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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 18

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Lionne posted 8/9/2018 17:58 PM

So how do I reattach? Any wise words? There are still times that I WANT to extend affection and hold back. Not sure why.

Countingsheep65 posted 8/9/2018 19:25 PM

Heís not been diagnosed as a sex addict, I usually post on general, I donít really know where I should post,

For sure he has big problems, porn, dating sites, meet up sites, started in 2015.

Found he had been wearing my pantyhose, cami tops, who knows what else. Looks like he was trying to hook up with a dude.

So this morning I went to put on a white tank top, guess what? Someone jerked off all over the back of it. I hang it up on his side of the closet, he gets up and is looking for a shirt to wear, I suggested my white one, he just laughed a little, he was looking at the front of it, I said turn it around, you see this? you did that,

I said I would of put that on, went out into public with this on.

He denies, denies, denies and even has the balls to blame it on our son. What a sick fuck he is.

Have any of you had this happen to you where you were so disrespected?

What would be your response in dealing with this?

sami1234 posted 8/9/2018 19:28 PM

Lionne: I have been pondering this a lot myself. I absolutely feel detached. Funny that after I actively detached from him I read that detachment was something to do to get through this. Instinctively I knew that I had to state to myself that this man was no longer "mine" and I let him go. That was very difficult to do, but I did it. I still don't consider him "mine."

I think the fact that we want to extend affection and then hold back is simply fear of being hurt again. I, too, THINK by all accounts that my WH is now a different person, but then there's that tiny little voice that pops up and says "what if he is fooling you?" That tiny little voice is what keeps me from reattaching, and I will have to reattach before I can recommit! He wanted to do a recommitment ceremony right away and I said, no way! I knew it would make him feel better but it did absolutely nothing for me. There is no un-ringing that bell.

When we moved back in together after our very brief separation he told me that I would "know" if he ever did those things again. My response? No I won't, you will just be better at it. I guess I believe that if he chooses to do those things again, he won't be as sloppy as he used to be.

So I guess I don't have many suggestions on the reattachment thing do I?

Lionne posted 8/9/2018 20:57 PM

Sami, no worries I still love you! It's a conundrum for sure.

Who the bleep. Wow. Ugly stuff. If you root through the stories from the people in this thread you'll find lots of ugly stuff. But yuck, just yuch.

IMO, an official diagnosis of SA is overrated. If someone self selects and goes to meetings either voluntarily or through some coercion, then that provides a conduit through which to address abberant behavior. The label SA is useful as a way to define therapy. I would never stay with an active addict.

It's about boundaries. Set strong ones and stick to them. Don't put up with that shit.

number4 posted 8/9/2018 21:12 PM

I think reattachment is a process, and some of you are probably somewhere in the process if you haven't decided to file for divorce. So yea, unfortunately it sucks. It's like grief... many stages, you move in and out and at some point you reach some closure that is comfortable for you.

marji posted 8/9/2018 21:20 PM

Sami I hope you're telling the truth when you say you still have your sense of humor. A new person was at our SANON meeting the other night and commented on how jolly a group we seemed to be. This before the formal meeting started; things get pretty serious during the share though there are funny moments in that too but before and after the formal part we can laugh--the humor's a bit on the dark side but guess it's part of what keeps us going.

On the failure to support--there are different ways of doing it; mine never disparaged my ability to pursue, he'd just say something like, "there probably won't be any job openings in that area" or something was too expensive even though we could well afford it.

I realize now, maybe even sort of realized then, that I could have just gone ahead and pursued what I wanted without his OK; maybe I was using his negativity as an excuse? or maybe I just needed that extra support? Those times were quite long ago but they came charging forward in my consciousness after discovery as if very recent.

Discovery of his sexual betrayal brought to mind all sorts of other betrayals; every dismissal, every attitude of indifference, every discouraging, word and all 35 years started flashing in front of my consciousness with memories of all sorts of hurts so that what he had to ask forgiveness for was huge. This whole thing can be very tiring. So sense of humor is a must.

number4 posted 8/9/2018 23:30 PM

Couple of quick updates... after years and years of being told to try meditation, and a year after downloading the Insight Timer app on my phone, I did my first meditation tonight. I do go to a meditation group on Monday mornings, but then I'd not do anything all week along - in my heart I knew it wasn't going to work for me doing it once a week. Several people suggested I start out with one by Tara Brach, so I did, and enjoyed it - 15 minutes - a good amount of time for me.

We are leaving Sunday for CA to nail down a short-term rental and for H to work a few half days at the new job. Not sure if I'll come home from CA, or if I'm still struggling, I can leave from there to go The Meadows. If I come home, I doubt I'd go out to The Meadows without us making the permanent drive out after Labor Day. I've still got some serious issues that have nothing to do with my husband's behavior I need to face. That being said, I was so excited to google COSA groups and find one I can attend not too far from where we'll be staying in a VRBO Monday night. Of course, then I got pissed as all get out because I googled SAA meetings, and they're a dime a dozen. Also put an email out to an RCA group to make sure they're an active group, but we wouldn't be able to visit it next week as it would happen the night we leave to come home.

We've got four moving companies coming out to give us estimates over the next almost two weeks, so this is getting real.

H sat in on part of my IC session today at my request - other than letting each other know we'd been tested last summer for STDs, we never got around to discussing my anger at him for putting me at risk by having unprotected sex. The conversation actually started last night, and I didn't feel like it had closure by almost 1AM. Interestingly, he has told me many times when I've asked, that he always felt guilty driving home after every time he was with one of his APs, and I never quite believed him. But then today, in my therapist's office, he told us how he realized throughout the affairs, he was experiencing indigestion off the charts, and within a few days/weeks after he ended the last affair, it abated to practically nothing now. He said he didn't know at the time it was his body's way of expressing guilt/shame/pain, etc. He thought he had just developed GERD because he was getting old. Looking back over those two years, I can remember how many times I'd hear him get up in the middle of the night and go take a bunch of Tums (I'd hear the tablets coming out of the bottle and him chewing them as he walked back to bed). And now it never happens unless we've had a particularly difficult discussion about the pain he is causing me; it happened last night - he said he got up several times to take Tums - well, now that I take an extended-release Xanax at bedtime, I pretty much sleep through everything. So to me it says, he [i]was[/i] at odds with himself at what he was doing, and although I'm sure he did have some guilt (I wasn't convinced it was every time), knowing how this took a toll on his stomach tells me he really was feeling a lot of guilt and anxiety about what he was doing. It's almost like there was some sort of punishment, but he caused it himself.

Lionne posted 8/11/2018 10:26 AM

My husband exhibited(s) zero physical consequences. He leaves that all for me.
Life isn't fair.

Lionne posted 8/11/2018 10:41 AM

I like Tara Brach, too. Her voice is soothing. I enjoy the words and philosophy of Jon Kabot Zim but can't listen to his voice if I want to meditate.

[This message edited by Lionne at 10:41 AM, August 11th (Saturday)]

Wtf2014 posted 8/11/2018 12:50 PM

Hi ladies. I just need support right now. I left my SA WH. More and more of the truth came out. I can't believe he was capable of all this and did it right under my nose. I still love him, but staying was torture for my soul. We are being amicable about everything. He has started recovery and I still want to support him, I just don't know if staying friends will be beneficial for me. I'm thinking 6 months NC so we both can focus on ourselves and then as long as it doesn't hurt either of maybe we can think of a friendship. Is that crazy for me to think? I know and he knows he has a severe problem with his addiction. He is relieved to have come out about it and begin the help he so desperately needs. I just couldn't live insecure or allow his actions to not have consequences. I know I will need a lot of time to heal from all this. I'm disappointed and embarrassed that after all this pain a tiny part of me still Hope's he can recover and that years down the line we can reunite. Why can't I just let him go entirely? He may not be my forever but I so strongly hope he east help and saves himself. I know I need to stop focusing all my energy in Hope's for his recovery but on my own.

Any recommendations? I have 1 more therapy session left. Sadly my 2 jobs and grad school keep my schedule so full I don't have time to attend. What can I do to heal from this trauma? I know i want to put myself out there more and work on friendships and join a gym group to meet girls friends. I have an awesome support of friends but they live far away.

number4 posted 8/11/2018 13:29 PM

@wtf2014 -

You are only ONE MONTH out from your D-day. This is way too early to make major decisions other than, I'll take it one day at a time, and sometimes one hour at a time, and even one minute at a time. This is not the kind of process you want to be an overachiever at. It needs to unfold before you without unnecessary pressure on yourself to make life-long decisions right now.

You say you can't continue in therapy due to your schedule, but then you say you want to join a gym and make girlfriends. Might I suggest the kinds of girlfriends you need right now are women you'd meet through a 12-step support group? You'd be getting the intense level of support you need, as well as making some social connections. I 'get' the gym stuff. I made a big mistake with that. Being active (strength training two hours a week and Pilates two hours a week, plus PT for my back) is a crucial part of my mental health, but as my body continued to suffer PTSD from H's disclosures, and I didn't modify my work-out schedule, it took a toll on me. Not surprisingly (other than it took me almost a year to figure out), I was doing too much, which is why my body (and back) were screaming at me. The more it screamed, the more I thought, "I just need to make my muscles stronger." But it backfired. I have cut back on my routine the last two weeks, and the last two times I went to the chiropractor, she told me my back is better than it has been in almost the whole time she's been seeing me for almost a year.

However, you are young and may decide you don't want to end up like some of us who are married for 30+ years to sex addicts but didn't know it for most of our marriages... and you may decide to move on.

If you don't continue in some kind of therapy or self-help program, and you and H divorce, you are at a high risk of getting involved with other sex addicts. The numbers are there to support this likelihood, so you need to take care of yourself, no matter what you and your H end up doing.

Wtf2014 posted 8/11/2018 14:06 PM

number4: this month has felt like such a long time. Last week WH admitted to himself and me that he believes he has SA. Slowly more and more truth has come out. He has had unprotected sex with 5 different women, 1 of them 4x, even considered prostitutes, but was "too drunk", and has cheated in his mind (fantasized) millionths of times with basically any women that is semi attractive. I am utterly devastated to find out the severity of his addiction. I am in trauma but I also know for my own dignity and safety I need to help myself first and get out. I am glad he has confessed his secrets, but my gut is telling me I can't save him. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I keep crying from mourning the man I thought he was, too trying to convince myself to give him a year, to imagining I could have gotten a deadly STD, to thinking of we are meant to be he needs to recover without me and maybe he'll come back to me as a better man.

I know I'm in trauma. I just need to think of other resources to heal other than IC. Maybe I'll look into online therapy. Any books would also be appreciated.

Lionne posted 8/11/2018 14:11 PM

Have you looked at the first page of this thread? I recommend the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. It's old but paints the picture of how partners are traumatized by sexual addiction even though we may not have known about it.

Wtf2014 posted 8/11/2018 15:12 PM

Lionel: thank you I will read it

number4 posted 8/11/2018 20:15 PM

Hi ladies - don't worry if you don't see me around for a while. I cannot make it to CA tomorrow, so instead will head to The Meadows in the afternoon; am in a pretty bad place. H will accompany me on my trip.

Be back in touch when I'm discharged after six weeks. This is no way to live.

All the best to you all in the meantime.

cypress posted 8/12/2018 00:05 AM

I hear you ashestophoenix. We are in our early/middle 70s! I had no clue for 25 years what he had been doing--porn, adult book stores, gay/tranny sites as the addiction progressed, acting out 4 different times with 4 anonymous men. Where do BS like us go from here at our ages?

ashestophoenix posted 8/12/2018 08:31 AM

I'm thinking 6 months NC so we both can focus on ourselves and then as long as it doesn't hurt either of maybe we can think of a friendship. Is that crazy for me to think?

wtf - I don't think it's crazy at all. If your husband truly cares about you and in his own well being, during this separation he will work on sincere recovery, sincere disclosure post separation, and sincere amends. He may not do that at all. Or, you might find that you are done with him. But you will have much more clarity than you do now.

I admire what you are doing. I so wish this is what I would have done after discovery. I like your plan of NC and focusing on YOU and your life for these six months. Honestly, if you decide to end your marriage and start over, you don't need to think another minute about this addiction. S-Anon or Al-Anon is always available as is individual therapy if you need it.

You're young. You have a life. Live it fully. Hand your husband over to himself as you are doing.

What I can say I have learned, painfully, is that recovery from this addiction is hard work and takes lots of time. And, they have to forever be wary of complacency or they have a high likelihood of relapsing. It's not good for marriage.

If I had done what you are doing, I think one of two things would have happened: I might have filed for divorce early on and focused exclusively on my healing. It's hard to heal when living with the person who caused so much of the pain. Or, I might have found I missed my husband, even with all the BS, and I wanted to give it another try. Staying, as I have done, left me in a painful limbo that required emotional detachment. It's like doing the separation but not being able to do NC.

When I started to travel without my husband post D-day, I realized how much happier and more peaceful I was without him. This clarity was important and I would not have achieved it if I was not away from him.


[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 8:32 AM, August 12th (Sunday)]

Wtf2014 posted 8/12/2018 09:16 AM

Ashestopheonix: thank you. Leaving is so hard. But I know that I need to take care of me right now and he must recover on his own. I fear the pain of being away from him. I also fear he won't continue to recover. I find myself thinking I need to let him go and if he is meant for me he will return and be healthy for me. But if he continues in this downward spiral, I can say that I got out and save myself from more pain.
My WH understands this, but doesn't want to file for D. He asked if I could just think about it he says he knows I can't believe anything he says (duh you think) but that he is and wants to change his way of thinking, actions, etc and be the husband I deserve. I want all of this. I'm just so frightened. I dream that he can recover and be the man I know he can be. But I also fear that I will forever have to worry. What if he's so erratic for years and we reconnect, start a family, and then he falls back into his addiction. I understand these are all possibilities. I also have told my family, so he would really need to make amends to all of them as well. I'm also scared how us separating can just make his SA easier to do. I'm crippled thinking that maybe he'll just better better at his lies and the secrecy of it all. I pray that he can truly respect me and not come back to me if he is not healing.

Ladies, are there any signs I should look for when we reconnect months down the line? Should I even be hopeful about still having a forever with him? Like many of you, I never could have imagined this. I know he is sick and what he did to me is unacceptable. But he also was my best friend, supported me to reach my dreams, always there to listen to me, took care of me and our home when I'd be so busy with school/work. I know I can find love again, I just think I'll always compare people to him. Ugh. My heart is filled with anxiety.

marji posted 8/12/2018 11:35 AM

numberjust wanted to say thank you for letting us know about your impending absence--we'll miss you but good to know you are in a safe place and we'll all be sending you good thoughts and be well wishes. Your words are always helpful here--your strength and smarts really really help. Be well and good luck re all the California stuff.

Superesse posted 8/12/2018 13:06 PM

Wtf, You asked what if you reconnect, start a family and then your WH returns to his addiction, years later. I think you have asked a very important question, one that maybe nobody here can answer. I can only speak from what I have seen, and I am not trying to scare you at all. You sound very much in love with him, and understandably you have hope, too.

I will share that my ex-brother-in-law was a "sex addict" (an attorney, my late sister a SAHM.) During both of her pregnancies, he had cheated on her, she later found out (I don't know how much later.) He claimed to want what your husband says he wants, a complete change of heart and a new commitment to their marriage. She gave him that second chance. He "got religion," semed like a new man to her, and she told me they had 7 good years together. Eventually, he wanted to have another child, wanted to try for a boy after 2 girls. So at age 42, my sister went ahead with a pregnancy, and the baby boy was born with Downs, unfortunately. It was at that time she found out her SAWH was back to his addict ways, trading his legal services to hookers and drug addicts for sex in his office, and would come home to her and have unprotected sex - the same night! She filed for divorce, it was terribly bitter, and he ended up losing his license to practice law. All because of a deep-seated issue he was never able to eradicate.

I know a woman at my church whose husband did the same pattern: he found religion, talked her into renewing their vows, they had another couple children, and later on, she discovered his prostitute habit. He had somehow managed to pull $50,000 out of their house with a second mortgage that she knew nothing about - her divorce attorney discovered this.

In my case, my SAWH was in "remission" from his prostitute and porn habit for what I believe was 12 years. We went through terrible times together after D-Day 1, but by 11 years after D-Day, I had hopes we might still make a new marriage, even though my SAWH never appeared any different to me, other than he quit ogling pretty blond women, when I was with him. One fine day, 12 years after I decided to stay and work it out with him, he was arrested in our little town for: soliciting a prostitute.

So out of 3 real life cases I am familiar with, all 3 men had this pattern of remission for years after their sex addiction was exposed. But none of those men were successful in their "recovery." During those long years of not acting out my husband claimed he never struggled with sexual "urges." From what books I have read on this addiction, that is not the usual story. Most sex addicts struggle with their urges to act out, and slip more frequently. So, I just don't know what the odds are, really, but you are very wise to be taking care of yourself, right now. I hope you can find a good IC who can help you, one who has experience with betrayal of this kind would be the best.

Edited to add a 3rd case history.

[This message edited by Superesse at 1:15 PM, August 12th (Sunday)]

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