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Finally! Therapists that get what a BS goes through.

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UneedToSmile posted 12/29/2019 21:19 PM

Maybe someone has already mentioned this, but I would love for my WH to listen to this. He is always the one that tries to pull me back in, but doesnt want to discuss....just wants to rugsweep. This podcast points out why and how important it is to be supportive of the BS. Ive tried to tell my WH husband this, but its almost like hes not in a place where he can hear it. Is there a grace period? If so, I feel like were past it and I need support to heal now.

Olwen1 posted 12/30/2019 10:34 AM

Maybe someone has already mentioned this, but I would love for my WH to listen to this. He is always the one that tries to pull me back in, but doesnt want to discuss....just wants to rugsweep. This podcast points out why and how important it is to be supportive of the BS. Ive tried to tell my WH husband this, but its almost like hes not in a place where he can hear it. Is there a grace period? If so, I feel like were past it and I need support to heal now.

I had my WH listen to it. I told him in advance that someone sent me a podcast that was helpful for people dealing with infidelity. I didn't give him the name or any other details. We were a few weeks out from DD.

I'm sure it depends on your situation, but I don't know if there is a grace period... I guess it depends on how much it matters to you? If it does, then I think it matters and whether it's this podcast or something else, he needs to do that for you.

If it isn't so important to you anymore, then maybe not. It is super helpful for me to hear professionals speak about the trauma in a way that I recognized.

shellofme posted 1/4/2020 10:31 AM

I'm glad you found this. I wish I had this to listen to when I was closer to my DDay, and that's why I posted it for others.

My FWH listened to both episodes, and to episodes of their helping couples heal podcast.

Others here have found it helpful to share with their WS. I'm not sure what you mean by a grace period. Do you mean a time when a BS should give the WS more time to pull their head out of their butt? Or as some refer to 'the fog'. How long ago was your DDay? I'm not familiar with your situation, but what you shared isn't describing a WH who is ready to reconcile:

This podcast points out why and how important it is to be supportive of the BS. Ive tried to tell my WH husband this, but its almost like hes not in a place where he can hear it.
What is he doing to make you think he might be reconciliation material?

shellofme posted 1/7/2020 18:35 PM

Bumping for Olwen1:

Olwen1 posted 1/9/2020 13:41 PM

Recently listened to some other episodes on this podcast.

The first was on Disclosure: I found this quite insightful. I am new into this and disclosure has been confusing. A lot of people say put a deadline on it, ask for whatever detail you need and just be aware that you can't unsee/hear things. However, dealing with a likely SA, this podcast helped me understand how careful disclosure needs to be planned for both people and how traumatizing it can be if it goes poorly. I had told WS to have this disclosure in writing by tomorrow, but now I have asked him to have the draft he has started completed tomorrow and to show it to his therapist and ask for help on planning and/or referral to CSAT. I have asked him not to show me what he wrote until he has worked with professionals on it first. I am also going to talk to therapist about it. Even though it's painful to think that I have to wait, false disclosure would be so much worse.

I also listened to the Circle Plan and the 4th Circle: Was quite insightful. Being new into this world of betrayal trauma, It helps to understand some of the tools for the SA in recovery.

Highly recommend the episodes posted here and the podcast to those interested. The speakers are quite careful in their language and approach to the subject and seem very knowledgeable on current research

Thanks again to Shellofme for bumping!

shellofme posted 1/12/2020 10:00 AM

Very glad this has been helpful to you. You're right to be careful, because you can not unhear/unsee things. If I had understood all this info when I was at your stage I could have prevented many triggers which still haunt me today. I read (and asked for) too many details that didn't end up making me feel safe and have caused long term PTSD triggers for me: model of cars, a brand of shoe I saw in a photograph, and many more details from reading texts I wish I never read. . . but I was in safety seeking mode, without professional support, and my FWH was TTing me. I turned into quite the detective. I didn't want my FWH to have any secrets with the APs that I didn't know. Also, my imagination kept things even more alive for me. I had to know the facts, so my imagination could stop coming up with its own movies, but when you have a lot of facts it can take YEARS to process it all (and go through your own history and reprocess what you thought you knew vs. what was really happening).

I'm not familiar with the circle plan. Good luck with disclosure, and keep us posted!

gmc94 posted 1/13/2020 01:27 AM

bumped for peachmelba

shellofme posted 2/16/2020 14:11 PM

New episodes out. The newest one is amazing! Thankful there is movement of practitioners who understand that being lied to and betrayed by your spouse is a form of domestic abuse. Most BS are experiencing complex trauma which begins with (for some of us) years of lying. Worth a listen. I can't post another link w/out MOD approval. I'll request it, and meanwhile readers can scroll through the thread to find links.

shellofme posted 2/20/2020 07:30 AM

MOD approved link:

Approved Link

Cheatee posted 2/21/2020 10:48 AM

These are really great.

I was shocked to find that several attempts at MC centered around my XWW's pain. The therapists were very concerned with her and what drove her to make bad decisions. They looked at her as a highly moral person, who was in such pain, that she crossed her own forbidden boundaries. I was marginalized in the process, which seemed to focus on de-guilting her and guiding her through healing. I was in searing emotional pain wondering WTF?

My only quibble with those podcasts is the gender pronouns. All cheaters/sex addicts were he/him and all betrayed spouses were she/her. I thought we were way beyond that.

Thumos posted 2/21/2020 16:03 PM

These podcasts started it all for me on SI back in August. I had been lurking for three years here and suffering in silence. I had a member account approved from earlier in 2019 but had barely used it. I think I had started posting a bit about my situation and being in limbo -- Then I saw these podcasts posted and shared them with my wife. The concept of betrayal trauma resonated and shook a lot loose.

Unfortunately my WW's first reaction to these podcasts was to accuse me of labelling her a sex addict. This caused a rift that has been hard for me to restore in my own heart. I found myself with 1.5 feet about the door. She sensed this and came to me with a mea culpa.

I repeated to her the list of things I'd been asking for three years -- and she started doing them, including finding IC's who specialize in betrayal trauma. But the fall became a protracted, lengthy drama that she dragged out until just before Xmas, when she finally agreed to do a polygraph and failed.

Regardless, I would not have the clarity of thought and intention I have now were it not for these podcasts.

Marlita posted 2/21/2020 21:17 PM

BS here.
Met him online, never thought anything would come of it.
I was divorced for years, with two littles & had just recently ended a toxic relationship, with an addict & had no idea.
I was just in the process of losing a $250k home, as a result.
Told the boyfriend that there wasnt room for the 3 of, him & his addiction! So naturally, after crashing my car, he bailed, leaving me with my littles & a hefty mortgage.
I knew I was going to lose our home, but also had good credit before i got myself into a foreclosure.
Never asked anyone for help, albeit, I was petrified.
So I bought a new car, while I could & was in flight or fight mode, while trying to keep everything okay with my kids.
Decided to just dabble online on a biker site.
Wound up chatting with a man, who worked with the state police, about 4 hours away.
We vibed pretty well. Told him my deal, with 100% honesty.
We met in 2008 halfway in NY. I lived in CT, him, in PA.
It was awesome, we hit it off right off the bat, but NEVER thought anything would come of it. I mean, why would it? I had baggage & was a hard working single mom.
He was divorced, after 17 years of marriage, with no kids.
He worked for the state police.
We spoke for months before we met.
Then casually dated for a year before I let him meet my kids.
Everything was great. He earned my trust (mistake #1).
He eventually quit the state police & wound up getting a job in my local area.
To try to make this short, he visited frequently, as I had 50/50 custody of my kids.
Even drove 4 hours to come to me, to only drive 4 hours back the next day.
He made me feel beautiful, sexy, safe, secure. Told me everything that I wanted to hear. He even made mention that he had good credit.
Even before he moved here, Id often send him cards, homemade meals, & was starting to feel a strong bond.
He called me ALL the time! Like, a lot!
Wed speak for hours, send pics & trade everyday stories.
He casually moved in to the place I rented. Had a beautiful Harley & wed often ride together.
He eventually quit the State Police department & got a job in a neighboring town.
We always had a good time!
My kids loved him & he felt the same about them.
We bought a house together in my town in 2011. Got a dog & wound up getting married in 2013, in our back yard!
It was amazing!
Note: hed often go back home to hunt, which I was aware of.
I knew that he was an avid hunter & I would totally encourage him, to get away and decompress from all the chaos at home.
Id make him meals to heat up over the campfire.
Hed go about 2x a month from Friday-Sunday.
I never had an issue with it.
****HERES THE PUNCH....on 6/24/18, nearly 2 weeks before our 5 year wedding anniversary, he gets a phone call from a woman I had known about, years ago in which he reassured me, nothing was happening. I stupidly believed him.
Anyway, I saw that he was acting funny & she was on speaker reaming him out for something. For whatever reason, I believed her. His hands were shaking & I grabbed his phone & took off in his truck to call her! She confirmed a lot.
Come to find out, he had been having a relationship with her for 14 years! Wed been together & almost married for 5 years at that time.
He fessed up, to everything, as far as I know.
EVERYTHING CHANGED THAT DAY!!!!! Emotionally, physically, spiritually & maritaly.
This year will be 2 years since I found out.
Weve done therapy, together & separately.
The trust is totally gone & I feel jipped.
The kids have since moved on & we moved to our dream beach house by the ocean, thinking things would get better.
Well, theyre not. The trust factor is an incredible challenge to re-instate.
I feel like the man I married died & ive become a totally different woman.
The betrayal is one heck of a hard pill to swallow.
I struggle every day with the shock!
Ive even tried to go online & meet other men.
I just couldnt do it!
Im not ugly by any means, but still am distraught, as if it just happened!
I have zero respect for him & still cant get over this.
Not sure if I hate him for what hes done to me , or more upset with myself for being such a fool.
I feel like Im in an arranged marriage with a man I would never choose to be with, but also vowed that I would NEVER get divorced again.
Theres ZERO romance, affection & I have to be n a different mind space to even have sex with him.
I am so disconnected that I wouldnt even care if he had a relationship still with her or any other one else for that matter.
I just want to love again, let myself go sexually, and have romance.
But I feel totally stuck & given the shaft.
Im too young & hot to live like this.
This blows!
Ill take any suggestions or advice......
Thank you!

shellofme posted 3/11/2020 09:11 AM

Olwen1: Are you still reading? I just realized the other day (when relistening to one of these podcasts) what you were referring to when you said, the circle plan I didnt realize you were referring to one of the episodes of this podcast.

Cheatee: Sounds like you had some ignorant and unhelpful MCs also. Sorry youre part of my club. Im so glad you found these podcasts helpful. Every time someone posts that they found it helpful, I feel encouraged to keep this thread up for others. So thanks for letting us all know. I agree about the gender generalizations, and it was discussed earlier in this (getting very long) thread. If you listen to all of the episodes, the therapists themselves acknowledge it also. They state they are aware BS and WS come in both genders, but for time sake they are generalizing. It is true that MOST WS are male, but we certainly know its not all, and Im sorry that upset you. I am still trying to figure out how to change my speech/writing to be more sensitive to gender and pronoun language.

Thumos: They are stated they are aware they are generalizing by referring to most WS as SA, and they realize betrayal comes in MANY FORMS other than your WS being a SA. Maybe your WW didnt listen to the podcast or 2, where the therapists state that?

Marlita: Im so sorry you are in this painful and traumatic situation. Its great you found this site and reaching out for support. There are so many wise people here that can help you. Unfortunately, you posted in a thread that doesnt get read consistently. The podcasts listed on this post can help you, so give them a try, but for more SI help post in the JFO section, or the General section. There are also a lot resources under the Healing Library area on the left side of the home screen. If you want to post your story under your bio area, or in a post in General, you will likely get more help than on this thread.

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