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Home From Deployment to Hell

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longsadstory1952 posted 5/11/2018 08:59 AM

We see a lot here, but what gets me about this one is how public her affair was. Friends and neighbors were aware, going to public settings for all to see, right down to the night before the supposed return. Yet she apparently expected to pick up right where they left off when H came back. This is a smart woman with everything on the line.

Then she acts devastated when she gets caught. What planet do these people spring from?

The1stWife posted 5/11/2018 13:55 PM

Naval War College in RI?

My uncle was President there for years. Alll the best if you attend.

LtCdrLost posted 5/13/2018 22:44 PM

Back in VaBch, this should be a busy week. The house is getting listed, I have a debrief with my command, and I'll be spending some time with a Navy doctor. Sometime this week I'll see my attorney, I'm hoping the stbxw stays clear with no contact. It's still somewhat surprising how differently I view her than I did before this last deployment. Hell, the sun rose and set on her for me since 2002... Now, I don't even want to look at her or hear her voice.

Jduff posted 5/14/2018 09:28 AM

Beyond your STBXW, you'll very likely look at marriage from a whole new perspective as well. Maybe even redefine it with your new reality.

Hell, the sun rose and set on her for me since 2002

I used to think that way as well. Not any more after having someone so close in your life like that who ends up knifing you in the back when least expected. I often read this in other people's stories "I thought everything was fine in our relationship." Or "People kept telling us we were the perfect couple or had the perfect marriage." I hear this now among my friends, coworkers and acquaintances and I think "Well, they just got the albatross of infidelity hung over the front door of their marital home..."

notanotherchance posted 5/14/2018 14:08 PM

Hell, the sun rose and set on her for me since 2002... Now, I don't even want to look at her or hear her voice.


I hear you my man. When I filed I have never laid eyes on or even talked to my WW again. To me she is invisible. Fuck her. I am one of those who followed my M vows. I have worked in some shitehole countries for various oil companies for the past 28 as an engineer & have had ample opportunities to cheat but never considered it. My WW sitting at home enjoying the fruits of my labor unfortunately for my M had different ideas
I cannot understand how some BS can seriously state that their WS is better & the M is better after their WS cheated on them???
Where I am from the best M are ones where their partner doesn't have sex with other people & when found out say oops my bad, then start spewing out the verbal diarrhea of excuses and blame shifting on the BS.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:14 PM, May 14th (Monday)]

wocket posted 5/14/2018 14:13 PM

I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to share your story. This shit sucks. Your willingness to be open about what happened has inspired me to open up to others in my life about what happened. Which, in turn, has gotten me support from people that I never knew would be available.

So thanks. Really.

SAM25nov2016 posted 5/14/2018 14:47 PM

LCL - welcome back - I continue to be in awe of your level-headed decisiveness. It used to be something I thought I was good at, apparently I’m not, at all.

Jduff- THIS...
“Or People kept telling us we were the perfect couple or had the perfect marriage....Well, they just got the albatross of infidelity hung over the front door of their marital home..."

I always used to cautious about gushing too much about my husband and our relationship because I didn’t want to come off as ‘that person’. But there was no doubt in my office as to how much I loved my husband and that we were the very best of friends. Ugh 😑
Now when I hear about couples being perfect I want to say ‘take it down a notch or you should probably check his phone!’

Notanotherchance - THIS made me laugh

‘Where I am from the best M are ones where their partner doesn't have sex with other people.’

You win! Bravo 👏

MidnightRun posted 5/14/2018 15:08 PM

Your decisiveness brought back memories of the approach I took in dealing with a wife who had the audacity to fuck someone else, then beg for forgiveness.

I saw her as an alien--a life form from another planet.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:11 PM, May 14th (Monday)]

The1stWife posted 5/14/2018 18:06 PM

Just an FYI my H had two EAs. No sex. Confirmed by both OW - I saw the correspondence and emails and there was no sex. When he ended the second EA the OW wrote she was glad they never had sex in her email telling him off for ending it.

However it is still cheating. I don’t care sex or no sex.

And yes we have a better M now. He has changed.

He was always a good H. Treated me well. I had very little complaints. It he chose to cheat by getting an ego boost from other women.

But now he is different. He understands and realizes his mistakes. We are lucky we could reconcile.

People make poor choices. For some people cheating is not something they can forgive. Or live with (if they can forgive).

In some cases based on posts here I don’t think I could stay married to the CS.

I dated a serial cheater when I was young (20). He preyed on me b/c he could see how naive I was. As soon as I found out - that relationship ended and I never saw him again.

However on my M I chose to give my H a second chance. And it has been successful. Lucky us.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 6:07 PM, May 14th (Monday)]

LtCdrLost posted 5/15/2018 10:51 AM

The debrief went well, apparently the decisions I made during the months I had the knowledge that my "loving wife" back here was actually a cheating whore passed the scrutiny I received for them.
I see a Navy mental health professional at 1400 today. I have an aversion to the word "psychiatrist", but that's what he is. I know of this Dr by reputation, some of my colleagues have also seen him through the years. Ruining careers isn't his life's calling so I feel pretty good about it.
I also have an appointment scheduled with my divorce attorney for Thursday, that should be informative. I haven't heard anything different since the telephone call last week so I'm assuming the D train is still rolling down the tracks. I need to get a timeline in mind.
I signed a contract with a realtor to list the house, and my attorney is obtaining my stbxw's signature. That was discussed last week between the two counselors. The realtor is able to "stage" the house for showing without my participation. I was clear & open with her that I'm never setting foot in it again, and the reason for that. She's a very very attractive 30 yr old brunette, I picked up on a subtle change in her demeanor after that disclosure. Just a point of interest at this time is all. No ring on her finger though, I did take note of that. At some point I intend to get back out there and spend time with a woman. "A" didn't kill that part of me though she certainly killed it toward her.
That's all I have to report, and I'm way past the "just found out" point. Should I continue this thread or go over to the D/S forum?

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 10:52 AM, May 15th (Tuesday)]

Kamstel posted 5/15/2018 11:05 AM

In addition to no longer just finding out, you may want to start a new thread because you are quickly approaching the 50 page limit.

It seems to me that a new thread in either Divorce or New Beginnings as the divorce may be simple, and you have no intention of seeing or talking to her again.

Good luck

LtCdrLost posted 5/15/2018 11:09 AM

You're correct, but with 5 1/2 pages to go I'm thinking just keep everything here until that point is reached. My situation is no longer as kinetic, so those 5 1/2 pages might last awhile. I really meant does site policy apply here? I went afoul of site policy in the Wayward forum yesterday, apparently policies on SI are assiduously enforced.

Jduff posted 5/15/2018 11:14 AM

I picked up on a subtle change in her demeanor after that disclosure. Just a point of interest at this time is all.

Yup, the heightened senses to the opposite sex tend to be a common reaction that I personally experienced and read of other betrayed men experiencing as well. Particularly, when we've run out of fucks in our situations and go full bore on the D path. A definite sign we are moving on. However, make sure to dissect and examine your "picker" so as to not repeat the same mistakes and the same kind of women, even if for just "fun and games". Don't get hoodwinked by what seems "comfortable" with the next lady. There's a reason behind that "comfortable".

Kamstel posted 5/15/2018 11:14 AM

Don’t worry, we all get taken out to the SI woodshed sooner or later.

Personally I thought she needed that 2 x 4 you gave her (and every other cheating wife)

wifehad5 posted 5/15/2018 11:17 AM

PM for you Kamstel

MidnightRun posted 5/15/2018 11:19 AM

It's your call whether to move over to d forum now, but you may want to finish out the 50 pages afforded here.

Jduff posted 5/15/2018 11:36 AM

I also like the idea of you finishing out the thread here as well. Your story, from Dday to conclusion, will be another case study for this site on how to handle infidelity. Whether R or D, we've got legend members here. You are most certainly the newest one, LtCdrLost.

xhz700 posted 5/15/2018 12:22 PM

50 page limit isn't a policy, it's a technical limitation. You are welcome to start a new thread here, in D/S, General, wherever.

I am a BH, so I want you to know that the slap in W was well deserved. It's not just because of your identity as a BH, but the tone of the post. They attempt to moderate in a way that best helps Ws deal with their shit, and to be frank, as much as I respect what you've done in your life, what you said didn't foster any benefit in W.

It seems like you still have some unresolved issues/feelings about the affair. I get the whole military/masculine thing, but I get the impression that there are some things that you will need to process, and I think that you should do it soon. I understand wanting to understand why this might have happened. I will recommend posting in the ICR forum under B questions for Ws. The whole thread is actually a good read. Or, you would just sit down and ask your STBXW. You may or may not get a reasonable or insightful answer from her.

I can save you a little time if you like.

Are wives such as you simply amoral, lacking any integrity? The marriage vows no more than lines spoken as though in a play? Or is your "morality" just purely situational? I assume you follow at least some of society's accepted mores, so I wonder how marriage vows are so easily disregarded. I've read your husband's posts enough to understand that aside from discovering we have unknowingly shared our wives with other men, there isn't much in the way of similarity in our situations. Yet still, you and I are both here online at this moment, so I pose the question.

You have an issue looking at things in a somewhat black and white manner. She (in this case I am going to speak for your XTBXW in general terms) isn't lacking ANY moral integrity, but she's lacking some, specifically in one area. Yes, her morality was situational. She doesn't see the world like you do, and her reasoning fell somewhere between "LtCdrLost won't find out" and "LtCdrLost won't leave me if he finds out". Probably there is some hubris about her ability to bring you back into the relationship by batting her eyes and bringing you to bed (which by the way is bolstered by the fact that she had TWO men competing for her affections).

The truth is, your STBXW cared more about getting her immediate needs met than she did about her commitment to you. Same with every W everywhere forever and ever, amen.

My recommendations to you, in order...

Get in to see an IC to process this stuff. I am an engineer, and I have similar tendencies toward rigid constructs. Emotions don't fit, as hard as we try to make them.

When you're ready to date, date someone who works in teaching/art... I guess take it or leave it, but I have benefited a lot from surrounding myself with people unlike myself.

latebloomer45 posted 5/15/2018 12:42 PM

What xhz said perfectly. You are clearly a well controlled person. Good for you. But pain must be processed.

Good luck to you.

MidnightRun posted 5/15/2018 12:54 PM

Jduff,

Lt.C is indeed a legend in the making. A sterling example of the importance of discipline and taking control.

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