SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Wayward Side

husband999 posted 9/27/2017 23:40 PM

So my wife raised an interesting question. She asked why I was able to talk to AP about my wife and children and still be able to continue the affair knowing how much it would destroy my family. Did anyone here discuss your family with AP? Or did you just completely ignore the fact that you had a family when you were with AP? If you did mention your family to AP why do you feel you were able to do that and still have the affair? Was this just extreme compartmentalization? Very curious to see what others think on this subject.

ff4152 posted 9/28/2017 06:07 AM

I certainly talked about my wife and child with my AP. I talked to her a lot about the struggles my wife and I were having with my child. I also spoke to my AP about my wife; it wasn't anything like "I hate my wife" "she is an awful person" type of commentary. From what I remember, I mostly regurgitated all of the lies I told myself "She wasn't affection enough" "She doesn't really love me" cheater speak to a T.

For me, I was king of compartmentalization (I even got the T-shirt). I only saw/texted/talked to my AP during work hours and I was fairly adept at squirreling away most of my feelings for the AP while I was home. I think most WS are great at compartmentalizing; I mean how else can you lead a double life like that?

For me at least, I was able to do those awful things simply because I was a fucked up individual. Intellectually I knew that if I was discovered, it would wreak havoc in our lives but I figured I could weather the storm. Now, in the light of day, it's easy to see how disgusting those thoughts and actions were.

denwickdroylsden posted 9/28/2017 06:22 AM

AP and I shared info about families, spouses. She dissed her BH quite a bit (this was an exit A for her). I never dissed BW. All I can think of is it was extreme compartmentalization. I am not capable of that or of such sick dishonesty now.

D.D.

Darkness Falls posted 9/28/2017 06:51 AM

I only had a husband at the time; no kids. I didn't share much info. The AP vaguely knew him as we all worked at the same place.

Root posted 9/28/2017 06:52 AM

I thought the OM was my best friend so yeah we talked about everything. I did not know it would destroy my family because I didn't think it was an affair since it was never physical. Now it sickens me that I shared intimate details to a man who threw me under the bus after I went NC. I was so lonely. BH worked all the time, was always tired, never wanted to talk, rarely wanted sex so it was easy to rationalize that this was ok.

Selfish1 posted 9/28/2017 11:17 AM

Yes I did, I shared the lies about my bw that I believed and some of her negative actions as a result of my Behaviour. I shared much about my three children. I truly thought I was in an exit affair so it made sense to share info about them.. While I was slowly destroying everything they knew and trusted.

Zugzwang posted 9/28/2017 14:21 PM

I shared information about my children and general stuff like what we did that weekend. I never talked about my wife, how she was as wife, or our marriage with the AP. The first AP that I was much more emotionally connected to. That dating relationship was separate from my home. I described it to my wife as I was a teen or twenty something and my family had become a family where I put myself in the role of a teen child. Teen children don't talk about their family. They talk about themselves and friends. I did talk about my APs to my wife. Which gave her the "red flags". It was in ways that showed my interest in them. They are like this....there situation is like that....stuff like that. After the fog lifted my wife told me I talked about them like an infactuated teenager would divulge bits of information to his mother.

Now, after Dday. I began another emotional affair with AP2. The first APs new boss. I really couldn't stand her but I used her as a sounding board to get my justifications for when I was being defensive about myself and my wife. I did talk about my wife and our marriage then. Much like some new WS would come here and complain how their BS does this and that. Badmouthing my wife and she didn't deserve that. It really ruined so much after Dday. Stuff like, many WS might say they are over-reacting and nothing happened. I am a good guy and she doesn't appreciate me. I just made a stupid mistake. She needs to get over it. She is making this Hell. It was all bullshit and lies. Just ways to make me out to be that great respectable guy I knew I wasn't. That lasted a two months before my wife shut that down. She wouldn't allow any texts or phone calls between us. I think she allowed it for the first month because I told her that she was just a friend. My wife knew her and knew that this woman was trash and no where near my type or that I would ever be physically attracted to her. She knew before from the way I talked about AP2 that the woman disgusted me so I guess she didn't feel threatened. Plus my wife tried to nice me out of the fog for the first month. I also complained about not having any friends where we moved to and that she was a boss like me and I had to have the communication for work. I manipulated very well and it makes me disgusted to see how shitty I was. It took a few more months with the help of SI, friends, and MC to see just what the second AP was. Shortly before I came here for the first time. Personality wise she was worse than AP1. AP2 was out to get my wife and to get a relationship with me. I was just using her to have someone in my corner. Later I came to find out she knew it, but was fine with that. She enjoyed one uping any female. A cliche mean girl. She treated all her female employees like shit except for AP1. Thought she talked about her behind her back too. It was all just stupid childish Highschool behavior. Just the immaturity shining through.

Zugzwang posted 9/28/2017 14:24 PM

Another way I viewed it later. I did it because I banked that I could. I felt I had my wife's unconditional love and that I could do anything and she would still love me and work through it. I took her for granted and took advantage of her. Part of the whole her cast as a mother and me (free to do what I wanted) rebellious son that wanted no responsabilities but all the rewards of both worlds.

H0nest posted 9/28/2017 14:37 PM

i never talked about my W at all. i wasnt about to share any personal stuff about her, wasnt going to lie, and wasnt going to tell OW that i was still having a lot of great sex with my W. because then she'd probably ask me what the hell i was doing, and I'd have to actually look inward and ask myself that same question.

bravesgrl01 posted 10/12/2017 09:49 AM

I did share things about my family with AP because I thought he was my best friend. I said mean and hurtful thing about H.

Stuckinthesouth posted 10/12/2017 14:20 PM

Never did. Escorts don't really ask questions

Outfield posted 10/24/2017 12:27 PM

Early on I didn’t want to share much info about my life to my AP. But I eventually started referring to my kids by name. One time AP just asked, ok what is your wife’s name so you don’t have to refer to her as “she” and “her.” I told her because she had mentioned her ex’s name on a regular basis. It was awkward at first. We even had nicknames for each other, now I realize it was a way of avoiding the reality of what we were doing. We didn’t want to leave that fantasy world we were living in when we were together.

deephurt posted 10/24/2017 13:48 PM

WH said he didn't talk about us. MOW said he didn't say much of anything.

However, I know that he discussed me to some extent...ie, he did say he told her about us taking vacations and jewelry he bought me.

I know he updated her on what our son was doing.

He told her of a disease I have-which made me want to spit fire. My health is no one else business but mine and whomever I decide to tell.

These discussions were on the phone only apparently.

Our MC/my IC told him that he is above average at compartmentalizing. He is. He trained to be able to do that for his job but he used it for this also.

He said he felt like he was living two lives. I didn't existing in A land.

folio44 posted 10/25/2017 05:53 AM

This was one of the most hurtful things I found out about WH.
He shared our kids wedding invitations, special letters our daughter in law sent us telling us how amazing we were, he was trying to show his APs how amazing he was as a husband and father, in his twisted mind he probably thought it would make him more endearing to his APs. He was a sugar daddy so the father figure thing was prevalent in his affairs.

He said he praised me always, told the APs how special I was.
One of his Aps that I spoke to said she had come to love me,
how special is that?

His lack of judgement and discretion astound me, we talk about it sometimes and he admits he had no clue and was not being careful about it. To this day he gives his business card to strangers and then is surprised when they reach out to him and has consequences he does not want.

Lordofthebinge posted 10/25/2017 06:18 AM

Not a word. Made up lies about myself to tell AP. These lies I told AP told ended up getting back to my friends which helped me reinforce that my AP is unreliable source of information. In a sense...I planned an exit strategy.

Northerngal posted 10/25/2017 07:39 AM

My wh told her just enough. (She was his employee) Of course he thought (as he has told me several times) that he was in complete control of the affair. So she knew we were having “trouble”, she knew where he took me and things we celebrated, etc. He told me he wanted it to be clear to her that there was no future between them. That was his twisted sense of control. At the same time, he texted her from all these functions, saw her immediately after our vacations, made her privy to our marriage. All of this caused her to step it up and work harder to satisfy him. To possibly “win”. He used that word to describe her motives and she used it a lot in her emails and texts. It wasn’t love, it was winning.

It’s been 3 yrs since dday, so the sting is much less, but in effect what he did was speak louder with his actions. The words alleviated his guilt (I’m not ending my marriage), the actions told a different story (I’m risking a lot to meet you in this motel - how much is that worth?). I unfortunately held onto his words, she latched on to his actions, since she had an inside track.

It seems like anything he told her was a means to the transaction/triangle end from which he thought he was benefitting. He’s not proud. And it all seems so clear to him now - that the biggest lies he told were to himself.

Jesusismyanchor posted 10/25/2017 12:24 PM

My H said they didn't discuss their spouses at all. It was like we didn't t exist even though they knew we did of course. Ouch. No bad talking and no lies. We were still having sex. I asked if OW ever asked about that and he said no. They discussed the kids in general terms. Even that made me mad that he would discuss our kids. H said the only time I came up was one day when I went up to his work and called him asking why his employee was a bitch to me by ignoring me. It was VERY subtle but she had a rep as a bitch. He played it off o course as that (threw her under the bus to me) and later called and confronted her for disrespecting me???? All I know is that it all sounds crazy to me a a BS. But I am reading on this thread that it is possible. I didn't really believe him before.