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marriage fog??? When a BS Ends the marriage.

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jinkazama posted 12/1/2017 14:08 PM

Hi guys

Today i talked to a female co worker.

She is new.

She is a divorced single mom.

Actually she was crying in her car in the parking lot.

So i asked her whats wrong? Why she is crying??
Then after some time she came out of the car.
Then we started conversation .

She was crying because her XBH(yeah she cheated on him) is now another womans husband.
Today was his wedding.

Her story is
That She was happy with her XBH.
There was no reason to cheat.
Her XBH was loving and caring husband.
According to her she was satisfied in her marriage
She still do not understand why she cheated.
The background is she started working after being a SAHM (for some years because of her daughter)
So AP was a Coworker.
So her story was also similar to many of us.
OM wooed her for sometime and then full blown affair for 9 months or more.
At the same time she was happy with her husband
She was also trying to end it but could not(maybe enjoying the attention by another man other than her husband
Her own words)

So The Affair Ended when she got served divorce papers at the work.
At the same time her marriage also ended.

After getting served she came home but her husband was not there.
He had already left with his stuff.
So she started calling him but No Response

After 3 days her sister in law came to the house.

(XBH sister is a divorce lawyer.)

She told her that XBh know she was having an affair and wants divorce.
And wants 50 50 custody
He wants an amicable divorce.
XBH took the daughter for next three days to spend time with her father.

Her sister in law is a widow has two childern
XBH is staying with her.(now got his place near her)
So XBH sister did all the work
She was in shock.lost the job and never fought the divocre(maybe because she wasn't mentally well) recently got a job now.her parents helped her with money.

Its been a year and 5 months.

So since DDay or getting papers served day or whatever you call.
She was trying to contact the BH.but he never responded.
Not even a single contact.
She goes to sister in law home but he never came outside.
XBH sister put a Restraining order against her.

So she cannot meet him

Her XBh is contact with her only throught his sister.
So her sister is doing everything regarding the daughter(she pick and drop) of his brother(very possessive sister)

So this was her story now he is married to someone else

And she is still deeply in love with him
Dont even kniw how to move on.

Too much guilt and other sh't.

My GF said that this is marriage fog.

I asked "a what?"

She explained it with the example of affair fog.

When WS get caught and forced to establish a NC with AP abruptly.They try to find a closure

The opposite is
Her marriage ended.
Her BH established a NC.
And She is getting Carzy to talk to him.

When there is no problem in marriage and there is a love between husband and wife but one person is cheating(ofcourse we all know now that no marriage is perfect and happy people cheat too).just imagine suddenly a betreyed spouse leave.

The effect will be immense.

Because her affair was fantasy based on lies and lust. But her marriage was based on love and truth.

That is what happening to her.

My gf called this a marriage fog(its funny right) and it will take longer time.

So what you guys say??

Sorry for longer post.

LoveTKO posted 12/1/2017 14:19 PM

IMHO she needs counseling and to get on with her life. This is the consequence of her choices and her BS has the right to not want to communicate with her until such time that he is ready. This is what sometimes happens when you screw people over...

She'll be OK in the long run and will hopefully learn a very hard life lesson... It's all so sad and so needless..

Lawyerman posted 12/1/2017 14:26 PM

I'm sure she'll move on and screw someone else over. Whatever. She needs therapy. I have no sympathy at all. She needs to get better so she doesn't do the same to the next guy.

Darkness Falls posted 12/1/2017 14:29 PM

Oh I believe in the concept of the "marriage fog" all right---but with a slightly different take.

Like this coworker of yours, my husband discovered I was cheating and divorced me. Like your coworker, we did not have a bad marriage at all. In fact, I'd say it was a good marriage---not without its issues (like any other) but overall it was fine.

Immediately once my XBH was gone, and in fact for the majority of the subsequent 2 years, the rewriting and the romanticizing of the marriage began. All of a sudden, what were actually very valid marital issues became tinted with the rose-colored glasses and soft-focus lens of my regret, remorse, and shame. All of a sudden, he could do no wrong (and had never done) in my eyes. It wasn't realistic.

If I had been further along in my healing than I thought I was, when he came back to me 2 years later asking if we could get back together, I would have told him (nicely and politely) to take a flying jump at himself---because I would have realized I was primarily considering it out of my feelings of obligation and "owing him" due to my having cheated, and I would have also realized that the same (non-affair) issues we had in our first marriage did not miraculously disappear, and in fact some of them had gotten even WORSE.

Yep, I believe in the marriage fog all right.

jinkazama posted 12/1/2017 14:35 PM

BH never talked to her.

No message.
No phonecall.
No in person talk.
No email.

I think he will never talk to her.

XBh sister said to her that it is very painful for him to even think of his ww.she is just pain for him.

She said that she will do anything to even hear his voice.

I think she needs a final talk

She is in IC so she has accepted the reality.
But she just wants a final talk.
She was saying that how he was available to listen to her.
Now she has lost him.

Cheaters only win in movies

[This message edited by jinkazama at 2:52 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

nicenomore posted 12/1/2017 14:37 PM

Slight t/j

Darkness- respectfully if i May ask, i sometimes feel from your posts that you kind of settled with your remarriage, like you had hope for more but you have to be happy with what you i correct or close to it? Not a knock just an observation

Phoenix1 posted 12/1/2017 14:43 PM

Don't know that I would call it marriage fog as much as it is a simple case of a WS still being broken. This, to me, sums it up:

She still do not understand why she cheated.

In other words, she has done ZERO work on herself to fix her inner brokenness. Thus, she is stuck at the point of Dday. She won't move on because she can't. I liken it to a car engine that breaks down with the odometer stuck at a certain number. Until the engine gets repaired the odometer will remain frozen in time. Once the engine gets repaired, the car can be driven (i.e., moving forward), and the odometer begins to move with it. She is currently that stuck odometer, and will remain there until she gets herself fixed.

My marriage was "happy" for intents and purposes, Xhole didn't want it to end, but I, as the BS, ended it and went dark on him as much as possible. There was no attorney to act as go-between, otherwise I absolutely would have gone that route. To this day, I don't communicate unless absolutely necessary. However, he grasps at every straw for an excuse to contact me, most of which I ignore.

It is not up to her BH to provide her closure. He simply implemented consequences for her actions. She must find it herself, and from what you wrote, she isn't remotely close to figuring how to go about doing that.

jinkazama posted 12/1/2017 14:44 PM

Do you like horror movies Darkness falls(out of topic question because of username)

So my question is did you husband was nc for two years and he was cold. ICE cold.

Slight t/j
Darkness- respectfully if i May ask, i sometimes feel from your posts that you kind of settled with your remarriage, like you had hope for more but you have to be happy with what you i correct or close to it? Not a knock just an observation

Sorry but i do feel the same

Darkness Falls posted 12/1/2017 14:45 PM


Yes and no. I think to a certain extent my husband and I both did. I think had he found a NON-CHEATER that he was as attracted to, in love with, and content with after our divorce, I would never have heard from him again.

I also think, as I said above, that had I done just a little bit more work on myself (it wasn't for lack of trying, because I did eventually get there---just after we remarried ) I would have realized that I was desperate to regain what I had lost without really, REALLY truly examining what it was. More like "the principle of the thing."

I really do love him. And we're creating a beautiful family together---we have the sweetest, most darling toddler and we're having another little princess very soon. I know he loves me and our family. Our family is the most important thing in the world to me---not abstract "what if"s and "what might have been"s.

end t/j

Darkness Falls posted 12/1/2017 14:47 PM


I do not like horror movies at all---I've been asked that before, about my user name---it comes from something else; I don't even have any idea of the horror reference it comes from.

No, my husband was not ice cold NC for the 2 years. We worked at the same place and made small talk here and there. It was not frequent or deep communication by any means but it wasn't NC.

jinkazama posted 12/1/2017 14:59 PM

Thank you Dear

Darkness Falls 2003 is a horror movie.

Thank you for you honest answer.
About your marriage.

I wish you and your little family happiness

I hope one day
I will have my own family

[This message edited by jinkazama at 3:02 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

Darkness Falls posted 12/1/2017 15:03 PM

Thank you---I'm sure one day you will. Having my child and soon-to-be children has been the greatest joy of my life.

Iwantmyglasses posted 12/1/2017 15:04 PM

Totally T/J. I do not get the I settled vibe from Darkness Falls. To me she has a mature point of view about marriage, spouses, children.

IMO so many women put too much focus on romantizing marriage. Things will fall Into are mind readers...he should know how I feel....we know this isn’t the reality of marriage.

Becoming a mother has put a huge boundary up for her “of my family WILL be protected.”

To the OP. The crier is drama. She likes drama and this is why her BS went cold on her.

Darkness Falls posted 12/1/2017 15:07 PM


Thank you, I do agree. I was that romanticizer before, and it was a huge contributor to my cheating---not that that is any acceptable excuse. And becoming a mother has completely changed my perspective!

(I will stop t/j'ing now! Sorry! )

Hawke posted 12/1/2017 15:20 PM

I would say that she has not accepted the end of her marriage or her role in it. She doesn't need a final talk. What purpose would it serve anyway that is not self-serving?

She is not entitled to a final talk or any demand or claim on her ex-husband's time or presence. Her closure came with divorce papers, and it's up to her to find a way to move on. Her marriage was not based on love and truth because she did not act in a loving and honest way within her marriage.

I don't think it's a marriage "fog". I think it's a wayward spouse having trouble accepting the severe consequences of her actions. I think she needs more IC to get to the root of why she cheated and to accept that her marriage is over and she will never see her ex-husband again.

sisoon posted 12/1/2017 15:26 PM

I think she needs a final talk

Gently, she needs air, water, food, protection from the elements. She doesn't need a 'final talk'.

She may want one, but it takes 2, and her XH doesn't seem to want one.

Actions have consequences. This is one of the consequences she opened herself to when she cheated. A good IC will help her, if she wants the help.

I think it would probably be good for the H to give her her talk, but it's up to him. Perhaps he needs to do more work on himself before he can talk with her.

JS84 posted 12/1/2017 15:48 PM

She doesn't need a final anything (what people call "closure"). She needs to move on with her life. Nothing she could say or hear from him is going to make her xBH feel any better. It's all about what she needs. Obviously what he feels he needs is strict NC.

I do like her ex's style though. I've always felt face to face confrontation is overrated. Being served with divorce papers on the grounds of adultery is still one of the most effective methods of confrontation IMO.

[This message edited by JS84 at 3:48 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

cancuncrushed posted 12/1/2017 16:00 PM

She seems very confused, and full of self pity...which is probably what got her into cheating.

Jesusismyanchor posted 12/1/2017 16:31 PM

It's hard to have empathy as a BS. She gambled. She lost. She regrets it, but she will have to move on. She should be focused on finding out why she chose to cheat and destroyed her M. It doesn't sound like she has done that work.

tiredofcrying59 posted 12/1/2017 16:32 PM

I can't imagine, in my case, just dumping WH after 30 years with no conversation at all. Plus having a kid together. But that's the way some people do it, I guess. Whatever works for him. She should have expected some serious consequences, and she got them. If she were my friend I might feel sorry for her, but in theory, I don't.

I experienced a bit of marriage fog during this R process, in the form of emergency damage control and trying to hold the M together, and then one day things seem to stabilize and I'm like, "wait a minute. What am I fighting for? I do all this work and at the end of it all after all this heartbreak, what do I get? I win a cheater who lied to me and betrayed me. Do I even want it?"

And I've been wrestling with that one ever since.

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