper vibe so I cancelled, then was inundated with pissed off texts that included "BUT I BOUGHT FLOWERS FOR YOU!"

-The guy that had no car and no job and lived with Mommy so I would have to pic him up for the date and pay for everything.

Thankfully, I met a good one (newly dating) and we are having fun, so I'm not being inundated with the crazy right now. :)

FaithFool posted 5/20/2016 15:03 PM

Whatever you do, don't click on "Rate Photos" on PoF.

Unless you want to see things you can't unsee.

Husburned posted 5/20/2016 16:08 PM

Red flags for me with women on OLD sites:

Angry usernames like: "TiredOfHeadGames"
An interminably long photo spread of their dog(s)
A litany of behaviors they won't put up with
Brutally airbrushed pics
Overt sexuality - forced cleavage shots, lip biting pouts
The group photo where the subject is almost impercetible
The obvious fake profile - minimal information, a Russian sounding name and cheesecake photos

and I assume the men's profiles are far worse/more entertaining...

[This message edited by Husburned at 2:45 PM, May 21st (Saturday)]

shiloe posted 5/20/2016 19:34 PM

There are a lot of single moms out there or the 80/20.

What is 80/20?

xswimmer posted 5/20/2016 21:25 PM

What is 80/20?

I didn't know either. Googe "80/20 women" and you'll find lots of explanations.

phmh posted 5/22/2016 00:37 AM

I went on over 60 first dates, most of them from online dating. I've probably shared most of the really funny ones here over the years, but here are my funniest, favorite, shortest ones:

1. Guy is speaking with an obviously fake British accent. After a bit, I ask where he is from. Completely seriously, he responds in his fake British accent, "I am from Narnia!"

2. Date at the art museum. At every painting, the guy tells me what his dog would think about the painting. "Oh, Lizzie would be so happy if she could wake up every morning and see this sunset painting!" "Lizzie hates the color blue; if this were hanging on my wall, it would give her nightmares." Once or twice, it could be funny (I am a huge animal lover). Every painting? Dude, you are too in to your dog.

3. Guy lied about height and other things. Essentially asks me to help fund his dream of opening up a penis cake bakery since he's about to graduate from pastry chef school. I decline, and also tell him in person I'm not interested in a second date. He starts yelling at me on the street for being a gold digger, then sends me a nasty text about how he used to make 6 figures and what a terrible person I am.

4. Long story short, guy I'd been on several dates with winds up getting a ride home from me. He invites me in by saying, "We've taken our friendship about as far as it could go, so I was wondering if you'd like to [insert "sexy" grunting sounds, which were not sexy at all, while thrusting his hips up and down] take it to the next level?" I declined, and said that I was not interested in seeing him again. He said that he'd cleaned his house, and repeated his previous question, with grunts and thrusts, all while sitting in my car.

5. Guy who was homeless for 8 years (voluntarily). This one would get several chapters in my book. We remain facebook friends and have gone to each other's birthday parties. My friends thought I was exaggerating his stories, but now they tell me I didn't elaborate enough. For example, he doesn't feel the cold since he's done work on his past lives and used to live in a Himalayan cave (said to me while shivering and teeth chattering.)

6. Went to an author reading of George Pelecanos, who is one of my favorite authors. Guy asks, "Since nothing that you do can ever live up to what you did in "The Wire," how can you live with yourself, get up every morning, and even write?" So embarrassing! But George was super classy when he signed my book. At the end of the date, the guy tells me that he knows I don't want to date him again, but would I consider being friends with him since he doesn't have any others.

I could go on and on. There are a lot of strange people out there and while I did get somewhat better with my screening as time went on, I never quite mastered it.

Best of luck to anyone still going through this! After Narnia guy (in Feb 2015), I deleted all online profiles and gave up dating, had the best summer of my life, and met my boyfriend when I least expected it. If we are to breakup, I'm not sure I could do the online thing again!!!

FaithFool posted 5/22/2016 12:06 PM

OMG I remember the penis cake guy story. You can't make this shit up!

nowiknow23 posted 5/22/2016 12:54 PM

There are a lot of single moms out there or the 80/20.

What is 80/20?

I took that as an 80/20 custody arrangement - that's what I have. DD spends every other weekend with her dad.

anonymousmale posted 5/22/2016 13:33 PM

As I rack up more and more dates with people who have their own issues, I'm struggling. I'm a straight laced guy. But I find people interesting.

I just had a date with a woman who is a recovering alcoholic & prior drug user. But she's 2 years sober, was interesting talking with her. Obviously massive red flags from a relationship perspective....but I feel like divorce/infidelity healing can come in all types of people. I'm struggling with how/if I should pursue relationships like this where I know the long term prospects are not what I want, but that friend relationships could be formed.

jackie89 posted 5/22/2016 20:29 PM

These are the best! Thanks for the laughs!

Met a guy on POF, we texted for a while (probably a month) before actually meting in person, we had a great connection by text, but when we met in person..not so much. He chose the place - CHILI's

1st he told me he was 5"8 - NO. I'm 5ft tall and I had heels and he was my height, so whom am I to judge, but don't lie..

2nd. He was so insecure, didn't know what to order, didn't know what avocado was, din't order soda because I had said I don't drink soda, ended up ordering the same thing I did - it was just a turnoff.

But the best part, came at the end of the date, he went to his car and got a box of chocolates (he had been at the beach that week, and had said he would bring me chocolates) - but guess what? When I got home I noticed that he gave me an open box of chocolates and 1/2 were gone!! who does this?
I thanked him for dinner, and that was that!

Fire96 posted 5/22/2016 21:22 PM

Not my story, but a close buddy of mine in St Louis.

He had been chatting online for weeks with a girl, and they both were really into each other.

During the first date, it was obvious that they connected, but he had to leave early due to work travels.

She had parked a block down, so he offered her a ride. They said their goodnight, and she stepped out of the car and left.

As he was slowly pulling away, he noticed her running beside the car, and knocking on the passenger window, He though it was cute she was chasing him down.

So he rolled down the window, and she says....

"Could you please unlock you car, my purse strap is caught in the door.

She never would return his calls after that....

nowiknow23 posted 5/23/2016 10:32 AM

ADryHeat posted 6/10/2016 18:33 PM

Just this week I had two:

1. We started to message on Bumble but the app was being wonky so we moved to KiK. My profile expressly says to swipe R if you like smart, funny, curvy girls and L if you're into the {insert name of city near me well known for high maintenance women with lots of fake tans, fake boobs, and fake hair} type. AND it has two recent full body pics. So we move to KiK and I ask what he does for a living that had recently taken him to {exotic faraway place} he'd mentioned just returning from.
Him: I'm an investor. How curvy ARE you?
Me: I'm not sure how to answer that. My profile says curvy and pics are very recent so if you're into skinny girls I won't be the one for you.
Me: What a great opportunity to travel through work! How was the food in---
Him: (interrupting) I LOVE curves. Send me a tit pic?
Me: Yeah, no thanks. I'm not here for a hookup and naked pics. Good luck to you.
Him: C'mon, just one?
Him: (an hour later before I blocked him) Just one?

2. Messaging with a guy and he asks for my number.
Me: I don't like to give out my number so soon.
Him: That's mean!
Me: Noted.
Him: Its a good thing you're hot.
Me: Yeah, that's what I always tell my daughter. I say "Honey, in life all that matters is being hot."
Him: LOL. And you have a nice rack.

anonymousmale posted 6/10/2016 20:02 PM

^^Adryheat^^. You get some guys with amazing self awareness lol. "I'm about to say this, and it's going to work out for me I Just know it". What you women go through on OLD I just scratch my head. F#$#king guys ruin it for us diamonds in the rough

one2ndchance posted 6/11/2016 12:05 PM

My profile lists the standard info including my profession (RN). I had a guy message me with a really long bio of his life. Then near the end, he admits to having a permanent tracheotomy. He wrote since I was a nurse, he didn't think I would mind. He assured me I wouldn't have to suction his trach as he was proficient at it. Next....

mizunomead posted 6/11/2016 23:38 PM

Message from a woman with 4 young kids. Seemed nice, but I told her that I was a bit concerned with her actually having time to date. She said it wasn't a problem. 2 weeks later after multitle failed attempts at meeting up I told her it just wasn't going to work. She theneeds said I was the hottest guy she had talked to in a month and was super horny. Come over to her house after 9pm and she will have the kids in bed and we can have adult time.....eesh...really??? Next lol...
Met a Gal for coffee. She seemed sweet, cute etc but conversation wasn't really going anywhere. She finally said she wasn't feeling it because I was too tall for her ( she was over a foot shorter then me). I asked if she saw my height on my profile. She said yeah but guys usually lie so she assumed I was shorter......huh..
Had a woman about 10yrs older then me tell me that her son was at his dad's for the night and asked if I wanted to spend the night at her house...before we even
Trust me ladies. It seems that woman are just as bad as men lol....
On a nicer note, I have been out with a woman 3 times now and we plan to meet up again tomorrow sometime. We get along well, easy conversations, and no pressure for anything more at the moment. It's nice..

FaithFool posted 6/27/2016 21:26 PM

We've been playing "who wants to be my boyfriend today?" at my house this week.

Today's zinger from a guy with two profile pics, obviously from sometime in the 90s. Both with the girlfriend/wife cut out in huge white rectangles but you can still see her torso and hand holding the wine glass...

MESSAGE: can the scar face bull be a hung slave in bed for the queen i will be a good service stud to your commands

You can't make this shit up.

devotedman posted 6/28/2016 01:12 AM

I googled "80/20 women" (from the top of this page). This came up.

"Free shipping BOTH ways on Women, from our vast selection of styles. Fast delivery, and 24/7/365 real-person service with a smile."

[This message edited by devotedman at 1:20 AM, June 28th, 2016 (Tuesday)]

FaithFool posted 7/10/2016 18:12 PM

Time to revive this thread because I got a doozy today. It's screaming "CATFISH" with the off-kilter flowery prose, but I have to share. And OMG, the email address is LOVEISREAL, because, well, yeah, uh, we all know it is right?

You couldn't make this shit up if you tried...


My name is ****, Though I am a widower right now,but through what I have read through your profile and I'm very impressed with its quality and deeply touched with the glamour and charm of your visage. That you satisfy my basic conditions - the virtues of BEAUTY and BRAIN - is not in doubt. Thus I'm interested in you. I'm basically and frankly interested in a genuine relationship that has the capacity to gravitate towards marriage. How do you feel about this? Now the heart of the matter: Could you kindly tell me more about yourself - family background; dominant culture; attitude to the ups and downs of life; past and present relationships; future plans; etc.It's my idea that for a genuine relationship, we should be able to know more about each other much more deeply bearing in mind that we're all preys to imperfection.Anyway you can email me some recent pictures of you and tell me more on my email which is ( Loveisreal****** At . I will be waiting to hear from you.Cheers..

[This message edited by FaithFool at 6:16 PM, July 10th (Sunday)]

LonelyDad posted 7/11/2016 03:28 AM

I went out with a girl who was way into alternativ e medicine, vodoo, witchcraft, ghosts etc.

After the first coffee date she wanted to have a second date at midnight, in a abandoned insane asylum that's the most haunted place in the country apparently. I wished her the best of luck, but that I'm not her guy.

A girl I met on tinder we went around town, had some coffee and talking at a bar, another girl was looking at me a lot, she noticed and promptly sat herself so she couldn't see me anymore. Later explained she has a lot of issues with self esteem and can't handle other people looking at me. Well, I can understand uncertainty and such, but for a first date this was a bit much. She ghosted me afterwards.

Met a scientist on tinder, really hit it off, but she kept putting off actually meeting. 2 Months later the day before the date, poof she was gone. No way to contact her, so I took the hint and moved on.

One girl I met recently actually slapped me if I made a joke while laughing, and she hit hard. Was innocent jokes about myself and daily life, she would laugh then slap me in the face or hard in the chest or stomach. Half my face was red and I was bruised after that one date.

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