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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 18

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Twentyplus posted 8/24/2018 15:02 PM

Hi all, I read here, but donít post very often. I am 68. Been partnered with/married to my SA since I was 27. I have known who he really is for only a few years. I have suffered continuously, yet made codependent excuses for his lack of character & connection.

Dogs, you are 24. You have your whole life ahead of you. Be grateful you know now what your husbandís mental health issues are. You canít fix them.

Call the lawyer. File. Move on. It will be hard, but it will be right.

JadeC posted 8/24/2018 15:24 PM

You are right, Ashes. The bell cannot be un-rung. I have used the example, with my husband, of the piece of paper that has been crumpled up. You can smooth out that paper all you want, but it will still bear the wrinkles and marks.
I've also used the example of a fractured bone to explain what has happened with my trust. That it can be "repaired" but that bone will always be fragile and more easily broken.
Whether I stay with him or not, those feelings won't change.

DogsnBooks posted 8/24/2018 15:59 PM

@twentyplus I canít file for divorce. We donít have money. Itís not that simple.

JadeC posted 8/25/2018 01:20 AM

Dogs...I think you're just not ready.
If you were ready, you would find a way.
Google "getting a divorce without money" and you will find a lot of resources. You have no children, so I'm guessing a divorce would be pretty straightforward. If you wanted one.
It might be helpful to get a consultation with an attorney to see what is involved. Most attorneys offer the first consultation for free, I believe. Then you would be able to formulate a plan to move forward and "get your ducks in a row" so that you can be prepared when you are ready to pull that trigger.
Not judging you. I'm not there yet, either. But I am taking some steps to get there. I'm holding off on any definite decision until my son is out of the house and settled in his own life.

marji posted 8/25/2018 03:35 AM

Dogs When no children involved, if no serious property issues such as home ownership involved, if the parties agree then there may be no need for attorney involvement and basically the costs would be for the court filing; in some jurisdictions for some situations those fees can be waived.

But I think that Jade may be right and you are just not ready to take that step. But what about separating?

It's seems that that too is very hard for you to do but as so many of us here have said, you are so young and there are no children involved. Perhaps what you need to move on from what seems to be a relationship that causes you such unhappiness is a stronger IRL support team along with SI. Have you any friends or relatives that can help you? I've probably asked before but are you in any IRL betrayal support groups and if so are you working with a mentor? No need to answer any of these questions here on SI--they're just for you to answer to yourself.

We're all on your side Dogs; it's easy to tell someone else-just get a D-the advice Im sure is meant well; but it's just not that easy. Just please remember that you are a good person and you deserve to have a good partner.

[This message edited by marji at 4:54 AM, August 25th (Saturday)]

DogsnBooks posted 8/25/2018 17:00 PM

When I talk about not having money to D, I donít mean just the cost of D itself. I know we could do that relatively cheap. What I mean is that I donít make enough money currently to support myself. I am just at the start of my career, so the money isnít exactly flowing in. Iíve done the math. Iíve budgeted it out. And I canít live alone, and have no friends/family I could live with.

But anyways. You all are right. Iím not ready to D. And I think perhaps I feel some shame in that. Because I know I deserve better than this. But somehow, I still donít want to lose him.

He has been staying at his brotherís house since Tuesday. Minimal communication. I wish we could do a true 30+ day therapeutic separation but ... we still have this house that we are moving into next weekend. And please, no one give me a hard time about that. Anything you could say, Iíve already said to myself, trust me. I know the timing is terrible. I know. But Iím not ready or willing to throw away something I want just because he keeps f*cking up.

As far as support ... no, I donít have much. I am in a few groups on Facebook and those are nice. Actually just started a group to work through the Facing Heartbreak workbook with a few ladies.

I do go to S-Anon... but thatís hit or miss for me. I have a hard time with a lot of it, especially the religion aspect (I know they try to keep it neutral, but it doesnít even matter. I feel like itís getting shoved down my throat, and while I was raised religious, at this point in my life it only feels like if there is a ďhigher power,Ē itís laughing at my misery.) And a lot of the wording in S-Anon rubs me the wrong way. Like the parts talking about how you may have ďenabledĒ your spouse.

I donít have any IRL friends who are supportive. I have only told one friend about all this and while I love her, honestly she is a pretty flaky person and bad at responding/showing up when needed. Donít really have any friends ... and family is far from supportive.

I am still trying to find a therapist to help me with this. I found one who seems good but I havenít heard back from her yet.

Lionne posted 8/25/2018 18:04 PM

Dogs, I certainly don't intend to give you a hard time. You WANT this mine, do it. You've given up enough. Grab onto whatever gives you a bit of joy.
In your head you are planning for the future. You have a career, just starting, but that's huge.
SANON. Sigh. I'm not religious in the traditional sense but I do believe there's powerful forces that I know nothing about. I had/have the same reaction you've had. If there is a God/fate/higher power how come I'm getting shit on? What did I ever do?
I did enable my husband by accepting unacceptable treatment. Yet I knew nothing about his hobbies. He wore me down with his rage and nasty attitude if I dared to question him. I went from a strong, independent woman to a pathetic shadow with my head in the sand. It didn't help that I was raising two boys, one of whom had sender learning problems, both of whom had severe asthma and one who tested me at every move. I was a teacher, two very different assignments in three years, the amount of preparation was overwhelming.
I stayed for completely selfish and financial based reasons, at first. Things have evolved, VERY slowly, as my husband ultimately entered a true recovery.
SANON helped me in two ways. 1) I had others with whom to share the experience and the absurdity of the situation 2) I learned to detach, to truly understand I had no control over his Addiction. SANON is very behind the times, imo, the research that leans towards the trauma model for partners, yet, the model is still useful to a degree.
It is truly a "one day at a time" thing. Your timeline is yours and I truly don't anyone in this forum will fault you.

Lionne posted 8/25/2018 18:07 PM

PS. Is the new house big enough to have a semi separation, where you interact little?
We never really separated. But there was a brief period where he slept elsewhere for a few days and stopped in now and then. He was completely shocked to see me making plans to go out, to do things on my own, social things, I mean. I think he thought I'd stay home and mourn

Be selfish. Do things for YOU.

JadeC posted 8/25/2018 18:32 PM

Dogs-If it sounded like I was giving you a hard time,I apologize.
You're not ready to divorce. Neither am I. And that's okay. There are no right or wrong answers to what we're supposed to do with our lives after discovery. That is for each of us to decide on our own. Many experts advise not to make any major decisions for at least a year after a trauma like this. I don't see anything wrong with signing a year's lease on a new house. There's your year to think things through and work through your issues.
I know you're not a big fan of SAnon, but I love my group and the IRL support I get from them. I don't mind the religious stuff, I take what I need and leave the rest. There is a reading in our book "Reflections of Hope" and if I can find it, I will post what page it's on. But the take away is that when or if it is time to make a change in your marital status, your Higher Power will tell you. I don't know yet who or what my HP is, but I take that to mean, when it is time and you are ready, you will know.
If you aren't there yet, it's okay. There is no shame in it.
In my head, I know it makes sense to leave my husband and that is what my sister wishes I would do. But at the end of the day, my sister isn't living in my marriage and I'm not ready to give it up.
I get it. I think we all do. I apologize if I made it sound otherwise. I'm pulling for YOU.

DogsnBooks posted 8/25/2018 18:50 PM

Thank you both. Neither of you were giving me a hard time at all - just a gentle push to admit what I already knew. I do keep hiding behind the ďreasonĒ of money, because it feels easier than admitting that I DO want things to work out. I donít know why I feel such shame about that. I guess it feels like I therefore must not value myself, if I am still willing to stay with him, after everything.

Thankfully yes, the new house is a 3bed so we can do an in-house separation. We have already discussed too that he can go back to his brothers and he will still pay part of our rent, whether he stays away for a week or a month or indefinitely. That was his idea, actually.

I am going to keep attending S-Anon. Take what you will and leave the rest, right?

On a completely selfish note, I REALLY hope things stabilize soon because the new house has a yard and we can get a dog. But Iím not holding my breath for that. And I refuse to bring an innocent pup into this chaotic household. But I reeeaally want a dog. (It is in my name, after all! )

[This message edited by DogsnBooks at 6:52 PM, August 25th (Saturday)]

Lionne posted 8/25/2018 20:17 PM

You know, imo, part of what keeps us from leaving as soon as we discovered that ugly side of our partners, besides what foo issues we may bring, is the knowledge that these are truly SICK people, not evil people. I mean, really, who wants to live in that sordid world, and in a life that is completely dishonest? Some make their way back to sanity. Sometimes our lives can resume in a direction similar to that we had before things went crazy.
But, to stay with an active addict is, imo, self destructive and damaging to any kids involved.
And again, this is an intensely personal decision.

Ifeelalone posted 8/25/2018 20:31 PM

Dogs,
I stayed with my SA husband... I can't believe I did- I have a strong personality. I think having small kids at home- and not wanting to uproot their lives again made a big part of my decision during the crisis.

Even thought we have plenty of money, and I can support myself and my children without him, I still have a small stash of cash saved as fuck you money. Every month or so I squirrel away 20 dollars and save my xmas money from my grandma. It is pennies to what we have saved, but it's mine... and I can use it to hire an attorney, or a deposit on an apt, or a PI without him knowing... and it makes me feel like I have a little control over something.

Start small, save 5 dollars a week in your sock drawer and if you need money- someday you'll have it... and if you never need it- you can take a vacation.

We are all here with you. Seriously, consider whether you want to bring children into this chaos. They are expensive and if you're like me at all- you're anxious.

Good luck, love and hugs.

JadeC posted 8/25/2018 21:25 PM

I wanted to post in regards to the concept of a "Higher Power."
My husband and I both attended a SA/SAnon Intergroup retreat today and one of the breakout sessions was "What is Your Higher Power?"
To summarize a few points, SA/SAnon allows you to define your HP as the "God of your understanding" The important words here are "of your understanding." Basically, you can more or less choose what inspires or empowers you. It doesn't have to be some religious nebulous entity that you never see or hear. Some people choose Nature as their HP. Some people look to their group to be their HP. (I learned today, from AA...G.O.D.=this Group Of Drunks.
If that helps any with the religious tone some people get from the group...
I also want to add, for Dogs...I think some people on here see your age and situation (No house or kids) and are looking at it through the lens of their own situation and wishing they could be where you are. I would imagine a divorce with no children or property would be simpler (in process, not emotions), than when you have those encumbrances. So please do think long and hard about adding either of those to the mix. Children of addicts of any kind are very likely to become addicts themselves, so there is that to consider. My son is 17 and I know he already struggles with porn.
Continue with your SAnon. Get your sponsor if there is one available (I just got mine today and I'm almost two years into the group. There is no one in my group who has worked all 12 steps, so I found a sponsor in a group from another town, that I just met today.) Work the 12 steps for yourself. Let your husband do his own work. Hopefully, you will both come out on the other side in a much better place.

Lionne posted 8/26/2018 02:21 AM

GOD=good orderly direction. There's a secular version of twelve steps. This page might be useful.


https://weagnosticsaa.org/12-steps-of-alcoholics-anonymous/

My alcoholic son's original HP was the professional group to which he was accountable. As a spouse, my hp was/is ME, being faithful to my self and treating myself with respect, standing up for me and refusing to accept poor treatment.

ashestophoenix posted 8/26/2018 09:11 AM

GOD is DOG spelled backwards. Our higher power can be anything for each of us. I like that.

Jade, good point. I dearly wish I had divorced my husband 30 years ago. I've forgiven myself for marrying him, but not for staying with him. I could have left him for just being so unavailable and sexually remote and a critical, controlling jerk without even knowing about the SA. I so dearly wish I had done that. But I didn't. I went to therapy, with women therapists (!!!) who I needed to help me with sorting out that I was really in a toxic relationship. They didn't. I don't know why. My current therapists are astounded. The message I got was I HAD to make my marriage work because.... I don't know why. Anyway, I wish someone would have helped me see the light and helped me leave back when I was younger.

ashestophoenix

Hardroadout posted 8/26/2018 12:47 PM

Lurker on this thread but wanted to chime in.

My WS is SA/ASD and who knows what else.

I'd give anything to go back and leave. I am now 20 years in, with entangled lives, finances, families, and, worst of all, children. How's does that sound that my children are the worst? There's no good way to have children with these people. They are my greatest gifts but they are also the chains that bind me to him, forever.

DogsnBooks posted 8/26/2018 19:45 PM

Thank you @Lionne for the secular 12 steps, thatís helpful.

And no, we are not considering have children. Maybe not ever, but certainly not for a long, long time. Thatís at least one thing we are both in agreement on. Even the addiction aside, we wouldnít want kids for quite some time.

Lavender0916 posted 8/28/2018 22:49 PM

I am in the D process and straw that broke this camel's back was the lying. Trying to convince me he was at work with pictures of a clock from the PARKING LOT! Even yelling at me how dare I accuse him of being at the bar with his whorina. His covert ops was getting worse and worse. I know my situation is different because he is taking all this shit to the grave and never admitting to any of it AND recovery with SA-Anon was never in the cards.

I gave it two years of rugsweeping. I am done. The hard part now is getting him out of the house ( no fault state) and him introducing the kids to whorina.

Thanks for posting that HardRoad about kids. I really worry about my DS and how he might be following in dad's footsteps. He is in ic now.

Twentyplus posted 8/29/2018 20:40 PM

Dogs, I am sorry that immediately after posting my blunt advice, I did not elaborate and interact in further posts. I caught a cold the next day and just came back.

I do understand everything you say, even tho I do not know you personally. My first of many d-days was New Year's Eve 2010. I still can't even look at Veuve Cliquot champagne bottles. For the next five years, I endured a dozen largely useless his-mine-ours therapists, trickle truth by the boatload, and struggled like a fish in a net with being very financially dependent and entwined with my fractured husband. I struggled with PTSD, uncontrollable rage, mental chaos, overspending, physical dysfunction. Very long road.

If I had known in January 2011 what my life would be, both pro and con, in August 2018, I would have walked away from being married no matter the difficulty and cost. I say this even though my husband has been sexually sober since summer of 2011, attends SAA regularly, sponsors other men, etc. With a dearth of local resources, I started a weekly support circle for SA partners in my city 4.5 years ago which is loosely based on the posarc.com meeting guidelines (which are loosely based on SAnon guidelines). The CSAT's refer to us. I have made some wonderful friends doing this and highly recommend creating your own support group for those who need more IRL support. Also importantly, I am an alcoholic who walked away from the wine world when the discovery blow-up happened. I changed many social relationships that had been based around alcohol. I am 7.5 yrs sober and attend AA meetings, mostly women's meetings, 2 or more times per week. During recovery, I have sought and connected with the maternal side of my birth family across the country (adopted as a baby).

All good, all of that. But, a big-ass but, I am still living without true intimacy and physical or emotional connection, something that I convinced myself would be attainable through our addiction recovery and self study effort. I just spent 5 weeks alone at home while my husband pursued high risk mountaineering and sailing adventures in Europe. Me & the cats, home alone, perfectly calm and happy. Then, within 24 hrs of returning home my husband was snotty and derisive to me over absolutely nothing. "Defensive" he calls it. Justified, you know, because he is a victim and he has jet lag.

In summary, my husband is not mentally or morally equipped to be a good and satisfying relationship partner. In my observation, most SAs are not. They are very much still children and profoundly resistant to inter-relational responsibility.

We will sell our house in the next year or so and downsize, and I "we will see" then if I still feel as I do today.

Good luck to you!

veryhurt2018 posted 8/31/2018 10:24 AM

Twentyplus, I'm sad sad to hear that you wished you would have left in 2011 even though your WH is sexually sober. I'm just beginning this process (3 months since DD) and I hope to get through it as I love my WH very dearly. I hope you find peace with your life and can be happy.

Since my DD (5/9/18), I/we have made a lot of progress, but its costing us an arm and a leg to get there. I think we've spent $20K on therapy etc. and that's killing our bank account. All worth it though if we get through this married. Actually, I think it's even worth if if we don't stay married because we have to get through it either way.

WH just wrote me a letter and read it to me last night that he wrote with his therapist that was a big step for him. It was taking the "blame" off of me (which he kept doing) and putting it on him, finally. He admitted that he had an addiction, which is the first time he has said that. For us, I discovered his problem very early on, so I'm hoping because of that, he can recover quicker and stop damaging our relationship. My fear is the issue of relapse. It will be hard for him, as I'm the one that does the finances, and now I monitor the cash very, and only give him a certain amount, of which he has to bring receipts to get more, that will be hard to relapse. What are your experiences with this?

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