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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 18

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Superesse posted 5/18/2018 23:27 PM

Lionne ROCK ON, BEST birthday wishes!!!

Lionne posted 5/19/2018 06:54 AM

Thanks guys! I took my own advice, mani-pedi and massage yesterday, hair and eyebrows today, a little shopping. My small family is coming tonight, my husband is cooking and I can't be here while he's doing that, he suddenly can't find anything, curses and yells, berating himself. So I'll disappear.

In the words of Lennon and McCartney

Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four?

ashestophoenix posted 5/19/2018 08:58 AM

Best birthday wishes, Lionne!

Smjsome1 posted 5/19/2018 09:12 AM

Happy Birthday! Have a great time with your family

number4 posted 5/19/2018 11:04 AM

Happy birthday Lionne! Hope the gathering was a celebration you deserve!

Lavender0916 posted 5/19/2018 11:43 AM

Do some of the other forums trigger you? A question to the masses.

I recently looked at the R forum because a title captured my eye. It was a BS very upset he did not get any BJ's from his WW, but the WW could do that and many other things with AP. To add to it, he was upset sex was plain vanilla missionary style and that was it. I mean the WW was no saint by any standards, had some major FOO issues. Many "men" replied dump her if you do not get what you need to heal.

True to that last sentence, but where does a BJ fit in to heal or anal sex for that matter? I was very much triggered by it. My STBXSAWH would say he wouldn't cheat if I didn't do A, B, or C. I was boring in bed. A "whiteboard"? was how he termed it? I started second guessing myself, do non sex addicts want all this stuff? Am I boring? what does any of this have to do with intimacy?
I was mad at myself for going there. Note to self, stay off of recovery. You never had it.

Anyhoo, in re: to my Xhole - would never be enough. I was in the "winning him over phase" with creativity and quantity and he still went to her. Never enough.

Divorce is moving forward. Have all the house folks here doing inspections and what not. Trying to get the property settled by June and him out by September!!

number4 posted 5/19/2018 13:03 PM

@Lavendar - From what I have been told by our MC and have read in many books, etc., when sex addicts do the kinds of things with their affair partners that they wouldn't do with their spouses, it's because of the nature of addiction... they need to escalate the behavior to get the same 'high', so yes, they will try or do things that they wouldn't have before.

I made it VERY, VERY clear that there was no way I would do some of the things I know H did with at least one affair partner, and he is perfectly fine with that. He realizes he only engaged in those behaviors because the taboo and riskiness of the acts fed the need for it to be more exciting. What they had been doing was no longer enough. He didn't have the emotional intimacy with any of those affair partners that he has had and now again has with me, so he doesn't need to escalate the sexual acts; in fact, he says it's so much better, even on the occasions where perhaps it is more just vanilla sex (not always, but sometimes it just is that way).

Part of my recovery has been to get some developmentally appropriate sex education that I never got from my parents, or any other adults. Sex isn't always about orgasms, much less orgasms by both parties at the same time, or even on the same night. There are nights we make love, although we're very tired, and neither one of us is going into it with the 'goal' of having orgasms, but we feel just as connected as we do on the nights when we both orgasm. NO ONE EVER TOLD ME THAT WAS A PART OF NORMAL SEX! It takes so much pressure off of both of us, especially given we are in our mid t late 50s, and NOT in our 20s and 30s!

Yea, I stay away from other forums. There's a lot of co-dependent people over there who are not interested in real recovery, whether they try to repair their relationships or choose to divorce. They likely will repeat their behavior with their next relationships if they don't go through recovery and healing.

Hope this helps.

[This message edited by number4 at 1:09 PM, May 19th (Saturday)]

MadOldBat posted 5/19/2018 13:17 PM

Then the shock...then more humiliation and it took a while for me to realize my level of disgust for my husband. And that is reasonable. And shame: shame about his behavior and thinking, shame about my marriage, shame about being with him. It's a tough loud to handle.

I experience humiliation.
My STBXWH repulses me.
However did I not see him for what he is?
A f#cking pervert.

maybe most of the humiliation, is how could we have chosen such a person to share a life with in the first place,
So, my perspective of this is partly about the nature of addiction. I truly believe that addiction of any type changes the brain in such a way that the "person" does things they wouldn't ordinarily do when they were in their "right" mind.

Whilst I crashed about in the sea of Hopium,

Sometimes - there's none so blind as those that won't see.
And.... I guess that was both of us.

I'm sad that my life-partner turns out to be an unredemptive weirdo.
(Or is it me? Did I give up too soon?)

I find myself caring less and less.

Am I the only one?


MadOldBat posted 5/19/2018 13:19 PM

Happy Birthday Lionne.
I hope that you have a fantastic day.
💕 MOB 💕

secondtime posted 5/19/2018 13:25 PM

I'm more sexually adventurous than my husband.

He's been getting high for 25 years now, the porn never escalated in terms of getting more hardcore/deviant. It did escalate in frequency.

Now, there are sex acts that do become off the table for both of us, for now, mostly oral sex. But, that's a consequence of my husband not being a safe partner for me. It happened after both DDays. He's said that he'd like to resume giving me oral, but that's a hard nope. He also drops the subject after stating his feelings. And he's never pressured me to give him oral sex.

I don't know how true it is that men need sex to feel loved. If it is particularly true for a man to feel that, way, it isn't fair to coerce his partner to get those acts. But, on the other end, I could see how it might be upsetting if a woman avoided meeting her husband's need at all costs, yet engaged in those behaviors while stepping out of the marriage.

If my need for feeling loved is for DH to give me gifts..and DH patently refuses to...but gives special gifts to the kids and to other family members. I would be hurt. And I would request that my husband try to meet my needs. If he again refused...even after I've explained the hurt it causes me...I would seriously assess our relationship.

Needs are needs. I don't think sexual needs are any more or less important than other needs.

secondtime posted 5/19/2018 13:26 PM

Happy Birthday Lionne!!!!!!

MadOldBat posted 5/19/2018 13:39 PM

Oral sex was OFF for me, the day H kissed me with the whore-de-jour's c*nt juices all over his face.

(This was years after finding a long, curly, blond hair under his foreskin mid me orally pleasuring him........ which was gaslit and rugswept)

There was no coming back from that for me.

I don't care if that is unreasonable.
I don't care
I dont care
I tell myself that I DON'T CARE.

secondtime posted 5/20/2018 10:47 AM

A little frustrated my husband seems not to "get it."

So the big wedding yesterday. Yay. He thinks I'm out of sorts because of the whole princess wedding thing.

I try to explain to him that it's not about the actual wedding ceremony, the dress, blah blah.

It's reconciling that my husband is willing to throw a way a marriage for his addiction. Of course he meets that with "That's not what I meant to do. That's not what I want. I was stupid, etc.

I'm like dude. That's what you chose. That's what you care capable of choosing. And it's what you may choose in the future.

No wife wants to be disposable or expendable. Especially at the hands of sex addiction.

And recovery is nice and all that. I think he's doing the real work this time. (Some of his middle circle behaviors are different than when he worked with a CSAT, and I think much more insightful). But I don't think that recovery is enough to overcome the chance of bad decision making for the rest of our lives.

I'm only 42. There's a lot of life left.

He will always be an addict..and there will be a part of him that will always want to make those poor decisions, at my expense.

Lavender0916 posted 5/20/2018 15:14 PM


Sometimes - there's none so blind as those that won't see.
And.... I guess that was both of us.

I'm sad that my life-partner turns out to be an unredemptive weirdo.
(Or is it me? Did I give up too soon?)

I find myself caring less and less.

Am I the only one?

No, I was very much in love with my STBXSAWH. hence the blind. My STBXSAWH is in shock I do not care about him anymore. I always took care of that fucker and was the landing pad. NO MORE!! The chain is broken and I am running the other way as fast as I can!! I am doing NC now despite IHS. It's great!

Truth is, "they" did not put any love or care into what they did to us. Can't wait til property settles and finalize D!


Lavender0916 posted 5/20/2018 18:50 PM


[This message edited by Lavender0916 at 6:51 PM, May 20th (Sunday)]

number4 posted 5/21/2018 19:22 PM

Got back from visiting youngest daughter on the west coast last night. Can't remember if I shared with everyone that, after we scheduled this trip, H actually had a friend of his reach out to him about a job. At first we sort of laughed because we assumed H would be way too over qualified, but as the communication exchanges continued, it wasn't so clear.

So H met with some people from this company, and they made it clear they really, really want him. He got a better idea of the job expectations, and this would be right up his alley and would combine all of his skill sets he's developed over an almost 30 year career history.

There are more details about his current job I don't think I've mentioned here... last summer when he committed to repairing our relationship, he cut back on his work hours - OK... 60 hours a week vs. 70 and sometimes 80. He cut back on business travel and of course there was that pesky little 45-day medical leave of absence in the fall when he went to rehab; and now they are telling him as of the end of the year, someone else (one of his direct reports) will be taking over his job and he can 'create his own wish list' for a new position. Now I know this sounds like something a lot of people would die for, but to me it says, 'we don't really know what we want to do with you, but you don't seem to be as invested in the job anymore, so we're going to speed up grooming this other person who is more committed than you because she's got a lot more years left at the company at her age.' My fear is he will create this new job and after a year or two, they will say they don't see it benefitting the bottom line of the company, and then they can use that to fire him. The attorney we met with last week suggested H negotiate for a work contract if he stays with the company, so that they'd have to have just cause to fire him. We're not sure they'd cooperate with that, but we'd have to try. If not, then he says, "Hey, it seems like you don't really have a plan for me right now and I'm probably 5 years, plus or minus 1 or 2, from retirement, so what kind of package are you willing to offer me if I leave now?" Then we relocate for the new job. Biggest bonus of it all is that I no longer have to worry about #4 coming back and filing a complaint, leading to his firing, where any severance package at that point will be substantially diminished because he's no longer in the driver's seat.

So why all the background? Yesterday when D and I dropped H off at the office he was interviewing at, my panic ramped up to the point that, as D and I were walking around the downtown area, I told her I had to go back to the car - my anxiety was causing me to be almost non-functional... I couldn't engage in conversation, and was so inwardly focused on what was currently transpiring in that meeting. On the walk back to the car, I told her about what was going on with H's current job, and that that development was the key to why H was even considering interviewing with this new company. I also finally told her about the PTSD - she asked me why, and I told her that it was in large part to everything that had happened last summer, and including two of my brothers dying 12 days apart. She seemed to get it and I felt like telling her this stuff helped her understand why I was so distraught in the moment. What she doesn't know is my anxiety about any fall out if H stays at the same company and he doesn't get a work contract... we could spend the rest of his career worrying about whether #4 decides to make his life miserable.

I was telling my trauma therapist about this today, and she asked if I'd felt a sense of relief just telling D about the current job situation, and I told her yes. The therapist asked how we'd decided back last summer what to tell our kids - I told her one of the kids asked H in private if he'd cheated on me, and he answered yes. I told him once he told her, he had to tell the other one. They said they didn't want to know any details, so they don't know it was with someone from work, much less that this woman was very unstable (although she is gone now, but blames that on H because she could 'no longer work at the same company he was at').

So now that this job chaos is facing us, and I feel like I'm in the midst of a tornado again in even considering the possibility of uprooting my life right now and moving 2000 miles away, I feel very compelled to explain to them all we are taking into consideration when discerning which job he should stay at or leave. Because every time I talk to them now (which is often now given how quickly things are changing), I feel like I'm hiding a big factor of what is playing into this decision, which in reality, is adding to my anxiety level... hence my massive panic attack yesterday that took a whole mg. of Xanax to dissipate. I'm tired of just explaining away my anxieties and panic attacks as 'something that happens to mom because I'm stressed out'. I don't need to tell them about the pregnancy and abortion; I don't even need to tell them that there were three other affairs with women at work over the years; I just need to tell them how much this #4 terrifies me and leads us to make decisions that we might not otherwise make.

As expected, when H came home tonight he got immediately defensive about telling them anything else. He's absolutely content with them just knowing what they know... that he cheated on me, and sees know reason to tell them how complicated it is and how those complications continue to impact me. This afternoon my trauma therapist told me she thought it was worth revisiting what our kids (really, they're young adults) know and we should discuss this with our MC. I told H tonight I thought we should table this discussion until we see our MC because I know he's going to dismiss any wish of mine that might disclose the extent to which his sick actions have impacted our lives. We see our MC Wednesday night.

Would appreciate hearing any perspectives here that I might not have considered. Please feel free to ask me for any clarifications if you think I'm not wanting to do this for the right reasons.

secondtime posted 5/22/2018 09:02 AM


I'm so sorry you are going through all this. Panic attacks really are awful.

What kind of support do you plan to offer your kids when they hear that #4 is a real threat? Are they seeing a therapist? Do they have the emotional space to process this new information?

Are you planning to be clear with them on what you expect in return? Do you expect them to comfort you? Be a sounding board for your thought process?

Are you prepared to tell them the entire truth if they start asking more questions. If you open up the discussion...and they ask if there's more...are you going to give them the truth?

I don't have grown up kids. I have young kids (5 months-14 years.)

But, I was a child myself (to include a young adult in my mid 20's), that was privy to my parents marital issues growing up (as told to me by my mom). All I can offer, that as a child, I didn't know what to do with all of this.. I can offer, that I was uncomfortable with the role that she put me in, and I was upset that she didn't give me a choice in whether or not I wanted to hear what she had to say. Even as a woman in my 20s, I didn't want to hear about my parents sex life or my mom's vaginal dryness due to menopause.

I was also not told everything, just the parts that were making mom hurt, at that moment she was hurting.

That was also very awkward..knowing that I was getting half a story...and that there was more...but I wasn't allowed to hear it all. It was very confusing. For my mom, it was about her need to control. She got something out of knowing things I didn't. And at times, making sure I knew that...because look what she could control. Look what sort of awkward position she could put me in.

And as a child, even an adult, I felt like this was a burden. A child (even an adult child) shouldn't need to spend time thinking why mom thinks it's important to tell me B and C, but I know there's A, D, E and that's apparently none of my business? So, I'm useful to hear some things, but not all?

ETA: My parents have taken the line that I am their child, and unless my mom gets something out of it emotionally, their decisions, their lives are none of my business.

[This message edited by secondtime at 9:06 AM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

number4 posted 5/22/2018 11:40 AM

@secondtime -

THANK YOU so much for your thoughtful reply. I am on my way to Pilates right now and will give these questions some serious thought and reply later this afternoon or evening. Much to contemplate.

These are exactly the kinds of questions I need someone to ask me, and although I had an appt. with my therapist today, it took 95% of the time just updating him on what transpired during our trip, the job offers, etc., so I didn't get a chance to really discuss this with him.

ashestophoenix posted 5/22/2018 11:44 AM

Number4, I'm so sorry. I get it. PTSD is challenging and panic attacks are a part of it.

I think you are struggling with two issues: should you tell your children more about what is going on with you; should you make a major life change right now with a move.

I thought secondtime had compassionate advice. I am very careful about what I have told family. They can be unpredictable in their ability to process this information. They can be sad and angry at the messenger. They can feel they have to pick sides. You deserve support. I'm not sure family can actually provide it. They might, but it's not a sure thing. Mine can't. Not a chance.

As far as moving is concerned. I up and moved away from my home of 30 years. I was in a panic. This was early in the days after initial discovery before I really knew some of the awful things I would learn about my husband. But I had such fear and panic. And, turns out, the fear was rational. The good thing about moving is that I do believe it made my husband's recovery easier for him. I think staying in the environment where his addiction had escalated so severely was going to be harmful. Plus, he needed to be shocked into getting serious. My move, and how much I gave up, which was enormous, did shock him. But there is the other side of this decision. It was terrible for me. I lost friends, my entire support system, my job. I had a very public life and there was no way I was going to say "my husband is a sex addict." To this day, many people have not forgiven me for leaving and don't understand why I did. This addiction leaves us isolated, and I became even more isolated.

In retrospect, if I was going to stay with my husband, I had to leave. But, honestly, I wish I had kicked him out and found a way to stay and have him go. I probably couldn't have achieved that, but that is what would have been in my best interest.

They take their addiction with them no matter where they are. If they want to act out, they will. If they want to recover, they will. There is nothing we can say or do to cause them to make the right choice. That is the harsh lesson I have learned.

The good news about my move is that I was so depleted, I had trouble getting through the day. Meeting my responsibilities was a challenge. That's trauma. I've been able to find a very good trauma therapist and my focus has been on my healing. That would have been harder for me if I had not moved.

But the losses are profound.


[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 7:47 PM, May 22nd (Tuesday)]

FaithFool posted 5/22/2018 20:24 PM

MOB, that's just DISGUSTING, ewww ewwww ewwwwww....

No you're not the only one, and no you're not giving up too soon.

I'm ten years out and still have days when I shake my head at the things my x did and the things he did them with before coming home to me for 20 years.

And his last sidepiece actually had the balls to sneer at me for not knowing.

These people are sick, sick, sick.

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