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Finally! Therapists that get what a BS goes through.

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hobort posted 2/6/2018 10:58 AM

shellofme, it's a great resource. I listened to it a 2nd time this morning and forwarded it to WW letting her know that I identify with so much of it. The pronoun thing was just annoying and took it from a 10 to a 9.

demolishedinside posted 2/6/2018 11:32 AM

I listened to both (note: I don't recommend listening while on the treadmill). I cried as soon as she started talking about the existential dimension. Fantastic podcasts. I saved them and my WH listened to the first and is planning to share with his group.

aprilfool1985 posted 2/6/2018 18:06 PM

This was an interesting and emotional podcast; I listened to it with WH, and there were several times when I needed to stop the recording and process. WH hasnt quite "gotten it," which contributed to the stress.

h0peless posted 2/6/2018 18:59 PM

I listened to it on my commute, and other than being unnecessarily gendered, I thought it was really good. They really did a good job of describing and validating what a betrayed partner goes through.

shellofme posted 2/7/2018 14:15 PM

I am so glad that more of you have taken the time to listen to this. I hoped it would help others. I didn't even know how to get MOD approval to post something, and now I'm so glad I took the time to do so. Thanks MODS for replying to me quickly!
I think it could be particularly beneficial to those closer to DDay, those deciding if they want to attempt R, for the WS to get what their BS is going through (and what they have to do if they want to R), and I even think it could be supportive and validating to those who chose not to R, or whose WS didn't choose to R.

I found it helpful how the different dimensions of what the trauma is like are outlined.
Shattered inner world: check
Life crisis: check
Existential Trauma: check
Emotional Trauma: check
Sexual Trauma: check
Relational Trauma: check check

FightingBack posted 2/8/2018 15:16 PM

Excellent podcasts. Thanks for sharing. The six dimensions of trauma so accurately describes what so many of us experience, yet are ill-equipped at the time of shock and devastation, to put into words.

FightingBack posted 2/8/2018 15:20 PM

My H listened to the first podcast and the idea of losing a sense of safety really hit home. He asked me to send the link for part 2, which he will listen to on his way home tonight.
I am curious if he will relate to the “gaslighting” example given, because that is exactly the conversation we had many years ago. (Without him accusing me of infidelity). I felt very guilty and ashamed at the time I asked.

cactusflower posted 2/8/2018 16:09 PM

Thank you for sharing these with us.



[This message edited by cactusflower at 1:01 PM, November 14th (Thursday)]

FightingBack posted 2/8/2018 19:54 PM

Update on Wh listening to podcast. He was interrupted too many times on the way home to listen. I reminded him after dinner. He started to listen and fell asleep. Story of my life.

darkangel posted 2/8/2018 23:14 PM

Shellofme, thank you so much for posting this. Listened to both and they are spot on with the pain and the trauma a betrayed partner goes through. Very powerful insight of the struggles we have and it made me cry. I'm going to listen to them again and take notes. Definitely something that needs to be included in the Healing Library. Dang I wish I had this woman as a therapist. She rocks! Will have WH listen to them. However, not getting my hopes up that this might be a light bulb moment for him.

Timetoopenmyeyes posted 2/9/2018 00:37 AM

Yes!! A million times, yes! Thank you so much for posting this podcast. I feel, so often, the person that inflicted all the pain becomes the victim and the focus. BS trauma is swept under the rug and we have to help “the victim”. I related to EVERYTHING she said and the “feeling raped” part was spot on (I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse...which WH knew). I feel like I have been sexually assaulted/raped all over again and by the person I trusted most in this world.

Thank you, again, for posting this! ❤️

shellofme posted 2/9/2018 10:38 AM

I am so moved by all the responses from those of you that listened and found this helpful! Thank you all so much for following up by posting to let me know you appreciated it! It makes me glad that I took the time to get it MOD approved, and I'm so glad it's helped you.

Now, maybe we should head to the website where the podcasts come from, and let the podcaster know that we'd like him to do a follow up interview(s) with Marnie. I'd like to hear one with examples of how a WS can address helping his/her BS heal in these dimensions.

I don't know how to ask to get it in the healing library. I've found some books that might be helpful also.

Cephastion posted 2/10/2018 20:25 PM

I am going to post this on my virtual radio station thread here on SI.

This was amazing to hear since it confirms some of what I was dealing with in 1993.

My wife left me again saying that I was being too much of a "control freak" and wanted OUT of the marriage. This was the year AFTER her first adultery and abandonment of me and my 89 year-old grandpa I was caring for by myself (excluding her of course) at the time.

I blamed myself for YEARS, ESPECIALLY at the time of her second adultery and abandonment, because she told me that she simply "needed space" and was going to "work on herself and 'us'" while she was away living at her mom's.

I thought it was gonna be something like a one to two week stay or somesuch and I gave her my "blessing" to be gone for such reasons--even IF she just up and cleaned out the closets while I was gone for the day and didn't warn me or ask beforehand. We had talked about having "problems" and stuff, and she'd asked to go stay with her mom for awhile and I always said "yes" that that would be fine. But I didn't know that she was wanting to do the adultery thing to me (and herself) AGAIN at the time.

Letting her go like that was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life due to the fear and pain of other betrayals in my own life--partly her previous "exit affair/abandonment" and partly other FOO-related things. But I sucked it up and did it out of a sense of sacrifice and trying to do MY part of the "work" she was wanting from ME at the time.

My ONLY stipulation to her on being gone was that she stay TRUE to our weeding vows in terms of sexual purity and seeing other men. That's IT. I pretty much didn't even contact her at her request!

When I accepted her (supposedly very temporary) departure, I hunkered down and did such a fasting and grieving and self-introspection on WHY I was so supposedly "controlling"...I couldn't get closure or a reasonable explanation from my own gut. I thought I had forgiven her for her incredible rebellion against my trust (I had told her to not see her "friend" who came by one day, but she went to see and screw him ANYWAY, in spite of my forbidding it).

Now I begin to more fully understand and maybe to at least forgive MYSELF. She has never stopped feeling like I was too "controlling" around that time and it's been a pretty SERIOUS sore point between us for about 25 years now.

Now I can begin to more clearly see how "normal" and reasonable I was actually being during that time. I didn't even do a FOURTH of what they were talking about and identifying in that first podcast, and yet...somehow...I was an unforgiveable, irreconcilable MONSTER who let her have two almost full-time jobs of her own choosing and whatever friends she wanted at the time...I only drew the line at being out on city streets alone after 10:30 at night using city buses and bus stops. THAT was the horror of being married to ME! Not wanting to have my wife raped at night. WOW.

We have been reconciled for 22 plus years but these things have NEVER been fully resolved or totally addressed in a fashion that does ANYTHING EXCEPT say "MAN=BAD;GIRL=GOOD"...I am the "man" and therefore I must be WRONG. Thank you for posting this. I need to listen to more and have my wife do the same. She's a real Sweetheart NOW, but that doesn't mean that she or I understand what the HELL all went wrong 25 years ago! Thank you, ShellofME and SI!

shellofme posted 2/12/2018 12:28 PM

Cephastion: Glad that you found this helpful. Forgiving ourselves is part of the healing. Thankful for resources that help us get there.

CrushedLady posted 2/12/2018 14:04 PM

Thank you shellofme for posting this podcast! It was spot on and definitely plan on sharing with WH. I can relate to so much of it and think it'll open his eyes some that I'm not crazy

DogsnBooks posted 2/12/2018 18:37 PM

The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr Lisa is very good as well. She has a couple episodes about infdelity and trust, which she also frames in the Trauma perspective.

staystrong101 posted 2/12/2018 20:01 PM

Excellent. Yes, finally someone who gets it!

shellofme posted 2/15/2018 10:43 AM

Thanks DogsnBooks, I'll check that out.

CrushedLady: It is a helpful resource for the WS to know the BS reaction isn't abnormal. Before I realized I was going through a trauma, and had signs of PTSD, I did think I had gone crazy. That's one of the reasons I wanted to share this widely. I would love for other BS to get this information immediately, instead of trying to figure out what is happening to them. That added to my confusion and pain.

Not sure how to keep sharing this other than through this thread. Any ideas?

Emotionalhell posted 2/16/2018 13:44 PM

Just listened to both podcast for the 2nd time. I think anyone that has been betrayed whether it was a ONS, LTA or EA. has been traumatized. Wish they hadn’t limited this to SA. Still worth listening to.I can relate to on so many levels and know I’m not crazy for some of my reactions , especially how I have reacted to intimacy or the thought of intimacy. This is one area of infidelity trauma that is very seldom talked about or very few resources for healing. You hear more about HB.
Thanks again for posting

josiep posted 2/19/2018 07:32 AM

Update on Wh listening to podcast. He was interrupted too many times on the way home to listen. I reminded him after dinner. He started to listen and fell asleep. Story of my life.

In the same vein of sharing things we're learning as we plod along this path, I recently read an article about how many people fall asleep in order to cope with something that's too much for them at the moment. Keep having him try, it's possible he can only process a little bit of it at a time.


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