SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Friend

I promised I would be back to check in on you again and here I am. Why? because I care about you. Crazy isn't it. Some stranger from 13000 miles away, on the opposite side of the globe, cares about you. But is is true.

I care for two reasons. I see me in you, in so many ways. And I know now that I have worth beyond comprehension. But when I was in that spot where you are, it was so black, that it was impossible for me to see it.

I know exactly where you are right now. I was there. I so wish that there were some way that I could get you to read just my first JFO post, and then all of my most recent. I know all about getting my insurances and investments all neat and tidy and easy to follow for those left behind to sort out my things for me when I was at last at peace. I know about writing the apology letters to my 2 most precious little people. Innocent little people. More than anything, they are now what make me so thankful that someone cared enough to help me out of that pit.

The second reason that I care is your scree name. At first glance it seems as a hopeless cry for help. Look again. It has 2 parts. Emtyshell, yip, I can identify. BUT, then comes Dad. Yip, I am that too, and it is being that that makes walking the hurtful path out of infidelity worth every bit of it.

On Friday night, I was dead tired. It had been a short week because of a Monday public holiday. I had enough work for 2 full weeks and everything went wrong. Stayed for an extra hour at work on Friday evening but even that did not seem to make a dent. Traffic on the drive home was hell. Young chap with and old car broken down right in the middle of my off ramp off the highway. Managed to help him get his car going again, just long enough to get to my house. Dead tired, I get to be early. Just as I am drifting off, my lad is standing next to my bed, in awe of his dad and his ingenuity. Just the feeling in that moment, of being the super hero of my son, made everything that my wife did to me seem insignificant.

Just think. If you hold on and get through this, multiple moments just like this one, over and over, with both those precious children are there in your future with them.

They are worth it, I dont need to tell you that. You already know it.

Shell things always change. Keep talking to her. Don't flirt with leaving the world in your mind. That's not the answer, the true answer is getting yourself to the place where the thoughts don't come. Leaving the world will not help her to see anything. I know three kids who are struggling because their dad could not go on.

You are a person and you deserve love and loyalty. You deserve a life free of pain. You know what? These girls are going to need the same thing. I think it's horrible that you should go through this again. Could you please carry something small that reminds you of those girls. Hold it in your hand and tell yourself you're holding on for them when the thoughts come.

((((Emptyshelldad))))

Oh shell, I'm so very sorry for your deep and desperate pain. I was suicidal for years, and only recently got it under control

The pain and suffering that you feel is real, and it feels unbearable.

Killing yourself will not end pain, it will only transfer the pain to your precious, innocent children. I KNOW that you would do ANYTHING to avoid hurting them. That means for now keep putting one foot in front of the other.

If you are in immediate crisis, please call your local suicide hotline. Your next steps involve seeing a psychiatrist/IC to help you with medication and talk therapy.

If I told you that I had 4 heads and the only way to make the extra ones go away was to chop off my arm, you would think I was crazy. And you would be right - that solution is a result of distorted thinking. Right now, you cannot think of solutions other than suicide to move away from your pain because your brain is LYING TO YOU. Your thinking is distorted by your intense pain and suffering.

I too have been where you are. Full of despair. Futureless. Unable to bear ANY. MORE. PAIN.

Know there are people who understand. Know that there is help out there for you. Know that life does not always need to be the way that it is now. Know how many you touch and how much you would be missed if you were to take your own life.

I am sending out strength to you. I am sending out hope for your future with your precious children.

Please continue to reach out for help any moment that you are feeling this way. Your life is precious. You are precious. Trust that there are other solutions to any of life's problems. Trust that until you are able to KNOW it yourself.

Keep posting shell. There are many of us here that are very worried about you. You MATTER. Remember that. Please - PLEASE - reach out for help.

((((Emptyshelldad))))

((((Emptyshelldad))))

Please get help. Please remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I've been there, so I know what you are going through, more or less. Last August, I tried to kill myself when I got the last of the trickle truth out of my wife. I was literally delusional... I "heard" my wife tell me that I needed to kill myself.

Lucky for me, my wife called the police and they stopped me before I got too far. I spent about a week in a mental hospital, where I saw a psychiatrist and got about 6 hours of therapy each day.

Both the psychiatrist and the therapy helped me so much. It does get better. You can get better. Please get help.

I am so glad you updated, but please listen to the people on here. Your kids need you; think about them & only them if you need to at this point, but they NEED you. Please go and talk to someone; tell a friend, your family, go to the Dr. We are here for you to support you.

Emptyshelldad,

Please consider all these responses. PLEASE reach out to a suicide hotline or a mental health professional before you go further with your planning. Take that first step.

Your pain is making it very hard for you to think outside of the path you are on. There are other paths. There truly can be happiness for you. You just can’t see it right now and I get that.

As I wrote earlier, I have talked with the son of a BH who took his life as well as his SIL. I’ve heard the tremendous pain and loss that his suicide has caused them. The kids take it personally. That’s what kids do. They asked, “ why didn’t my dad want to see me graduate HS?” “Why wasn’t I enough of a reason for him to live?” They miss him every day. They want him there for all their momentous occasions. The only one they have left as a parent is the mom they know betrayed their father. It causes them true suffering.

I know you don’t want to suffer any longer, but I also hope you can think about your precious little ones and the impact that losing you will have on them. No one will ever replace their dad. They really do need you.

Please reach out to the hands that are reaching into the pit of despair and trying to help pull you out. We can’t do it virtually, so we need you to grab back and find a lifeline. Maybe, for now, you can commit to one day at a time. Please reach out to the resources that are best qualified to help you.

We want to get you out of this pit and bring you back into the light. We care. You are important. Your life matters.

I have avery good friend who we just lost at the age of 38. Her father took his life. While she didn't take her life, it was a medical emergency, she had to live without a father. Now her kids are without a mother.

I can't tell you how devastating that is.

Please rethink your plan and get help.

Unfortunately, the darkness drags me under, and there is no light strong enough to pull.me from its grip this time. She was the flame that brought me out and kept me from falling to darkness completely. But her light for me is fading, and burning brighter for another. Perhaps he needed it more than I did. Perhaps.... It is the lords will that he should emerge from his own darkness and grow into a man that can better the world around him.

Please, please, please call the suicide prevention hotline. Don't transfer your pain to other people.

THERE IS NO PERSON, NO RELATIONSHIP WORTH ENDING YOUR LIFE OVER

I am praying for you.

I am so sorry for your pain. We all remember the feelings in the early days after DDay. Please know that it DOES get better. You can survive this.

A lot of BSs think about ending it, however briefly. I know I did. But please know that you ARE worth something, and you do have a place in this world. Especially to your children, you are a central part of their world, and your removal from it would transfer your great pain to them and leave them with lasting problems and questions. Please don't do that.

Like I say, I did think about these things several times. Now I can see more clearly, I know I could not do that to my children, or indeed others in my family such as my parents and sister. There are people out there who love you. For a moment, think about if this was your friend or family member contemplating this, what would you tell them?

Please keep moving forward, one day or one hour at a time.

Please get help urgently. Call a helpline, make an appointment with your doctor.

Hi, Empty, please check back in.

You have dozens of members here who care, you can even PM them and talk privately.

I think many of us wanted to just slither away after our D-Days. The pain is gut-wrenching, but know this.....you are worth more than someone else's actions.

Think about those precious girls walking down the aisle with their dad on their arm. They need you.

Please seek help and post as often as you can.

Praying for you.

Please let us know you are okay.

You can and will survive this, we are all there for you.

You can be happy again-I am. So may of us are.

Please reach out for help. Go to your local hospital and ask for help. Call the suicide hotline. Call a friend. Call family.

I'm adding my voice to the others here to let you know that we are thinking of you and care about you and we feel your pain. I'm a mental health counselor and want you to know that you can survive this pain. You can survive and have a good life again and not cause further pain to your daughters and other relatives. It feels hopeless now, but you can still have a good, fulfilling life regardless of your wife's actions.

I've worked with dozens of people who have attempted suicide. With help of medication and counseling every single one of them has come to be grateful for the life they have now. Every single one of them was able to find hope and sweet things in life again. Every one of them came to realize that life gets better.

I've worked with dozens of people who have had a loved one commit suicide. Their pain goes on for years and years.

So many of us have walked in your shoes and thought about escaping the pain because it feels unbearable and that it is impossible to live with such rejection. We survived. Our lives got better. You can survive this too.

There are many others here on SI who have survived two relationship where there was infidelity. Those Members know exactly what you are feeling. Post a thread asking for help from other's who have survived I in two different marriages, I'm sure someone can help you with this very painful event.

[This message edited by better4me at 5:22 PM, April 9th (Monday)]

Think about those kids telling you how much they love you.

Think about all their first milestones, steps, words, etc.

Think about their birthday parties.

Think about them dressing up for Halloween.

Think about them hugging you.

Think about teaching them to ride a bike.

Think about taking them for ice cream.

Think about tickling them and making them laugh.

Think about the pictures they'll draw for you in school.

Think about going on dates with them.

Think about taking them to the zoo.

Think about taking them to the beach for the first time.

Thinking about telling them bed time stories.

Think about drying their tears when they're sad (or have hurt themselves).

Think about comforting them when they're scared (like a loud thunderstorm)

Think about encouraging them when they're down.

Think about teaching them to read, and once they learn how, laying beside them as they read "Cat in the hat" to you.

Think about taking them to see Santa.

Think about taking them to the park and pushing them on the swing.

Think about taking them to the movies and buying them popcorn.

Think about them dying Easter eggs.

Think about them coming home and telling you a good grade they made on a test.

Think about their graduations.

Think about their weddings.

I can go on and on but I think you get the picture.

Listen, nobody knows how long they have in this thing called life. Your life is like a novel. There's going to be great chapters where you can't turn the pages quick enough to find out what happens next, and there's going to be chapters that suck and you'd just soon forget what happened. Good things are going to happen and there WILL BE BAD THINGS AS WELL.

That said, just like a novel, each chapter (good or bad) will come to an end and a new one begins.

Sure you're experiencing something that tore you apart previously and you don't want to go through it again.

As others have said, you got through it before and YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT AGAIN.

This time however you have those two little ones to inspire you.

Hang in there and PLEASE confide with someone who has experience dealing with these emotions.

God bless you my friend and praying that you find the peace you're seeking.

The OW in my situation, her first H killed the OM then himself!!

Left behind an 18 month old who had to grow up w/o her Dad, and with her mother cheating with my H, breaking up another family.

I knew I would never let OW and WS raise my kids.

Think.

You are making your children grow up with your WW and a cheating AP. And you will cause them great pain.

Plz love your kids more than your despair.

Plz get help. I did. I called a treatment facility and did 2 weeks outpatient. Several BS were there.

Brother! Grow up You gonna kill yourself because you are hurt, come one brother you only have one life, you gonna end it because of someone. You have not even meet other people, that are better and will make you happy. Respectfully cut the b.s and get help. She is not worth it, remember only one life.

Hi ShellDad

Another sleepless night for me. I definitely know how hard this life is and some days it is just cruel. I, too, am going through my second marriage that I got cheated on. My husband left for COW and never looked back. I have also felt like I can't make it through this shit again. And then my girly walks in the door from school and she's talking a mile a minute. Her prom is only weeks away and she is beyond excited. And I realize....once again.....nothing else matters.

Please just concentrate on those two girls. They need you. I pray that you are okay.

I suffer from serious depression. When I have thoughts like these I read something I found on the net and it helps.

"I tell myself, what if I give up now, I'll never know what's ahead, maybe something really good is just around the corner, if I do this, I'll never find out

If I kill myself? Hope is the only thing I will have. The hopes of a dead person. Because there will be no more doing. No more action. No more choices. No more chances. It is becoming completely powerless to affect any kind of change that I want to happen, or might want to happen, for anyone, myself included, ever.

If I kill myself? I won't be there for anyone else, when they might have needed me.

If I kill myself? I will have failed myself, and everyone I love, and anyone I might have loved... Forever."

esDad,

That is one tough way to make the pain go away. A solution with such permanence for that which is temporary. This sounds almost flippant doesn't it when your whole being is in despair?

The seeming permanence of your pain can begin to be erased with giving yourself the gift of seeking help from professionals. Professionals who would only have your best interests at heart. Restoring you. I would like you to give yourself this gift.

esDad, it is clear you would do anything to make the pain go away. Can that be seeking the help of experts? Why can't that be seeking the help of others? Make that call to the experts. What do you give up by making that call? It is a path to healing. Please take that first step. Call them.

By giving yourself that gift, you give your daughters the gift of a lifetime with you. Gift yourself. Gift them.

edited typo

[This message edited by TimelessLoss at 12:51 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

Emptyshelldad,

I know that in this moment, the only thing you can feel is the anguish in your heart. I can't imagine having to endure it a second time. But here you are. We all know what you're experiencing. Some of us have also dealt with multiple betrayals. But here we are. Surviving. And for many, THRIVING. Your pain is transitory. It will pass. Try to look ahead to the future where you're SuperDad for your kids. Let their happiness be a beacon for you, to get you through this darkness.

THIS PAIN WILL PASS.

Pray for the lords will, be that her choosing her happiness and it being me,(in which case ill be on here a lot for reconciliation advice) or that the other man, a better man than I will rise from the light her new love.

Don't allow the will of someone else dictate how you choose to find your own happiness. Gently, you are worth far more than someone who would disrespect you so much.

Your kids NEED a father. Please reach out for help. Friends, family, professionals...whatever. Reach out.

There is life beyond this.

Sending you strength.

Hey there. I can relate to your feelings. I really can. I've been that person cradling a gun. I've done the drive-bys, looking for that perfect place to do it, knowing that I could never subject my loved or even not so loved ones, to the horrific body mess that most suicides of that type make. I’ve figured out the drug calculations. I have the means and I have the knowledge. I’ve walked up to that edge on more than one occasion, and I don’t rule out walking up there again.

What I’ve learned from the edge, is that mostly, I just want the pain to go away. I want the pain to stop. Simply stop. I want to feel something other than pain. Yet I also know that when I am in pain, mentally or physically, I don’t make good decisions. I make pain-driven decisions that are short sighted. Because I can’t concentrate on anything but the pain. It consumes my mind and my body. To make good decisions, I have to somehow step away from the pain.

So my bargain with my selves is that I will step away from the pain. I will find a way to detach myself from the pain so that I can make good decisions. Good decisions for me, good decisions for my family, good decisions for my community, the others interlinked with me by blood or choice. And I think hard, about the impact that one single person can have, to all of those overlapping rings. I’ve been in the ER seeing the impact of death on families. I’ve done S&R and seen the impact of finding bodies on the team around me. I’ve crossed fire lines, and have watched the anguish on the faces of people held back from crossing, to try to find that missing loved one. So I darned well know what the impact of a “single” death can be. And I think, really hard, about if my pain trumps the pain of the others who would be impacted by my taking my life. Knowing what I know, can I justify ending my transitory pain, by thrusting it onto others?

Thus far, my answer has always been no. Which gives me a starting point to work myself out of the pain. Maybe one day it will be yes. But not today. It need not be today for you, either.