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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 18

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demolishedinside posted 10/26/2018 04:36 AM

Iím 99% sure Iím filing. He met an ex coworker at Starbucks. It seems this 20something woman has been pursuing him at work and offering bjs. Heís been shutting her down but Iím still back on why sheíd b comfortable enough to do that. They met, there were bjs and other things done. Here I am...I quit my job because we are in the process of moving to Florida. Iím completely dependent on him for money. We signed a year lease down there. He did this two days before leaving, after 3 1/2 years with no behavior issues. Perhaps I missed then all.

The girl messaged me on Tuesday to let me know, along with sharing their email exchanges. Graphic , of course. Iím here trying to finish my last week of work, pack, and take care of the kids. I need to know how to find a good lawyer. I also need to know how to get to anger because this hurt and pain is awful and keeping me from packing and focusing on whatís next. It appears Iíll be living with him while down there so I could use tips on that. I donít think he thinks that Iíll go. I see no way to keep going.

DogsnBooks posted 10/26/2018 11:40 AM

Demolished So sorry to hear that, thatís awful. Definitely call a lawyer TODAY and figure out what your options are. I donít think you should have to move to Florida with him if you can help it. Do you have any family or friends in your current city that you could stay with for a bit while you figure things out?

FrostedSoul posted 10/26/2018 12:50 PM

My WH has been going to SAA meetings for almost a year now. I have noticed a pattern that when he comes home after the meeting, he is very randy/horny.
He'd come home and then go and masturbate.
I sat him down two weeks ago and discussed with him that fact that I've noticed this pattern and I find it creepy and disturbing. I asked him why he does this and the only thing my WS could say is that he felt good. That's it.
I tell him that the behaviour troubles me and I don't like it.
This week, he comes home and instead of masturbating, he starts trying to grope me.
Again I reiterated to him that I find this behaviour disturbing. He says he understands.
I said to him that he said the same thing the last time we talked, but the behaviour continued.
He says it didn't. That he stopped masturbating after meetings.
I asked him to explain to me how masturbating and shoving his hand down my pants are separate behaviours. He said he couldn't because they aren't and he's sorry and understands now.
Has anyone else dealt with this? Has their SO given them any explanation as to why they might behave this way after a meeting?

Lionne posted 10/26/2018 23:01 PM

He may be attending SAA meetings but he's far from sober. As a matter of fact, he's using the meetings as a ritual to continue his acting out.

Masturbation is verboten at least in the early stages of recovery. Some groups advocate 90 day abstinence from any sexual activity.

He's not sober and is in no way working a program.

My boundary was to work the program for real or I was gone. Living with an active addict (your husband) is soul crushing. I wouldn't do it in a million years.

Lionne posted 10/26/2018 23:08 PM

Demolished, I'm so, so, sorry. I hate to say this but I suspected he hadn't been honest with you although I didn't know he was still an active addict.

You can find a silver lining here. You had grown to hate your job, or at least your boss. Florida is in need of teachers, and I suspect LMSs too. Be picky, find a place that suits you. You had little family support, now you'll be closer to family who can help.

He's not done the work, he's not doing the work. Maybe the move will motivate him to do it, maybe not, it's out of your control. Bide your time, get your ducks in a row, including consultation with lawyers in both states, get a job and set aside money here and there to tide you over.

He sleeps in a different room even if it means you have to make a nook for yourself in the living room. DO the 180 hard, to help you detach and begin looking to a life without an addict.

It will be hard days. There is a reason we say "one day at a time,"

Post here, email me, text me, whatever you need. But get some RL support, tell your family.

Hugs and Light

Cookienomore2 posted 10/27/2018 14:40 PM

Iím new, married to a sex addict twice..his addiction spans probably forty years . Now in a contractor job in a location prostitution legal all do at this place .where do I begin, heís in denial it went all genres. I need a shoulder, advice, heís so callous. Addiction over family.

Lionne posted 10/27/2018 21:48 PM

Cookie...this post will contain a bunch of slogans, all true.

You can tell an addict is lying when his mouth is moving.
You can't control an addict, you can only control your reaction to him.
One day at a time.

Heal yourself. Decide what you want. Know that staying with an active addict is soul crushing, damages families. Even if the extent of the addiction isn't known. I know separation is scary. Take your time.

There are a bunch of resources on the first page of this thread.
It's a lot. I STRONGLY suggest you read at least the book by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means, YOUR SEXUALLY ADDICTED SPOUSE. Then read other stuff, and think about getting to a support group for partners.
If he's been doing this for 40 years it's likely that you are close to my age. My husband started with compulsive masturbation at age 9, acted out for most of our marriage. He's been sober for nine years. But he chose sobriety and recovery. It's true I promised him I'd leave if he didn't do the (HARD) 12 step work, but it was up to him to decide to change for HIMSELF.
I'm sorry you are here. This addiction is just horrible. But YOU can survive.
Post often. There are amazing people here with wisdom and compassion.

Cookienomore2 posted 10/28/2018 04:52 AM

Thanks, being heard, and realizing how common this is helps. Itís saddens me .Ive taken all this so hard as were at the doorstep of divorce . Heís narcissistic, the treatment has been immense, taken a toll. I wish we had battle buddies per se here. You know long timers that made it to the other side and itís so hard we donít get messages ,if replies, to the post.I am posting so much as my only support. Thank you I will get the book. Yes, one started early is it an element to his other bizarre behaviors I donít know.....Iíve got to heal me. Iíve laid down and taken this for years...lies of sobriety. I get addiction as literally counseled in it but when your life and so much other added to it. It has stopped me in my tracks and Iíve blamed myself, put on my war face to fight for family wrongly as it destroyed me. Literally destroyed me
I have to get me back..heís already started today...I sadly asked for apology.of course not my punishment.

DestroyedWife80 posted 10/29/2018 23:21 PM

Need insight from experienced partners of SA.

Ok- I don't kid myself into thinking WH is telling me the truth when he says he only called escorts or massage places. I am not dumb. I 100% believe he has cheated physically.

However, I have discovered that about 50% of his encounters involve seemingly LEGIT massage therapists. you think that, even though legit, are giving him extras? Or does he also get off on a woman touching him, even if nothing sexual happens? Maybe trying to manage his addiction by substituting a legitimate activity that is similar???

I swear- my mind is spinning from a thousand different questions- but I do find this revelation puzzling and wondered if someone can shed light.

[This message edited by DestroyedWife80 at 11:26 PM, October 29th (Monday)]

Lionne posted 10/30/2018 12:33 PM

It's all possible. Addicts find many creative ways to get their fix from voyeurism, scanning and fantasizing, porn and compulsive masturbating.
The ONLY universal truth about addicts is that the partner/family had NO CONTROL and has to deal with their own healing.
I'm sorry you are spinning. Addiction is crazy making.

Shocked123 posted 10/31/2018 08:18 AM

Destroyed wife,
There was a story in a local paper recently of a legit massage therapist coming back in the room after a massage and the man was masturbating. It's possible your husband works up to this then takes care of himself right after.
The massage therapist in this case called the police and the man was arrested for indecent exposure.
There are also rumous of a "legit" massage establishment in our area that does provide happy endings if you know which therpaist to choose.
There really is no way to know what's going on in those rooms, is there?

DogsnBooks posted 11/1/2018 18:16 PM

I donít know how this works here but would someone be able to PM me? I just had a MC session and my husband disclosed fully about his childhood stuff with his nephew and the dogs. And I am just sitting here crying and having a panic attack and I think I have to leave him.

marji posted 11/1/2018 19:10 PM

Dogs You are a strong and smart and very super person. I've been following your posts and your journey/story since you got aboard. That's how I have that impression.

So sorry you are hearing such awful things concerning your H but as we've all said many times and over and over again, you are very young. You have no children. You can change gears. It may not be easy and very far from what you wanted when you married but you have the choice and if you decide to exercise it, you have the power.

And regarding PMing you have more than the 50 posts that allow us to PM SI members so please don't hesitate to PM anyone you'd like.

JadeC posted 11/1/2018 22:12 PM

Hi, Dogs...I am so sorry for what you are going through.
Is there any way for you to go away somewhere to be away from him for awhile to figure things out?
I don't know how much help I can be, but I do think you need to start thinking about what is safe for you (and I don't mean just physically). It sounds like your husband has some very, very serious issues to work through, and he needs to do that on his own. This is not your responsibility!
Do you have an SAnon sponsor that you can contact? Or a phone list with some numbers to call? If not, please PM me. I can listen.

ashestophoenix posted 11/2/2018 07:38 AM

Dogs, so painful what you are going through. I remember the panic I felt at various times when I finally started discovering what my husband did in his secret life. There are the fantasies and then the actual behaviors. I was shocked by some of the things I heard. I was deeply traumatized as well. My reaction was to either panic or shut down. Both of these reactions, while understandable, didn't help me.

The hardest things I heard, and there were many, occurred about six months to a year or more after D-day. So, gently, I want you to know you may hear more.

So the drip, drip, drip of disclosure made things much worse. Initially, after discovery of my husband's porn, I was desperate to hear of marriage success stories for people like us. Here is the painful truth: there are success stories, but they came after a long, hard road and they are NOT the marriages that partners really, truly wanted. This is a painful reality.

I have also never found a partner who said "I am so glad that my spouse was a sex addict. It's great how this made us so close." I have never, ever heard anything like this.

After what I know now, I would never have married my husband. Honestly, I wouldn't have had lunch with him. And my husband is in sincere recovery working very hard on becoming a better human being. It is very, very slow work.

I so dearly wish I had divorced my husband when I was younger. The painful reality is my self esteem was already pummeled and reduced and my shame and fear prevented me from divorcing. Low self esteem, shame and fear STILL make divorcing difficult but after decades with my husband pre discovery, my issues are so much worse. Please know this. The longer I stayed, the more wounded I became.

What you have heard is devastating, traumatic and serious. I agree that a therapeutic separation is an excellent idea just to give you a safe space to breathe. Even if it is hard, I believe you will feel a bit better. Do you believe your MC has the qualifications and experience to handle this situation? Can you not trust your IC to help you? If not, I strongly encourage you to seek a different counselor who can help you with the difficulties you are facing.


[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 7:42 AM, November 2nd (Friday)]

DogsnBooks posted 11/2/2018 14:07 PM

I donít know what to do or where I would even go. I canít afford our current houseís rent by myself - I canít even afford a tiny studio apartment. (And we make about the same amount so not like I would be looking for money from him.) No friends who could be potential roommates and no family in the area.

The though crossed my mind that I could go back and live with my parents - Iím sure theyíd welcome me - but that would mean moving from Ohio to North Carolina. And also my dad is pretty toxic and verbally abusive (physically, a few times) although less-so now than when I was younger. But still not really a great plan.

Iím so lost.

marji posted 11/2/2018 22:14 PM

Dogs, roommates don't have to be friends. If you have your own place you can check out roommate possibilities. Do you live near a college? Students often want to live off campus. If you don't live near such a source of possible roommates can you relocate to such a place?

Are you working with a counselor who might be able to provide practical guidance? If not are you near any social service organization that might be of assistance? There are social work counselors in hospitals, school, religious centers, Y's, etc. Do you have any other family, cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings that might be of help?

If you are not living near any possible resource center or at least within an hours drive, can you possibly relocate? Can your parents help you financially to at least relocate? No need to answer any of these questions here but hope you are asking of yourself.

Somber posted 11/4/2018 06:14 AM

39 pages on this thread...on one hand it is depressing and on the other comforting! Iím not even sure what to share at this moment but I have read and relate to many posts on here. I just wanted to say that you have another member to this painful group. I occasionally read, relate but find it to difficult to share more at this point than I shared as a newbie already. What I keep repeating in my mind is one of you recently said ďthe longer I stay, the worse I feel.Ē I feel the same way and keep wondering if there truly is any hope in my marriage or if I should run the other way as fast as I can and only have contact in regards to our children.
The other quote that repeats in my head is ďstaying with an addict is soul crushing!Ē I feel this so deeply. I was one of the happiest sweetest girls I even knew. Now I am only a fake act to that person hiding the true darkness and sadness I feel. Very few people know my real pain but it certainly isnít known by many. I share my WH alcoholism with other people but not this hurts too much and I know I would be adviced to leave ASAP. Although I want to, the stability of our family home and staying together as a family for our kids clouds my decisions...I stay until I find strength to do anything else.

ashestophoenix posted 11/4/2018 07:42 AM

Somber, I have said "the longer I stayed, the more wounded I became." But this was prior to discovery. After discovery and after I got into individual therapy, my husband can no longer wound me the way he used to. He still can hurt me, no doubt about that, but I have boundaries now that I didn't use to. Also, my husband is sincerely working on recovery and becoming a decent human being, it's just very, very slow.

Now, the longer I stay with a recovering man the longer time slips away. But at this point my staying is more about my issues with leaving. There is nothing wrong with staying for financial, health or family stability. I'm staying for access to health insurance and financial stability.

And I agree with you. I tell very few people about my husband's addictions since it's just not well understood or accepted. There's so much judgment around it, both about him and about me. The few friends I have told struggle with contempt or pity about my staying, and that has been very painful. The problem in not talking about it, as we all know, is how isolated we can become and in that isolation despair and shame can grow. So it is critical for me to post to these boards and attend individual therapy. I know others have benefited from SANON or other ANON groups.


Somber posted 11/4/2018 10:47 AM

Ashestophoenix thank you for your reply. I feel less alone reading this thread but deeply sickened at how common this problem is. I am feeling more wounded after discovery, perhaps because I am unsure of my WH remorse or understanding of the pain he has caused. Likely also due to trickle truth hell that I have endured for our 9 year marriage.
As we waited for MC and both did some IC, I found him sexting a mom around the corner from where we live.. The affair was around the corner in another direction. I suspect a relationship of some sort happened with another women On our street... So no matter what direction I go after I leave my house I am haunted with triggers. Each day I pick my elementary school kids up from school, I see 2 of these women and am crushed with sorrow. Then all the things I donít know and suspect shatter my hopes and dreams. Trust has been depleted and never fully restored over the years due to gaslighting, trickle truths, false remorse and reconciliation.

Now his drinking has become a priority concern and certainly what he blames everything on. He has admitted to a Ďlust addictioní and drinking problem while in MC. We went to MC a week or so ago. I admitted then that I thought it was premature at best and that we both needed IC first. Since then, I have done IC and attended one alanon group. He has hidden booze, back on instragram (sexting was found) and tip toeing around each other. All his empty promises are once again proven false with his actions. We went to MC 2 years ago for the same crap...nothing changed but I never enforced my boundaries either. I suppose I rugswept and tried to survive and hope for the best. I stopped looking for infidelities and as soon as I did there it was again!!
I am depleted of strength and hope!!! I never (as no one does) wanted a divorce. Not sure I could afford it either. I do however, note that I am more at peace and see clearer when he is gone. He works shift work so I get 24 hour breaks...but when he is home I am on egg shells and the fog drifts in.

I am a newbie and didnít want to keep adding to my thread on just found out...I felt like there are new people daily that need that space.

[This message edited by Somber at 11:07 AM, November 4th (Sunday)]

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