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Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 18

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veryhurt2018 posted 1/7/2019 22:37 PM

Hope you had a good weekend. I was wondering if the lies ever stop. SAWH is in SA and the lies still haven't stopped. It's crazy. he's such a good liar too. My therapist keeps wondering if he's a pathological liar too. Ugh!!!

ashestophoenix posted 1/8/2019 19:38 PM

Veryhurt, so sorry to hear about the continued pain. My experience was that my husband increased the lies right after discovery. He was in a panic, in shame, desperate, blaming....he went to what worked for him in the past: more lies.

I think after two to three years in IC and 12 step, my husband started to be a bit more honest. Really, I think the overt acting out stopped but the more subtle stuff continued and he wasn't honest about that. So the lies by commission started to reduce, but the lies by omission continued. And continue to this day. (For example, he takes tai chi at a community center. The instructors rotate. If it's a man, he comes home and says "Mike was great." If it is a woman, he says "The instructor taught us new things." I say, "oh, was it a woman?" And, then he does say yes. But note the dishonesty in the first comment. I do this every time. Think he would catch on?) So the reality of my husband is just how pervasive and ingrained his dishonesty is.

Once in a while my husband will correct what he is saying and be more truthful. That started at about year four post discovery. But it is infrequent. He probably is a lot more honest if I ask him a direct question, but still very dishonest in what he volunteers.

It's possible your husband is a pathological or habitual liar. I think it just goes to show how deeply screwed up my husband is and how deeply immature. I think my husband might make slow improvements, but in my view, he is stalled on the development of honesty and integrity. I think he just doesn't get why he would benefit by having integrity. He wants other people to think he has it so he can be admired. That's not integrity.

I think as they got sober it's still about hiding and not wanting to be known. It's still the underlying intimacy disorder. That's my view.

Once I understood how deeply dishonest and duplicitous my husband was, and, whew, was that painful, I was able to accept that I should really not believe much of anything that came out of his mouth. That does not create a loving, trusting relationship. But it does make life so much easier for me.

And remember, they lie to themselves and start believing their own lies. So they have a mix of distorted thinking, delusions, lies they are very aware of, and lies they aren't so clear about.

ashestophoenix

[This message edited by ashestophoenix at 7:40 PM, January 8th (Tuesday)]

bluetears posted 1/8/2019 21:20 PM

Ashes, Veryhurt, Smj Very good posts!

I read something that said, "Do not believe anything they say and only 50% of what you see". Boy, isn't that the truth!

Veryhurt - Google Bikini coffee stands and try to find photos. It is a drive up Espresso Stand where the girls "Baristas" wear next to nothing just to serve men coffee and get a Big Tit, oops, I meant TIP. If he went to a couple of them, Fine. No big deal. But about 50 of them!? With everything else he has done, it just adds salt to the wound. He promised me he has not been to one in almost 8 months but his location shows he was at one last Wed morning on his way to work and Thursday after work. 8 months my ass! Lie! Lie!

We live in a Community Property state so a Post Nup is legal. I actually wrote one up and when he comes home this weekend, I'm going to ask him to go with me and have it Notarized. Wish me luck! It will be such a relief and a huge weight off my shoulder. Almost like you have reached retirement age and could leave work any day. I know I will have a very relaxed feeling. I'll keep ya updated! Thanks everyone!

demolishedinside posted 1/11/2019 07:44 AM

Hello, everyone...I'm not sure if you have seen my recent posts in D, but I had my second dday in November, shortly after quitting my job and packing to move across the country. After 3 1/2 years of hard work and what I thought was R, this has been such a blow. My therapist tells me that I have not had time to deal with the emotions, let alone make a decision as to what to do next. I thought this move would be a great new start--great weather, away from the memories of the A, near my mom and sister.

In the end, the news of the parking lot bj through the OW messaging me on Facebook was numbing. I still had to pretend to my kids that the move was the best idea and finish packing and get us there (WH was there and working and we were following). I got there and one week into being there, I totaled my car. I was majorly bruised but thankfully, my kids did not have a scratch. Because I was not working and we were filing bankruptcy, getting a car was hell on earth. My sister was upset when I asked her to co-sign, despite her knowing the situation and telling me she would help if anything went wrong in the move. Not only did I feel trapped financially, but I was emotionally alone and without support in a new state. My kids were going through the usual pains of a move and I just was done. DONE.

Ladies, in seven weeks, I moved to a new state, had a major wreck, learned of a new A and then!...I moved us back home. We are trying to work with the bank to get the house back. I had to tell the kids' previous school everything in order to get them back in (not living in the district). It was humiliating. He's living here and sleeping on the couch. He helps with the kids, laundry, dinner...but I've never felt more alone. It's like knowing that I will lose all of this...that the kids will lose this.

While in the other state, and in my distress of all that had happened, I made a comment to my son. I hate that I could not hold myself together for him better. However, he now asks every day if we are going to D. He notices his dad is always on the couch. He knows. There IS fighting. It is not screaming or world ending but we are stressed to the max with all of it and him starting back to work at the job where the OW works. I would laugh if I could. I guess it shouldn't matter, but for whatever reason, I have a fear she will try to contact me again.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I could try to kick him out but there are few options of where he could go. I just don't think it's healthy for us to do this for very long. He will be giving me insurance that I do need, and he is helping with the kids. It's just that I"m hurting so much. I don't know how to continue in this limbo and not further hurt ME and the kids. He could try to move in with his dad, but his mom is dying and I don't know that it's the best time for that.

I feel like an absolute failure. Imagine all of your life believing that you can't be afraid to take risks because you'll never know what might have happened, and then this! I feel like the net did not appear. Like God let me down. Like everyone around me is judging me for returning seven weeks after leaving. I've never been without a job. In order to get the bankruptcy, I need to not work for a while, but not doing so is contributing to my fear and to my depression. My sister did not help, as she was angry that I was leaving and told me that I would likely not find a job here. That she was worried. While this state is not known for being booming in jobs, I simply don't believe I won't find anything, but her comments definitely hurt and played into this desperation I am feeling. I have no money to take care of myself or the kids. I need more money to even file the bankruptcy. I have no money to file D. I am trapped.

I wish you all were here because the feeling of complete loneliness is almost more than I can bear.

ETA: bluetears, I have never seen or heard of those! One more thing in this world that I just can't wrap my head around.

[This message edited by demolishedinside at 7:46 AM, January 11th (Friday)]

bluetears posted 1/11/2019 23:18 PM

Domolish - Check your local resources. There should be many that will help you with paperwork to file for anything you need. Possibly a women's center at no cost.

Good luck!

ashestophoenix posted 1/12/2019 09:02 AM

demolished - My heart goes out to you. This is a lot of trauma you have experienced. Each of these events alone would be traumatic, but one after another, it is major trauma. My first thought is it is critical to be gentle with yourself. We're not at our best under trauma! We're not stupid, or lazy, or indecisive, or slow. We're traumatized and overwhelmed.

At points like this in my life, I found I had to take it one hour at a time. I had to learn to really monitor my energy and figure out my top priorities: getting sleep, getting fed, and in your case, taking care of your children. Your husband, in my view, is the last thing you need to pay attention to. He needs to take care of himself, chip in and not add problems. Addicts will always add problems so in that case we have to detach as much as possible.

I also recommend starting to meditate. It's free but it really helps. I don't have the discipline I need to do this daily, but when I do it, it helps me to be able to focus.

I started to see my "unpaid job" as being the project manager of my life. I had to figure out what were my top priorities, what resources had, how to spend them. It sounds silly, but that helped me.

This too shall pass, but it will seem like an eternity.

I also agree that a women's center or hotline is a good resource or they can provide helpful resources.

ashetophoenix

demolishedinside posted 1/12/2019 13:46 PM

Ashes, your reply made me feel seen and heard. Thank you for that blessing

DestroyedWife80 posted 1/12/2019 17:29 PM

So, I'm back to counseling after a break I took for the holidays- had a house full of company A few sessions ago she said I may be a Love Addict & LA are often attracted to SA (google it- very interesting!)

I am, from my own observation, and my counselor's comments- very logical and have a very good head on my shoulders. She is really happy with my progress and I see things so clearly.

So I ask her "If I am SO logical, WHY THE HELL am I so frozen and paralyzed when I think of leaving him." I mean, from a purely logical standpoint- I should be out the door. Together two years, married 8 months (only 4 months at D-Day). He is in 100% lie and deny mode, almost NO real remorse, won't answer any questions, won't admit to having an addiction.

She said that due to traumas growing up (I am not sure what these are yet, without doing some kind of real work to figure it out and heal it) I've basically had a scared little girl running my romantic life- she is terrified of abandonment, is vulnerable and scared and seeks out the same partner over and over. It's all very interesting and makes a lot of sense!!!

She also said while leaving may very end up happening- she would never recommend that now bc until I do the healing work for that wounded place inside me, I would most certainly end up panicking and either go right back to him or end up with another just like him.

I don't know if anyone can identify with that pattern in themselves and maybe give someone the understanding it gave me ??? But worth a try!! And explains why it's such bs when people say 'I would just leave him immediately'- like ok, that's exactly what I said and thought I'd do!!!!! But it's not that simple and that won't change what is broken inside me and help me fix my picker so I NEVER pick one of these men again!!!! (been married to 2 now!!!)

ShatteredSorrow posted 1/13/2019 00:31 AM

This is my first post on the forum. I have been reading here for months now. First in a mix of just found out and the reconciliation, now in this thread and in D.

I honestly don't even know where to start but this seems like the right place to share.

I caught my husband and WhatsApp message from a woman that read like he got her pregnant. He to this day swears that that's not the case. That He introduced her to a guy who got her pregnant and he felt responsible in a way because of that. At any rate, months later he admitted to this being an EA. She managed the girls at a strip club he went to regularly in secret - there was a guy he would hang out with there, that's who he introduced her to that got her pregnant - supposedly. The following day after finding those WhatsApps, I uncovered a saved WhatsApp history with his sexual affair partner where they were professing their love to one another often and I found out it was in 8 month of affair. This affair started a month before we started trying to conceive our second child (which we did successfully on the 2nd try - so this affair lasted throughout nearly my entire pregnancy). In fact after the weekend we conceived our daughter, he went on a work trip - he left the Sunday, my toddler and I joined him on the Monday. He had unprotected sex with his AP on that Sunday night in the same bed I came and slept with him in. At my DD1 my baby was 1 month old.

When I first caught him he swore it was 'only' a emotional affair. the night I read through their WhatsApp conversation and found her ask him for money for the morning after pill. He admitted sex once only - later admitted oral sex 2 other times. (And then months later found out it was intercourse twice- I don't know why he felt the need to lie about that originally as it didn't make it any different). This affair partner is someone he met before me and hooked up with on and off for some time - he met her because he was a regular at a massage parlor she worked at where they did happy endings. So that behaviour was happening well before we met which I never knew about. He admitted to porn addiction and spending time in live chat rooms as well since we've been together. I had caught him looking up escorts which he swore that although he wanted to, he never contacted them.

My initial reaction was to divorce. But after 1 session with an imago MC, stuck around to try as I loved him and saw the possibility of us having a better marriage. We spent the next 4 months in both individual and couples therapy trying to work on our marriage.

1 month into working on it, I made him go get tested for stds - we had been intimate a couple times a few days prior (we were talking for hours every night and feeling super connected). He was positive for a couple.

I have been tested, my kids have been tested, we don't have anything. By miracles alone.

I was incredibly angry at the risk he put me and my baby in but somehow continued to work on things with him. I really truly loved this man.

4 months later I found evidence that he cheated back in 2016 just after my first daughter was born. (Thought I now feel I will never actually know how far back it goes). That's when he admitted to an unprotected blowjob from a stripper. I kicked him out. The next day at couples therapy he admitted to multiple hand jobs at massage parlours while I was pregnant in 2015, sex with prostitutes at a brothel at least twice, and a blowjob from a stripper earlier in the month that I found out the first DD, just after having my second child.

I can't believe that he would put me and our babies in such danger. It's like he is an entirely different person than I thought he was. I also can't believe he would continue lying the whole time we were working on it as I directly asked him multiple times about prostitutes and/or if there was anything sexual with anyone else and he emphatically, convincingly and seemingly heartfelt would continue to lie. He was incredibly remorseful, regretful and ashamed from the very start of being caught, and yet continued to lie. I will now never know him as someone capable of honesty.

He had an appointment with a psychiatrist the following week - she said he definitely has a chemical imbalance and dopamine deficiency and major depressive disorder, put him on mood stabilizers.

He hasn't been living with us since but I let him come over daily to bath and put our eldest to bed so she can spend time with him (and so that I don't have to do everything on my own). He has been severely low and at times suicidal over the past months. The psychiatrist wanted him to do in patient treatment but he refused BC he is afraid he'll lose his new job so she said it's fine and they can do outpatient but it will take longer.

I have been on antidepressants since shortly after dd1 so perhaps that's helping me not fall apart, I don't know. A handful of friends know the full story and a few others know most of it or the gist of it - so it helps to be able to talk to them about it.

We were that couple that people always looked up to and wished they had a relationship like ours. I can't believe this is where we are. And I feel like I'll never know the full extent of what he did BC as much as he swears he has told me everything now, and even admitted everything to his immediate family and a couple close friends and told them he was an SA, I will never know of it's the full truth. I'll never know if it went back even further or if he was ever faithful to me in the 7 years we've been together.

I feel like I'm living someone's worst nightmare - not even my own BC I could never in my wildest dreams have imagined being in this situation. I thought he was my soulmate. I had no idea all this was going on. My only red flags were in the last year that he started being weird and possessive about his phone - which i would ask him about and he would brush off and gaslight. But the couple times an affair crossed my mind I dismissed it as I thought he would never do that to me.

And I haven't been working for the past year and a half so we depend on him to support us financially at this point as well.

I am so heart broken. And disgusted with him. And horrified. And furious. And devastated. And sometimes just numb.

I thought I was married to this great man and it turned out he is the worst possible. 💔

[This message edited by ShatteredSorrow at 2:17 AM, January 13th (Sunday)]

marji posted 1/13/2019 13:19 PM

Shattered It feels very inadequate to say I am sorry for what you are living through and living with right now--it's devastating; I know because I was in much the same state 3 and a half years ago when I found out the similar disgusting truth about the H I'd been married to for nearly 40 years and what he'd been doing for the past ten. It's horrifying and yes, disgusting.

But Shattered please know that you will get through this. Learning of their creepy, dishonest, seemingly totally out of character and very sick behavior is traumatic. Working with a good trauma therapist can be a life saver; going a support group such as SANON can also help; SI is great but having a strong, supportive IRL group is of enormous benefit.

Do your best to maintain basic health; proper rest and nutrition are essentials. After that is working toward regaining a sense of balance normalcy and peace of mind. Like other traumas, this takes time and work and a good support team. But know you will be alright.

There is no need to spend time and energy trying to decide whether to stay in the relationship. Right now concentrate on you and not the relationship. Easier said than done, I know, but very important.

Good that you have family and friends who you can spend good time with. As much as possible put your mind and your heart to things other than your H and what he has done; what he wanted to do. Tend to yourself and your children. Talk here on SI as freely and as often as you feel and please know you will be alright.

bluetears posted 1/13/2019 21:10 PM

Shattered - My Dday was also in August, 18. I'm doing better because of the advice on this SI site and people like Marji. I am so sorry because I'm older and we do not have children together. I can't imagine how you must feel knowing you were having HIS children while he was doing this to you!

Marji is right! Please take care of yourself! I KNOW you don't realize it right now but you WILL be OK and feel better.

I actually feel great today! My WH works out of town and if I think about what he may be doing....? I didn't know before and can't control it now, right? So, I don't let what he's doing RULE my life. This probably sounds dumb but WHEN I start to get overwhelmed wondering what he might be doing?, I do 10 push ups. I don't know why, but the nasty thoughts go away AND I'm getting rid of bra fat at the same time.

I'm sorry you ended up here but please keep us updated. I dare you to go do a few push ups right now.

[This message edited by bluetears at 9:15 PM, January 13th (Sunday)]

DogsnBooks posted 1/14/2019 08:41 AM

How is everyone doing after the craziness of the holidays and New Year’s? Settling back into “normal?”

I’m having a hard time ... feels like this marriage is completely dead. It doesn’t feel like we will ever recover that “love” feeling, even if this disclosure goes well, even if by some miracle I am able to process through everything he has done to me, I don’t know how/if I can ever recover that love. And I miss it. I miss feeling loved and cared about. I don’t feel that from him.

We talked about it some yesterday and it seems like he is cutting himself off from those emotions because it is “too hard” to actively love me and then also be rejected by me all the time (his words). Which makes sense, to a degree. But also, HE’S the one who rejected and tossed ME to the side and what’s happening now is just consequences of those actions. Seems to me that he should be doing everything in his power to show me WHY I should stay and show me what the future could look like, that it could be better. But he just tells me that he’s not stable right now, that I shouldn’t be counting on or betting on him. Which is extremely painful, because that just affirms all the fears that I already have. But he is still stuck in shame. That’s just where he is right now, he says. He wants to be better for me, but that’s just where he’s at right now.

In unrelated news, I think I am going to talk to one of my therapists soon about a possible OCD diagnosis. I think my phobia alone is severe enough to “qualify” me for it (certainly manifests in OCD-like tendencies) but I also have non-phobia-related intrusive thoughts. So. Not sure if anyone here has dealt with that.

Shocked123 posted 1/14/2019 12:28 PM

Shatteredsorrow,
I am so sorry to read your all too familar story. I think we all understand when you say you are disgusted and hearbroken. None of us ever thought we were marrying someone who would break our hearts in such a way.
I am almost one year post D day and 9 months post confrontation day. I can tell you that you will be going through many mixed emotions in the future. One day you may think things are going well and that you can live with this and others will bring overwhelming despair and sadness.
I too love my husband dearly and want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is very troubled and tried to deal with his issues in a sexual way, much like an alcoholic drinks his sorrows away. The problem with acting out sexually is that it is a behaviour that breaks the marriage contract and shatters his promise to you. Once this is discovered, the issue is also a lack of trust, something I am realizing is even more hurtful than the sexual acts they paritipated in.
I think your therapist is right in suggesting you do no make any decisions right away. It takes time to process the discovery, it's implications and fallout. Let your H work with an IC and watch his behaviour. Forget his words as he lies, as they all do.
Hold your own, don't let him talk you out of, or into things. If something bothers you, don't back down. Concentrate on yourseld and your childrem just as the others have suggested.
I have gone back to the gym, cut back on gourmet cooking, keep the house tidy but don't wait for dust to settle, go out with friends a little more and mostly focus on things that make me happy. I can no longer give my entire life to this man as it just makes me resentful and I feel we will fall into old patterns of him taking advantage of me.
Most importantly, try to find a specialized therapist. I wasted too much time on the one we had. She was not experienced enough to discuss possible SA. I am not diagnosing your H, but I would suggest your rule it out professionally.
Keep us posted, we all care very much

ShatteredSorrow posted 1/14/2019 13:04 PM

Thanks for your responses and support. It's a relief in a way to be able to tell people who actually truly have some idea of what I'm going through.

There are some details I'm leaving out because I'm not comfortable putting them on the internet, anonymous or not, which would surely make you feel he is unredeemable.

I now feel that way though. As much as I have loved him, I don't see how I could ever live a happy life with him now. I don't see how we could have a 'second marriage' which is better and more connected. Because he knowingly put me and our children's lives in danger and because when caught, and when given many opportunities to come clean about anything else with the stipulation that if I found anything else out on my own I was done, he still continued to outright and convincingly lie. And I don't want to live out the rest of my life suspicious or resentful of the person I'm supposed to feel safest with and most connected to. I have loved him completely but at some point it becomes a choice between loving him and my own self respect, self love and self value.

I have had plenty of awful things happen in my life, but nothing could compare to this level of devastation and despair.

I am trying to stay positive and look to the future I need to create, but it's so difficult to not drown in the despair of where I'm currently at.

I do have a therapist who I value and trust. There aren't SANON groups where I live so far as I can tell - there is Alanon which I suppose I could try as an alternative.

Rest is tough with a small baby and a toddler - and the need for alone time at nightI- but I am getting what I can.

[This message edited by ShatteredSorrow at 1:30 PM, January 14th (Monday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 1/14/2019 16:27 PM

WTF!!!!!!!! So, I know my WH was a poor candidate for recovery- since he won't even admit to things I have PROOF of-emails/texts/GPS. Like, hardcore DENIAL...and LYING! AND won't show true remorse. AND takes no responsibility.

BUT- he did admit he had done some stupid things and promised he was not acting out anymore bc our marriage meant too much.

Well, today I go through his emails and find him fishing for men on craigslist. Seriously, WTF.

I know I was dumb. And I still had the feeling he was still acting out but now covering the tracks better since he knew I was watching.

I am blown away. ANGRY. Releived? (weird emotion but okay..) Disgusted.

Shocked123 posted 1/14/2019 16:39 PM

Destroyed wife80,
Men too now? Sounds like your H has a lot of work to do and is completely out of control.
You must be in shock at this point and probably numb. I know I felt like all this was happening to someone else.
If he is still denying there is something seriously wrong which makes me worry for your safety.
Not sure if you actualy want to try to work on this but it sounds like some distance would be good for you right now.
Please continue your IC and think of yourself. Your H is living in a fantasy world which even he can't face.
Keep us posted. So sorry he continues to hurt you this way.

DestroyedWife80 posted 1/14/2019 16:56 PM

Well, I knew he was into men- hook ups on craiglist etc.

He IS completely out of control. But when you 100% refuse to admit you have a problem- there is no hope of ever getting the help to heal.

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot!!! What a curveball that was!!!! I am definitely focused on smart moves for the eventual separation/divorce. My counselor is amazing She helps steer me down the right path mentally!

I am 100% correct to have continued my snooping. I did have to tweak it a little and was careful not to let it become compulsive or take over my life…but I am so thankful I didn’t just let things go and trust him. I am also sure I have not found everything he's done wrong since discovery- he is too good at covering his tracks- and I just happened to find something he forgot to delete.

TwiceWounded posted 1/14/2019 17:14 PM

Unfortunately I think I'm in rare company. My WS is an SA... but she is also a WW. I can't help but feel that many, if not most, of the SAs around are WHs.

In any case, I feel like there are not many resources for me out there.

So, WW has said that part of her recovery is ONLY being sexual when she really wants to--as opposed to while she was an active addict, and doing things for validation and to please her APs. MC and her IC both say that this applies to me as well (which makes sense)... so I'm in a place where I'm sort of forced to accept that there will be no "makeup sex" or whatever you might want to call it. It's like the pendulum has swung to the other side far enough that now she doesn't want to do ANYTHING to make someone else happy, including her husband.

We've tried to talk about this in MC and I get it... she has to feel like there is no pressure or obligation otherwise it's indulging her addiction... but by the same token, I really would *like* to get some of the same things her APs got. Partly because I like it, and partly because I need to feel like I'm as important to her as those nobodies.

So we are at a stalemate. I feel like all of the *normal* feelings a man would have in this situation are negated by her addiction and my role in making sure she views sex in a healthy way.

Does that make sense? Anyway, I find myself REALLY struggling with resentment because of it. It kind of feels like... ok, she screwed around with too many men on the side, so now she can't do anything with me either. Logically I understand how this plays out in an addiction scenario but I can't help but be resentful of it.

DestroyedWife80 posted 1/14/2019 22:30 PM

Twice-

I know I am a female, but I am a BS with a SA as a spouse.

I have a pretty high sex drive and shortly after being married my H starts to become sexually unavailable to me. I try everything- pulling back and giving space, sending more pics/sexting, make more effort on my appearance, making direct passes, making indirect passes. Nothing worked. He would become angry and start yelling at me sometimes. Told me I ‘had a problem’. That’s all I ever wanted from him and it was annoying. The week after our honeymoon I tried for over an hour to squeeze a 3 min encounter from him.

Turns out he was pursuing exGFs and female friends- compliments, everything from asking to begging for pics/phone sex/meet-ups. He was spending insane amounts of (OUR!) money on escorts and massage parlors.

So- he was investing vast amounts of time, energy and money into getting sex from anyone BUT me. How disgusting and undesirable he must find me. Some of these exGFs and female friends (and the free craigslist hook ups) were VILE looking. SO homely. Fat, old, ugly. I must be LESS desirable than that to him. Now, granted, some of the escorts were hot- so hot I could barely look at myself in a mirror. I felt genuinely BAD for him to have to look at and see me naked after having been with one- who was the spitting image of Kim Kardashian.


I can absolutely sympathize with you on this aspect.

Shocked123 posted 1/15/2019 08:17 AM

Destroyed wife80,
It does not matter what you look like and I am sure you are beautiful inside and out. YOU could be Kim kardashian and he would still cheat.
It took me a long time to understand that. It is not you, it’s him.
My H was also sexually and enotionally detached from me For at least 12 years but looking back probably even longer than that.
I discovered some of the women he was with were older than him and others a few years older than our oldest daighter. Many were Asian, which I cannot compete with! There is nothing wrong with me. I kept in shape, decent hair, had three babies and went back to ny prepreganacy shaoe (more or less), was supportive, kind, hardworking, accepting of his travel for work, had friends, good to his family and mine, volunteered within her community and the list goes on and on. I was no different from talk the great women who do their best to raise our children with love and integrity. No matter what I did, no matter how perfect I tried to be, he paid no attention to me. In fact, he was angry and irritable most of the time and admittedly very jealous that I could find happiness in everyday events. Taking the kids to the park, making cookies with them, enjoying sports practices, I soaked it all up with pure happiness.
The point is, it doesn’t matter what you look like.or how great you are.This is not an attraction problem between two people, it’s a detachment problem . My H has difficulty connecting with people in a meaningful way. He goes through the motions of being a H and father but is at a loss to understand what that means.
He sought happy endings and probably more as a way to escape his real life. It was his dirty little secret life that he looked forward to and felt he deserved. It was his “thing” It kept him going from the mundane life that most of us find pleasure in. It gave him siomething to look forward to, the planning, scheming, researching, lying, and then the high of the encounter. Once it was over, the guilt hit which is when he would be mean with me. A few days later, the cycle began all over again.
I could have been anybody, his soon to be diagnosed addiction took over his life and destroyed our marriage as well as his parenting in the process. He was but a shell of a man for many years of our marriage


Twicewounded,
I am sure this problem is just as frequent for women as it is for men however, men do not tend to reach out as much as women so you will see less posts from men.
Most of our contributions on SI would apply to your situation, just reverse the sexes.
This is a problem between people, in a relationship, doesn’t matter who the SA is.
I was and still am, you. I completely get what you’re saying.
Why did my H have the libido for hundreds of strangers and inot me? Why was he attracted to different sizes, shapes, races? If he didn’t like what he had at home, why did he marry me, why didn’t he marry the types he was attracted to and paid for? Who meets strangers for wed when they can have it for free in their own bed?
Simple. He didn’t have to be emotionally attached to these people. It was like he was someone else when he was with orostitutes.
Your WW is probably afraid to begin having relations with you because she has trouble connecting beyond the physical part of sex. The meaningful pat of the act is lost on her. She knows how to use her parts but not her heart.
There is pressure on her to fulfill an emotional void she has created with you.
Exactly the reason my H turned away from me.
I understand the rejection you are feeling but we all need to understand that it’s not our issues, it is theirs.
Make sure she keeps up her IC and does the work. You deserve a meangful relationship. We all do.

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