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Back again, this time I won't survive it.

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JellyGirl84 posted 9/2/2018 03:00 AM

I am sorry this has happened to you again. I haven't read your entire thread, just your first post and your most recent. I think it seems like you have decided to try getting through this in baby steps, and that is exactly how we all are getting through our own betrayals.

Sometimes, we see in others what we want to see. If this woman was the person you thought was going to be your salvation after your first wife betrayed you, perhaps you jumped into it too soon. We have to consider a "broken picker"; maybe if you look back on your time with this woman, you will notice some similarities in the way you interacted with each other as compared to your first relationship which ended in betrayal.

Her choices aren't your fault and have very little to do with you, except that, maybe, you welcomed a woman with similar baggage to your first wife into your life. That's worth looking into.

It is best to never seek our happiness from someone else or expect that someone will be our savior. We really have to be that for ourselves. The deep love you felt is natural and beautiful but it was pearls before swine. She doesn't deserve it and that's all on her.

As I said earlier, you have to get through this by taking small steps. Just try to eat, drink water, avoid booze, and stay busy with your responsibilities--especially if you have children; they need you! Keep posting here. It's the best place you never wanted to be in.

Downforthecount posted 9/2/2018 15:19 PM

There was a time I had a faith similar to yours. You are more like Job... I am... not.
To be honest, at some point during R I was driving to work thinking "You know my burdens, you know my future, you intervene if necessary...etc. etc. and yet you determined that an emotional pain of this depth was ok? It's ok for me to be hurt to a point beyond suicidal?.. ie I didn't even care to end it any more, I flat lined.. nothingness. no up no down no nothing for months, and that day in the car, that changed big time and I went into complete rage mode. I told god if this is the way he sees fit to lead my life he can officially eat shi@ and die, get the F out of my life and not come back." And that was the end of faith. My faith died at 5:35 am in a car traveling I4 along with her actions. Did I do the right thing? I dont know and I dont care. It's what I did. I'm not proud of it, but it's real. Why do I tell you this?
I find the alternate view of yours interesting, and while I cant say that I agree with you, I do see a strength in you that I didn't have. You said

I'm not meant for this. The Lord has a plan for me, but it doesn't include being loved like that. I need to let that part of me die off. And I'd feel so much better. Or at least a lot less bad.

No really.. seriously? You're OK with that? You are OK with just folding up and complying? With not being loved? Is your faith your strength/hiding place/refuge.. or is it your excuse to submit to being a beta in an alphas world and being unwilling to change?
This is not a discussion on religion. Your stand on that subject has zero affect on me or anyone else here. Your view on this subject does however give a very real existential view of how you see yourself. This needs to be a call to arms. You need to realize that the only one calling the shots in your life is you. Your happiness depends on you, no one else. You have to find that in you. Do I hear you? Yes. Have I been there? Yes, Crushed? Yes, Have I Ever in any relationship Not been cheated on? No! I hear you loud and clear. But.. The reality is Your strength comes from You. Your joy comes from you. You need to step back and look at you. Look at the things you like about you and smile, Look at the things you dont like and change them. Pull yourself up one more time. Vent Blog Rage Mourn Cry Meditate find a gym with a heavy bag and beat the hell out of it until you cant and then do it again. Run until you puke, catch your breath and run until you puke and catch you breath and run until you dont puke any more because you are getting stronger in the process. Drink a Lot of water (this emotional garbage is literally physically toxic and you have to flush it out). Pick a killer healthy diet (not a loose weight diet.. diet as in generally what you eat)and stick to it. You have to stand up one more time and heal. Your physical health is directly tied to your emotional health. Get physical.. it will help you get your head screwed on straight again. Then make a decision about what path to take. You have to take charge of you. You.

How you all are able to deal with all of this is really amazing to me.

My point of view on this is that most of us are not amazing. Most of us have taken critical damage and are just trying to make it back to port for repairs before we sink. Whats cool is the ones that make it back often start doing recovery missions for the rest of us. We find strength and move forward.

Emptyshelldad posted 9/3/2018 03:15 AM

I just read both of your replies. I'm going to digest them for a while, and reply to them. You both raise some very interesting points. Thank you.

Emptyshelldad posted 9/10/2018 00:42 AM

I'm thinking I'm going to try working out to help process my pain. In a way I could see it like machine maintenance since I'm feeling so robotic anyhow. That way it won't seem like work. Lol.

Your feelings on my situation got me thinking about the many ways I can try to handle this situation. Even though it doesn't change my view on "love", it does mean I can choose to get into better shape. Point well taken.

Downforthecount posted 9/11/2018 21:31 PM

One day at a time .... sometimes one second at a time.
You will make it. Just keep moving forward.

Western posted 9/11/2018 21:36 PM

and what is she doing to fix herself and help you at this point in time ?

Buster123 posted 9/11/2018 22:10 PM


[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:03 AM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

Emptyshelldad posted 9/17/2018 01:33 AM

Unfortunately, she's doing nothing about it at all. She has said she doesn't any of them affairs since we aren't legally married. She doesn't even consider it cheating so I don't know what she thinks about it. She will not talk to me about it at all. I'm definitely low about it all. Just kinda wishing I would die every day. It was a truly great love. But I can't make it last. What a fool I am.

pureheartkit posted 9/18/2018 22:52 PM

We are all fools, shell. But with luck, we can live to see better days. I'm taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best.

Emptyshelldad posted 10/2/2018 01:19 AM

Fighting the good fight, thank God for so much work here. I'm trying to stay busy, but its hard for sure. You can't get away from your thoughts. God will it ever end? I see all of these remorseful ww in the wayward section and I despair that my ww is nothing like any of them in terms of effort and accountability and......just trying.... Trying to do something to make it any better. Instead its just like we are sexless, platonic roommates who are just..... Biding our time until the inevitable skills this hollow husk of a love.

squid posted 10/15/2018 12:43 PM

I see all of these remorseful ww in the wayward section and I despair that my ww is nothing like any of them in terms of effort and accountability and......just trying.... Trying to do something to make it any better.

I get you. It's hard accepting that this is who they are. Glad you're keeping busy.

Thanks for checking in.

Stevesn posted 10/15/2018 13:25 PM


I am not sure if you are still reading this thread. I hope so.

Also, I believe this to be my first post on your thread. You came here in dire need and I wasn’t sure that I had the tools to help you. I’m glad you are still here reading and posting. I credit you and the brave souls that have the words to help a man in such pain for that.

You seem like a really good guy. This world needs more like you. I appreciate that you are here working on things and at times helping others. It’s a wonderful thing to do.

The reason I am posting now if that I recently related to some of your posts. I’m almost 20 years older than you. But I’ve felt things in the past like what you were saying.

I had my first “girlfriend” at 10 years old. Oh I remember being infatuated with girls before that. As early as 5 years old. But the first one I called a GF was at 10. So young right?

So from 10 to 23, I had 15-20 Girlfriends of different lengths of times and intensities. Of all of those, I broke up with only 2 of them by my own free will.

I got “dumped” by the rest. I felt heartbreak of different levels almost every year of my young life. Of course that’s probably typical of many young men. But it didn’t make it hurt any less.

It got so noticeable that in my Circle one of my friends told my Mom: “Stevesn is a great BF to these girls. He makes them a great GF .... for the next guy”.

In my early 20s I thought this was my lot in life. That women would find me charming and good looking and loving and enjoy being with me, up to a point, but then they would find something missing, and feel bad about it, but not enough to stay. They’d always move on.

It didn’t stop me from trying. But it made me increasingly nervous in any relationship.

This all culminating in the woman, who I was going to ask to be my wife, cheating on me, twice. That was the bottom for me. The confirmation that I was unloveable.

I left her. She asked to come back 6 months later and I knew she’d never bring me happiness, no matter how I felt about her. Sometimes the emotions you feel in your heart don’t mean you belong together. It’s sad but true.

So after rejecting her request for trying R, I went NC and worked to find that person who was on my wavelength. I dated a lot. I met many nice women, but it was almost a year later when the right one walked into my life (as my signature line states).

She was smart, sexy and loving. But she was also level headed. Wanted the same connection I did and realized that early infatuation of each other would eventually fade but the value of a relationship and eventually a marriage went far beyond the walls of the bedroom (although that was always a piece of the puzzle).

She still makes my heart skip a beat when I see her, but most of that is the share experience we’ve had the last 30 years. And neither of us would trade that for anything.

ESD, I have to admit, your situation is a little unclear to me. I do t think you’ve mentioned what the betrayal exactly was. Your mentions of living as roommates leads me to believe that the romantic relationship is over In her mind.

I think I also have seen mention that kids are Involved but I missed how old and how many.

Regardless of those details, I want to ask you, what makes you think that a life long love is not around the corner for you.

From your thread here I see a sample of 2 relationships. Maybe you have had more that you have not described. If you have had more, did you break up with any of them, or did they all dump you (like me)? And if you have broken up with someone in the past, did they never find someone to love and to love them back? I doubt it. It’s possible, but I doubt it. I’m sure they were distraught when you left, but that didn’t mean they’d never have a mutually loving relationship, ever.

There are 200 million women in the U.S. alone. I can’t believe your sample of 2 extrapolates to a fact that none of the others are right for you and can be a loving life partner for you.

You’re a good man. There are millions of women out there who DONT think the same way as your ex and your current WS. They want to have a committed relationship with a good loving man and to make them happy and enjoy life with them.

Please don’t throw the opportunity to have that away. I know kids can complicate things, but millions of men and women successfully maneuver through those issues and still find happiness in new relationships.

I believe you can to. I’d like you to start believing this as well.

I’m sorry if I did not catch all the issues in your thread. Likewise I apologize if these thoughts do not resonate with you. But if it was all helpful, I hope you can start to think of a plan, path, road to get out of your current situation, find a plan that allows you to parent your children, and is not mutually exclusive to you meeting someone that you can have an enjoyable and secure relationship with.

I’m glad to discuss further if you are interested. Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:29 PM, October 15th (Monday)]

IceThee posted 10/23/2018 01:23 AM

Hey ESD :)

I haven't been on the website for a couple months, but I came specifically to check in on you. I don't have much brilliance to share, but wanted to let you know I'm still around and fighting for you (with you) in this battle. You are NOT alone!

Working out is a great idea! I've been doing that periodically and it does help a lot. So keep at it :)

That's all for now. :)


pureheartkit posted 11/8/2018 21:17 PM

Shell tell us what's going on. And also I want to hear about your weather up there. I've got some cool evenings finally and a neighbor just came back from the desert where he spent a week. The desert is peaceful and the sunrise is so beautiful.

There are some very calm people in the desert. Life seems slower there. Everyone hides inside in the middle of the day but in the fall, people come out and walk in the empty spaces. I like it, you cannot see a structure, only the land and mountains beyond. One time I saw wild sheep in the morning and another time a bobcat at dusk. There is always something to see.

It's a big world and sometimes it's nice to go somewhere new for a while. Even when people let me down, Nature never does.

anoldlion posted 11/9/2018 23:36 PM

Have you ever heard the old adage, "God helps those who help themselves"? God may have a plan for you but it's not going to work unless you do your part. You are in a toxic relationship to a woman, if I remember, you aren't married too. She shows you no love, no empathy, no physical intimacy, and no respect. She may have saved you at one time but now she is destroying you. Yet you still stay with her. That is not love that is dependency. Get away from her. Far away. She is draining you of money, emotion, happiness and life. I don't think it's God's plan for you to be miserable. Being with her is doing harm to your physical and mental health. The way you describe yourself sounds like a robot and God didn't create no man robot. Leave her. Being away from her can't be any worse than being with her. She cheated on you multiple times and with the attitude you describe she has, she's going to cheat again. Just a matter of time. Save yourself, no one can do it for you. That plan God has for you, go find it because it is not where you are at present. I do wish you well.

Emptyshelldad posted 11/24/2018 22:15 PM


Thank you very much for taking the time to respond with a heart of wanting to help me.

You are right in that I am very good to my lady and the previous one before her. I have had several short term casual relationships largely casual because I worked in the oil field in North Dakota for the years between my ex and my current ladt. I lost so much of myself the first time this happened that I wasn't really a whole person anymore. I wasn't about to leave my lucrative revenue stream in the oil field to move to where any of these girls lived and I wasn't ready to move them to me either. So mostly they fizzled or it was mutual when they ended.

But then I met my WW. And I thought I had found my soul mate. That god had me to through the pain of my first WW because he knew I would not leave her otherwise. So in order to find my current WW I would have to leave my first wife who in reality probably wasn't right for me. We got along great, but she wasn't the one to set my soul ablaze. Little Did I know that the one who would set my soul ablaze would also be the one who let it burn into charred ash and fall away into the dust of nothingness.

My feeling in my heart is that the Lord is seeing that love is a distraction to what he has planned for me, and thus he has to teach me the lesson through pain so that ill remember it in the future. I won't want to do this ever again. If we can't restore this love, I will not seek it out nor be open to it in the future. I will keep things casual and make money. That is where my Lord put my strength and it is my own weakness that is pulling me into these relationships. And so I feel he is teaching me a hard lesson, but I wont forget this time.

If I survive this, I will emerge stronger and harder. I will come out of this wiser, or not at all.

Though I will admit that your story gives me hope. Thank you for that.

annb posted 11/26/2018 05:51 AM

Hi, ESD, thank you for checking in.

It seems you are somewhat blaming yourself for your present situation. Nope! Don't do it. Your WW had a choice to be faithful or not. Has nothing to do with your first WW, your past actions, it is all on her.

I am glad you seem to be doing better, don't let the WW take you down, live life for yourself and your children. Work at a job you LOVE.

Hang in there, one day at a time!

BearlyBreathing posted 12/5/2018 19:57 PM

HI ESD- how are you?

Emptyshelldad posted 12/7/2018 01:26 AM

I am trying to hang on guys. Honestly though, every....EVERY day is a struggle. I admit that I still have not gone in for an anti depressant. I know I.need to. I'm in real bad shape. Its giving me literal physical pain in my heart, and I can't stop the thoughts in my own head.

We don't sleep in the same bed most nights. Sex is maybe once a month, or longer. And I have to really push for it. Its so humiliating to have to beg for what she gave so freely gave to others and in fact she was the pursuer in a lot of cases. So its killing me and I need to be numbed out. But I'm trying.

Wool94 posted 12/7/2018 08:09 AM

Sometimes it takes a while for the anti depressant to work that's why you need to go ahead and get it.

You're putting yourself through so much needless misery.

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