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How to deal with child out of the affair

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TripleQ posted 3/7/2018 19:24 PM

My husband had an affair and the mistress fell pregnant. Two months later I too fell pregnant. Hubby and I have reconciled and we are working hard on our relationship. I know he has a lot of remorse and regret. The thing is I want NOTHING to do with that child, I cant get over the fact it was conceived in my marriage. He wants to build a relationship with the child and I told him if he wants that then I am going to divorce him. The child is innocent to the world, but to me the child represents my tears, my pain, deceipt, manipulation and every negative possible emotion.

northeasternarea posted 3/7/2018 19:35 PM

Looks like he has a hard choice to make. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.

Reese1 posted 3/7/2018 19:55 PM

Iím sorry your going through this. Even if he chooses to be a completely disgusting sorry excuse for a human being by having nothing to do with his child he will mostly likely have to pay child support so thereís really no way for this child to not effect you in some way if you remain married. Are you in ic?

TripleQ posted 3/7/2018 20:01 PM

She has filed for support at court so im dealing with that too. And every time she comes with the child. She is so very proud of the child and all I feel is pain. I cant look at it cos I want to scream. I made him go for paternity tests results will be available in 4 weeks. Then I want to appoint a lawyer because this woman makes me sick. My husband and I are much closer than before but I cant deal with the fact that theres a child... I dont want to accept it either. I dont know all the abbreviations used in this forum. What is IC?

smokenfire posted 3/7/2018 20:31 PM

This could be a deal breaker for you and he he could in response opt to parent both his children. If so, there's something to be said for that rather then walking away.

IC is individual counseling. I would definitely recommend you do that. You need support, emotional and mental and someone with a clear mind who is not involved to help you sort it all out.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. If you must be, this is a great place to be. There's a healing library in the upper left hand corner and there is a thread for those with children behind an affair in the I can relate forum. I believe it's called "For those dealing with an OC"

LostWillow posted 3/8/2018 03:10 AM

Whats appalling in your situation is that it appears OW brings OC for visits. Even if you eventually accept this child into your life, OW should never ever be on the picture. YOu and your H must be NO CONTACT for life with OW. Find an intermediary to arrange visits and discuss OC.

Your WH will have to choose your marriage or the child. It will ruin your M if there's continued contact.

Thats always the ideal, he will pay child support but has no contact with the child. The child has better chances that way to. Let OW marry and find a father for OC.

OC in your life and in your M will only create confusion to OC and your children.

shiloe posted 3/8/2018 04:02 AM

I am sorry. I can understand the way you feel.

Just another perspective. Can you find a way to love this little person.

I have read enough on infidelity to know that OW with OC hate when the BW gets to be around their OC.

They fear being replaced as the mother. Just as BS fear them around their WH. They fear the OC growing up see BS and WH as the stable, loving family for them.

If you show love and acceptance to OC, it will show her you are a classy, beautiful person. And it will kill her inside

That doesn't mean she get to bring the child for visits. It gets set up where that don't happen. She is pushed out of the visitation process. Your WH would need to go as much NC with OW as possible. That would show her too.

Let her worry you will challenge her role as the childs mother and role model Let her worry, see how it feels. She will feel a sting if the child bonds with you.

Unless she is an unfeeling POS, who just wants the $. OW can feel being replaced.

It would be a hard road to follow and would take much thought, but could be a win, win for you and WH.

Just my thoughts. Like I said, I don't know if I could do it. Would be incredibly difficult, always making your trigger maybe.

Just think about it.

shiloe posted 3/8/2018 04:03 AM

dup post

[This message edited by shiloe at 4:05 AM, March 8th (Thursday)]

TripleQ posted 3/8/2018 08:11 AM

The saddest thing for me right now is seeing how proud this woman is that she has a child from a married man. My life is falling apart because everytime i think i am pushing thru i get smacked right down. He has never visited the child, she keeps bringing the child to court and plays the victim... really how does she become the victim when she tried to destroy my family. when she found out he was trying to work things out with his me she calculated her ovulation and tricked him there... cos she told him she cant have kids because she had cancer. he was so dumb and naive and believed everything she told him. then wen she saw he was visitin me more she begged him for a child and then one day i got a dream and in it i was told she is pregnant, i confronted him and he laughed a few weeks later my dream was confirmed. one night he came to visit me and i read all his whats app messages and there i saw she was pregnant... 8 days later i found out i was pregnant too... I have never felt so lost...

i feel i want to heal... then i want my marriage to heal because he was selfish to leave me and have an affair. she was selfish devious and manipulated the situation for a kid... NOW i must cough up money for a child that is not even a part of my marriage, how could they be so selfish... why must i face his deception for the rest of my life, why must i be reminded of his infidelity for the rest of my life... and my kids what about them...

I am a reborn christian but and i should be able to forgive and move forward... but i cant... im so hurt... im so hurt... it consumes my sleep, my life, my work... and all i want is to be normal... I Love my husband more than words can say and I want to delete 2016 and 3 months of 2017. I hate I really hate what he put me thru...

i gave up my entire family for him because my mom and family said its hubby or them and chose my marriage... and today i am all alone with my kids I have no support...

My hubby on the other hand has his entire family his mother encouraged the affair... HOW COULD SHE DO THAT!!! his mother encouraged the woman to move in with him in his mothers home... HOW and WHY??? I find it hard to forget what they did...

and sadly my hubby asked me if we can move closer to his family and i did... for the past 3 months im living here now... and im so bitter... so sad... so heartbroken..

PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE... i really dont want to leave my husband but if he wants contact with that kid I dont think i will survive it... I faced to many challenges and heart ache because of him... I dont want that in my life too...

Ephimera posted 3/8/2018 15:42 PM

... i really dont want to leave my husband but if he wants contact with that kid I dont think i will survive it...

TripleQ, please don't let any one make you feel guilty about not accepting this child. While the child may be innocent, he is not your concern.

Some people can accept a child born of an affair, others can't. If you can't, then the best option for you and your family is absolutely no contact with OW or her child. All child support paid through a third party, all communication managed through a third party.

If your WS wants contact with this child and you don't, but give in because everyone tells you that the child is innocent, you could resent this for the rest of your life.

prissy4lyfe posted 3/8/2018 15:50 PM

Your husband is not a victim here. He was not "fooled" into getting pregnant. He KNOWS how babies are made. He knew he was trying to work things out in his marriage....and he kept sleeping with her....without protection.

Hold him accountable for his choices. If you don't do that then you will find yourself accepting things YOU don't want because he will never have "any" control over any situation. Someone else will ALWAYS be responsible...including you.

You will be reason he can't have a relationship with his son...because you said he couldn't stay married if he chose to have a relationship with OC.

You will be reason that he has to pay child support...because you wouldnt let him build a relationship with OC and keep OW happy.

You will be the reason he and OW fight over OC all time...because you wont allow visitation .

He is accountable for his not let him wiggle out of the responsibility.

Phoenix1 posted 3/8/2018 16:07 PM

Welcome Triple. I'm sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Please spend some time reading in the Healing Library (upper left) as well as visit the ICR (I Can Relate) forum where there is a thread focusing specifically on OCs (Other Child, produced from an affair). The abbreviations commonly used here can be found in the Healing Library as well so the advice is not so confusing.

As you can see by my own signature line below, my XWH (Ex Wayward Husband) produced OCs as well. Two that I definitely know of. While my M (marriage) did not survive the infidelity, I know I could never have had either of the OCs in my life if it had survived. The first OC was born one month after my youngest child was born (though I did't find out until 15 years later). So yeah, the OW (Other Woman) and I were preggers at the same time. Sickening thought.

At this point, you need to decide what you actually can/cannot live with in terms of the OC's presence in your lives. Those hard boundaries must be conveyed to your WH (Wayward Husband) and either he will agree to it, or he won't. If he doesn't, don't soften your own boundaries to "make it work." If you don't live true to your own convictions, it will only breed resentment over time and make you miserable.

There is no right or wrong in this, and it is very individualized. Do what is right for YOU, and don't let anyone guilt you into accepting the OC in your life if you know you cannot. That will create a breeding ground for that resentment I mentioned above.

Keep posting. We get it, and we are here for you.

crazyblindsided posted 3/8/2018 16:34 PM

I would make the same choice you are. I would have nothing to do with the child. That is the most humiliating thing that can happen to a M is to have a child from a mistress come into it!

Oftencheatedon posted 3/8/2018 16:59 PM

He has to provide CS - not you.

You have every right to ban the child from your life. Donít let anyone tell you have to accept the unacceptable.

kaygem posted 3/8/2018 17:35 PM

I would never, ever have anything to do with an OC. And if my H did...well that would be a deal breaker!

You DO what YOU need to do to heal! Don't let anyone, ever, make you feel guilty about that.

What you are going through is Trauma on top of trauma! I would move far, far away if I wanted to R with my H. This isn't the childs fault but the stupid mother's (and WH!). But sadly, he has to pay the price.

The1stWife posted 3/8/2018 19:05 PM

You need a counselor for you. To help you accept this child as part of his life.

And then make your decisions accordingly. It may just be a deal breaker for you. Your call. Your choice.

But DNA and paternity needs to be established. And once it is you need a lawyer. So that there is an ironclad child support arrangement. He will pay $X dollars and no more.

Health care needs to be determined. Who pays and who covers.

The other woman is now a single mom and the courts take that into consideration unfortunately. But that does not men your H has to integrate the child in your life.

You never have to see the child. Never have to participate the child in your life. But I do suggest you & H need to discuss when and what you will tell your own child. That needs to be discussed with a professional as well.

Violetdreams posted 3/10/2018 01:23 AM

I think you are doing the right thing if you don't have it in your heart to care for the child. Your husband knew the risk of having a child in his actions. Think about the child's life for a moment. A child that deserves unconditional love from a mother and father...instead despised. An innocent life. If you cannot give that and he wants to be a father, you should not be around the child. As for the OW being proud of her child...well I am sorry, but that is exactly what she is supposed to do, regardless of these circumstances. She is happy and proud of her child regardless of what anyone else thinks..because that is what the child deserves in life - not to be punished for her deadbeat father.

northeasternarea posted 3/10/2018 08:00 AM

Your WH is NOT a victim here. He put you on this situation. He moved you close to his mother, the one who supported his sin. Is your WH also a born again Christian? Pray, and get counseling for youself.

Can you count on your family for help if you divorce?

deephurt posted 3/10/2018 09:30 AM

I wouldn't be able to have anything to do with an OC. I asked WH what he would have done if she got pregnant....his answer? I don't know, I didn't think about it.

I am pretty sure it would be the end of our M. To me it would be a daily reminder of the A. As much as i would like to say that I would be big enough to find some love for a child that was my WH's, I wouldn't be able to. It would be a constant reminder of what he did. It would be a daily kick in the gut.

I would have to D because I also believe that my WH should be a responsible parent as well. Its a no win situation IMHO.

You have every right to feel as you do. I just don't see an easy answer for you.

honesttoafault posted 3/10/2018 09:59 AM

stbxWH has 3 OC's from the OW. I know how hard this is.

1. He needs proof of the paternity.
2. Contact a lawyer to see what the laws in your state are in regards to child support. Usually the first one to ask for it gets it. You may have to file too.
3. I understand that YOU do not want to have anything to do with the OC. I did not want anything to do with them either, but WH told our sons and insisted they meet. ( I found out years later) It tears your heart apart.

Only you can decide if this is a dealbreaker or not.

Your WH will probably have to pay CS if the courts order it.

Whether or not your WH will not see the child at all is something that you both need to discuss and decide on. It is possible that he can see the OC without you, but a united front in everything you do is best for your M. I completely understand that you do not want anything to do with this child. I did not want anything to do with the OC's either, but as time went on and circumstances changed, my choices were limited. I finally had to come to terms with the fact that the OC's were innocent victims of WH's selfish behavior. Although I wished them no harm, I did not want any contact either. Since I found out years later, and WH was always in their life, I couldn't say that he couldn't see them any longer.

No contact or minimal contact with OW. I say minimal because of CS, there may have to be some contact, or that could be handled by lawyers only.

This whole situation is horrible, I know. We wish it would all go away. But you have to deal with the reality, as hard as it is.

Only you can decide what is the dealbreaker. If your WH is truly remorseful and you feel you are in true R, that is another thing to consider. It is hard enough to R without an OC in the picture.

Check out the "I Can Relate" forum that has a thread about OC's.

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