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Finally! Therapists that get what a BS goes through.

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shellofme posted 2/3/2018 16:47 PM

I want to share a fantastic resource that I found (MOD approved!).

It's a podcast, and these 2 episodes are 2 colleagues (2 therapists who seem to really get what a BS goes through) speaking about Betrayal Trauma.

I wish I had this to listen to soon after my DDay. I learned all of this the hard way, feeling like I was going crazy. After going to 2 ICs (for me), 4 ICs (for my FWH), and 2 MCs together, we still had not heard a therapist speak this way until we heard this podcast! I wish we had therapists like this near where we live. This is the message I thought the therapists we tried should have been bringing to us.

I think this can be helpful even to those further away from DDay. My FWH and I both found it helpful (and validating what I've been saying I feel all along).

Relational and Betrayal Trauma on the Addicted Mind Podcast
Episode 21 link:
It's about 23 minutes

Episode 22 link:
The 2nd part is almost 40 minutes.

It sounds like a lot of time, but I think it's time well spent. Let me know what you think.

SisterMilkshake posted 2/3/2018 16:56 PM

Thanks for sharing, shellofme. I hope I can find some time to listen to them this weekend. It sounds interesting even though I am 8 years post d-day. I was very traumatized by my FWH's LTA and didn't find SI until 8 months post d-day. Yeah, our MC didn't "get it" at all.

SAM25nov2016 posted 2/3/2018 18:31 PM

Just listened to both - thank-you!! Love her approach to betrayed partners - treats them as trauma patients.

Cried a lot ...

ISurvivedSoFar posted 2/3/2018 19:12 PM

Thank you shellofme. This is very good. The second one in particular was really good for me because it hits on long term impact and healing. Both for sure are good for BS and WS.

[This message edited by ISurvivedSoFar at 7:40 PM, February 3rd (Saturday)]

Illuminating posted 2/3/2018 23:39 PM

I look forward to listening.

Thissucks5678 posted 2/3/2018 23:46 PM

Interested in listening later, thanks!

Violated posted 2/4/2018 02:05 AM

The most accurate explanation I've ever heard or read about how a BS feels. Thank you shellofme.

Harriet posted 2/4/2018 03:56 AM

Listening to it, I found myself wishing I had been able to find a therapist who understood like this. I had to work through the trauma on my own. I didn't find SI until later, although it was a huge help in recovering from the subsequent divorce. It makes me wonder if I have really worked though everything, and if I should have worked through all of the triggers by now.

When she talked about how hard it was to buy a card after the infidelity, I whispered "yes" as I had just posted about this exact thing here a few days ago when I saw the Valentine's cards out at the store.

I sure wish my ex would listen to this, as he continues to cheat on women. I don't think he has any idea of the trauma he is leaving in his wake. He doesn't get it at all. I continue NC, though, so I won't send it to him.

redfury posted 2/4/2018 08:26 AM

Listened to the first episode. Wow! So accurate. Thank you for this.

sudra posted 2/4/2018 10:06 AM

I just listened to both.

It's the most accurate of anything I have read or heard about the trauma of betrayal.

I also noticed how the speaker refers to "betrayal trauma."

I wonder if it would be helpful when folks look for a therapist, instead of asking if the therapist has experience in infidelity, they ask if the therapist has experience in betrayal trauma… A lot of therapists claim to have experience in infidelity but that doesn't mean they know what they are doing. The different language might get a response from a therapist that would be a clue as to how s/he dealt with infidelity in his or her practice. Betrayal trauma certainly seems more accurate in what we look for in a therapist than simply someone who deals with infidelity.

Just a thought.

shellofme posted 2/4/2018 13:07 PM

I am so glad that you have found this as accurate as I did, and I hope it helps more people on SI. I am disheartened at the lack of free, helpful resources. SI has been my biggest resource, and even so, I still had to figure so much out on my own before I even found SI. I thought I had lost my mind until I realized I had PTSD symptoms.

I don't know these people, and I'm not trying to get them clients. I came across it when I was looking for a podcast about betrayal, and I was amazed to finally hear something so accurate. It validated what I have experienced, and I learned some new things. It was great to finally hear therapists that get it, and it was good for my FWH to hear professionals state what the BS goes through too.
SisterMilkshake: If you listen, I am interested if you found it helpful this far along in your recovery.
Violated and Harriet: I wish I/we could find therapists like these 2 that get it.
Harriet, you have good instincts to protect yourself by sticking to NC! It's not your job to make your ex get it. I didn't see your post about choosing a card. I want to find and read that. This is something that has been very painful for me since DDay. The store bought cards never fit.
SAM25nov2016: YES, I believe the BS should be treated as people that have experienced trauma!! This is often what I find myself reminding people closer to DDay: You've gone through a trauma proceed accordingly.

This is the newer approach being taught to therapists. Unfortunately, many of us have suffered from: the co-dependent model approach, not getting the trauma support, and our WS not getting educated by the IC/MC about how to support their BS going through the effects of betrayal trauma.
sudra:That is a great idea. "What is your approach (and experience) in helping people recover from betrayal trauma?"
I liked how the female therapist spoke about how lucky she was not to have been taught the 'old school' co-dependent approach in her training, and so when she did encounter the co-dependent model later, she was like, WHAT?!?

That made me think about how frustrating and discouraging it's been to take the time and money to go to ICs and MCs that don't GET IT!! My FWH and I believe that going to therapists that didn't have this approach, actually set us back in our recovery! My FWH admitted that he was eager to latch onto a therapist's words telling him that it wasn't all his fault.
ISurvivedSoFar: Yes, I found that helpful also. We're seeking help, because we want to heal, and the trauma needs to be addressed correctly first. I love that she describes (and it's typed out on the website) the Six Dimensions of Relational and Betrayal Trauma as well as the steps in the process of partner healing.

Thislife posted 2/4/2018 13:38 PM


Thank you for this!

OwningItNow posted 2/4/2018 20:58 PM

I sure wish my ex would listen to this, as he continues to cheat on women.

I think there are some similarities between serial cheaters and molesters; they do not know or care about the damage they leave in their wake. They are so narcissistically motivated that they cannot think about the feelings of others.

deephurt posted 2/5/2018 12:11 PM

These are awesome. They talk of sexual addiction as the betrayal trauma but it applies to all betrayal trauma including a ONS or EA IMHO.

Very well done. I wish they were more involved than they already all but I found it to be very validating.

Two day workshop sounds interesting.

Catch44 posted 2/5/2018 14:29 PM

Planning to listen to them. Thanks for the links.

hobort posted 2/5/2018 15:14 PM

Thank you shellofme! I'm listening to part 1 now and will send it over to WW.

Edit to add: This is a great resource and is healing library worthy but I was annoyed by her pronoun use. She was always referring to the wayward as he/him and the betrayed as she/her.

[This message edited by hobort at 4:11 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

unbelievable24 posted 2/5/2018 15:32 PM

Thanks shellofme. I'm downloading them on podcast addict now!

cnnabc posted 2/6/2018 06:01 AM

These therapists really do get it.

bdc1 posted 2/6/2018 06:07 AM

Thanks for this.

shellofme posted 2/6/2018 10:00 AM

I am so glad that so many of you have given this (MOD approved) link a listen and found it useful!

deephurt: I agree with you; I think it might also be useful to those betrayed by a ONS, or an EA. I don't think betrayal trauma is limited to PAs. I heard the host of the show state that he mainly treats clients with SA, and porn addiction, so I think that guided the focus of the interview.
hobart: I noticed that pronoun use, and I can imagine how that might put off some. I hope it didn't offend you. I agree that it would be an incredibly helpful resource in The Healing Library, especially to those closer to DDay.

I wish I had this to listen to when I was closer to DDay. I didn't know what was happening to my brain, I felt crazy, and I didn't know what was coming. It would have been reassuring to know that what I was thinking and feeling was 'normal' given the circumstances, instead of thinking I had lost my mind and then spending so much time dedicated to figuring out what was happening to me.

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