SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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Bump for ((((inadequate1)))

I want to bump this thread. It was very helpful for me. There are some new folks here who have been talking about marriage counseling (MC).

Marnie Breeker, Duane Ostertlind, and Omar Minwalla talk about infidelity as it relates to sexual addiction. However, the guidance on the ensuing betrayal trauma that occurs to the betrayed spouse (BS) is spot on. They refer to it as partner trauma.

These folks note that if not handed correctly MC can actually be harmful to the BS. It was for me. The two marriage counselors that I spoke with were both absolute disasters.

The podcasts helped me understand what was happening to me. It was nice to understand my situation.

Dr. Minwalla talks about the secret sexual basement of the sex addict. But apply it to your situation. The secret sexual basement that your spouse has by sneaking around with someone else. The secret sexual basement that is the cell phone used to communicate via text or social media. The secret burner phone. The secret email account. The secret dating profile.

Bump for (((Maj2021)))

So glad to pop onto SI and see that this thread is continuing to help people. I agree with DanielJK about not going to MC right away. It was disastrous for me and my marriage and many experts in the field are saying the same now.

If you can, IC right away for each is recommended, but only helps many BS if they are trained in betrayal trauma and a partner model. PLEASE fire ICs right away if they aren't helping you. Secondary trauma from unhelpful therapists is a real thing, and I have experienced it.

IMHO, soon after DDay a BS needs to be treated for trauma, not having a MC talking about unhealthy relationship patterns they contributed to. If your WS is in early R they aren't ready for MC anyhow.

Bumped for (((StayOrGo2021)))

ETA:

Secondary trauma from unhelpful therapists is a real thing, and I have experienced it.... soon after DDay a BS needs to be treated for trauma, not having a MC talking about unhealthy relationship patterns they contributed to. If your WS is in early R they aren't ready for MC anyhow.

I could not agree more.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:18 PM, January 19th, 2021 (Tuesday)]

New episode dropped last week, and it is all about how to find a therapist that will help each of you, and the relationship AFTER a betrayal. I'll submit the link for mod approval. Links can only be posted here after mod approval is granted. For those who need a link, before I can get mod approval for this specific episode you can find links already approved by scrolling back through this thread.

MOD approved link for before mentioned episode:

Approved Link

There is a newer episode with Stan Tatkin that's very good, but I don't have an approved link to post here yet.

[This message edited by shellofme at 1:29 PM, April 1st (Thursday)]

Approved Link

Another MOD approved link. This one is for the episode with Stan Tatkin.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:45 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

Bump

Bump

The Stan Tatkin episode was amazing. He pulled exactly zero punches and got to the heart of the matter.

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 10:43 PM, July 3rd (Saturday)]

The Stan Tatkin episode was amazing. He pulled exactly zero punches and got to the heart of the matter.

53:42 "The greatest prediction (sic) of a successful outcome in any betrayal case is the willingness of the victim to stand their ground. If they do not stand their ground the prognosis gets poorer and poorer. Everything hinges on that person saying 'It's this or good-bye' and they're unwavering and they're watching to see whether the person is behaving in accordance to these ideas and these terms. Full stop! That changes everything. And that will bring anybody who's a wrongdoer to their knees. If they care they do not want to lose the relationship and they will do their work, but everything hinges on that person saying 'You do it or you're gone'".

Thank you for sharing these links. They were really a breakthrough for me.

I liked our MC/IC therapist. She did help us individually and as a couple in a lot of ways. But I recognize now that by dealing with A as an relationship issue she burdened me with "shared blame" and rug sweeping that left my healing incomplete for years.

As soon as I looked at my response to the A through the lens of a traumatic event and the natural response to that, it snapped into place. I've always felt shame that I begged my WW to stay. Now I understand that it was a response to the trauma of DDay. I desperately needed a safe place and she was the only safe space I knew.

Discovering that place was no longer safe magnified the trauma exponentially but there was still no other place to turn.

It was no longer a safe place. It was a bizzaro world version of my former safe space. I learned in IC that setting boundaries was a way to start to find some safety again.

But as soon as my WW agreed to R I too quickly accepted her back as my safe space. I managed to maintain my rudimentary "must have" boundaries but I quickly resumed many of my old thought patterns.

One of those was feeling her pain more deeply than my own. So when getting answers became painful for her, I took our therapists advice. I reached acceptance and moved on. Swept it all under the rug and tried to forget about it.

Trust me, that stuff doesn't stay under the rug forever. And when it comes out, all the trauma comes with it.

NotMyFirstRodeo:

So glad it was helpful to you! I also thought it was an amazing episode. Really great to hear those words out of HIS mouth. He has said very different things about how to achieve peace in relationships that do not have betrayal in their history. Really fantastic to hear that he gets how betrayal changes EVERYTHING in a relationship, and that if you want to try to R, the parameters are very different moving forward.

sillyoldsod:

That was helpful to others that you got the quote in print. Thank you. I thought the episode with Stan Tatkin was really great! I'm so glad that this thread, and this podcast, has been helpful to you.

Seeking2Forgive:

It sounds like the podcast has been helpful to you? I hope so. You really hit the nail on the head when you mentioned boundaries. It is all about boundaries, for those of us R w/our FWS, and for those of us who chose not to as well. There is so much to learn. The quote above that sillyoldsod pulled off the podcast is really important for BS' to grasp, memorize, and then LIVE it.

I don't get on SI as often as you used, but when I do, it is incredibly gratifying to read that this thread has continued to help BS and FWS. Thank you for posting on here when it has helped you.

My R is going better thanks to how I changed from learning the info available to all of you here. My FWS has changed so much, and he has gone through his own recovery. He is able to give me more of what I've needed to heal, and we are moving forward more peacefully in R together.

I hope the same for all of you who wish to R, and I also hope the info brings peace and understanding to those of you moving forward by ending your relationship(s) too. Learning this info can only help all of us have healthier relationships moving forward, whether R with your FWS, or not. . .

Bumping for brokenbetrayed

Bump

Thank you SI staff for bumping this thread. I genuinely believe this information can continue to help people that find SI, but have not found this information yet. Many times I've stated that I wish I had this information closer to my DDay when I thought I had lost my mind, and I didn't know up from down. That's why I started this thread, in the hope that some of you will get this information sooner than I did. This info will help the BS understand what they are going through, and the FWS to understand what their BS is going through. My hope is that those of you who get this information sooner on your path to recovery, will have a speedier recovery with less obstacles and set backs, whether you are staying with your FWS, or not.

If you're new to this thread, consider going back to the very beginning to find the MOD APPROVED links to the original 2 part interview, and then the other MOD APPROVED links further into the thread. If you're inclined to listen to these podcasts, I strongly encourage you to start at the very beginning of the thread. If you're not inclined to listen to podcasts, there is an outline printed on the website of the original podcast interview, and there is also a lot of information out there now about betrayal trauma.

I don't get on SI as often as I used to, but I check in once in awhile. I hope this info will end up in the healing library to help many for years to come.

BUMP FOR Felix12306

Bumping for sleepylove.