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I have a self-hatred problem. Need help.

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MrsSouthAfrica posted 2/5/2018 06:46 AM

I've been lurking for a while on this site, perhaps not too long. I'm SouthAfricanMan's W (STBXW). I cannot fathom why I blew my world apart. I don't know. I keep trying and trying to figure it out, but I always come up with the most petty reasons why I ruined my M. I'm losing H. No, I've already lost him. No matter what I do now, it really doesn't concern him anymore since he'll be leaving me soon.

I'm filled with so much rage directed at myself. I can barely look in the mirror without having the urge to throw up.

I had a five month A that started off as an EA last year. You can bash me all you like, I don't think it will matter to me as I pretty much bash myself every day. It was a PA and EA. H was obsessed about the PA part and didn't give a damn about the EA, which hurt - stupid, I know. H found out and confronted me. I tried to cover my ass and TT. To this day I wish that I could go back in the past and stop myself from ever TTing him or insulting him. It's killed us.

I'm trying to work on me and heal him, but it's hard.

I'll try to make my post more detailed soon, I just can't do it now. I feel like I deserve everything I'm getting. I wish so much that H will give me another chance. I have nightmares of him leaving me and I break down. H has been nothing but amazing, even through all of this. I cry at his pain. I cry knowing I've tainted his image of love. I cry knowing I ruined his innocence. Sometimes I want to die, but my DD and H's support keep me alive. I will never forgive myself for this. Ever.

I wish someone would have told me of the utter hell I would unleash from having an A. I hate that I did it. I can't think of myself as anything other than a whore. It eats me up ever day a wake to the time I sleep. It's always on my mind, and him, and DD.

I had shown him this site and it had made his decision clear to D. I'm not blaming SI. In fact, I'm thankful. It's really been helping him.

I'm not sure, but I think H is willing to change D if I can continue to prove myself. I'm not sure because when I express my desire to help and heal him, my desire to do whatever it takes for R, he gives me very vague responses that confuse me and I'm afraid of escalating the issue.

What more can I do for him? I give him sex whenever he wants it to restore his manhood and because I still love him. I gave him a timeline of EVERY THING. He has access to all my devices. I'm going to IC. I let him know whenever I'm out at work or on a business trip.

I'm always available to talk - I make it my mission.
I don't talk to the AP. I hate him, but mostly hate myself for being such a weak person. I've stopped partying and drinking to completely dedicate my time to my family. I don't know what else I can do. He wants to trust me again. He said so, but he would never forgive himself if I cheated again. That's not going to happen ever again.

I want his gift of R. I will do anything for his gift. Please, I'm the desperate loser whose willing to shame myself if it means we have a chance. Please help me. He is everything to me

oldtruck posted 2/5/2018 07:04 AM

Is the OM a co-worker?

Did you cheat while on business trips?

harrybrown posted 2/5/2018 07:22 AM

Was the OM married? when was your last contact?

With your H's being in on the actions, has the OM's SO been informed?

If not, help get her in the on all that happened.

Your H had his world turned upside down? Any way to turn the ON's world upside down and spinning?

Make sure you do not protect the OM.

Does your H know that he is your plan A, not plan B? That relations with your H are so much better than with the OM?

Sounds like you are trying. Hope it is not too late, but it might be. Find a way to let him know that you have better boundaries. He will worry that this will happen again.

ff4152 posted 2/5/2018 07:41 AM


No bashing here. I have read countless times that actions are what counts, not words. Continue through your actions to improve yourself and help your husband heal REGARDLESS OF WHETHER YOU R OR D.

I also will caution you on allowing the pain to overwhelm you. It can be so consuming that you become stuck and allow yourself to wallow in the horror of it all.

I wish I had for sage advice for you. I wish you both eventual peace and healing from this awful thing.

jinkazama posted 2/5/2018 07:51 AM

I had shown him this site and it had made his decision clear to D.

Well i think he have read years long reconciliation stories
They are very painful

GoldenR posted 2/5/2018 08:28 AM

I've followed your story...

I'll lay down some facts, and they're not all bad, but I'll start with:

Any A is horrible, but you did things that make it even harder for a BH to reconcile, such as:

-doing things with the OM that you would not do with your H

- wanting your H to comfort you as you mourned the OM dumping you after your H exposed to his W

- telling your H that the OM was a better man than he is, bigger "down there" and better in bed.

Any of those 3 things alone are enough to make some men D, bc you see, if you destroy us guy's egos, we have a hard time getting over that. And that's what you're up against.

However, you've since had your wake up call and now you're pretty much doing everything a WW should do to help R. For example:

- never getting defensive when he lashes out at you

- acknowledging that you need IC

- offering NSA sex whenever your BH wants it,to now include the previous off limits acts

- acknowledging that none of what's happened is his fault, and continually apologizing to your H

- admitting that none of those awful things that you said were true, that your were simply lashing out while not in your right mind.

- simply "being there" for your H 24-7,no matter how tired you are

Is the D still on hold?

All I can advise you is to keep doing exactly what you're doing now. I know it's exhausting and mentally taxing, but you're actually doing really well, so keep on keeping on. It ain't over till it's over

redhorse posted 2/5/2018 08:43 AM

H was obsessed about the PA part and didn't give a damn about the EA
^^^well that prob is the majority of BHs -but it only matters how your BH feels.

For me, I feel that way too. I guess I have never put much stock in feelings, as they come and go. I also have lots of friends that I care about, so sexual activity would be the clearest boundary for me.

I am sorry that you are hurting so much.

Root posted 2/5/2018 09:20 AM

I've read all the threads. For once the stories match which rarely happens and I've been here for 3 years. Usually the cheater sugarcoats their story but you didn't and for that I am impressed. I'm also impressed that you are telling the truth now no matter how brutal and damaging it is to your husband. That is commendable. You're living with integrity. No bashing here either because I think you are doing everything you can.

Check out the book The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel. It's about how to stop being abused yes but it's also about how to stop abusing. It's a great book because she doesn't paint people like us as sociopathic monsters but she won't let us off the hook either. It will help you dig into the narcissistic belief that consequences didn't apply to you as evidenced by the part where it took your husband serving you with divorce papers before you even remotely woke up. You need this book because if you don't fix the core narcissistic beliefs and behaviors your husband will never be safe.

LivingWithPain posted 2/5/2018 13:23 PM

MrsSouthAfrica have you asked your BH if he would be willing to let you date him after the be his girlfriend instead of a wife?

Jorge posted 2/5/2018 14:23 PM

I greatly respect the fact that you're here and have opened your soul for others to judge. If you've been on here for a while, I'm sure you understand the importance of WS finding out the why's. In your post above, I find no indication that you've taken steps to identify a professional to help you with this. You will need this to convey to your husband as it will at least be something new that you haven't told him to this point, which isn't much since you do not have answers yourself.

3)Admission of AP being better in bed
4)Would still be going on if discovery hadn't happened.

Number three will be a nearly insurmountable obstacle for him to defeat. Even if you don't believe it now, he may not believe you and nor would I to be honest. The affair was a stab in the back. By telling your husband the AP's sexual performance was better, literally twists the knife, removes it from his back and then stab him once again for good measure. It's the destroyer of all things destroyed with devastation depths to very far reaches.

My point in bringing this up is to get you to understand is I'm not sure there's anything you can do or say o soften it's impact and any recovery from this will come strictly on his own in my opinion. Should you begin to retract it and then explain it away clinically, he'll still never know the whether it was true or not, hence he'll probably assume it was. What I'm saying is he may have to reconcile this (inferior sexual performance) for himself before he can reconcile with you.

Through you admission that it would have continued had discovery not happened is another sub-conscience hurdle he'll have to come to grips, as it's possible it'd still be going on today as we speak. As a man and a once betrayed fiance', my read on this is my wife was so "owned" by her boyfriend that there wasn't even a hint of possibility of her ending it and in time she would have begun executing her transition from me to him. Only my intervention kept this from happening.

Again, this is one of those speculation situations, however facts leading up to it doesn't make the conclusion far fetched. Being that it never got that far, there's no evidence that will ever satisfactorily assure him this would not have taken place. Only your words can try to do this, but the trustworthiness factor can't reassure him in anyway since you were successful at deceiving him for 5-6 months.

Bottom line, you're at his mercy. The grace of God can deliver him to you however. Should he have a spiritual awakening, it can happen for sure. My pastor always say's to forgive and have compassion for the diseased individual as they know no better. I'm sure what I just wrote may be painful for you to revisit, but my goal is to help you reconcile with him, not to remind you how terrible you are. By the way, you can't be but so terrible if you're here opening your soul and seeking to regain the heart of a person you love. You just did a bad thing. Try to take credit for looking inside of yourself, as it's one of the toughest things to do in the world.

assjack posted 2/5/2018 14:37 PM

I am just about to finish a book called Worthy of Her Trust. It may help you as it has helped me.

MrsWalloped posted 2/5/2018 14:53 PM


I also had an EA that became a PA. Mine also lasted 5 months. And mine also would have probably continued had my husband not caught me. However, while D was always on the table, he decided to give me the gift of R and weíve been working at it for over 2 years.

One of the hardest parts of being a WS is not looking at yourself as a piece of garbage, a whore, or any other adjective. I was called many things by my BH after DDay, but I was harder on myself than he ever was on me. But Iím telling you that it doesnít help. Itís not productive. It doesnít help you become a better person and it doesnít help your BH heal. I know itís hard. But itís not healthy and itís also not true. ((Hugs))

I want his gift of R. I will do anything for his gift. Please, I'm the desperate loser whose willing to shame myself if it means we have a chance.

This isnít the right way to think about yourself and what you need to do, IMO. Be a better person for yourself, not because it might lead to R. Your BH might divorce you. Even if you do everything you can, he might choose that. Itís just one of the prices we have to pay for our choice to betray our husbands. But you should work on yourself for you, for your DD, and for him. But not with any kind of result about D in mind. Because if he said he wasnít going to divorce you, would you stop working? No. Your work should happen no matter what he does.

Donít give up hope. Keep working and showing him you love him. Keep being honest. Dig deep inside yourself. Maybe he will and maybe he wonít. You canít control that. Focus on what you can control, you.


xhz700 posted 2/5/2018 16:18 PM

Please help me. He is everything to me

No. YOU are everything to you.

I have said something similar to this before... You are looking at this like a divorce would be a tragedy. The tragedy has already happened. You aren't asking him to stop you from falling, you are asking him to come down to where you've fallen to and stay with you while you work your way back up. It's a big ask, especially when he's lost so much respect for you.

You shouldn't be here asking about how to save your marriage, you should be asking how to save yourself. Only by saving yourself can you give your BH any hope that you will become a safe partner. It's his choice whether he wants to stick around and wait for that to happen.

Focus on being compliant and humble. If he wants a divorce, by all means tell him that's not what you want, but give him what he wants anyway. You spent several months not only putting yourself first, but not regarding him at all.

What more can I do for him?

Aside from working on yourself and giving him what he asks for, there is nothing that you can do. You can't erase an affair with sex, or future transparency unfortunately. He needs time to heal just as you need time to fix yourself.

He's going to make his decision based on what's best for him. If you love him, support and trust in his ability to make the right decision for himself.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by xhz700 at 4:22 PM, February 5th (Monday)]

xhz700 posted 2/5/2018 16:30 PM

I hate him, but mostly hate myself for being such a weak person.

Your goal is to be neither of these. You should want to feel NOTHING for your AP. You hopefully will feel compassion for yourself.

I am sure it seems redundant, but your focus needs to be on the present, not the past or future. The past is full of pain and things you can't change, and the future is full of things that you can't control.

You need to summon all of the energy that you put into your affair and focus that on your work times a million. Stop beating yourself up. You aren't a kicked dog. Own your bad decisions and be better. Have compassion for yourself, find authenticity.

nicenomore posted 2/5/2018 20:32 PM

Mrs SA-

GoldenR has good insight here, I suggest you take it to heart. I have learned something here. All BS whether male or female, feel robbed when an AP is treated better than they were. Itís damagong to the ego and self esteem. And I can only speak a man, but so you know, learning that my wife did more with an AP sexually would be very difficult to recover from. I suggest you indulge in hi sexual desires and do more with him sexually than AP got, it he wants itís a start.

Second, another blow to his male ego, and trust me, they are fragile, is learning you though the OM was bigger and better. Ouch. It may or may not be true but itís how you felt at the time and has left him feeling the consolation prize. You need to prove t him every day that he is better than the OM, but sadly you canít take away you H knowing the OM was better endowed, and you canít really fix that... unless you were to cut the OM down to size... literally.

My point is , certain facts are damaging and irreversible. And the victim is your BH self esteem and self worth. You can undo many of the wrongs, but you can stone and try to prove otherwise for the rest of your life, should he allow it.

What I can offer you, is that you need to show selflessness and desire to please your H. I do hope you find the help you need

MrsSouthAfrica posted 3/25/2018 14:21 PM

I just wanted to say that I've read all your responses repeatedly, actually every time I screw up with my H I come here to remind myself of what he must be feeling to gain some perspective and empathy. I thank you all so much. Words cannot describe the shame, guilt and devastation I feel when I think about how we got here.

I can't give a grand update now as I'm very busy.

To Golden R, D is currently on hold now. H has given me bread crumbs to the possibility of R, and I'm doing whatever it takes to make that possible.

I'm okay with H leaving me. I finally understand that whether I stay with H or not, I still need to change for the better. Don't get me wrong, I'm still pretty desperate to save us, but I understand if I can't.

There's a lot we've gone through and I will tell all as soon as I can. All I can say now that things are slowly looking up for the both of us. It's still very early, but I'm determined to make things right. To fight for him. To make it up to him for as long as he will let me.

[This message edited by MrsSouthAfrica at 2:33 PM, March 25th (Sunday)]

ASoCalledLife posted 3/25/2018 14:42 PM

You take those bread crumbs and you mold them into toast. Or a muffin. Or whatever you can make. Or better yet, use them as a potential path back to your marriage if possible - and if not, a path to a better way of engaging with one anotas co-parents if the marriage fails.

I like what youíve written. Heís given you a chance; now itís time to FIGHT LIKE HELL!!!!!!!! You cannot control what happens, as you stated, but you can show him that youíre willing to do ANYTHING to let him know you are changing and that you will be a safe partner.

My husband made me leave home. I struggled tremendously, but with God as my strength I hung on and fought for us. I made mistakes, but I tried my best to show him if he was willing to R he would never regret it. I had to be all in. Even when he didnít seem to be.

Today, I am back home. He will not be filing for divorce. We are working it out one day at a time. I am so grateful to him for this chance.

Fight the good fight, Mrs. South Africa. Your husband is worth it; your daughter is worth it. You are worth it.

A BS (her name is Hellfire) told me one day when I was discouraged, ďKeep doing the work. Show him youíre R material.Ē Another BS (Iwantmyglasses) told me that when she was giving up, her husband fought even harder. Another (kaygem) stated that her husband daily lays his shame before the cross and asks God for guidance. I donít know if you are a spiritual person or not, but even if you donít pray, maybe consider daily positive affirmations. Another BS (Cephastion) has shown me how Scripture, music and cinema can be used as tools in oneís healing.

I am passing that advice along to you. Maybe some of it will help you. I am rooting for your family.

steadychevy posted 3/25/2018 16:27 PM

Your BH may give out vague response, MrsSouthAfrica, because he may not know. He also may not want to make a commitment that he will have to break. Another possibility, which comes from my experience, is that he may not want to give the "recipe" for you to follow. He may want you to take the initiative, be proactive. He may be watching your actions that are coming from you and watching for resentment, blameshifting, defensiveness or minimizing. He may be looking for openness and transparency. He may be protecting himself. I base these comments on my own experience.

I wanted my WW to prove to me that the only reasonable option for me was to attempt R. She didn't. She also told me on several occasions she didn't love me followed by she didn't know if she did or didn't. That means to me she didn't.

The good thing for you is that D is on hold. It isn't off the table but on hold. Why would he do that? He wants to see if he can R. He wants to R or at least try.

The ball is in your court. Use the time wisely and fruitfully. I wish whatever is best for MrSouthAfrica first. If he determines that R is his best option then I pray that you and he are able to make that happen. No rugsweeping or minimizing though.

Jorge posted 3/25/2018 19:56 PM

There's a lot we've gone through and I will tell all as soon as I can. All I can say now that things are slowly looking up for the both of us. It's still very early, but I'm determined to make things right. To fight for him. To make it up to him for as long as he will let me.

This is FANTASTIC news. I was kind of holding my breath when I saw your name, as some time had passed and the last I recall is the marriage was hanging onto a thread. It may still be on a thread, but the thread is still there and so are you. Thank goodness and thank you for updating.

Zugzwang posted 3/25/2018 19:57 PM

I don't know what else I can do.

You do know what else to do. You need to start loving yourself so you are a safe person to be with. So you don't need others to validate you and make you happy. You need to learn how to make yourself happy in a healthy way. You need to learn how to forgive yourself by doing the hard stuff to earn it. It is okay to hate the person you were. You aren't that person anymore. Learn from her and move on to becoming someone you can be proud of. Someone your DD can be proud of. This isn't the end of the road. You hit your rock bottom. Now start going up. This is the beginning. A new beginning. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be careful with the lives of others. You can do this. People do this all the time. Look at many R waywards. Look at many BS. You need to become enough for yourself. Period.

offering NSA sex whenever your BH wants it,to now include the previous off limits acts
I disagree with this and always have. If you are not comfortable with this, then don't. You are supposed to become a better person and if giving sex on demand or doing acts that makes you feel uncomfortable makes you feel used and like a whore that you stated, then please don't. If he loves you, he will not want you to feel used. A person who loves someone doesn't make them prove their love to the point of destroying them. Him making you do things you aren't comfortable with is just filling up his own current issues likely brought on by the affair and he can deal with that in IC. IMO this type of stuff isn't healthy and will just build further resentment if you aren't okay with filling that role.
never getting defensive when he lashes out at you
As long as he isn't beating you.

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