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Every freakin night H parks it in his recliner and falls asleep. This leaves me to my own devices. To do whatever I want. Sometimes that’s okay, but more than not I’m lonely.

I’ve started exercising every morning and I feel so much better. I keep asking H to work out with me at night. I’d be willing to do it twice a day. H always says he’s tired. Well, I’m tired of being ignored!

This may be too much TMI, but with the weight he’s put on I’m not finding him very attractive anymore. I’m not only lonely, but I’m sexually frustrated also. I know, I know......I can take care of things myself, but that’s no replacement for a warm willing body. I don’t remember the last time we had really good sex.

It’s like he doesn’t care about himself anymore. While he was in the A, he was all about working out. It pisses me off that he won’t make an effort for me.

As some of you remember I posted about an attraction I was having for someone else. I have to say I think this is why I felt like that. Attention feels good. I don’t know what to do with H.

I'm not posting this to diminish your feelings or fears from your post or to scare you.

In all honesty, I think the first step is getting your H a physical check-up with a decent family doctor. I say this because that was my Dad's favorite evening activity for years.

It turned out he had sleep apnea and wasn't well rested at night, hence the snoring. A few years later, he had to have bypass surgery too.

He and his Doc were not into prevention, only fixing what was at hand at the time, and treating symptoms of issues that ended up being larger than the initial complaint.

The other suggestion is to approach him and ask him if he's feeling emotionally, mentally, and/or physically okay. Open communication with him.

I don't know what to say...I just wanted to let you know you have been heard (((HUGS))).

Yup on the recliner up, eyes closed mouth open situation it drives me NUTS

Why is this acceptable?

I was ignored for years before the affair.

This is absolutely bullcrap. This is completely unacceptable. How dare he lay around and leave you lonely after what he has done!!! How dare he!

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 9:57 PM, January 5th (Friday)]

So, took the bull by the horns so to speak, last night and talked about the inattentiveness. He said yeah you’re right, we could do better. Then he follows it up with “I’m tired”. So I say maybe you should see a dr and he asks why. I tell him a complete physical might be helpful. He’s only 51. I mean come on. I also say if he wanted to we could work out together.

He completely shuts me down. Just says he’s old and slowing down. Really!! I could see slowing down some, but the train has stalled.

I’ve tried. I don’t know what to say now. I’m ready to just tell him I’m unsatified emotionally and sexually and going to start looking for someone to fulfill that need for me to see what he says about that.

...then tell him that. Don't be angry with it, but let him know that's where your head is now at as a result of his slacking/sleeping/whatever. Your d days were awhile back. Do you go to MC? If not, maybe try? It could help figure out what's really going on with his checking out and saying he's old, and it could provide a place to start a conversation about all of it.

I'm sorry you're so frustrated. I'd be the same...

Mine has sleep apnea .. it’s the reason I get mad because he hasn’t got his mask on ... he needs it and I don’t care about him sleeping... it’s just annoying when u can’t hear the tv

So I say maybe you should see a dr and he asks why. I tell him a complete physical might be helpful. He’s only 51. I mean come on. I also say if he wanted to we could work out together.

Great, you destroyed his self esteem and emasculated him in one swoop! I would be very willing to listen to your demands then.

Attention feels good.

Well, then set your WS free to find someone who truly loves and desires him!

[This message edited by Schlammtaenzerin at 6:32 AM, January 6th (Saturday)]

Not sure how asking her husband to take a physical is emasculating. If there is something physically wrong with him, they both need to know. Fatigue can be a symptom of a lot of problems. If there is nothing physically wrong and he is just falling asleep because he doesn't want to deal with anything, then that is a whole different ball of wax.

Schlammtaenzerin, please explain how trying to get him to take his health seriously is emasculating.

This isn’t a matter of I don’t love my H. It’s a matter of constantly being turned down. A sexless M is fine if both parties agree to it, but if only one makes the choice then that isn’t very fair!

He may be Type 2 diabetic or close to it. One symptom is fatigue ( I'm not a doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night).

He does need a physical ASAP. That's how I found out.

The way you basically tell him that he is unable to care for himself. Also, your tone of the post suggests a far more critically unreflected nagging took place.

I agree that he needs to be checked out, but your nagging is not actually going to be helpful.

[This message edited by Schlammtaenzerin at 8:30 AM, January 6th (Saturday)]

So, took the bull by the horns so to speak, last night and talked about the inattentiveness. He said yeah you’re right, we could do better. Then he follows it up with “I’m tired”. So I say maybe you should see a dr and he asks why. I tell him a complete physical might be helpful. He’s only 51. I mean come on. I also say if he wanted to we could work out together.

He completely shuts me down. Just says he’s old and slowing down. Really!! I could see slowing down some, but the train has stalled.

I’ve tried. I don’t know what to say now. I’m ready to just tell him I’m unsatified emotionally and sexually and going to start looking for someone to fulfill that need for me to see what he says about that.

You probably already know what he'd say about that. Worse, it's not going to get you what you want which is a more intimate relationship with your husband.

I agree with other posters who recommended ruling out medical causes, so that's where I would start. And I'd have that conversation as many times as necessary until he's seen the doctor. If you're well and truly in R, there's no reason you can't come at this from a position of care and concern but also from a position of persistence.

Once medical causes are ruled out, what has helped me is putting our daily schedules on the same page. We get up together and we go to bed together. Not only are we tired at around the same time, but there's a bit of a comforting ritual to it, even on nights we're just sleeping. This also creates emotional intimacy because we're a part of each other's daily routine.

And because my H is also a napper, on the occasions where he does still fall asleep in his chair, I cover him with a blanket, kiss his brow, and allow myself to feel gratitude that he's warm and safe and peaceful enough in my company to rest. Then... I give him 40 minutes and wake his ass up.

Well, then set your WS free to find someone who truly loves and desires him!

But...that would actually require his dead ass to get out of his recliner in order to "be" with that mystical someone whose looking to love a repeat-offender cheater with no sex drive.

Flatlined, he sounds completely and totally disengaged from you and your marriage. You can't force him to feel something he doesn't feel. More so, you didn't put yourself through reconciliation - TWICE - with him just so you could live the rest of your life regretting that choice and feeling unloved and lonely.

No one is worth that price tag.

**posting as a member **

Great, you destroyed his self esteem and emasculated him in one swoop! I would be very willing to listen to your demands then.

First, ********* Deleted, in order to save the mods some work and to save myself from getting a very serious PM from a mod.

Look, sludge dancer, if he's moping around and thinking he's old at 51, his self-esteem is already destroyed. Oh - and he's a WS, so we know his self-esteem is almost dead and buried. Suggesting a physical might show him he's not all that old is the opposite of destroying his self esteem.

Flatlined, I strongly recommend that you don't ask him his thoughts on you finding a lover. Rather, I suggest giving him a deadline for setting up and completing an exam.

I don't really remember much about health recommendations for youngsters, but I think an annual exam is recommended for people 50 and older.

The way you basically tell him that he is unable to care for himself. Also, your tone of the post suggests a far more critically unreflected nagging took place.

I agree that he needs to be checked out, but your nagging is not actually going to be helpful

.

Ahh, yes, confirmed my suspicions. You are a wayward. Present and in R? You sure about that? What does your BS say? Do you call her a "nag" every time she brings up your affair?

Work harder, schlam. Get yourself over to the wayward forum. They'll set you straight.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:08 AM, January 6th (Saturday)]

Okay...my turn I guess.

I too am lazy without certain "motivators".

I too used to pass out in the recliner leaving my wife to go to bed by herself.

I too put on a few pounds and lost interest in really wooing/courting my wife.

For that matter, that was me several years ago (3 or 4, I think) and not a current issue.

Incidentally, I am not a WW and never have been.

For me, it was a rather complicated combination of things that contributed to this failing of mine to invest in our relationship.

On the one hand, I find myself too lazy and unmotivated to look at all of your previous postings to know what who the crap I'm really talking to and the situation I'm posting into right now, but I won't let that stop me this time.

I was stressed out and didn't have vision. I felt like everything I tried to do or say fell on deaf or Eyeore-ish/Debbie Downer ears and eyes. I had tried to spend time and money and wine and lovin' and dine and doting on my wife. It all fell completely flat or even BACKFIRED at me, or so I felt. It was so much emotional risk and so disappointing to actually put out that much of myself (mostly quite happily at first) and see it just crumpled up and thrown away like so much trash that I didn't even see the point in trying after a (VERY LONG) while.

I'm not saying that you are like my wife. And I don't know if your husband feels like or has the same results or motivation as I did back then. I'm only saying that some of this shoe leather might fit and some might not.

In any case, when I wasn't stressed out (mental fatigue), I was very often MAXED out physically AND emotionally.

I could tell you why that is. In my case I was a forty-something framing up houses with German-work-ethic, DEATH WISH LOVING MANIACS that were all half my age and taking their unused sex drive/testosterone frustrations out on trying to outdo Guiness World Record books for getting things done in practically every category of their twisted cultish lives! But that's another story or two.

I saw little to no return on my investment and by the time I got home, I was spent anyway...

My immediate recommendation to you is to first off kidnap him to go with you to exercise in the morning or on a day off (preferably in the morning there too). Start off easy. Get him hooked on the feeling (insert cheesy 80's music here).

And give him a serious return on his investment--even if he doesn't deserve ANY of it in your own mind. I'm not saying that he even does. Especially if he's an unremorseful wayward #@$#@...But as for YOU getting what YOU"RE wanting out of HIM...well...that's my first bit of advice to a female of the species speaking myself as a male.

I think that even a disinterested, selfish POS will get up and get the ball rolling if he has the right reason to do so, but there isn't a car or truck alive that runs when it's out of gas.

Granted, he did this stuff for his fellow traitor-chick. And I don't blame you for being completely pissy about that at ALL. But aside from the injustice and your very justifiable jealousy over that aspect of his selling himself out to another woman, he might just have other factors at work in his mind or body contributing or trainwrecking his drive to do those things for YOU or even for himSELF.

I agree with at LEAST THIS bit from Sisoon:

if he's moping around and thinking he's old at 51, his self-esteem is already destroyed. Oh - and he's a WS, so we know his self-esteem is almost dead and buried.

(which I cut and pasted somewhat piecemeal there, leaving bits before and after out of it, I readily admit)

I don't know enough of the context here to agree or disagree with the rest of what Sisoon said there, but I do know that my own fWW has SERIOUSLY struggled with self-esteem and the motivation to get her game on ever since we got the rug out and started cleaning her skid-marks out of it. It hasn't been a pretty picture for EITHER of us to deal with and she feels like the SHIT we've been mopping up and steamcleaning out of there for quite awhile now, to be frank with you.

Question:

1) When he was getting in shape for his AP, was it at the end of the day or the beginning?

2) What kind of return on investment was he getting for his efforts? (kinda rhetorical there, but I'm trying to help you get into his male psyche here)

3) What kind of returns can he reasonably expect on doing the same for YOU? (I'm not trying to be ugly or anything to you there...I'm just trying to get you to answer that for yourself the way HE would instead of the way that maybe he SHOULD at this point.)

4) Isn't this very similar to how you yourself are already thinking and feeling when you feel like doing a similar "relocating your assets" maneuver where HE vs. another, different "mutual fund" (AP of your own) are concerned?

I think he might just need a jumpstart, Red Bull kind of shot in the arm to his self-esteem. Some people really DO need defibrillators to get their heart back in the game. And some just need a little extra octane in their tank instead. Either way, more empathy (however undeserved it may be on his part) might serve both of your interests better than mere anger or righteous indignation, however understandable such indignation may be in your case.

1) When he was getting in shape for his AP, was it at the end of the day or the beginning?

It was beginning of the day. He’d get up early to exercise.

2) What kind of return on investment was he getting for his efforts? (kinda rhetorical there, but I'm trying to help you get into his male psyche here)

I have no idea if AP appreciated his efforts. He was getting a great return from me before I found out about the A. I completed him, told others how proud of him I was and we enjoyed the extra stamina in bed.

3) What kind of returns can he reasonably expect on doing the same for YOU? (I'm not trying to be ugly or anything to you there...I'm just trying to get you to answer that for yourself the way HE would instead of the way that maybe he SHOULD at this point.)

I’ve tried a lot. Offering massages, I made a trip & purchase at VS, set up dates, role played......nobody should ha e to put that much effort in and get turned down.

4) Isn't this very similar to how you yourself are already thinking and feeling when you feel like doing a similar "relocating your assets" maneuver where HE vs. another, different "mutual fund" (AP of your own) are concerned?

The whole issue is this. What he is doing is giving you the feeling of not being into you.

It’s so upsetting because we KNOW the risk to partake in affair.

After an affair, we want to be the number one consideration.

What he is doing isn’t the best thing for you. It certainly isn’t the best thing for the marriage.

It’s a roommate thing. Not a lover nor a partner thing.