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Finally! Therapists that get what a BS goes through.

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UneedToSmile posted 12/29/2019 21:19 PM

Maybe someone has already mentioned this, but I would love for my WH to listen to this. He is always the one that tries to pull me back in, but doesnít want to discuss....just wants to rugsweep. This podcast points out why and how important it is to be supportive of the BS. Iíve tried to tell my WH husband this, but itís almost like heís not in a place where he can hear it. Is there a grace period? If so, I feel like weíre past it and I need support to heal now.

Olwen1 posted 12/30/2019 10:34 AM

Maybe someone has already mentioned this, but I would love for my WH to listen to this. He is always the one that tries to pull me back in, but doesnít want to discuss....just wants to rugsweep. This podcast points out why and how important it is to be supportive of the BS. Iíve tried to tell my WH husband this, but itís almost like heís not in a place where he can hear it. Is there a grace period? If so, I feel like weíre past it and I need support to heal now.

I had my WH listen to it. I told him in advance that someone sent me a podcast that was helpful for people dealing with infidelity. I didn't give him the name or any other details. We were a few weeks out from DD.

I'm sure it depends on your situation, but I don't know if there is a grace period... I guess it depends on how much it matters to you? If it does, then I think it matters and whether it's this podcast or something else, he needs to do that for you.

If it isn't so important to you anymore, then maybe not. It is super helpful for me to hear professionals speak about the trauma in a way that I recognized.

shellofme posted 1/4/2020 10:31 AM

UneedToSmile:
I'm glad you found this. I wish I had this to listen to when I was closer to my DDay, and that's why I posted it for others.

My FWH listened to both episodes, and to episodes of their helping couples heal podcast.

Others here have found it helpful to share with their WS. I'm not sure what you mean by a grace period. Do you mean a time when a BS should give the WS more time to pull their head out of their butt? Or as some refer to 'the fog'. How long ago was your DDay? I'm not familiar with your situation, but what you shared isn't describing a WH who is ready to reconcile:

This podcast points out why and how important it is to be supportive of the BS. Iíve tried to tell my WH husband this, but itís almost like heís not in a place where he can hear it.
What is he doing to make you think he might be reconciliation material?

shellofme posted 1/7/2020 18:35 PM

Bumping for Olwen1:

Olwen1 posted 1/9/2020 13:41 PM

Recently listened to some other episodes on this podcast.

The first was on Disclosure: I found this quite insightful. I am new into this and disclosure has been confusing. A lot of people say put a deadline on it, ask for whatever detail you need and just be aware that you can't unsee/hear things. However, dealing with a likely SA, this podcast helped me understand how careful disclosure needs to be planned for both people and how traumatizing it can be if it goes poorly. I had told WS to have this disclosure in writing by tomorrow, but now I have asked him to have the draft he has started completed tomorrow and to show it to his therapist and ask for help on planning and/or referral to CSAT. I have asked him not to show me what he wrote until he has worked with professionals on it first. I am also going to talk to therapist about it. Even though it's painful to think that I have to wait, false disclosure would be so much worse.

I also listened to the Circle Plan and the 4th Circle: Was quite insightful. Being new into this world of betrayal trauma, It helps to understand some of the tools for the SA in recovery.

Highly recommend the episodes posted here and the podcast to those interested. The speakers are quite careful in their language and approach to the subject and seem very knowledgeable on current research

Thanks again to Shellofme for bumping!

shellofme posted 1/12/2020 10:00 AM

Olwen1:
Very glad this has been helpful to you. You're right to be careful, because you can not unhear/unsee things. If I had understood all this info when I was at your stage I could have prevented many triggers which still haunt me today. I read (and asked for) too many details that didn't end up making me feel safe and have caused long term PTSD triggers for me: model of cars, a brand of shoe I saw in a photograph, and many more details from reading texts I wish I never read. . . but I was in safety seeking mode, without professional support, and my FWH was TTing me. I turned into quite the detective. I didn't want my FWH to have any secrets with the APs that I didn't know. Also, my imagination kept things even more alive for me. I had to know the facts, so my imagination could stop coming up with its own movies, but when you have a lot of facts it can take YEARS to process it all (and go through your own history and reprocess what you thought you knew vs. what was really happening).

I'm not familiar with the circle plan. Good luck with disclosure, and keep us posted!

gmc94 posted 1/13/2020 01:27 AM

bumped for peachmelba

shellofme posted 2/16/2020 14:11 PM

New episodes out. The newest one is amazing! Thankful there is movement of practitioners who understand that being lied to and betrayed by your spouse is a form of domestic abuse. Most BS are experiencing complex trauma which begins with (for some of us) years of lying. Worth a listen. I can't post another link w/out MOD approval. I'll request it, and meanwhile readers can scroll through the thread to find links.

shellofme posted 2/20/2020 07:30 AM

MOD approved link:

Approved Link

Cheatee posted 2/21/2020 10:48 AM

These are really great.

I was shocked to find that several attempts at MC centered around my XWW's pain. The therapists were very concerned with her and what drove her to make bad decisions. They looked at her as a highly moral person, who was in such pain, that she crossed her own forbidden boundaries. I was marginalized in the process, which seemed to focus on de-guilting her and guiding her through healing. I was in searing emotional pain wondering WTF?

My only quibble with those podcasts is the gender pronouns. All cheaters/sex addicts were he/him and all betrayed spouses were she/her. I thought we were way beyond that.

Thumos posted 2/21/2020 16:03 PM

These podcasts started it all for me on SI back in August. I had been lurking for three years here and suffering in silence. I had a member account approved from earlier in 2019 but had barely used it. I think I had started posting a bit about my situation and being in limbo -- Then I saw these podcasts posted and shared them with my wife. The concept of betrayal trauma resonated and shook a lot loose.

Unfortunately my WW's first reaction to these podcasts was to accuse me of labelling her a sex addict. This caused a rift that has been hard for me to restore in my own heart. I found myself with 1.5 feet about the door. She sensed this and came to me with a mea culpa.

I repeated to her the list of things I'd been asking for three years -- and she started doing them, including finding IC's who specialize in betrayal trauma. But the fall became a protracted, lengthy drama that she dragged out until just before Xmas, when she finally agreed to do a polygraph Ö and failed.

Regardless, I would not have the clarity of thought and intention I have now were it not for these podcasts.

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