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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 18

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Smjsome1 posted 6/26/2018 15:14 PM

Number 4 - you are correct, we didnít know we were dysfunctional. My SAWH is the only one that knew.

And you are right, his own C would be better.

Thank you Marji for sharing about the adult child who comes to your meeting, thatís hopeful!

Lionne - you are correct, he really doesnít get how in just a few minutes our sons life changed to a lie. He keeps saying to me ďI hope he can forgive meĒ. I told him he needs to back off that, that S is processing at the beginning.

My group last night was about our lives, writing out a timeline. Starting birth to 12 years. Stuff I donít want remember. We had to share one negative thing. I didnít pick the worst, but it wasnít good. It started a spiral of pain and memories I wasn't ready for. Supposed to continue it to adulthood this week
Had my IC today. Iím just exhausted. I feel like maybe I wasnít meant to be happy. How can I be the child of a woman who didnít love me, and the wife of a man who didnít love me. Whatís wrong with me?
So my IC gave me different homework. Took an extra tiny pill, feel like if Iím not meant to be happy I should st least feel good, right? Iíve never taken recreational drugs, but I wonder if thatís the way to go? Like, pot brownies, no, but maybe pot lemon bars?

number4 posted 6/26/2018 19:24 PM

Smjsome1 - I may have missed this, but what is the 'group' you are going to? Is it led or facilitated by a therapist?

Regarding your recovery journey - it will be hard, there's no easy way around it; but if it were easy, you wouldn't get out of it what you need to get out of it to move forward. My timeline is a bit different. I started therapy and 12-step group work, geez.... almost 25 years ago. I vividly remember going in, sitting down, and telling the therapist I came from the perfect family. It took months to realize how screwed up I was, and I began the deconstruction of my life as I knew it and had to start making heads or tails of what my FOO was really like. It was daunting. Fortunately, we lived 1000+ miles from any of them, so we were able to control gatherings/get togethers. FWIW, my H, to a certain degree, did run a little bit of interference for me in those times. He came from such a family of chaos, that anything that wasn't chaos (like my family), seemed like a walk in the park to him. I have horrible stories to tell from my childhood that only a few select people on this earth will ever hear, and it took me probably a couple of years before I could tell my therapist about them. As a teen, I began drinking early (15) and smoking pot (16) and thought I was having a ball. I was just trying to numb my feelings. So when I met H, who also liked to party, it seemed like we were the perfect fit. He had high career aspirations, and I just wanted a family, so to a certain extent, we did meet each other's needs. But once our kids began to hit school age, I knew there was something terribly wrong with us - he was so distant and I needed more parenting and partner support. He couldn't give it, so my therapist helped me learn how to get it in other places (meaningful friendships and support groups).

There were months where I was going to therapy 2-3 times a week as I began to really unpack my FOO issues; I had so much shame, and carried so much anxiety. That was the first time I ended up taking Xanax for an extended period, under the direction of a psychiatrist, while we tried to find an anti-depressant that would aleve the anxiety. When my crisis finally passed, I was just able, on my own time frame, to wean off of the Xanax because truthfully, I'd just wake up and more and more of each day would go by and I'd realize I wasn't feeling anxious. It probably took me 6-8 weeks to eventually get off of it. But it probably saved my life - I'm 5'5", and my weight dropped down to 100 lbs. because I wasn't eating enough. I think a lot of people thought I had anorexia, but I didn't. I just had no appetite and my stomach was upset all the time. I finally landed on a medium-sized dose of Zoloft that kept things in check for almost 15 years, while I also still carried around a very small amount of Xanax to use as needed, which was very rarely.

About 15 years ago I was so content with my recovery and so grateful for the 12-step group leading me to a true spirituality (as opposed to how I'd been raised Roman Catholic with so much guilt and shame), that I decided I wanted to go back to school to become a chaplain, so I worked on my master's degree in a Protestant denomination, and ended up working several years as a hospice chaplain, and loved my work. I had great self-confidence, was grateful for my spirituality, and my kids were off to college. So personally, I had found some peace and serenity - my parents died in the early 2000s, and I didn't cry at either funeral. I was just so emotionally detached from them (although I was at their bedsides when they died - it was just such a superficial relationship for many years).

I was doing so well in my life, although H and I were basically roommates - he continued to refuse any suggestion that he needed any therapy; it was in 2007 that I found out about his first affair, but it was already over, so we attempted to repair things - he'd show up for appointments, but wasn't engaged in the therapeutic process with me. My kids were out of college, and health care was changing so much that I decided to quit my job for a while, have some much needed time for myself to pursue things I couldn't while working and raising a family. I had cut back my therapy to once every 2-4 weeks, just as a sort of check-in. While working in hospice, I felt it was a professional responsibility to hold myself accountable for things that would come up in my work with patients, with my therapist, but we spent several years just sort of checking in.

In fact, things were going so well after I quit my job, I decided maybe it was time to see if I could cut back on my Zoloft - that was the first bad health care decision I made that led to the beginning of my spiral down. Anxiety returned as bad as it had been earlier in my therapeutic process, and I had some physicians that were neglecting other things, like an overactive thyroid and prescribing too many hormones. No matter what we did for two years, I could not pull out of the abyss. Fairly quickly, I was back on Xanax again, because the weight loss returned. This time (2011-2012) I lost about 30 lbs. (I had more than put back on what I lost during the first crisis) - we tried so many medications, and nothing worked. Xanax kept be functioning just to the point where I could make therapy appointments (back to 2-3 times a week), but my life just sort of stopped. Because I had been such an active person, this led to a deep depression, and that's when I dealt with an inpatient treatment program, then eventually hospitalization for ECT. Funny thing... when I did the inpatient treatment program (Menninger Clinic), they didn't spend any time going back and looking at childhood trauma. Their gig is CBT and DBT. They seemed to base their success of me on whether they could get me off the Xanax, which they did, but it only lasted a couple of months. But while I was there, one of the psychiatrists told me she thought I had developed this anxiety and depression because I was trying to get back at H for his affair five years earlier. I absolutely didn't believe it, and was very angry for their suggesting I was so vindictive. That's probably why it didn't take long for me to need the Xanax after I was discharged. One important thing they did recommend at discharge, was that we get into some serious marital counseling, and not just an occasional 'H shows up with me to my therapist'. They also recommended a psychotherapy group, which I joined upon discharge, and did up until about six weeks ago when I decided the focus of my recovery needed to change, and the group was an additional night out, and was not focused on partners of sex addicts.

I remember when I finally got about 90% disclosure from H in September 2017, thinking, if Menninger thinks my anxiety and depression back in 2011-2013 was my getting back at my husband for one affair, how the hell was I going to respond to finding out about three more affairs between 2015-2017? For the first few months the anger directed my emotions, and I thought it was really odd that I wasn't needing much Xanax. It was the adrenaline. I was sleeping sometimes just 3-4 hours a night, and wide awake the next day... no napping. But over time, I couldn't sustain it, and the anxiety creeped back in, and I started needing Xanax from time to time. Like most, I lost more weight again (funny how, every time I lose weight in a crisis, I can always tell how I'm getting better again, because I start to put the weight back on!). In the ensuing year, with more disclosures until he finally admitted to the sex addiction in early March, losing two brothers who died 12 days apart in February, my own health scare with the genetic mutation discovery a month ago, and now our plans to relocate, my Xanax use is back up to almost a mg. a day (.50 of that is taken at bedtime, though). My psychiatrist has seen me use Xanax in times of crisis and be able to take myself off it when I no longer needed it (both times, she never told me I had to wean off it... I just did); in fact, yesterday when I met my trauma therapist, I asked her if she'd seen responsible use of benzos from other trauma patients, and see them wean themselves off it when the time was right, and she replied, "Absolutely... all the time; there are plenty of people who use benzos responsibly, and this is a time you need to have compassion for yourself and use it as needed."

Why have I shared all of this with you? Because I hate to see you start using something... you described 'an extra tiny pill', because if you're not meant to be happy, you should at least feel good. You are going through trauma - please, please, please see a qualified psychiatrist who understands trauma, and what it does to your body. There are skilled and competent psychiatrists out there who will help you through this so you're not having to self-medicate yourself. If you choose to go the pot route, at least, do it under the care of someone who will help you get your medical card (in our state you can get a card if you have PTSD). I think there is a place for medical marijuana, but when you have PTSD, it should be done under the supervision of a health care provider, even if you live in a state where you don't need that for a prescription. Some people have pointed out to me when we move to CA, I won't need a card; but I wouldn't dare start using medical or recreational marijuana unless one of my physicians knew what I was doing and know about the PTSD.

There's no shame in asking for medical help with what you're going through. And it hurts me to read that you don't think you're meant to be happy. Because even I believe the most egregious people in the world deserve to be happy, if they've done their therapeutic work and are genuinely striving to better themselves. I carry so much shame from my mom in particular due to my being born with a cleft lip/palate - I didn't realize it as a kid, but when I finally got around to doing some serious childhood trauma work back in November, it became so obvious to me... how did I miss it over all those years of therapy? Well, because I wasn't ready to see it. But now I do, and I will spend some time trying to make peace with it. It's painful, painful stuff, but in the end, if you work through it, you will be so much more happier and have such richer life experiences if you do the work. But doing the work means you have to ask for help, in whatever healthy form it comes in. One of the more serious things I'm thinking about doing when we move (it would be a BIG, BIG step for me), is to go one month make-up free. Because of how sensitive I am about my appearance, I rarely go out of the house without makeup; my personal trainer, who I've known for 7 years, has never seen me without makeup. I know it's because I want to distract from my cleft lip (which, actually, I've been told by many physicians that I had excellent plastic surgery done as a baby - they can hardly tell unless I tell them first about my defects). But I need to get to a place where I don't care what people think about how I look. H tells me I'm beautiful now, even on days when I am just staying home and don't have on any makeup. So here I will be, in a new community, wanting to impress people, and I'll have to do it based on who I am, and not how I look... that will be incredibly challenging for me.

I hope this didn't come across as lecturing. Hey, in my first couple of years of therapy (as I fought every ounce of denial in me that my childhood was screwed up), I was known to show up drunk for my therapy sessions from time to time... sometimes at 11AM! So I get it, it's all consuming, so overwhelming. But self-medicating didn't work for me. I eventually felt so much shame about it, I told my therapist, and that ended that. As miserable as I am right now, with how my life has unfolded in the last year, I'd give this any old day than how my life would have turned out had I chosen not to engage in serious therapeutic work.

Smjsome1 posted 6/26/2018 20:19 PM

No, my anxiety meds are prescribed, Iím not hooked, my dr, my therapist monitor my use

I had therapy, very successfully, with a psychologist and a medical dr monitoring me in my late 20ís dealing with the abuse. Took me two seconds after walking into her office to say - ďIím fine, but maybe Iím not ....Ē, and word vomit.
She always told me that severe trauma could bring it back. Iíve had dealt with PTSD, insomnia most of my adulthood. By this time DD1 (Aug 5, 2017) my ptsd felt mild.

Now Iíve been thru hell, gaslighting, etc, and Iím under the care of a medical Dr and a CSAT/spouse trauma therapist. Heís pulled his head out of his butt and is doing ďthe workĒ. Iím doing ďthe workĒ for me.

Part of it is July/Aug is coming (the first affair season for me), there was attempted 2nd hand contact by the Whore.

I deal with a lot with dark humour, canít help myself. I tried drinking one day a few months back, 3/4ís of a bottle of vodka, normal grocery store size, Iím not a drinker, never have been,my father and stepfather were alcoholics, so whatever size that is, 10-12 inchís tall. Got so drunk I ended up tricking him outside and locking him out of the house. Ha! Asshole, carry a key! Watched hm trying to get back in on the security-cams fell asleep. No hangover, no puking. Iím truly the daughter of a drunk. Just that one time.

Back to this few days. Iím down, but not out. Just feel like crap. Though it does seem that this is the time, if ever, for me to try a pot cookie! I mean, he tried whores, right!?

See - dark humor. Iím already dusting myself off. Itís just the roller coaster of hell.

Ps, I no longer have contact with them, the birth family, etc. not for a very very long time.

Smjsome1 posted 6/26/2018 21:48 PM

Just arrived home at same time as Son

Quiet conversation happening between SAWH and S downstairs. I am in bed quiet with my cat, Zoe.

Smjsome1 posted 6/27/2018 08:03 AM

The conversation went well. S told SAWH that ďIíve lost respect for you, but I see you are trying to work on yourself, fix yourself, thatís good, if you continue to be honest and do the work I can watch and waitĒ
Basically thatís the short version.

Later I went down and discussed counseling. He said not yet, let me think on it.

secondtime posted 6/27/2018 18:49 PM

Smjsome1

Had my IC today. Iím just exhausted. I feel like maybe I wasnít meant to be happy. How can I be the child of a woman who didnít love me, and the wife of a man who didnít love me. Whatís wrong with me?

I struggle a similar thought process, too, when I'm feeling low.

For me, it's not about happiness, but not being important enough for my mom or my husband to make me more important than their dysfunction.

As a mother, I just don't understand my mom's choices. Why shouldn't she want to get better so that I wouldn't have to deal with the effects of her dysfunction?

Why wouldn't my husband be honest about his relapse...why was/is his addiction more important than me?

At an academic level, I understand that they are broken people. I understand that for them, it was so much easier just to remain broken. I understand why I ended up with an addict.

I also, now, understand very clearly that my husband's addiction will always come first. Though of course he denies it. His response is that he's doing the work so that he makes different decisions next time.

But, the work does not change his make up. The work suddenly does not make him an addict. He is still an addict. He will always be an addict. I don't find comfort in the fact that adjective in front of "addict" changes, depending.

He will always be faced with making decisions that will hurt me. And I'm not taking any stock in the fact that the next time, it may be different. It hasn't been different for 18 out of 22 years. I'm not going to start having faith/hope in the future now.

And I'd rather be alone than only have the experience of coming in second to dysfunction in every major relationship I've had. I think I'm worth more than that.

But, I'm not sure, yet, either if this is a dealbreaker. I don't have to make any decisions about it today. So I don't. I'll make the right decision in the right time.

Smjsome1 posted 6/27/2018 18:57 PM

Second time - I get that!

I was not planning my first pregnancy and was terrified of having that baby, but when she was born, I changed, I knew, and I realized one day that I was messed up and I got help!

He watched me! He did nothing.

My mother; when I told her in my late 20s I was done, donít ever call me again, has not once asked why. She tells people all kinds of stories about me, sheís still trying to hurt me.

It just hurts I know I was never important

If he canít convince me Iím the most important, Iíll be alone. I canít do that again

number4 posted 6/28/2018 16:32 PM

Go figure... I've made it well into the afternoon with no Xanax today. I wish I knew what was different than a week ago right now.

Saw my therapist this afternoon... told him about being triggered about the TV show, The Americans. He watched the entire series, and said, other than the KGB couple, the adultery story line is about over, and there's nothing more like it in the rest of the series. I can't remember if I shared this, but the night I was triggered by that scene, H actually said to me (after a couple of hours of talking about it), "Maybe the answer isn't avoiding watching stuff on TV we haven't totally vetted; maybe it's - we watch stuff, and if something comes up, we use it as another opportunity to talk about what you're experiencing." I was actually impressed he came up with this. It takes SO much pressure off of me to worry about every little thing we watch, and actually gives me a platform to talk about what this is all like for me.

H has a meeting with his boss tomorrow, and invited his advocate in HR to join them. They have no idea what they're walking into. Maybe that's why I'm relieved today (I'm just saying today... no telling what'll happen tomorrow), knowing keeping this secret can start to be over. He won't be telling them he has another job lined up unless they ask, then he has to be truthful. I'm tired of pretending about just one more thing in my life... at least we'll be able to start to share the news that we're moving with people closest to us, and don't have to worry about it getting out at work.

DogsnBooks posted 7/2/2018 12:30 PM

WHía birthday is tomorrow. I got him some clothes as a gift, only because family will definitely notice if I didnít get him anything. No card though, and Iím not putting any effort into planning a celebration or anything like that.

In other news, WH will be getting a full psych eval done sometime soon. Canít wait to see what they find ...

number4 posted 7/3/2018 09:37 AM

@DognBooks - yea, those first significant dates are challenging when we carry so much anger and pain. Now that I'm officially past the one-year last contact date, I have to say it is easier. But I remember for so many months just thinking, "I just want to get past the year mark, to be able to tell myself I survived... however it happened."

number4 posted 7/3/2018 09:41 AM

I know I brought up the issue of what to tell adult children before, but H's CSAT did tell him about three weeks ago that he needs to tell our kids about the sex addiction... not details, but that he has this addiction. Since our oldest is home for the week, I am reminded of how angry I am that I have be so careful of what I say, how I react to triggers, etc, and it just pisses me off. More and more and more pretending that I shouldn't have to do.

Remind me again, for those of you who told your adult children, how did it go? Any regrets? For those who didn't tell their adult children, what do you say to yourself to keep yourself sane?

marji posted 7/3/2018 14:14 PM

number I have one adult child married with a toddler and another on the way. We have said nothing. We always enjoy our visits which are very frequent. We're typically baby sitting and we have to focus on our grandchild. Im not thinking of H or anything of the awfulness when Im totally concentrating on the safety and fun of my grandchild. When we're with our son and DIL we talk about their lives and again, lots of baby attention. So it's not been a problem. I don't feel Im faking anything--just living in that moment-that day-that evening-that story book-whatever.

I actually felt fine around other people pretty soon after discovery--I really enjoyed Thanksgiving--the preparation-the company-the food.
So there was no sense of having to keep myself sane--but I understand that can be a huge challenge for others. Did your H's CSAT say why he thought your H should be revealing he was an SA? I attend SANON meetings and this is the first I've heard of a therapist telling an client to do that but I know no two people, no two situations, no two families are alike and perhaps there was some special circumstance that illicit your H's counselor advising that way.

[This message edited by marji at 2:15 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday)]

number4 posted 7/3/2018 17:22 PM

She said it was important to tell your children so you can help break the addiction cycle in families, by not keeping secrets. She didn't say we needed to share any details, but just the addiction diagnosis.

D's boyfriend arrives tonight and will be here until Friday morning. I don't think telling her today is wise. But we see our marriage counselor on Friday afternoon, so I want to revisit this with her and see if there's something we can say before D leaves on Saturday evening.

marji posted 7/3/2018 18:57 PM

Thank you for sharing the reason your H's CSAT advised that. That's interesting. I know that many adult children of people in my group were told of their father's SA but not for that reason--some because some book or pamphlet was left around and rather than lie or obfuscate the truth was told; others were told because they were still living at home and there was drama; the parents almost had no choice but to explain.

But this is a very thought out decision and seems to have a very sound basis. Betrayal always involves lies and secrecy. I took your explanation to mean that she thought that confessing to his addiction, would build intolerance of the habit of lying and keeping secrets and hence maximize the chance for recovery. Sounds like a very challenging and honorable task. I admire your courage and your honesty.

Smjsome1 posted 7/3/2018 21:54 PM

Our D and SIL were with us for DDay, so theyíve been on this journey with us. Surprisingly supportive of him, considering.

Our son wasnít aware, we just told him.

My IC suggested the SA do the talking, he write out a list/agenda/bullet points because itís easy to get sidetracked by the emotions. He was to review it with his IC, show it to me for me to weigh in on my thoughts, and then practice with his IC
My IC said for us to both be present, focus on the addiction, not the details. That the addiction led to his betrayal of me - to explain my weight loss, depression. That the addiction is destructive, and addictions do run in families, etc.

She also said there would be shock, time would be needed to process, so to set aside time the next day, during disclosure, so he would know at this time we will be approaching you to ask if you need to talk.

His IC said to expect any emotion, be humble, validate.
And ! To expect disclosures from him. And he did come back and disclose something personal to each of us! After his questions.

Anyway - my biggest regret is allowing my SAWH to procrastinate till Sunday, as our S ended up leaving work the next day. Itís a LOT to process. It would have been better for him to have the weekend.

He is surprisingly supportive.

If you have any questions, ask, Iím no expert, but I did literally just go thru this.

number4 posted 7/4/2018 00:24 AM

That's exactly how I see it playing out. H doing the talking, but me there. No details, except perhaps that I never got the whole truth until this past March (when he admitted to his sex addiction), nine months after they thought I knew he cheated on me. It's as if I want them to understand why, in certain regards, there was no way for me to have moved through the kind of recovery they might be expecting at this point, now a year later, when I didn't get the real gist of what was going on until four months ago.

I think I may have mentioned here, a booklet called Trauma Is Really Strange, that my trauma therapist had me read. If I could just get them to read that, it would mean so much. It's about any kind of trauma, not just betrayal.

I wish, wish, wish I could get D to go with us to our marriage counselor appt. on Friday, but I know that won't happen. Besides, she leaves Saturday evening, so it wouldn't give her time to process the news.

I think H and I are going to end up going another round of 'to tell them or not'. To be fair, after they found out about the 'cheating', they did say they didn't want to know any details. However, I still think there's room for telling them about the addiction without giving them details.

H and I barely spoke to each other today after disagreeing about this last night right before bedtime. He said he's angry at his CSAT, my trauma therapist and me for even suggesting he share this news with our Ds. And neither one of us slept well last night. Tomorrow we're having a few people over for the 4th. Two of those friends pretty much know everything, but the majority of total people here (five more other than H and I), don't. So I have to put on my 'everything's fine' face.

I told my trauma therapist on Monday it's getting really old, the comments I get from people about how little I eat these days... especially when it comes from my Ds. They just don't get it and it hurts to hear them make comments along the lines of, "Well, we don't have to worry about mom because she hardly eats anything," when we're ordering out for a meal, or sometimes even cooking at home. And when I do have an occasional meal where I eat a normal amount, H will make some kind of comment that sounds more like what a parent would say to a child who has finished everything on their plate. Honestly, I don't even want to go out for meals anymore - it's no longer pleasurable.

Smjsome1 posted 7/4/2018 09:37 AM

My son was worried I had cancer. When we asked to speak to him he thought it was to tell him I had a month to live. He is super happy Iím not dying!

You should also consider the children talking to each other. It was hard on his sister knowing he didnít know. When heíd call her she was terrified heíd ask questions

Lionne posted 7/4/2018 12:57 PM

She said it was important to tell your children so you can help break the addiction cycle in families, by not keeping secrets.

Yep. He told our kids. While DS1 was in a residential recovery program for alcohol. I wanted him to tell them a bit more, not details, but as an explanation for my behavior. I simply wasn't the strong mother they had been used to.
DS1 was resentful. Towards his dad for treating him poorly, towards me for allowing it (as if!) He's made peace. DS2 thinks I'm amazing, strong and wonderful for working through this. For staying and allowing the continuation of our nuclear family.
Overall, our family is far healthier for giving up secrets.

Alexia77 posted 7/4/2018 15:51 PM

My daughters in their 30ís came to me asked me if Dad had a affair. Because of the changes in me that they had observed in the prior 6 months this was the conclusion they came to. Not only did I lose 30 pounds in a couple of months but their carefree confident mother had become a recluse and had even quit her job. Plus they said they were tired of coming over and finding me not dressed, no makeup and red eyes. So I told them the truth and now 2 1/2 years after them finding out I realize that I told them too many details but I felt I needed them to know the depth of the addiction. Since the girls knew I also told my son. Itís been extremely difficult for them. One daughter didnít speak to him for 6 months. She said WS was the only man she had ever admired and wanted to marry someone who would love her like he loved me. She is the only one he has apologized to. My son wants nothing to do with him and has probably only seen him 10 times. He canít understand why I am still with WS. He asked me how I can still smile when he sees us together. I have tried to explain to him that financially I canít leave and that I still care for Dad and that I can either let this destroy me or I can decide to make every day the best I can make it. Because of this I feel like my so. Has lost some respect for me. Needless to say, they have all lost respect for him. Even tho we have been married 30 years now, this is a second marriage for both of us. My kids were 4-10 when we married and have always considered WS Dad. WS has 2 sons who also know. My son and one of his are very close and work together which is how they found out. WS has not had a conversation with them about his addiction and does not want to. His oldest sonís wife told me that he did not want to talk about it. It took almost a year before he started coming over again. His boys also found out that WS had been unfaithful numerous times with their mother.

Our lives have been forever altered and we are no longer a family that has get togethers other than a couple holiday ones. I so miss those days. I know that God can heal relationships and that is what I pray for.

Smjsome1 posted 7/4/2018 20:10 PM

Whatís odd is, in being so supportive of his disclosure to our son, Iím afraid if I leave my son will not understand!

He said that heís proud of his father for being honest and doing the work. He does not know of everything that he did, the months and months of lies and gaslighting. That I ended up in the hospital and his father continued seeing the woman after for 3 1/2 weeks. That this is a 30 yr addiction.

Also, new topic, need to tell someone! And Iím aware this is something I shouldnít do!
I hate the stalker other woman AP who made my life hell from Aug to Feb, and suddenly today I got a bee in my bonnet, and did some online research. Why do I care? She could have been anyone. But - she stalked him, messed with me, etc.

She told us sheíd been divorced for 6 months - her divorce finalized while they were together. So she was married when they started
Her ex husband has multiple criminal convictions, etc, but he got custody and she pays child support
The boyfriend she started posting ďso in LoveĒ a month after NC while stalking SAWH for 5 months, well he was in a love triangle at 17 and murdered the boyfriend of the woman he was cheating with when the boyfriend came home. He turned himself in and got 3 years. He also served 7 years for auto theft. And 5 years for tax stuff. And many many 30days to 6 months for dwi/drug offenses. He has been in and out of drug/alcohol rehab.

The AP is a drinker, she hangs out in bars, and partying at ďthe lakeĒ and they met in a bar, their Facebook pics(when I still had it) were always in bars, etc.

In my previous life I did research, just FYI. All found out legally and for free. Surprisingly I found nothing on her, except the divorce and child support info.

Again, why do I care? 1. I showed him and said, real winner there.
2. It makes me happy to see sheís working her way to the justice she deserves

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