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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 18

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marji posted 11/14/2018 16:32 PM

Thank you for sharing another good resource, Lionnne. Doubt it guarantees something merrier but surely the more helping resources we're aware of the better; the more resources we can try the better all our chances for recovery.

DestroyedWife80 posted 11/16/2018 13:45 PM

I have been absolutely losing my MIND. The other night it rose to nearly unbearable levels of pain. It scared me. I considered things that are NOT at all consistent with my normal thought process. It was a warning- I NEED TO GET HELP! Effective and specialized help, specifically.

Things I am struggling with:

- Obviously the discovery of my WH secret life
- He denies all and gaslights x100
- Any mention of being upset/sad/angry or discussion of infidelity sets off an intense attack by him, I keep all of my thoughts and feelings hidden
- Through intense spying efforts I have discovered he is still acting out (even with a GPS on his phone & me accessing his phone/ipad/facebook)
- All of my resources (therapist, books, etc) are based on 'standard' affairs & while I find some help, it misses the mark on a lot of things partners of SA are experiencing

So...someone (and I am so sorry I forget who!) mentioned a podcast by Marnie Breecker. She specializes in treating partners of SA's. WOW! Listened to it and every tiny bit of it fit me like a glove. She is, sadly, in CA (and I'm in FL). I spoke with her on the phone after emailing her (such a warm, amazing SWEET woman who GETS IT!!!). She did refer me to APSATS (Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists). From there I find a provider in my area that has a certification through them. It is 150$ a session and I am going to do it. I am (not!) sorry, but if he can spend 160$ an hour on hookers, I can spend 150$ for a therapist I need to go to BECAUSE he used hookers.

I am also listening to a podcast series by Betrayal Recovery Radio, it has been very helpful.

And I have read "Sex Addiction: The Partners Perspective" by Paula Hall (some helpful now, some won't be helpful until a later date when I am ready for those stages) and I am going to buy "You Sexually Addicted Spouse" by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means.

I have to say, narrowing things in and finding specialized care is REALLY important to me.

[This message edited by DestroyedWife80 at 1:46 PM, November 16th (Friday)]

marji posted 11/16/2018 15:10 PM

Destroyed So glad you haven't lost your mind completely so were able to access Marnie Bleecker's pod casts and went further, contacted her and found an APSATS therapist where you live. And so if loosing your mind moved you to get to a better place and to gaining your IRL support team then here's to mind loss.

But seriously, you're doing really good in taking steps toward healing from the trauma. And you will.

Not sure if you've already seen there, but thanks to Lionne, there is an excellent resource listing on page one of this group; I especially found the Robert Weiss book and the Omar Minwalla article helpful.

Also, you might find it helpful to join a support group even if it's by phone and or FT. Members tend to be very kind and very helpful and the stated tool kit includes the telephone. It can be very helpful to know that we can call a member, mentor, sponsor. It is very liberating to meet with people who understand.

Lionne posted 11/16/2018 19:21 PM

I'm glad you've found resources. Wild you mind PMing me those, the book and the podcast? I'll forget the names and that list of resources on our first page is out of date. I'll add them the next time around.

Lionne posted 11/16/2018 21:29 PM

It occurs to me that the first page is woefully out of date. When I started out there were only three books directed towards partners, now there are many. I haven't read the newer ones, but you all may have.

I'm also feeling that the wall of text may just be overwhelming to newbies. I know I devoured everything I could find. But I'm awful wordy, I bet you noticed that!

We have ten pages before it needs updating. Anyone want to take over the editing?

DestroyedWife80 posted 11/17/2018 10:37 AM

I would love to try! I can work on it and send it to you for a look I went to school for writing and I tend to be good at organizing things in a written format!

Cookienomore2 posted 11/22/2018 15:08 PM

Iím new finall admitting my narc , sawh has escalated too much? Working in a country prostitution is legal, womenís rights few. Iím here, he lives there. Iím losing my mind with so much, itís effecting my health. Where do I begin as heís in total denial, even with proof. Can someone pm , I donít know how to fight this battle

Smjsome1 posted 11/27/2018 16:11 PM

Does your SA lack a sense of humor? Mine sure does.

Any possible theories? Iím beginning to think if itís not or wasnít about him, he wasnít interested, and no one HAD better EVER have made a joke about him.

Yes getting better, thatís why Iíve noticed

Lionne posted 11/27/2018 17:50 PM

My husband acts somewhat "aspergery," he doesn't get many jokes, doesn't understand sarcasm, when there is general laughter he feels deep down that people are laughing at him. Insecurities are a big part of it.
He and I used to laugh a lot in the early days. As his illness progressed his laughter stopped. At least with me.
He has scolded me for cracking jokes with our kids. I can be sarcastic, love to make jokes with our kids, both of whom inherited my sense of humor.
I believe most addicts are insecure to the core and that's why humor is uncomfortable to them.

Smjsome1 posted 11/27/2018 18:18 PM

Sounds about right. Considering when he asked me to marry him one reason he gave is ďyou make me laugh!Ē

I think some of that is showing up.

But my triggers are crazy right now, here, him in our new place. We unloaded the last box and sat down exhausted, when I saw his secret hoarding stuff he was trying to hide. I swear the last day of our move was him pulling out stuff from his hoarding piles. I lost my cool, yelled a lot. It was supposed to be a ďnew beginningĒ and here he was hiding 2x4ís and broken lamps. His answer ďI got rid of a lotĒ.
He kept saying ďIíll get rid of itĒ and all I kept saying was ďyou just spent all this time moving trash!Ē

And .... our daughter and son in law calls ... sheís in the hospital, please mom come! Sheís pregnant. So I straight away went to airport.

Now I feel like heís living the bachelor life in his new townhome with the dog walking trail, flirting while he walks the dog. My new home wonít be new when I get home.

And as soon as I arrived my daughter calmed and got better. Iím glad for that.

Iím aware Iím over triggering, but all the deception selfishness and lies are just mind twisting

Lionne posted 11/27/2018 20:28 PM

I actually have thought a lot about this. He's the only one that didn't laugh at my jokes. It was almost as though laughter would somehow validate me, make me more important than he he wanted me to be. It's a vulnerability, isn't it, to laugh at someone? It gives them power over the laugher, or does in the mind of the dysfunctional person. Oddly, when we were out in public, at parties with his coworkers, or others that he choose, and I made friends, had pleasant conversations, and made a good impression on these people, he would treat me far better for a few days. It was as though he saw others that valued me and so, he valued me. None of this was deliberate or conscious. It was his crazy thinking.
He's so much better now. He still doesn't "get" many jokes, or can't hear them but when he does, he is amused. And can joke himself. That had disappeared for a long time.
I've met your husband. He is scared to death of losing you.
I'm sorry you are triggering at a time you should be joyful. I do think you are overreacting but that's your prerogative.

Smjsome1 posted 11/28/2018 09:06 AM

Yes, my husband liked me better too when others showed an interest in me. Weird.

I know Iím over triggered. I know Iím waiting for the next lie. talking to my IC via email a lot. She reminds me I canít control him I can only control what I do if he is lying.

Ugh. Easier said.

Hope all of you are doing well as can

Baby still not coming out, contractions and such still slowly moving along.

ashestophoenix posted 11/28/2018 09:28 AM

That's interesting about their sense of humor. When I first met my husband, he did have a sense of humor that we shared. I had and have a better sense of humor than he does. But, over time, his humor eroded as his addiction deepened.

And, looking back, I think some of it was real, but some of it was fake...a performance. He was always trying to get people to love/admire/desire him. And he was usually playing some role.

Smj, one of the things that helped me early on was when I accepted that my husband probably WAS acting out. I had to release myself from being consumed by his addiction and somehow behaving in a way (being with him, not traveling) to stop it. But I can't stop it. Only he can. Once I accepted this awful reality, the question became what was I going to do about it. What were my boundaries. That was hard, so I first focused on doing things that made me feel better. I really took care of myself. That helped.

They have to get in an active recovery program. They have to demonstrate progress in their behavior that is consistent. They have to become adult and develop responsibility and integrity. When I finally got enough distance from my husband and focused on myself, he came into clearer focus. He was really an aggrieved, entitled four year old in an adult man's body who raged away and acted out. I really needed to see how deeply immature he was.

I would add in I had to see how deeply sexist my husband was. I had to see the ideas he held about women and girls which he denies to this day. Heck, it's part of our culture.

So I believe my husband is now sober. I don't believe he has looked at his sexism and lack of respect for women and girls. I do believe he is starting to look at his early trauma which has prevented him from being in authentic relationships with anyone, including himself.

So it's a big toxic mix: sexism, patriarchal entitlement, early trauma, tremendous immaturity, low self esteem, and destructive addiction. He's got to fix this. I can't. Releasing myself from fixing him has been the best thing I have done for myself.

Now I have to focus on healing me from the tragic decades with my husband. I'm doing that. It's hard work, and it's slow, but I am healing.


Smjsome1 posted 11/28/2018 14:50 PM

Iíve reached fixing me, canít fix him. The ďitís his jobĒ

But - Iím constsntly wondering if heís playing me, is he lying. Part of this is the lies he continued to tell while telling me he wasnít, while I was sure he was. Also each time Iíve visited my daughter some new lie came out. So - Iím waiting to be hurt again.

I actually have nothing I think is wrong, Iíve just been hurt so much this last year and a half Iím used to being hurt. A bit like my stepfather hurting me as a child and constantly being on edge waiting for him to lose his crap and hit me because a butterfly floated by.

It doesnít help that heís slowly become the better person, someone I like. I was prepared to leave, now I really donít want to and the disappointment if he is lying it will just be devastating.

My IC says baby steps, 6 mos ago Iíd have been a wreck. Now Iím just hyper aware and still playing with the boys. And eating !! Go me. Not hiding in bed with my friends the Pillow People in our Blanket Town. And, if heís triggering me too much I just text ďnoĒ. And he leaves me alone, mostly.

Iím getting there slowly

bluetears posted 11/28/2018 20:19 PM

Holy Crap! I could have wrote what you did Destroyedwife80! And Lionne! Wow, you hit so much right on the head! (no pun intended)

My WH has NO sense of humor! I am the funny one in our marriage and make him laugh a lot! He also doesn't "get jokes" most of time. He has no friends. Seriously, I am his only friend. I know that for sure. I try to introduce him to some of my guy friends but no matter what they say....He has done it "better, bigger, longer, stronger, farther..." Well, you get it. It's embarrassing!

However, he is a huge man and actually a very nice guy. 6'4" and 300 lbs and mostly muscle with a huge heart (I thought) I notice some other men like to be his "friend" mostly because he is there as a bouncer type maybe? But, I can tell he irritates them and they end up walking away.

Anyway, he is very insecure and very immature! It sounds like this is very common in the men we are married to. I think mine would rather have sex with himself with nasty porn or hookers rather than me. I will some day understand. Hopefully!

P.S. I have read these books that have helped me understand him and me: They were pretty good.

Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal
The Porn Addicts Wife
After a Good Man Cheats
The Porn Pandemic

You have no idea how happy I am to have found this site. You are all great! I'm not alone!

[This message edited by bluetears at 8:50 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Cephastion posted 11/29/2018 10:42 AM

Double post

[This message edited by Cephastion at 10:48 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

Cephastion posted 11/29/2018 10:47 AM

Anyway, he is very insecure and very immature! It sounds like this is very common in the men we are married to. I think mine would rather have sex with himself with nasty porn or hookers rather than me. I will some day understand. Hopefully!

(Cephastion knocks on the clubhouse door.. knock knock... Kinda hesitant like after seeing this sign...)

I couldn't help but notice the door was cracked open a bit to this group, and when I walked by, I couldn't help but "overhear" the above comment and another one about Marnie Breecker.

I guess I thought I'd chime in a bit. As to the first issue, my fWW said that she believes she chose total losers and NSA sex over the more meaningful and satisfying kind she had at home because she held me in a certain higher regard morally than herself and wanted something more peer level in her estimation.

Obviously, she had serious self esteem issues and insecurities herself, if that part didn't come thru clearly enough already.

I didn't understand her until I thought about it in an income/social circles bracket kind of way.

I am more comfy with middle class cars and incomes right around where I live than I am with filthy rich or ghetto poor folks and housing largely due to my familiarity and history and the kinds of standards i am most comfortable maintaining.

I guess the same principle was true for her as to what she felt she would feel "equal to or better than" where her own sense of self was compared up against her partners in crime.

Kinda like how people when accused of being evil will sometimes say, "at least I've never killed anybody or haven't...[insert random abomination that they happen to supposedly be innocent of]..."

Hopefully that helps others realize some of the motive for "affairing down" or just giving it away to the nearest farm animal or cumdumpster instead of making love like it's designed to be.

As for Marnie Breecker's podcasts on betrayal trauma, those links are mod approved since last year actually.

[This message edited by Cephastion at 11:10 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

bluetears posted 11/29/2018 15:59 PM

I listened to both podcasts today. Very good and on point! You cracked me up cephastion! "cumdumpster" ?! Never heard that before. That made me laugh!

Lionne posted 11/29/2018 18:56 PM

Cephastion, welcome. It's my opinion that female SAs are still in hiding. That there are many more out there. Since SA is often, not always, associated with CST, I'd be surprised if the numbers of women afflicted isn't much higher than reported.
Meetings are heavily male. Making them uncomfortable and/or triggering for sysgendered females. There are all women groups but few. It's also my experience that SA women fall more into the "love addiction" subset rather than the mindless, anonymous and sex and porn abuse than many men gravitate towards. Although clearly, love has nothing to do with it.
Please continue to post. It will be interesting to hear your experience and perspective, and hopefully we'll be able to help.
Hmmm. Beasts, marksmanship and survival. Sounds like you have talents to fight infidelity and addiction!
Bluetears, thanks for that info. I know our first page needs updating, and Destroyedwife offered to do some editing. Would you mind private messaging those resources to her?


[This message edited by Lionne at 7:01 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]

bluetears posted 11/29/2018 19:50 PM

I will Lionne.

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