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WH took his polygraph this evening. I had 2 questions: has WH had sexual intercourse with anyone other the W and AP since 1992? and since December has WH had any contact with any of the OW? Well he failed. Mostly showed deceit on 1St question. At present WH is extremely angry saying poly was not accurate, that I know all his indiscretions. He is being very adament that he told the whole truth. I feel so pathetic cuz I want to believe him and his show of indignation. However I then remember ALL the times he has lied and swore to me I knew it all, only to find out later there was much more. I think this is it. I can't take the lying anymore. Shit all the terrible stuff he's done that I know about leaves me wondering what else there is. I've asked him to move out. He says he won't cuz he wants R. So I will be leaving tomorrow to go stay with my BF. I never wanted D and he says he doesn't either, but I can't live like this. I'm doing my best to convince myself I deserve better and can be happy again, but it's harf

[This message edited by Cujochurch at 9:25 PM, January 19th (Friday)]

The fact that he is making you leave instead of respecting your wishes demonstrates to you just how controlling he truly is. If he really truly wanted R with you and not just his own comfort, he would be the one to pack his bags.

The fact that you are choosing to leave despite his refusal demonstrates your strength. I'm sorry that he failed the poly.

Cujo,

I’m so sorry. So sorry

[This message edited by LongSigh at 10:01 PM, January 19th (Friday)]

Cujo, his indignation is exactly why you shouldn't believe him. Liars are usually indignant when confronted. Couple that with the history of repeatedly lying, TT'ing you, forcing you to leave and this is a cheater's cocktail. Unfortunately I think the polygraph was right. You could ask him to take another but with his attitude, he's not a candidate for R.

Sounds mostly like he's indignant that his bluff didn't work. So, he'll keep bluffing hoping eventually it works? The very definition of insanity, and/or arrogance.

If I had failed a poly that I knew that I should have passed, I would be more bewildered than angry, frankly. That anger, coupled with his refusal to put your needs first by leaving, is a big fat red flag to me, that he knows that he got caught and is going to continue lying to you in the hopes that you'll fall for it. I'm glad that you have your BF to go to. You do need to get away from him and his lies for a while until you can make a firm decision about what you're going to do.

Different take. If my marriage hung on passing a polygraph and I failed despite telling the truth I would be angry as hell, too.

I am not saying your WH is lying or not. What I am saying is that polygraph's are not 100% reliable and you can get results that are false, either way.

I took a polygraph. I lied. I passed. I would never trust the results of a polygraph.

To have a polygraph be the final authority on anyone's marriage either going forward or not, I feel, is not in anyone's best interest.

(((Cujochurch)))

Well luckily, the cheating is enough reason to D. If a polygraph is the one thing that can save a WS from a divorce, it's too bad there isn't a better device. At least he had a chance.

You don't want your marriage to hang on an imperfect measuring device? Guess you shouldn't practicing lying and cheating to begin with.

What's your next step cujo?

Well luckily, the cheating is enough reason to D.

Luckily?

P.S. I am not quite sure how you meant that sassylee but it just struck me as funny. "Gee, luckily, he cheated so I can get a divorce." You can get a divorce for any reason, luckily.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 1:06 PM, January 20th (Saturday)]

After sleeping on it I've decided to give him 1 week to come clean with me. Then retake test before a more final decision is made. This morning he hasn't spoken to me at all so not sure where his head is at today.

I was really hurt and then angry last night. Scary thing is this morning I don't really care. I think I'm finally accepting this is who he is and not willing or wanting to change. I'm just numb now.

Cujo, his indignation is exactly why you shouldn't believe him. Liars are usually indignant when confronted.

And people who are telling the truth but accused of lying are not upset at all. (yeah right; we are all human!)

It is my opinion that she is not one bit closer to knowing whether he lied or not (on those two questions) than before he took the test.

I was pointing out that if she was hoping the poly would show he was being truthful, and it didn't...then she has more than enough reason to D. She doesn't have to stay in a marriage where she feels she still being lied to and deceived. You can hate a polygraph all you want. It might have been her WH's only chance to stay married. It didn't pan out for him. Thus is the crux of cheating. You lie and cheat and then boo hoo if the only way to tell that you are now telling the truth is imperfect.

Cujo, most of us at some point have to decide if we know enough. If your gut says he's lying - then give him the chance to come clean and then do what's best for you. Protect yourself going forward....whether that's 180 or filing.

[This message edited by sassylee at 1:47 PM, January 20th (Saturday)]

Why waste any more money on a polygraph? You are giving him a week to come clean. If he doesn’t, takes another poly and passed, then what? Sounds to me you are just trying to find anything to hold on to to believe he’s no longer lying.

Here’s the deal. He’s lied to you ALOT. He is a known liar that failed a test that’s supposed to detect deception. He failed. Obviously his disclosure to you left you not feeling he was truthful. You have your answer.

Giving him a week and then retesting just shows him how willing you are to believe his lies. In my opinion you are sending a terrible signal that undermines your own well being.

"e. This morning he hasn't spoken to me at all so not sure where his head is at today."

This is not how a truthful person would act. I would be begging to take it again. And constantly professing my truth.

I would never ask my H to take a polygraph test.

If I had to go that - to me - the M is over.

There is nothing left if you need someone or something else to verify if your spouse is lying.

To me if you ask a question and the answer is a lie and not truthful - then the person is a liar. It doesn’t change who they are.

Does it matter IF the polygraph is right or wrong? In this case there is still suspicion. And lack of honesty. And the H’s responses can be interpreted in many ways.

He won’t leave b/c he wants to R. Good or bad - he created this mess. What is he doing to make amends? What is he doing to R?

Those are the more pressing issues. My H denied a 4yr EA almost 20 years ago. I KNEW it occurred. He just denied it.

Now he is making amends. He is transparent. He has admitted his mistakes. He has changed. He’s not the same CH from years ago (last A was in 2013).

The anger and silent treatment is disturbing. I'm not sure how I would expect one to act if they took a poly and told the truth but failed. I just know that defensiveness and anger usually are not good indicators of remorse or empathy. I mean the silent treatment because you don't believe him? He brought this into your life in the first place and made it worse with multiple lies.

I agree with continuing with consequences that you have outlined. Why not offer another like you mentions and maybe even with a different examiner? I wonder how he would react to that with the same questions? Sadly, he could still be bluffing hoping he can convince you.

When they have lies so much it is hars to tell. How did he act going into the poly?

Make your own decision. Based on your experience.

I’ve taken a poly and used to work in a building where a polygraph business conducted them all day.

In fact they actually had to move the office to have a separate entrance due to some of the upset clients. I don’t think they are infallible. But I would have no problem having my husband take one and listening to their analysis.

I’ll throw out there that I believe in another pseudoscientific device. The gut.

You are not me or any other poster on the board. You have a unique individual point of view. You know the specifics of your situation. You end or stay in your marriage based on what you choose are the best and most important factors in your relationship.

Just know that we are here to help. Whatever your decision.

And people who are telling the truth but accused of lying are not upset at all. (yeah right; we are all human!)

Hence I said usually since sometimes they are. No one is saying polygraphs are perfect but I'd take the chance that it's wrong over the smaller likelihood of a repeated liar's word being true any day especially if their story just doesn't match up.

Cujo, I think your idea is fine. It's worked for some. If you can do it and it's what you want, go for it.

Edit: I'd like to point out that a quick Google search of polygraph reliability has them at about 90% with a certified administator. Higher with more experience. Let's say that's wrong and it's closer to 80%. So does the WS just now telling the full truth even come close to 80%? Probably not. When you throw on more suspicious behavior such as repeated TT, defensiveness, and your own gut reaction, that chance of them being truthful drops lower and lower. You're no longer working with a normal 50/50 chance of something being true or not. Each factor, the infidelity, the past lies, and the defensiveness pushes that statistic incrementally so that the chance of you having the truth is smaller and smaller. JUST defensiveness is not necessarily a good indicator but past lies, a failed polygraph, AND defensiveness/shutting down? Suddenly the chance of them being innocent is very small. Not impossible but not enough to bet a marriage and future on. Getting a poly is really just a good decision when it comes to statistics and risk assessment.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 8:10 PM, January 20th (Saturday)]

Thats interesting, nekonamida, because when I googled "Polygraph Accuracy" the first four articles that popped up didn't say that at all. The second article included this, though,

"Proponents will say the test is about 90 percent accurate. Critics will say it's about 70 percent accurate," said Frank Horvath of the American Polygraph Association.

Notice who Frank Horvath works for or belongs too. Maybe a little bias there.

None of what I have read supports what you have posted, but maybe you googled something different.

Personally, it doesn't matter to me if one polygraphs their spouse or not. I may feel it is a waste of money and something I wouldn't choose to do, but everyone gets to make the choice they want to make. And, if they get some peace from it...so be it.

What I feel is just as reliable as the polygraph test is the "Parking Lot Confession". I would never recommend someone polygraph their spouse, but I am not averse to people LYING to their spouse that they have a polygraph scheduled and bring them to the parking lot and see what happens. Yeah, I am a gray thinker.

Getting a poly is really just a good decision when it comes to statistics and risk assessment.

Yep