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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 18

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DestroyedWife80 posted 12/16/2018 16:45 PM

Shocked-

How did you discover your H's cheating? Do you know how long this has been going on?

I suspected ABSOLUTELY nothing until I saw a message pop up on his phone, I asked ‘who is that’ and he told me it was the news app. I knew then he was lying and confirmed it over the next two or so weeks- ~6 regular women he was sexting/phone sex/video chat sex/invited to his hotels when traveling, etc. There were pages upon pages of searches for escorts in every city he traveled to as well as here. I was able to piece together phone calls he made to massage parlors/escorts, ATM withdraws in the areas, Waze (like Google Maps) address history- all of which pointed to a long term problem. He was doing this in the early weeks of our dating relationship. He did this all the way through dating, engagement and married life. He sexted them and invited them to his hotels while I was sleeping next to him- having begged him for sex that night and been turned down. I found massage searches and messages from 2012- but I am assuming the vast majority of which have been long since deleted and I am only finding crumbs. I also found some searches on ‘gay cruising’ and ‘gay bars’ and ‘trans escorts’. I turned into a legitimate Sherlock Holmes and have called, texted and spoken to these women. One confirmed he had been there- and I was so happy to finally get confirmation that I wasn’t going bat-shit crazy here.

How do you know he's an addict? Has he ever spoken to a therapist or CSAT?

I am using criteria and putting the puzzle pieces together on my own based on his actions, reactions and pattern of behaviors. My therapist agrees that he very much fits the bill. He flat out refuses to go to a therapist of any kind and denies he has an addiction- and denies he has ever been to a massage parlor or escort in his life. And refuses to answer ANY questions of mine whatsoever on that subject. He maintains he was curious and he only ever called those places and hung up.

Is your H able to explain how he will manage his triggers to do such things? Has he reassured you that he has no urges, no propulsion towards seeing any of these types of women again when he is stressed or whatever else was his excuse?

According to him all of this talk would be irrelevant because he doesn’t have triggers, urges, has never been with any of these women in his life. He has no excuse because he basically has only ever called those places out of curiosity and never ever went to any of them. Which is a very expensive habit- judging from the ~600$ a month that was being taken out less than a mile from these places right after he’d called them.

I'm asking you this because moving on with things is not a solution. Something deep inside you H made him do this.

I think that he has VERY VERY deep and troubling issues. I know moving on is a fantasy. I have even caught him acting out since discovery- and still more lies and hardcore denial- even in the face of facts. Deep down I feel like my marriage is hopeless because he won’t even admit to anything much less be willing to commit to doing the real, hard, ugly work. I am just leaving to decision open until I can heal myself enough to make a real decision.

Unless it is uncovered and dealt with, unfortunately there is a chance of it starting up again.

I know! I am just destroyed knowing it’s probably still ongoing.

This has been explained to me time and time again and it is the reason I have raked my H over the grills countless times over the past 8 months. I wil not let up until I either uncover enough to be satistifed that most of the truth has been unveiled or until the reason he did this is understood by both parties.
I also will never love him the same way, nor will I ever truly let my guard down again.

I think that is, unfortunately, reasonable at this point for us!!! So sad

I hope your H will start talking to you more and that you can find some answers. I know what it's like to walk around thinking why? All. day. long.

I know! I do the same- its mind-blowingly heartbreaking!

So sorry for you and your family.

Thank you! I SO value the help and compassion of every one who has been through this terrible soul crushing ordeal.

Shocked123 posted 12/16/2018 22:38 PM

Destoyedwife,
These activities have been going on for more than 12 years. I have proof from cell phone bills from 10 years ago and the first two he claims took place in China-but "only" 3-4 trips a year (who knows how many days in a row!),
Anyhow, I found out because we work togerther, my computer was not working, I went to his desk to use his and Craig's list caught my eye on his browser. He had forgotten to erase his history I guess. And there is was, countless clicks on massage ads. Once they are clicked on, the colour changes so I knew what he was looking at. I was completely shocked and did not know what to make of it.
Long story short, I also became a Sherlock Holmes and discovered that this was a long standing and frequent habit. I remained silent fo 10 weeks while i gathered evidence and saw two therapist to find out how to deal with the confrontation and make an appointment for him to begin therpay.
I then confronted him calmy over a dinner out. He admitted to 1 year, then 2, then 3 followed by 5, a little more tickle truth became 10 and oops, he forgot about China and we;re up to 12.
Claims only hand jobs and only two blow jobs over 12 years. OMG, it just kills me that he thinks I believe that.
I also suspected nothing. I whined and complained about our lack of sex life, no amount of seduction, losing weight, geting him drunk could ever interest him. I was in a sexless marriage for over 10 years. When I asked if he had a girlfriend he would answer no. In fact, he was not lying. I was simply not asking the right question. Did I think to ask, have you been seeing random women at massage parlours and their homes once a week for 12 years? NO!
Our MC who is the same person as his IC claims he's not an addict. She reassures us that because the behavior has extinguised itself and he has to urges to see any of these women, it was simply a pastime that helped calm him.
Um... isn't that an addiction?
I have tried over and over to bring this up to her and she always shuts me down. Your husband is not a sex addict. If he can stop the way he did then he isn't. He stopped because he saw the conswquence of his actions and that's enough to deter him from now on.
ANyone agree? I don't!
Your husband is in serious denial. What does he say he was doing when he was aroud these places and took money out of the ATM? Picking up fried chicken? When my H first tried to deny, just for a minute, I shut him down and said that someone had seen him in that area waliking into a building. It wasn't true but i knew he'd never ask her as it's his godchild. She works nearby so it made sense. He was deeply embarassed.
Have you looked at his location history on his phone? Have you looked at his activity tracker? I figured out a lot that way.
If you look to see his steps activity, you will see that there are none for the hour he is there. They don't wear their phone when they're getting a massage, right?
My H only went for the 30 minute treatments. He probably never even got a massage. It was all about the happy ending and who knows what else. He didn't need lots of foreplay I guess. Spend less, go more often was his motto I'm sure.
If you need help with the phone sleuthing, let me know. I'm pretty good at it now!
I think it would drive me crazy if my H had never fessed up. I mean, it's kind of a joke that you have al this proof and he won't admit it.
I hope he breaks one day and confesses. Otherwise, how can you possibly consider re-buiilding.
Do you have children? Are they young?
Ours are older now and they know nothing, at least I hope not.
Keep in touch and good luck.

Ifeelalone posted 12/17/2018 15:33 PM

I just wanted to address the comments about not knowing what they were up to. I think a lot (or at least in my circumstances) they had SA problems dating back to early adolescence and then we met them in early adulthood and they already had the bad coping skills and they were already acting out... we just didn't know, but they were doing it all along and so we didnt have the opportunity to notice anything had changed- because nothing had changed- They were always acting out. It wasn't until my SA life became so extreme and unmanageable that he started making mistakes in "acting out"... photos found on the cloud, bringing crazy strangers into our house that later blackmailed him... etc.

I was completely naive to the fact that people even engaged in the salacious activities that my SA did. I'm also extremely independent which is why marrying me and still acting out made me a perfect wife for someone who is a SA. Although I think my independence and ability to easily care for myself has made a zero tolerance of poor behavior completely understood- I'm actually surprised I've stuck around.

HalfTime2017 posted 12/17/2018 16:35 PM

Question for the SA crowd as I'm not familiar with it and traits, or ongoing issues. My EXWW's AP is a SA, according to his BS. His Uncle was also sent to prison for child pornography, and got a conviction.

Question for you all. I have two young daughters 6 and 9, that I am very nervous about having around this man. The law sucks, and won't do me any good. I cannot prevent him from being around my kids, and my EXWW of course doesn't believe any of this. She is his 3rd affair partner, but somehow she believes shes different. The legal system does nothing, because he has not done anything illegal to my children yet.

What can I do? I've spoken to my girls about strangers, and men touching them or putting them in awkward situations. outside of talking to my girls, what can I do.

I'd love your feedback

ashestophoenix posted 12/17/2018 19:12 PM

HalfTime, I'd be wary as well. I know you don't trust the legal system, but have you consulted a lawyer who specializes in children's rights? I'd also have a counselor available now for your daughters to talk with and for you to get advice from. I know you don't want to scare your daughters, but you want to keep your communication as open and trusting as possible with them. I'm truly sorry you are in this situation.

Shocked and Destroyed, they were addicts LONG before they met us. They developed the addiction in their childhood or teenage years. They were acting out before they met us, while they courted us, and after they married us. It has nothing to do with us. We are impacted by this awful addiction, but we had NOTHING to do with it. This is so critical to know.

They were experts at hiding it from people. Prior to discovery, I had marriage counseling with three different therapists; my husband had IC with three different therapists; and no one had a clue. I agree, it was only when he was so advanced in his addiction and spinning out of control that he was discovered. He was NOT going to stop on his own. He knows that and so do I. Remember this is truly an addiction. They will not stop until they have to after which they have to sincerely get that they are out of control and must stop.

And know they are masters at gaslighting.

I didn't have a clue why I stayed so long in a shitty marriage, but I did and after my own IC, I get it. I grieve my losses.

Destroyed, your husband is an addict. He's gaslighting you and he is not ready to give up his addiction. I agree, when they do this, the marriage is hopeless. It is now time to focus completely and solely on your well being.

I don't love my husband at all. I trust him more than I used to, but no where close enough to consider him a decent husband. I'm not even sure I like my husband. But he is easier to live with and he desperately wants to keep me. Honestly, I think he needs me but doesn't love me since I don't think he knows how to love anyone. He's that messed up. I have compassion for how screwed up he is, but honestly, I have more compassion for me.

I got to the point I realized I knew enough. I think we can say when they are addicts or not...really. Our stories have such similarities. I realize I may never know everything and at this point, I've stopped caring. I used to be so desperate to know. But it helped to move away to a new area and leave behind my old life. I lost so much and I grieve my losses, but it helped me to realize I didn't have to worry about who knew about my husband, who he acted out with, what people knew that I didn't.

When I was able to stop snooping, it was great. I realized the whole world of my husband literally made me sick. His distortion of sexuality and attraction and love was so ugly. I had enough of it. It helped me to focus on innocence and beauty. I played with my dogs, I spent time in nature, I went to art museums, I rediscovered some old interests. I did this without my husband. I felt cleaner and happier.

Now, it's awfully hard to go back to do anything with my husband. He's sober, but, yuck. I'm not all that worked up about that. I realize how sad that sounds. I grieve the loss of what I wanted in a husband and marriage. I don't grieve the loss of my husband and who he was with me. He needs to be a completely new man for me to have any interest in him. This took me four years to get here. It's been incredibly painful. But, I'm so much better than four years ago. The grief can still overwhelm me, but I no longer feel hostage to my husband's addiction.

It does get better for us. I will forever be scarred, unfortunately, but he will not destroy me. I'm working to move from surviving to thriving.

ashestophoenix

[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 7:17 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

Lionne posted 12/17/2018 19:16 PM

I've been on this site long enough to know that most SA parents are NOT denied access to their kids, even when there is evidence they are accessing porn when and where kids can see. I've read horror stories of people evaluated by professionals who confirmed mental illness and sexual activities that aren't the "norm" whatever that is. But the pedophile is most likely NOT permitted to be around kids. Have you check the Registered Sex Offenders list?

Sex addicts aren't automatically dangerous to kids. Even those who engage in sexual behavior that isn't "normal" for instance, heterosexual people who engage same sex affairs aren't necessarily gay, but seeking more extreme behaviors. Yes, it's possible to devolve into child rape or abuse, but that's not the rule.

Talk to your kids. Role play confrontation with someone who threatens them. Give them power.

Lionne posted 12/17/2018 19:23 PM

And on the subject of not knowing, yep, hand raised here. Some of it was head-in-the-sand behavior on my part. Some of it was his talent for lying, he'd been doing it all his life. And part of it was my naivety. I had to Google "lap dance." I was horrified.

My husband left clues for me to find. Not deliberately, but because he knew he was sick and, despite his animosity towards me, wanted me to fix it. I'm the fixer. That realization was one of the things that convinced me he was an addict.

bluetears posted 12/17/2018 19:48 PM

Shocked and Destroyed, I know pretty much what you are going through. Blind sided! I've changed my thinking that I was just "stupid". NO, I just trusted him! I never thought of checking phone records, bank statements, etc. ever! The way I found out was my cell phone quit charging. I got a new one and our provider screwed up and I started getting HIS searches and he was getting my Photos. Had no idea until I searched something and saw porn searches and "escorts near me". When I confronted him, he said, "I only look at their ads and naked pictures". And, "I jack off OK!"

Detective mode took over and OMG! He took out 3 back to back ATM withdrawals and then called me and said he was going to bed! Plus, I found who he was texting just before that! The proof was there and I found out a lot more! Not confronting yet. It will be a surprise!

Shocked - IMO, your IC is WRONG! There is something wrong with him, period!

"Claims only hand jobs and only two blow jobs over 12 years"

Well, duh! You don't believe that? Whatever! Mine was searching "threesome escorts". I'm sure he was "only curious" which is why he went to the ATM and got out another $200.00 after the original $240.00. (OUR MONEY)

Halftime2017 - I really do not think I have to worry about very young girls. I hope you don't either.

See my next post......


[This message edited by bluetears at 7:54 PM, December 17th (Monday)]

bluetears posted 12/17/2018 20:19 PM

Like I said, I guess I'm old school. I remember finding magazines hidden in our apt back in the day. We got married and the deal was he threw all of them away. I thought he was growing up and maturing and we were so happy! 20 years later, I find out about his on line porn. I forced myself to "look" at what he has been looking for at least the last 5/10 years. OMG! I wanted to throw up. Times have changed! Trust me, DO not search any of it! It's awful!

I guess I worry about what I have read in books and articles. They escalate to bigger and better porn to help them get off. I think now that it got boring which is why my WH finally searched for the "real thing", meaning escorts and massage parlors.

Help Lionne! When you try to R, does that mean I have to keep checking everything he does? I just don't know if I can do that the rest of my life. I'm just scared of everything right now.

Lionne posted 12/17/2018 21:31 PM

Blue, I checked forever. Until I didn't. Not that he couldn't have hidden things. I checked for me. I don't anymore-well, once in a while. I stopped when I saw real changes in him and felt more confident in me.
This is trauma. You check to try to avoid more trauma. It's self preservation. When you've processed that you won't need to check.

DestroyedWife80 posted 12/17/2018 23:52 PM

Shocked-
Listen- I am no professional. But I do consider myself to be very aware, worldly and well read. I 100% believe your WH is an addict. His actions scream “ADDICT!”.

My IC specializes in treating partners of sex addicts. She has incredible insights for me. One thing she asked me was “Did he become sexually anorexic with you?” Umm…OMG…how did she know?! Just like your WH. She says that these men cannot be physically intimate AND emotionally intimate with the same person. So, as soon as your emotional intimacy reaches a certain level, they will abandon you physically and begin acting out with women who have zero chance at developing into an emotional relationship- aka massage parlors and escorts. Most the time they never even get their real name. This made TOTAL sense for me because I am very much into ‘making love’. I like eye contact, kissing, lots of ‘I love you’s, it’s very much a spiritual/emotional encounter, building on your love for your mate. He will not make eye contact, very little kissing, doesn’t like face to face stuff, doesn’t say anything, doesn’t make noise and it’s very fast. Getting sex from him (for me) is like squeezing water from a stone.

I would DEFINITELY look into trying to find a counselor for yourself at least that is a member of APSATS, CSAT, someone who understands betrayal trauma, addiction. You will know when you find someone who really understands- it feels so right. They say things and it’s like checking off boxes- ‘yes! Omg yes! Definitely yes!’. I had two counselors before finding one I love. The first left much to be desired. The second was okay but admitted she did not know about addiction and seemed more like the nod your head and agree with me type.

My WH *is* in MEGA denial, I know this. He will essentially not answer any questions or talk about what happened- except that we ‘need to move forward and stop focusing on the past’. I know that is impossible.

I have gotten FAIRLY good at getting info from his iPhone- the biggest issue is that I only get about 5-10 min at a time alone with the phone. He has said the phone is open to me- but my issue is that I feel like if he sees me going through the phone it’s going to make him more careful about hiding things. I want him to relax and get sloppy. He uses a Garmin watch for activity tracking and I have not been successful at getting to that info. I welcome all the phone snooping tips you have- I know it sounds bad, but at least if I caught him red handed he would not be able to gaslight, deny, etc.

If he does not end up ‘breaking’ and going through with healthy recovery behaviors (I have a very specific list), I fear we are doomed. What I am preparing for now, more than anything, is getting to the point where I am strong enough to enforce that.
We do not have children in common. We began dating 2 years ago and were married in April of this year. We bought a house together in July and my D-Day was August 22.

[This message edited by DestroyedWife80 at 12:13 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 12/18/2018 00:12 AM

These men are so profoundly broken inside…they turn to the most perverse, disgusting behaviors to try and ‘get high’ off the adrenaline to forget about their brokenness. Even though I did not know he was a SA- I knew from the beginning WH was broken…and I wanted to love him out of that brokenness.

Now I know that is very disordered thinking- but the motivation behind it was so innocent and pure. It was nothing but love.

This is my second sex addict husband- although the first was very different; I also believe he was an addict. I am like a moth to a flame with these men and in the end, my desire to love profoundly broken people destroys me.
My hope is that through counseling and hard work I will never find myself in the grasp of one of these men again. You can’t save everyone. Not everyone is capable of being saved. Not everyone is in the stage where they would be able to accept help, sometimes they need to truly hit the bottom.

I so much appreciate being able to come here and read all of your ladies’ stories and advice and insight. I am so thankful for that light in this dark journey.

Ashes- I relate SO much to things you’ve written. The way their addiction makes you feel so filthy to even know about it. To know the man you live your life with participates in these acts. It’s hard not to get bogged down in all that negativity- you start to see the world through a distorted lens- thinking everyone has that sickness inside of them- everyone is nothing but a liar and cheat. You have to force yourself to see the good in the world and in people, and to participate in it.

ashestophoenix posted 12/18/2018 08:11 AM

Shocked, I agree with the great advice you are getting. Drop your therapist. I am also recovering from therapy induced trauma. Honestly, I'm not the kind of person who you would think would be traumatized by a therapist, but the reality is they have tremendous power over us. Your therapist does not know what she is talking about. And, painfully, I've learned not to combine an MC with an IC. She's in denial and protecting your "fragile" husband (I got this as well) and minimizing the impact on you. Actually negating the impact on you.

Quit her. You don't need an excuse. It might be easier just to stop IC, find your own IC, and get advice about how to handle MC.

I've turned another page in my healing where I am back to being enraged at my husband. Glad I have a therapist I can trust to help me with this.

ashestophoenix

Lionne posted 12/18/2018 09:44 AM

The diagnosis of sex addiction is tricky. And IMO, subject to the opinions of the therapist. If they buy the (partly political, partly scientific) stand of the DSM-V, Sex addiction isn't a thing.

So, maybe it isn't in the purest sense. But clearly, there is compulsion and habitual sexual behavior. Most often to deal with internal trauma and stress. Sex addicts are typically intimacy disordered, many have experienced CSA. That observation of sexual anorexia, the inability to have emotional connection during sex, that was my life too, and I still harbor resentment.

Ime, Sex addicts don't just stop unless they have a support system with practical resources. They may stop cheating, using porn, habitually masturbating, but often will replace the overt behaviors with scanning, fantasy, etc. If they get help they usually replace the dysfunctional addiction with other addictions, hopefully healthy ones, exercise, hobbies, etc. The guys I know tend to be on the obsessive compulsive spectrum.

The thing is, alcoholics, drug addicts, food addicts all self identity. They don't need a professional to tell them their life is out of control due to aberrant behavior. When they hit rock bottom, they can receive the recovery message and begin the process. The blessing of a professional isn't needed.

And I really, really advocate a diagnostic interview with a GOOD psychiatrist. My husband forgot to take his meds yesterday and he was a bear. Ruling out organic causes is an important step. But only if they are ready to listen.

[This message edited by Lionne at 9:52 AM, December 18th (Tuesday)]

marji posted 12/18/2018 18:29 PM

Shocked Your H indulged in deceitful, violating, exploitative, destructive, undignified, disrespectful, and in many venues, illegal behavior, for many years. He had a habit. He was an addict. Whether he is now is up for grabs--different therapists, different notions of "SA." It's hard enough diagnosing physical problems sometimes, but psychological ones? As Lionne so wisely points out, it's so much the purview of the therapist.

Like yours my H says he has no interest in anything like that; he does not scan or fantasize. He does go regularly to an SA meeting but does not experience many of the terrible feelings, thoughts, urges, that the typical SA experiences; he does experience anger; he does have serious limitations of empathy; he is socially immature and awkward.

He has consistently claimed he indulged in his parlor habit because it was an escape from the stress of his work; his therapist has suggested it was also an escape from the stress of his anger and resentment--a sick, destructive escape but one having that "benefit."

Not sure it matters to me the designation but it does matter to me that he continue to work on himself; that he participates in program helps me to feel safer. Don't think he needs to work on controlling his urges as so many of the others do, but he needs to work on his anger, his annoyance, his propensity to disconnect; he needs to work on his self-centeredness.

Some therapists base SA on behavior alone--I spoke on the phone to some MCs after discovery--I said nothing more than my H had visited the parlors and immediately, without meeting him or learning anything more, they said "oh, he's a sex addict." On the other hand, the Carnes test for SA, which is free and available just a Google click away, is not about behavior alone but thoughts and feelings and my H did not and doesn't have those thoughts and feelings. '

But clearly he had a bad habit that he spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to feed--and this a guy who is otherwise extremely careful about money--every penny--extremely careful to always obey the law, always do all the "right things" socially; Mr. Goodie Two Shoes was his nickname as a kid--the one in the family that never caused any problem.

And he had his precious secret. An ugly, pathetic one but all his very own. My H said he never experienced any shame, any guilt, any fear. Never had a thought to stop while he was working. Never had a thought to get a real massage from a real massage therapist. No. Just shelling out hundreds of dollars each week for the "happy ending" which yes, for some can be the hj. Some do not want to be bothered with much of anything more. Indeed, some are not only emotional anorexics-but sexual anorexics as well--and satisfied with what someone else would think not enough.

So again, doesn't matter the "diagnosis." I know I will never feel the same about my H knowing what he did, what he was capable of. I can never respect him; never feel comfortable with him physically again. I've come to feel somewhat at peace; I've come to not very much care that things are as they are--a certain level of acceptance has set in.

But about your therapist; hey, Shocked, if you feel that this person is is naive, inexperienced, poorly trained, or just plain wrong, then find another. Her saying that your H's habit was "simply a pastime to calm himself" says nothing about what he may do in the future to calm himself. It's not showing how outrageous, how disastrous his choice of serenity she thinks it is. She seems uninterested in helping your H to see how sick his behavior was and she seems blind to the trauma it has caused you. "Simply a pastime?" Whoaaa. Is this woman married? Has she asked herself how she would feel if her spouse did the same? Is she herself lacking in healthy empathy?

Not all cheaters are "sex addicts." So maybe she's right and your H is not a certifiable "sex addict" but he was surely a cheater and surely needs to be working hard to change from someone who could do that to someone who is honest, moral, and healthy. And my view is he needs a group and a therapist who will guide him in that direction.


Lionne posted 12/18/2018 20:14 PM

Wisely said, Marji! I believe that the diagnosis isn't a be all and end all, but it provides a path to treatment that allows for intense self examination and a blue print for preventing further behavior. It also, as Marji said, a tangible step to enable some security for us.

secondtime posted 12/19/2018 14:29 PM

For those that are further through the process..

My husband is on the amend steps.

Is it reasonable that:
1) I would expect that I would be on that "short list" as he puts it

and

2) That he might share who else is on that list, and why...knowing full well that any more surprises regarding his addiction will damage our relationship further?

We just had lunch together. It's the only private/adult time we'll likely have for all of December and most of January/February. We still have two kids in/coming into our bedroom nightly.

He didn't mention anything about it. I'm not sure that he gets saying I'm sorry and doing the laundry ( ie, his "job") is making amends.

He's never completely done a disclosure. Which is fine. I don't think I need that.

I think I've largely stayed out of his recovery process. I ask him to communicate something about what he's learning with me. Now, it's just down to how many people attended a meeting.

I ask him to share, sometimes, so that I know whether or not he's recovering. Attendance reports don't quite do it for me.

I feel like his recovery is becoming one big giant secret. And I don't like it.

Shocked123 posted 12/19/2018 21:16 PM

Secondtime,
Your post is a very interesting one. I never thought about the need for you to hear about his meetings.
My H sees his IC twice a month and it I always have to pull informaton our of him. Makes me feel very insecure.
Perhaps when he finds the right IC he will be encourage to enter a 12 step type program and then I will be faced with your dilema.
I would be very insulted if my H left the family to go to a meeting and only talked about how many people showed up.
I do not have any experience with these meetings but do know that there are SANON meetings for spouses and families. Perhaps you could join some sort of support group and enjoy some fellowship there.
Then when he asks how your meetings went you can tell him how many people attended.
See if he likes that.

bluetears posted 12/19/2018 22:40 PM

Shocked, My WH was sexually anorexic for the last 5 years. My Dday was also in August. After Dday, he immediately blamed me. Did your WH do the same? At first I blamed myself too until I started thinking about the last several years and thought, "Oh, hell No". HE was the one who never initiated sex and acted like he didn't want anything to do with ME. Now I know it was not all my fault.

Oh, and if it's ok, I might PM you about some of your phone sleuthing if that's ok?

Ashes, Ditto! My WH is also a little boy. I seriously don't think he knows what real love is. I am a strong mental person and I'm getting better everyday. I understand what you meant by "being at peace". Unfortunately, I just try not to care anymore. He works out of town and I could care less what he is doing. I'm just working on ME. Do you think you will be able stay together forever?

Destroyed, I also saw an IC that just kept saying, "I'm sorry". I did not get any feedback at all. I'll be looking for another one for sure. You are so young, have no children together and obviously intelligent. You deserve better. You said this is your 2nd sex addict H. Did your IC give you any advice on how NOT to find another sex addict? I'm a little worried now since I was blind sided after 20 years on my "prize". ha My H does not drink, gamble, do drugs etc., However, I never thought of this type of addiction!

Secondtime, I also do not want to know everything. I do believe he is trying but when he says, "I took YOUR garbage out for YOU"...I guess I need to buy some gold star stickers and stick them on his forehead! WTH! Hang in there! Keep us updated.

Marji and Lionne, YOU ROCK! Please don't ever stop giving advice. I know I'm new but after what you have gone through and the pain you felt, are you glad you stayed? It seems like you are surviving and good in your marriage because of all the work.

No matter how much I love him, I don't think I can ever look at him without thinking about what he did. Did you feel like that? Do you ever quit imagining in your head? Do you still talk about the past with each other? Are there still triggers? Did you ever ask why and did he give you an answer?

Lastly, I work long hours and I'm probably trying to talk to all of you (at the same time) Sorry, Thank you for your input!

I never thought I would end up searching or finding an SI site like this at my age but ya gotta admit, Thank Goodness for the internet and meeting New Friends who understand!

JadeC posted 12/19/2018 22:59 PM

I will tell you that for S-Anon and SAA, as well as the other Twelve Step groups, the concept of annonymity is a sacred one for us. We are reminded at every meeting that what goes on in our group should stay within the group and should not be shared with anyone, including our partner/spouse. This is what maintains the group as a safe, judgement-free place to share and make ourselves vulnerable. In the early days of my attendance, my husband shared with me that one of the men in his group told him that his wife was working with a small group on the Steps, and when I asked someone in my group if I could participate, I was told that that should not have been shared.
We are also reminded that the sobriety of the sexaholic is not our responsibility and we have no control over it or his recovery. Coming to understand that is part of the first step.
My husband and I do a check-in every week, usually on the way home from the meetings. I know my husband's done his first step, but I've not asked him to share that with me, and they actually do not encourage it to be shared with the spouse. His group keeps him sccountable and it's my understanding that they don't hold back on calling them out on the bs-they know the games they play better than anyone. He is working on his second step now, but he works the steps with his partner, not me. My recovery work is focused on me and my recovery. More or less, I get out of his way so that he can do the work he needs to do. I am seeing changes in him, and have learned to trust the process. That took time, though. I wish you well on your own journey toward recovery and healing.

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