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Finally! Therapists that get what a BS goes through.

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shellofme posted 2/19/2018 11:17 AM

DogsnBooks:
I listened to the Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby podcast from January 29, 2018 called Recovering From Infidelity: How to Heal Your Relationship After An Affair. It was good, and I'm going to ask my FWH to listen. Thanks for the recommendation.

I also listened (again) to both episodes of the Addicted Mind Podcast that I recommended in this post. It was good to give it a listen a 2nd time. There is a lot of information there, and she didn't say anything that I disagreed with. She really gets it for the BS, and I'd love to hear more from her.

Emotionalhell: I also wish that she didn't specifically make it about SA. I think maybe she did, because I think that's what the podcast host focuses on, but I'm not sure.

I agree that any BS can relate to aspects of the betrayal trauma, whether it was a ONS, EA, or LTA, and regardless if their WS is a SA, or not.

josiep: and FightingBack: That is so interesting! I've always suspected that about my FWH.

realitybites posted 2/19/2018 16:46 PM

I just sat and listened to this, being an old timer I just want to thank you as this came as close to finally describing what a BS goes thru and the trauma then much of what I have learned. I had tears in my eyes for some of it.

I would suggest that people listen to both, part 1 and part 2.

One size does not fit all, she talks about 3-5 yrs but I wish she would strongly preface this with "only if a WS is completely honest and transparent" otherwise this timeline does not apply, also she uses the "sex addict" phrase quite a bit but does come in and say that you might have a partner who is not a sex addict but has had more then one affair or multiple affairs, because I do think there is a big distinction between both of these.... however this Doctor definitely "gets it" when they talk about the trauma of what a BS goes thru upon learning of their patterns infidelity. And how it leads to PTSD and the steps they go thru.

Very powerful. I hope others will listen to it.

shellofme posted 4/9/2018 11:47 AM

realitybites:
I'm sorry I haven't responded sooner. I'm glad you found the podcasts helpful. I agree with you that the 3-5 year timeline is only possible if a WS is completely honest and transparent. As I get closer to the 3 year mark of my DDay, I would add that it takes more than just the WS being completely honest and transparent, but also the WS giving the BS what the BS needs to feel safe and loved moving forward. That's a little different for each BS, but I think all BS need to see consistency from their WS. That's what helps us trust again, and it helps calm down the PTSD symptoms.

I think she addresses this in the podcast when she says that if the couple are going to stay together, the WS has to do the things a BS needs. She says the BS can heal without the WS, but if they are going to stay together, the WS has to act a certain way to aid in the healing.

Everyone is different and has their own FOO issues and their own history. We seek a timeframe for how long it's going to take to heal, but it really varies with each person's (the BS and the WS), unique history and circumstances.

shellofme posted 5/3/2018 10:41 AM

Wanted to give this thread a bump, so those that didn't see the initial links can go back to page 1 and find them.

I found these podcasts extremely helpful, and I wish I had them to listen to closer to my DDay.

The podcast Addicted Mind deals with. . . addiction, so the female therapist interviewed addresses that a bit when speaking about infidelity, but I think that most of what she said relates to the trauma ANY BS experiences. As I said in the initial title, this therapist really gets what a BS goes through, and it's worth a listen for BS and WS.

mlav69 posted 5/3/2018 13:48 PM

Thank you. I'm very excited to listen to these on my way home from work.

realitybites posted 5/5/2018 08:42 AM

I agree with you that the 3-5 year timeline is only possible if a WS is completely honest and transparent. As I get closer to the 3 year mark of my DDay, I would add that it takes more than just the WS being completely honest and transparent, but also the WS giving the BS what the BS needs to feel safe and loved moving forward. That's a little different for each BS, but I think all BS need to see consistency from their WS. That's what helps us trust again, and it helps calm down the PTSD symptoms.

Thank you again. I went back and listened to them for a 2nd time as well the other day. I agree that there is alot in there that truly will help a BS understand HOW they are responding to a betrayal. A BS will have those PTSD like symptoms and not understand them or wonder why they are acting the way they are... and if they are lucky enough to have a WS who is doing the hard work to R and get to their own "whys" with a good IC, it can help them understand why their BS is acting the way they are acting.

shellofme posted 5/7/2018 15:30 PM

mlav69: Let us know what you thought. My hope was that giving this thread a bump might introduce someone else to this helpful podcast.
realitybites: One of the reasons I wanted to put this podcast out there is because I didn't know what was happening to me post DDay, and it took me months to realize that I was (duh) going through something TRAUMATIC, and that I had PTSD symptoms. I thought I had gone crazy. PTSD feels like going crazy! I hope that other BS closer to DDay find this podcast and that any WS interested in understanding what their BS is/has going/gone through will give it a listen.

NowGuarded posted 5/7/2018 18:55 PM

Shellofme, Today I read the articles of each link you posted. I'm waiting to be able to listen to both podcast parts tonight. I'm pretty eager to listen.

Too many counselors lack thorough understanding and tend to deal with the problem with lacking insight on how volatile infidelity and aftermath are. Sometimes they've caused further damage for several people I know and almost for me. I found a lot of help and insight from Dr. Linda MacDonald's How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, SI, and a very few other sources.

Thanks for your willingness to share these links. I plan to report back after listening.

[This message edited by NowGuarded at 6:56 PM, May 7th (Monday)]

hopefull77 posted 5/7/2018 19:53 PM

I will listen to this
Thank you...

shellofme posted 5/7/2018 20:33 PM

NowGuarded: My FWH and I also got help from reading How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, and much more help on SI! I look forward to hearing what you think after listening to these podcasts.

My FWH and I haven't yet found helpful counselors, (for IC or MC). We tried 2 MCs since DDay (and we interviewed a 3rd MC), I've had 2 ICs since DDay, and he has had 4!!! I wrote a bit about this on SI a while back. It's been very frustrating, and we both feel that the therapists we've had didn't help us; a few actually set back our R process tremendously!

That was my other big motivation in sharing this resource. I do believe therapy can help, but the wrong therapist can hurt. Listening to this podcast will help people figure out how to determine if the therapist they are trying is a good therapist to help with infidelity recovery. To help, it has to be a therapist with the right experience and mindset. The therapist on this podcast didn't ever subscribe to old ideas that many other therapists were taught about why infidelity occurs and how treatment should proceed. She explains that a tiny bit.


hopefull77: Please let us know what you think after you listen.

concordiaburner posted 5/8/2018 09:37 AM

I took the following notes (mainly from Ep 2) in case anyone wants a preview of what is covered.

The Addicted Mind
- There are 6 trauma modes
- (1) Shattered inner world: threatens the following core beliefs
- The world is benign and a source of pleasure
- The world is meaningful, controllable and just
- People are trustworthy and worth relating to
- The self is worthy, loveable and competent
- (2) The life crisis: PTSD symptoms that lead to seeking safety, while also having to perform normal life duties with work, family, medical issue, etc.
- (3) Existential trauma: our core values and identity (how we see ourselves in the world) are shattered; the world is not safe; our spouse will not keep us safe. This is why recovery takes 3-5 years.
- (4) Emotional trauma: dealing with our WS's deception, gaslighting, belittling, contempt, and minimizing wrongs
- (5) Sexual trauma: struggle to reconnect through intimacy; sexual avoidance; sex should be considered broadly as eroticism that includes sex but other things too
- (6) Relational trauma: attachment disorders

NowGuarded posted 5/8/2018 09:49 AM

but the wrong therapist can hurt.

Yes!

I listened to both episodes. She gets it. I wish I knew therapists like this in Texas - just anywhere in Texas. I'd travel the distance for them even almost 2 1/2 years out.

burninghouse posted 5/8/2018 10:18 AM

shellofme, Thank you so much for posting these! And giving this a bump! I would have missed these for sure without that bump.

I wholeheartedly agree these need to be in the Healing Library!

This woman is spot on with what the BS goes through. I felt validated and seen! This is so helpful right now, and I could have really used this at the very beginning. SI is the ONLY validation I have found, the only place that helped me to make some sense of what I've been going through. Even with the support from a few good friends, family and my IC, nobody really understood. That feels very isolating.

When a BS is not validated I believe it complicates the healing process. Betrayal made me feel like every aspect of my life had been destroyed in a flash, and yes the safety I felt in my life and with my spouse was destroyed along with everything else. The person I would normally turn to in a crisis is the very one who "burned down the house" and then ran away! For me this was terrifying and shook me to my very core. I felt like I was going crazy and seriously began to question myself.

Looking at this through the lens of trauma makes so much sense. This moves the BS away from the disease model and into more of a healing model. It validates the BS and essentially tells them "nothing is wrong with you: this is a NORMAL reaction you are experiencing. This is a traumatic event, and your reaction is indicative of severe trauma that touches every aspect of your being" and then it moves into how to help the BS (and WS) heal this trauma.

Thank you again! I'm saving these and will have another listen today. I hope there will be more interviews with Marnie Breeker. She is much needed!

Lazarus posted 5/8/2018 11:47 AM

First part was spot on.

Will hopefully get around to second part later today

DogsnBooks posted 5/8/2018 11:50 AM

I have another podcast recommendation to add:

Healing Broken Trust Podcast with Brad & Morgan Robinson.

Seriously, it’s so good. It is recommended to listen to the episodes in order rather than jumping around. They do talk about God in the podcast though, so fair warning to those who aren’t religious (but they thankfully aren’t of the “just pray and it will go away” breed and actually acknowledge the pain/trauma and the work that needs done. I think even those who aren’t religious can get a LOT from this podcast.).

(I also recommended The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr Lisa on here earlier).

[This message edited by DogsnBooks at 11:56 AM, May 8th (Tuesday)]

NowGuarded posted 5/8/2018 12:32 PM

I have another podcast recommendation to add:
Healing Broken Trust Podcast with Brad & Morgan Robinson.

Seriously, it’s so good. It is recommended to listen to the episodes in order rather than jumping around. They do talk about God in the podcast though, so fair warning to those who aren’t religious (but they thankfully aren’t of the “just pray and it will go away” breed and actually acknowledge the pain/trauma and the work that needs done. I think even those who aren’t religious can get a LOT from this podcast.).

(I also recommended The Love, Happiness & Success Podcast with Dr Lisa on here earlier).

DnB, thanks for putting something else on our radar. I plan to link to it.
So glad to add to much needed collection of resources from this one thread.

shellofme posted 5/10/2018 10:09 AM

I'm so glad this is reaching new people. I hope it's helpful. I don't have any connection to these people. I came across the podcast when searching for podcasts on betrayal, and I was so relieved and validated to finally hear a therapist that gets it, so I thought it might help others. My FWH found it helpful also.

concordiaburner: That's great for people to read. For those inclined to click to the website for the podcast, there's info from the podcast typed there that's really helpful to read, in addition to listening. Here are the links again for part 1, and part 2:

http://theaddictedmind.com/episode-21-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker/

http://theaddictedmind.com/episode-22-relational-betrayal-trauma-marnie-breecker-part-2/

The second one lists the 6 dimensions of Relational and Betrayal Trauma as well as the steps in the process of partner healing.

I want to add again, for those that might not have read this thread from the beginning, that these links were MOD APPROVED. Which means I reached out to an SI mod and sent the links, so they could be reviewed for approval to be posted on SI, and then you need to state that you got MOD approval.

DogsnBooks: I also listened to the other podcast you recommend, and I do think there were some parts that were worth listening to, but because they advertise for stuff that costs money (pay us to be your therapist type of ads), I don't think it would get approved, but you can ask a MOD.

I could use more resources to read and listen to, if people have recommendations, but I learned you have to go through the MOD approval process.

NowGuarded: I think that Dr. (someone else listed earlier in this thread) has an office in Texas, if you liked her. . . Since my FWH and I haven't had success locally (and by local I mean up to a 60 min each way drive), I was wondering about phone sessions with someone.

burninghouse and Lazarus: Isn't it great to finally be validated by a professional that gets what a BS goes through!?! I hope more people closer to DDay can be helped by this podcast. That's what prompted me to continue the thread with a bump.

burninghouse:

When a BS is not validated I believe it complicates the healing process. Betrayal made me feel like every aspect of my life had been destroyed in a flash, and yes the safety I felt in my life and with my spouse was destroyed along with everything else. The person I would normally turn to in a crisis is the very one who "burned down the house" and then ran away! For me this was terrifying and shook me to my very core. I felt like I was going crazy and seriously began to question myself.
YES, I agree it complicates the healing process, and in my experience it delayed the healing process to go to ICs and MCs that didn't get it. My FWH and I felt like we were schooling them, instead of them supporting me, and teaching my FWH how to help me, especially during the early stages. We also spent a ton of money on unhelpful therapy.

shellofme posted 8/13/2018 11:06 AM

Just checking in on SI after a long spell of not checking in. I want to give this thread a bump again, because I truly believe this podcast (of a therapist who gets what a BS goes through) can help other BS and WS.

WS need to get what a BS needs if they want to R together, and the BS needs to be clear about what has happened to them, and why they need what they need (which sometimes feels CRAZY).

I hope bumping this thread helps at least one person.


Frankiesbeads posted 8/13/2018 17:50 PM

OMG

That summed up what I have been trying to explain to WH.

Even mysef, it helped articulate everything.

Thank you. Ill be having WH listen to them.

shellofme posted 8/15/2018 16:31 PM

Frankiesbeads: I'm so glad this helped you! I've gone back and listened to both a few times, and I always hear something new, or something a little differently, that helps me. It helped me that my FWH listened too. Please let me know what your WH thinks, or if it helps you that he listened. At the very least, it's a great starting point for lots of conversation. It confirms what many of us knew, but it's so hard to describe what you are going through.

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