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Back again, this time I won't survive it.

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JellyGirl84 posted 9/2/2018 03:00 AM

I am sorry this has happened to you again. I haven't read your entire thread, just your first post and your most recent. I think it seems like you have decided to try getting through this in baby steps, and that is exactly how we all are getting through our own betrayals.

Sometimes, we see in others what we want to see. If this woman was the person you thought was going to be your salvation after your first wife betrayed you, perhaps you jumped into it too soon. We have to consider a "broken picker"; maybe if you look back on your time with this woman, you will notice some similarities in the way you interacted with each other as compared to your first relationship which ended in betrayal.

Her choices aren't your fault and have very little to do with you, except that, maybe, you welcomed a woman with similar baggage to your first wife into your life. That's worth looking into.

It is best to never seek our happiness from someone else or expect that someone will be our savior. We really have to be that for ourselves. The deep love you felt is natural and beautiful but it was pearls before swine. She doesn't deserve it and that's all on her.

As I said earlier, you have to get through this by taking small steps. Just try to eat, drink water, avoid booze, and stay busy with your responsibilities--especially if you have children; they need you! Keep posting here. It's the best place you never wanted to be in.

Downforthecount posted 9/2/2018 15:19 PM

There was a time I had a faith similar to yours. You are more like Job... I am... not.
To be honest, at some point during R I was driving to work thinking "You know my burdens, you know my future, you intervene if necessary...etc. etc. and yet you determined that an emotional pain of this depth was ok? It's ok for me to be hurt to a point beyond suicidal?.. ie I didn't even care to end it any more, I flat lined.. nothingness. no up no down no nothing for months, and that day in the car, that changed big time and I went into complete rage mode. I told god if this is the way he sees fit to lead my life he can officially eat shi@ and die, get the F out of my life and not come back." And that was the end of faith. My faith died at 5:35 am in a car traveling I4 along with her actions. Did I do the right thing? I dont know and I dont care. It's what I did. I'm not proud of it, but it's real. Why do I tell you this?
I find the alternate view of yours interesting, and while I cant say that I agree with you, I do see a strength in you that I didn't have. You said

I'm not meant for this. The Lord has a plan for me, but it doesn't include being loved like that. I need to let that part of me die off. And I'd feel so much better. Or at least a lot less bad.

No really.. seriously? You're OK with that? You are OK with just folding up and complying? With not being loved? Is your faith your strength/hiding place/refuge.. or is it your excuse to submit to being a beta in an alphas world and being unwilling to change?
This is not a discussion on religion. Your stand on that subject has zero affect on me or anyone else here. Your view on this subject does however give a very real existential view of how you see yourself. This needs to be a call to arms. You need to realize that the only one calling the shots in your life is you. Your happiness depends on you, no one else. You have to find that in you. Do I hear you? Yes. Have I been there? Yes, Crushed? Yes, Have I Ever in any relationship Not been cheated on? No! I hear you loud and clear. But.. The reality is Your strength comes from You. Your joy comes from you. You need to step back and look at you. Look at the things you like about you and smile, Look at the things you dont like and change them. Pull yourself up one more time. Vent Blog Rage Mourn Cry Meditate find a gym with a heavy bag and beat the hell out of it until you cant and then do it again. Run until you puke, catch your breath and run until you puke and catch you breath and run until you dont puke any more because you are getting stronger in the process. Drink a Lot of water (this emotional garbage is literally physically toxic and you have to flush it out). Pick a killer healthy diet (not a loose weight diet.. diet as in generally what you eat)and stick to it. You have to stand up one more time and heal. Your physical health is directly tied to your emotional health. Get physical.. it will help you get your head screwed on straight again. Then make a decision about what path to take. You have to take charge of you. You.

How you all are able to deal with all of this is really amazing to me.

My point of view on this is that most of us are not amazing. Most of us have taken critical damage and are just trying to make it back to port for repairs before we sink. Whats cool is the ones that make it back often start doing recovery missions for the rest of us. We find strength and move forward.

Emptyshelldad posted 9/3/2018 03:15 AM

I just read both of your replies. I'm going to digest them for a while, and reply to them. You both raise some very interesting points. Thank you.

Emptyshelldad posted 9/10/2018 00:42 AM

I'm thinking I'm going to try working out to help process my pain. In a way I could see it like machine maintenance since I'm feeling so robotic anyhow. That way it won't seem like work. Lol.

Your feelings on my situation got me thinking about the many ways I can try to handle this situation. Even though it doesn't change my view on "love", it does mean I can choose to get into better shape. Point well taken.

Downforthecount posted 9/11/2018 21:31 PM

One day at a time .... sometimes one second at a time.
You will make it. Just keep moving forward.

Western posted 9/11/2018 21:36 PM

and what is she doing to fix herself and help you at this point in time ?

Buster123 posted 9/11/2018 22:10 PM


[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:03 AM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

Emptyshelldad posted 9/17/2018 01:33 AM

Unfortunately, she's doing nothing about it at all. She has said she doesn't any of them affairs since we aren't legally married. She doesn't even consider it cheating so I don't know what she thinks about it. She will not talk to me about it at all. I'm definitely low about it all. Just kinda wishing I would die every day. It was a truly great love. But I can't make it last. What a fool I am.

pureheartkit posted 9/18/2018 22:52 PM

We are all fools, shell. But with luck, we can live to see better days. I'm taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best.

Emptyshelldad posted 10/2/2018 01:19 AM

Fighting the good fight, thank God for so much work here. I'm trying to stay busy, but its hard for sure. You can't get away from your thoughts. God will it ever end? I see all of these remorseful ww in the wayward section and I despair that my ww is nothing like any of them in terms of effort and accountability and......just trying.... Trying to do something to make it any better. Instead its just like we are sexless, platonic roommates who are just..... Biding our time until the inevitable skills this hollow husk of a love.

squid posted 10/15/2018 12:43 PM

I see all of these remorseful ww in the wayward section and I despair that my ww is nothing like any of them in terms of effort and accountability and......just trying.... Trying to do something to make it any better.

I get you. It's hard accepting that this is who they are. Glad you're keeping busy.

Thanks for checking in.

Stevesn posted 10/15/2018 13:25 PM


I am not sure if you are still reading this thread. I hope so.

Also, I believe this to be my first post on your thread. You came here in dire need and I wasnít sure that I had the tools to help you. Iím glad you are still here reading and posting. I credit you and the brave souls that have the words to help a man in such pain for that.

You seem like a really good guy. This world needs more like you. I appreciate that you are here working on things and at times helping others. Itís a wonderful thing to do.

The reason I am posting now if that I recently related to some of your posts. Iím almost 20 years older than you. But Iíve felt things in the past like what you were saying.

I had my first ďgirlfriendĒ at 10 years old. Oh I remember being infatuated with girls before that. As early as 5 years old. But the first one I called a GF was at 10. So young right?

So from 10 to 23, I had 15-20 Girlfriends of different lengths of times and intensities. Of all of those, I broke up with only 2 of them by my own free will.

I got ďdumpedĒ by the rest. I felt heartbreak of different levels almost every year of my young life. Of course thatís probably typical of many young men. But it didnít make it hurt any less.

It got so noticeable that in my Circle one of my friends told my Mom: ďStevesn is a great BF to these girls. He makes them a great GF .... for the next guyĒ.

In my early 20s I thought this was my lot in life. That women would find me charming and good looking and loving and enjoy being with me, up to a point, but then they would find something missing, and feel bad about it, but not enough to stay. Theyíd always move on.

It didnít stop me from trying. But it made me increasingly nervous in any relationship.

This all culminating in the woman, who I was going to ask to be my wife, cheating on me, twice. That was the bottom for me. The confirmation that I was unloveable.

I left her. She asked to come back 6 months later and I knew sheíd never bring me happiness, no matter how I felt about her. Sometimes the emotions you feel in your heart donít mean you belong together. Itís sad but true.

So after rejecting her request for trying R, I went NC and worked to find that person who was on my wavelength. I dated a lot. I met many nice women, but it was almost a year later when the right one walked into my life (as my signature line states).

She was smart, sexy and loving. But she was also level headed. Wanted the same connection I did and realized that early infatuation of each other would eventually fade but the value of a relationship and eventually a marriage went far beyond the walls of the bedroom (although that was always a piece of the puzzle).

She still makes my heart skip a beat when I see her, but most of that is the share experience weíve had the last 30 years. And neither of us would trade that for anything.

ESD, I have to admit, your situation is a little unclear to me. I do t think youíve mentioned what the betrayal exactly was. Your mentions of living as roommates leads me to believe that the romantic relationship is over In her mind.

I think I also have seen mention that kids are Involved but I missed how old and how many.

Regardless of those details, I want to ask you, what makes you think that a life long love is not around the corner for you.

From your thread here I see a sample of 2 relationships. Maybe you have had more that you have not described. If you have had more, did you break up with any of them, or did they all dump you (like me)? And if you have broken up with someone in the past, did they never find someone to love and to love them back? I doubt it. Itís possible, but I doubt it. Iím sure they were distraught when you left, but that didnít mean theyíd never have a mutually loving relationship, ever.

There are 200 million women in the U.S. alone. I canít believe your sample of 2 extrapolates to a fact that none of the others are right for you and can be a loving life partner for you.

Youíre a good man. There are millions of women out there who DONT think the same way as your ex and your current WS. They want to have a committed relationship with a good loving man and to make them happy and enjoy life with them.

Please donít throw the opportunity to have that away. I know kids can complicate things, but millions of men and women successfully maneuver through those issues and still find happiness in new relationships.

I believe you can to. Iíd like you to start believing this as well.

Iím sorry if I did not catch all the issues in your thread. Likewise I apologize if these thoughts do not resonate with you. But if it was all helpful, I hope you can start to think of a plan, path, road to get out of your current situation, find a plan that allows you to parent your children, and is not mutually exclusive to you meeting someone that you can have an enjoyable and secure relationship with.

Iím glad to discuss further if you are interested. Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:29 PM, October 15th (Monday)]

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