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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 18

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number4 posted 4/30/2018 15:02 PM

I should have added, I did Survivor before I knew about H's sex addiction, but it wouldn't have really mattered anyway, because Survivor asks you to look at trauma from birth to age 17. If I want to go back and deal with trauma faced as an adult (i.e. H's sexual acting out), I'd have to do the Survivor II workshop, and frankly, after doing the other two workshops in the last year, I am in no hurry to do another. To say they are intense is an understatement.

Also, when I did Healing Intimate Treason, H had not self-identified as a sex addict at that point (I just knew about the affairs). I don't know that I would have gotten anything different out of it, as partners of workshop participants vary with identifying as sex addicts or not; the material is all very applicable either way.

Lionne posted 4/30/2018 15:13 PM

That guy is coming to do a workshop at a Friend's (Quaker) gathering at the end of May. South east Pennsylvania...

number4 posted 4/30/2018 20:41 PM

Grrrrrrr... can someone tell me how to send a private message to someone who hasn't sent one to me that I can then reply to? I tried to find instructions on the website, but can't.


marji posted 4/30/2018 21:22 PM

To send a PM click on the little face that's in the upper right hand corner of a post of the person you'd like to PM. Second item on the list that will appear on the right of that person's bio page is Send PM.

I think there is 50 post requirement to send a PM. Good luck.

number4 posted 4/30/2018 22:14 PM

Drats... I only have 35 (this will make 36); time to start breaking up some of my longer posts into shorter ones!

I suspect you have to have 50 posts to initiate PMing, but can respond to someone else's PMs if they initiate it to me, which has happened, without having 50 posts.

Lionne posted 5/1/2018 08:26 AM

Yep, that's right. 50 legitimate posts before you can initiate a PM unless you have a premium subscription.

You can always request a PM on that person's thread

number4 posted 5/1/2018 16:35 PM

Duh... I should have thought of that.

@Marji - would you please send me a PM, so I can respond? Thanks so much.

DogsnBooks posted 5/4/2018 06:20 AM

Can someone explain to me the SA Group options (SAA, SAnon, etc) and the differences between them?

Iíve tried looking them up but it seems like the websites all say the same thing, so I canít really tell how theyíre different. Which groups are more/less religious, more/less rigid, any other differences you can think of?

(I think I am going to tell WH that he needs to at least attend a few meetings and give it a try, diagnosis or not.)

[This message edited by DogsnBooks at 6:20 AM, May 4th (Friday)]

marji posted 5/4/2018 06:25 AM

Dogs SA is for those who are or possibly sex addicts. SANON is for relatives and or friends who have been affected by the behavior of sex addicts or possible sex addicts. There are other groups that the possible addict can attend and other groups for those affected. There are differences in approach but I suggest you and your H actually go to whatever meetings are available in your area and try them out. I am not religious at all but have found a group that follows the SA format very strictly and happens to have many religious members to be the one that I was most comfortable with. It's the people that make the group and not the written description.

Shocked123 posted 5/4/2018 07:53 AM

Do people go to meetings just to figure out if their behaviour is an addiction or do you have to know for sure?
At least 13 years of erotic massages, 2-3 times a month.
Sounds like it to me but he claims to have stopped and wont go again. Hmmmm.....

DogsnBooks posted 5/4/2018 07:58 AM

Marji - Oops, it is too early! I did know that SAnon is for family members *facepalm* The one that is most confusing to me is SA versus SAA. I believe SA is more rigid than SAA if I am understanding correctly?

SLAA sounds the most laid-back/progressive I think. And there are no SCA or SRA groups in our area.

Guess Iím just wondering about othersí experiences with the various groups.

Lionne posted 5/4/2018 08:07 AM

Not all alcoholics admit to addiction when they first attend. Sometimes it's a court mandate, or family mandate that they go. Some, thankfully, start the work. I believe SAs can and should self select regardless of official diagnosis. And there is nothing wrong with your imposing this as a condition of staying, for now, at least. I phrased it this way, "as long as you are working a program, I'll keep an open mind about reconciliation. Otherwise, I will not live with you while you aren't safe."
Marji is 100% correct. Each meeting has it's own flavor. On paper, SAA and SA are different in that SA defines sobriety as refraining from any sexual behavior, including with oneself, that is not with a committed partner, as recovery. SAA allows one to define their own boundaries. Masturbating is an issue that is problematic for me. I believe in it as an institution, but sex addicts use it as an unhealthy escape. However, the SAA meeting nearby is far stricter in many ways to the local SA meeting, including a dress code.
The SLAA meeting my h attended had many attendees who spoke in graphic detail about their slips. The RCA meeting we went to was run by a SA whose purpose was to show the courts he shouldn't go to jail.

All programs follow some sort of standard format, including the same readings each week, a opening by a leader, who is usually a volunteer and changes regularly,
The readings are repetitive, but have lots of truths. "Take what you need and leave the rest," is frequently expressed, take that VERY seriously.
Having the company of other women with similar experiences, and first hand knowledge of local therapists was very valuable to me. YRMV.

[This message edited by Lionne at 8:31 AM, May 4th (Friday)]

number4 posted 5/4/2018 09:33 AM

shocked 123 and DogsnBooks -

If, when you are looking at support groups for you (which is just as important as support groups for your spouse), you find there are none in your area, consider telemeetings (phone meetings). I was initially put off by them, but H urged me to try one (he does these types of meetings all the time at work) because I'd tried S-Anon meetings around me and felt very uncomfortable. There is only one RCA meeting in our entire very large metropolitan area and it is on a night I am unavailable due to another commitment, so I wanted to try COSA. However, there are also not ANY COSA meetings anywhere in my area, so I decided to try a phone meeting. It is working for me, and I appreciate their approach much better than the S-Anon meetings I tried around me. But it may be different where you live.

marji posted 5/4/2018 18:40 PM

Ditto to Number's reco. I don't know if a support group is essential for everyone but I know it helped me enormously and if I didn't have groups in my area I would definitely do as Number suggests. Even in the very first weeks of discovery I benefitted from speaking with others on the SANON hotline. SI is fantastic and I was fortunate to find SI very early on. It's a life saver. But it can also be very helpful to speak to others in person and if that's not possible speak on the phone or on FT.

demolishedinside posted 5/5/2018 14:37 PM

Hi, ladies. I am hoping youíll pop into the R forum and reply to trustís post. I hope she will come here, but just in case, I thought Iíd ask for you to pop over and support her. ❤️

marji posted 5/5/2018 17:47 PM

demolished That's so nice of you to care about another new member that way. I took your advice and posted a note. Thank you for suggesting that.

demolishedinside posted 5/5/2018 18:01 PM

I know how it feels to be so scared and so alone. She needs those who understand. I just get nervous when some post about SA when they donít know.

Thanks for posting to her, Marji. I hope she stops in here.

Lionne posted 5/5/2018 18:23 PM

I posted too, and PMed her. I agree, nervous for her. Too many people don't get it.

Thanks, DI!

demolishedinside posted 5/5/2018 18:42 PM

Thank you, Lionne. I hoped you would see it and Iím so glad BriarRose posted, too. I love you ladies. This is hard enough. No one should go through it alone.

Lavender0916 posted 5/6/2018 13:12 PM

Hi Ladies,
I am finally dusting off from all this mess and reached out to an old friend that I haven't seen in years because my STBXSAWH hated her, so it was easier to stay away. She wasn't that close and burnt bridges but I supported my H ( at the time)
Anyhoo, she started telling me how she is meeting all these fun guys through her GAMING APP! Turns out most are married. It's a perfect hiding place to hide txt with an AP. WTF!! Of course I was abruptly reminded how she has no shame and flirted with them(or sex). Telling me they are in a bad marriage. (Like we have not heard that before) I gave my 2 cents and left it. We are not that close, still. Lol
Way too triggering.

I could not believe what I was hearing.

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