"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MalibuBayBreeze posted 3/11/2018 00:07 AM

In the wee small hours of the morning of this date I sat in the same bed I am in now, and I was on the ipad I am on now. I had just become a member of SI that week and sat here reading a PM from a member who had offered to help me ID the AP. She got back to me with a first name and it was the missing dot I had needed to connect the ones I had.

For me, two years into this journey through hell, the moment of finding out her identity will remain the single most surreal, painful, head spinning, reality shattering, brutal confirmation of my long held suspicions. Suspecting and discovering had not prepared me for the moment I had her name. It made her real. It made my suspicions real. There was actually a person, a woman, ANOTHER WOMAN in my husband's life. Though I had everything pointing to that being the case, when that moment came it was still a shock. I stared at her name and her photo in disbelief. Given the late hour, I couldn't call anyone. Then I heard him in the kitchen and knew he was awake.

I went to him where by then he was smugly sitting on the couch and told him he was done. I had a name. His face dropped, and he now was in shock because he had been so sure I would never figure out who it was. To this day I wish I had a baseball bat in my hand when I approached him and had used it to destroy our wedding portrait that hung behind him. A portrait he would have to pass each time he left to call her or see her.

The 13th is my 2 year anniversary of DDay, the day he finally after 3 months of confrontation, confessed.

But the more painful date is the 10th. That was really the moment my world came crashing down.

I made it a point to see my friend today, and get out of the house. I didn't spend much time with him today. He has no clue what the day is, nor how profound it still is for me. I see no point in bringing it up. How would I anyway? "Oh hey, by the way, today is the second anniversary of finding out your married girlfriend's name. Epic shit huh?"

It brought a person into my life, one who had been there in a very big way for years without my knowledge. Someone was having a profound effect on my life and marriage and yet I was kept in the dark about her existence. It's incredible really when I think about it. The deeply personal level of invasion of my life for years by someone who was a stranger to me. Someone who has since elicited a venomous hate that I never knew I was capable of.

Two years have flown by. It doesn't feel like it, and time has done little to heal me. It's still raw and I'll never get used to no longer seeing him as my husband but just a guy I live with. I have to look at him that way as a defense mechanism for my broken heart. Everything was sucked into a void that night. Our relationship, marriage and history. Gone. Just like that.

Mind still completely blown.

Hurtbeyondtime posted 3/11/2018 00:52 AM

March 8 was my Dday 6 years ago. I have been suffering and so depressed because that was the beginning of the death of my marriage as I thought it was. The lies and the threats and fights that continued to hide the truth as it trickled for moths. I’m still devastated and so broken. I’m not coming out of this in one piece. I want to heal but just can’t allow myself to trust anyone. I still see things and feel that he’s not worthy of my love much less my trust.
I understand completely.. we will never be the same person. I’m a shell of that happy person that was so trusting. Never more.

stunnedandlost posted 3/11/2018 01:52 AM

(((MBB))) Your pain is palpable. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Infidelity has changed me. My WH Put a hole “the size of Texas”(his words) in my heart. I will never be the same.
You said the 2 yrs flew by. Isn’t that the truth? I feel like I skipped 2017. DDay was October 2016 so I was checked out for most of 2017.
All of this is fucked up. The pain you feel is real and you have every reason to feel the way you do. You were emotionally assaulted by learning that name. When I confirmed that WH had an AP, I literally pooped my pants. It was such a shock that I lost my bowels. I had not done that since I was a toddler in diapers! I tell everyone that knows that info that it was like I was killed and my body just lost control. It is embarrassing to admit but I say it here because so many of us had a visceral reaction to finding out our spouses betrayed us, that I know many will understand, even though it might not have happened to them.
Hang in there and do something nice for yourself today.

Jesusismyanchor posted 3/11/2018 08:17 AM

I have to look at him this way as a defense mechanism for my broken heart.

This is exactly how I feel right now. I’m so sorry for your pain.

March 10 was my birthday. It was painful. It has been a hard year is all I felt and I’m a year older. I feel old with him, not without him. Why? He cheated on me with younger women. He had a problem with getting older. I don’t. I look good for my age, I really do. I’m healthy and rocking it. But with him, I put up a wall. He felt like pain yesterday. I didn’t even tell him. What’s the point? He already did the damage. I did things for myself yesterday too.

I hope your day today is better. It sucks when they bring people into your life and they intrude when you had no choice. It feels to violating. It feels horrible to think they didn’t even care and you are still hurting. At least that is how I feel/

WhatsRight posted 3/11/2018 08:35 AM

(((((MBB)))))

I wish I had the words. I want to say that I hope you will shout her name from the top of your lungs 100 times, in order to take away her power over you. But that could make it worse, I guess.

I'm struggling, too, now, so I wouldn't trust anything I say.

Just know I am thinking of you. Be good to yourself.

We are here. We are alive. We will survive. And I hope someday...thrive.

🙏🙏🙏

NoMercy posted 3/11/2018 09:21 AM

It's still raw and I'll never get used to no longer seeing him as my husband but just a guy I live with. I have to look at him that way as a defense mechanism for my broken heart. Everything was sucked into a void that night. Our relationship, marriage and history. Gone. Just like that.

Why do you stay? Are you financially dependent on him?

SAM25nov2016 posted 3/11/2018 09:40 AM

Wow and yes to all of this. I totally empathize with all of you! And thank you for speaking your truth - it's sometimes hard to admit how hard this is...and that we aren't 'healing' as well as others. (I know it's not a contest but I want to heal - so I'm saddened by my progress)

The pain, truth and reality of it all is so heavy and often times appears to be unending. It's like I can fake it for a bit but when I actually stop and look at the reality of my situation I am fully gutted again.

As you can see from my username Nov 2016 was my WTF day. Although my first WTF day was Sept 12, 2016. That was the ILY but I'm not ILWY day.

I wish I had destroyed some stuff too on dday - I did throw our wedding photo and then tossed it in the trash. He for some reason eventually took it out trash and has kept it in storage - why??!! It means nothing.

I hear all of your pain - you are not alone

[This message edited by SAM25nov2016 at 9:43 AM, March 11th (Sunday)]

hopefull77 posted 3/11/2018 09:43 AM

Hugs MBB
We will never be the same person we were before and it's heart wrenching
I will never look at him the same way again...
I love my family ...I love that it's growing
Together we raised some very nice people
But there are times that I find myself looking at him and I wonder how well do we really know someone? I'm pretty much an open book...I tell him everything ...from unloading about work to the deal I got at Target...I would never have been able to pull off living a dual life ...I miss trusting him...I miss me...
I hope and pray for strength, peace and ACCEPTANCE of the unacceptable...

tl502 posted 3/11/2018 09:50 AM

MBB, March 25 was dd 2 for me (found that he was still emailing and talking on the phone with her.) It has been 5 years.

2 years was still remarkably difficult for me. I was still considering d and I also felt like you and was holding a large part of my heart in cold storage.

I started antidepressants about that time and it really helped me to start relaxing enough to start healing a little bit. My h was truly trying, but I don’t thing you can understand the hurt a BS goes through until you experience it.

I’m off th ADs now and I’m much more open to a relationship with my h. It’s still a struggle sometimes, I imagine that it always will, but I chose this path for a number of reasons that are still valid. Learning to accept the past is still my trial, but I’m moving in the right direction on this very slow moving train.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 3/11/2018 09:58 AM

NoMercy,
Yes, you know I am. I'm not posting this to get into a debate about how, when, why, or if I will, won't, can or can't leave him. That's not what this is about. This is an expression of pain that I'm feeling and sharing.

Jesusismyanchor,
March 10th is my brothers birthday also. It took me 2 days to realize I had completely forgotten it having been in shock and I then called and apologized while wishing him a belated happy birthday.

Happy belated birthday! You keep on rockin' lady! 🎉😘

Stunnedandlost,
My God! I can't imagine the level of shock you experienced. But when your heart and soul are ripped from you, the reaction is strong and physical.
I checked out in many ways these past two years. My goal is to start taking things back, little by little. It may seem silly and small but I made homemade cookies the other day for DS. Baking is something I love to do and for some reason post DDay have found it difficult to do. But I forced myself, and my reward? My DS saying how much he loves them and can't wait til I make more. ❤️I had checked out of everything, including being on him about school. I was numb and just didn't have it in me to fight over homework or go to parent teacher conferences. I dropped the ball big time with him and feel tremendous guilt about that. But I've picked up that ball and I'm running with it. Well, walking really fast LOL, but my stride will increase.

Whatsright,
Yes we are surviving and I do pray we wind up thriving. I believe things happen for a reason and hope this will propel us towards better days, happy times yet to be had, and good memories yet to be made. ((((Hugs))))

Hurtbeyondtime,
I don't think any of us emerge from this the same. This is a life changing event for all. Whether D, in R, limbo hell, we are not the same. I think some of those changes are for the better. I speak up when I used to shut up for instance. He'll never be able to wear that mask hiding who he really is from me ever again. I'll never trust again either, it's just part of the fallout. But as with any life event, even down to the small ones, we learn. We grow. Each and every time. Maybe what blossoms is a better, stronger, wiser, more aware version of ourselves. That, IMO, isn't a bad thing. It just sucks that we have to go through this to achieve that change.

Thissucks5678 posted 3/11/2018 11:14 AM

Hugs Malibu. DDays suck. All of this sucks. I just had a random trigger last night that caught me completely off guard. It’s all so painful.

I’m thinking about you and wishing for peace and more baking today.

northeasternarea posted 3/11/2018 13:03 PM

It doesn't feel like it, and time has done little to heal me.

MBB, this makes me so sad. I pray for peace for you. The hate you feel only harms you. (((Hugs)))

Want2BHappyAgain posted 3/11/2018 14:26 PM

My heart HURTS for you (((HUGS))).

March 10, 2014, was the day we arrived in the country where my H would eventually have his PA. It was a HAPPY day for me then...but it is bittersweet for me now.

You just have two more days sweet lady...then this wretched time will be OVER...and you won't have to face it for another year. Hopefully by then...you will have a BETTER life .

The PAST is written...it is DONE. But the FUTURE...it is what YOU make of it . YOU can make it the BEST ever!!! Think of what YOU want...then PLAN for it to happen...and WORK your plan .

YOU CAN DO THIS . Do NOT let the past define you Dear Lady...it isn't where you are NOW!!!

OwningItNow posted 3/11/2018 14:41 PM

He'll never be able to wear that mask hiding who he really is from me ever again.

I can't tell from your post, but was the cheating a bad thing that ruined your ability to tolerate his mask, or was it inadvertently a good thing that has allowed you to see his mask?

MalibuBayBreeze posted 3/11/2018 17:50 PM

Northeasternarea
When does the hate start to fade? I mean really, I can't ever see a day when it's completely gone, but when does the intensity start to lessen? Because inside I am seething.

northeasternarea posted 3/11/2018 21:28 PM

MBB, I can’t answer that, because I never had hate for the AP. My most negative feelings were for my WH. He was the one who invited her in.

I think you will feel better when you resolve the situation with your WH. I think your extreme anger comes from feeling that she had no consequences. And you can remedy that be notifying her husband.

[This message edited by northeasternarea at 6:45 AM, March 12th (Monday)]

MalibuBayBreeze posted 3/11/2018 22:56 PM

I can't tell from your post, but was the cheating a bad thing that ruined your ability to tolerate his mask, or was it inadvertently a good thing that has allowed you to see his mask?

Definitely the latter. It's given me more clarity when I think about who he is and what he's capable of. A constant gnawing reminder that keeps me from deluding myself.

OneInTheSame posted 3/12/2018 03:03 AM

((((MalibuBayBreeze))))

Aw-w-w friend . . . I hurt when you hurt. And I know the loathsome feeling that you will most likely never feel the same or see them the same, ever, again.

I know for me lately it has been seeing the layers and layers of betrayal every time a new insight and the timeline collide . . . and the fact that I am married to someone who may never understand.

Charlee posted 3/12/2018 04:39 AM

(((MBB)))

Norhteasternarea stated "I think your extreme anger comes from feeling that she had no consequences. And you can remedy that by notifying her husband."

Have you told OBS? This could be the next step in your path of healing.

Notthevictem posted 3/12/2018 06:08 AM

One day, mbb, that event will be a trial you've passed through.