SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

2018, I’m clear on the STD’s. At this point I wouldn’t f*ck her with your d*ck, ha ha. No offense intended. BTW how much coarse language passes muster here? I assume we’re all adults past the age of majority.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 9:14 AM, April 11th (Wednesday)]

So sorry you are here under these circumstances. Thank you for your service. You are decisive which is critical in this situation. I agree with everything DeadMumWalking stated. The advice is spot on. Strength to you.

Wise words from House of Plane, LCL. Wise words.

We all speak French quite well around here LT. Especially in this forum. You won't offend anyone.

Take care of yourself. Take care of your career and your future. You don't want to do anything you might regret in the future.

You got this.

Jduff, the package from the PI is not the product of of an NCIS investigation, I paid for it. I'm certain they'll conduct their own 100% independently of what my PI produced. I'm providing it to assist them in their efforts. The POS's Court Martial will be based on the results of the government investigation, not on what my (very expensive) PI has produced. I have no intention of requesting JAG permission to share the materials, I'm just taking that initiative on my own.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:15 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

how much coarse language passes muster here?

We don't fucking care...

Just don't use the "c" word (c**t). Other than that, feel free to unload!

I'm sorry you are here, though. Please spend some time reading in the Healing Library in the upper left. There is a wealth of information that can be of help, including the abbreviations that are used here.

Though you sound like you have a good plan in place, you still need to deal with the trauma that infidelity induces. It will put you in a mindfuck like you have never experienced before. Before you go scorched earth, do you have yourself protected financially? You want all your ducks in a row BEFORE she realizes what is happening. Protect yourself. Read about the 180 and NC (no contact) except for financial or other legal reasons. These methods are not about punishing her, but rather a way for you to keep an emotional distance as you process the shit sandwich that has been thrown at you. You may be in a mindset of rage right now (and justifiably so!), but you are also just getting started on what we refer to as the rollercoaster ride from hell. In other words, you will find your emotions taking wild extremes for a while - up one minute, down the next. Just know it is ALL normal.

Again, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you are amongst people who understand what you are feeling. We truly do get it, and we are here for you so keep posting!

I did some reading here while awaiting my account to be approved and to gain posting privileges. I'll write some background later tonight.

Thank you for serving. I appreciate what you do for us.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You’ll find good support here.

Welcome LCL!

I'm glad you have people who have your back. Textbook decisive action on your part so far. You have confirmed, gathered evidence... you have a plan and are focused and pissed enough for follow through. Well done

In a way it was advantageous that you were on deploy for a few months. Allowed you to get organized after being emotionally run over.

A few things to add to the great advice you have already received. First is to prepare yourself for a new wave, waves really, of emotion that will come once you hit the ground and start interacting with people. You have been well prepared but it's likely that it will be more 'real' then. You will be more pissed than you are now, so work through scenarios of what to do so then, so that you don't cause yourself problems with your career. OK?

Also keep up with your physical fitness. Exercise is a wonderful thing. Alcohol? Usually a bad idea both for the depressive effects and how it tanks one's self discipline (see point above).

My only comment, LCL, is to not screw up her job before D. It could affect spousal support. I can't remember if you said it you had children. If you don't then there may not be an issue. If you do there might be and I would think you wouldn't want to harm your relationship with them.

I'm Canadian but thank you for your service, too.

LtCdrLost,

My husband was active duty Air Force during his first few affairs. I informed his command, believing adultery was prohibited per the UCMJ, yet nothing was done. Oh wait, the Air Force suspended his PRP (Personal Readiness Program) status for a few weeks, then reinstated it. No court marshall, no dishonorable discharge, no jail time, nothing.

Now he's a civilian contractor, despite me telling his Security Clearance investigators that he's a cheater. Still nothing.

Do you mind if I say I'm rooting for you to burn them SO thoroughly? Just call it my living vicariously through you.

Go LtCdrLost!!!

[This message edited by 20yrsagoBS at 5:24 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

Sorry you have a reason to be here, but I'm so thankful for your service!

Don’t do anything to lose her job unless your in a fault state. You don’t want to pay alimony.

Also either have a witness or a VAR on you so she can not claim abuse. That is a cheater handbook move.

I am sorry you had to join us, but welcome to our fucking world. This world has been a life saver for me.

Me again.

I really want you think about this. People have long memories. If you are up for assignments etc someone might say, “Remember he is the guy that went nuts over his wife cheating.” The other guys says, “Maybe we need to rethink this”. You.Do.Not.Want.Anything.In.Your.File. Period.

You can’t undo anything she has done. Don’t be the person that 10 years from now wishes he hadn’t done what he had done. Reporting him, yeah. Trying to get her in trouble will make you look bad. Just accept that you are now free of her.

Nothing shittier than this but you will get through it.

Take care

Hello, sir. EM3 Unhinged at your service. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join. I'm really sorry you've had to find us here, but you've come to the right place.

I understand your pain and anger. I understand the outrage and the rage. Been there and done that, you know? I heard similar stories while returning from sea. I've 'met' quite a few servicemen here, on SI, who've been betrayed while deployed and that only adds to the shit storm (especially when it comes to combat vets).

Before you go and blow-up this OM's life, consider the impact that might have on his family, particularly his children (assuming he has some). I wanted to blow-up the OM's life as well. I planned out a few scenarios and every time I realized two things. First, it wouldn't make me feel much better. It wouldn't be justice and it wouldn't really be revenge. I left the revenge part up to his BW. Second, if the OM lost his job and it fucked-up his career, his kids would suffer most and they didn't deserve that. As it was, the OM was already fucking up their lives more than I possibly could just by being him.

It's a big Navy, but it's a small tight-knit, family, you know?. Your actions will get around and they might, as you can imagine, impact YOUR career. If you're looking for a star on your shoulder, you don't want this shit in the background.

I would, of course, highly recommend that you inform the OBS (other betrayed spouse, aka the POS's wife) as soon as possible. Let her know everything you know and don't tell your WW that you've done it.

Hang in there, Commander. For most people, surviving infidelity will be the most painful and challenging time of their lives. It has been for me.

Open your own bank account and move 1/2 of any joint accounts into it. Once she is served, she'll probably freak and try to clean out any accounts. This way you're protected.

Retired O-6 here. Dealt with a lot of this as a CO. The one element that causes many commands not to pursue is that the offense must be prejudicial to good order and discipline, which is open to a lot of interpretation. It is hard to get proof that meets evidentiary standards for CM. Most that are pursued are plead down to a Mast. Often the adultery charge is thrown in with a CM in conjunction with other charges. Don't get ahead of yourself when it comes to what his command might or might not do. You can still do a lot of damage though. I hate that you are going through this, seen far too much in my time. Semper Fi.

[This message edited by Cromer at 6:30 PM, April 10th (Tuesday)]

What the OM did was wrong. It is codified in UCMJ for a reason. You gathered the evidence. Let that proper people know and then stay out of it. The OM did this not you. Any reprocusions are on his soul. Don't let him continue to do this. Think if he did this to someone else 2 years from now how would you feel if you did nothing. Actions have consequences. Just stay out of screwing with him after you let the right people know. Make it business and not personal as much as you can with h8m. Cold calm and collected. Just my opinion.

I met my wife, who I'll refer to henceforth as "C" (edited for a modicum of anonymity), during my Second Class year at USNA. We were married in the Academy Chapel during Commissioning Week right after graduation. She lived with one or the other of our parents as I went through the training pipeline, then we made our residence in the Tidewater region of Virginia as I deployed over and over and over from 2006 to this most recent deployment.

Nine deployments over 12 years with the operational forces of the Atlantic Fleet. "C" never expressed dissatisfaction with this and I've never known her to simply internalize things which bothered her.

So, where do I go from here? I don't see how we come back from this. This wasn't a stupid drunken one night stand from a night at the Hot Tuna. This was something entirely different, and I can literally feel the resolve to divorce hardening in me.

In response to the question about children, we have none. "C" had difficulties carrying to term, after the 2nd miscarriage she wouldn't try any further. I very much wanted to revisit that decision, but it was to no avail. "The baby factory is closed" was the response. I stopped bringing it up 5-6 years ago. I'd have never left her over that, but I want a family, and the events which have transpired mean that may still happen, albeit with a different woman.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 11:18 PM, April 16th (Monday)]

Cromer, thank you for the comment, sir. Some of what was turned up indicates use of Navy communications to conduct the illicit affair. JAG will probably pursue that to whatever endpoint it goes to. That should make life interesting for a certain airframe tech... I'll be with JAG tomorrow to set that portion in motion, then Friday is going to be D-Day. Cheating whore wife will be served at work and the POS's wife will be contacted. I'm naming POS in the divorce documents.