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wifehad5 posted 5/15/2018 13:58 PM

xhz700, Please remember Guideline #2:
ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

Please don't pull from other's posts.

LtCdrLost posted 5/15/2018 14:10 PM

xhz, there won't be any civilian IC involved in this on any level, at least on my part. I'm getting professional counseling from far above the "social worker" level, my first appointment just concluded a short time ago. There are a few more scheduled to address unresolved issues from my stbxw's torching of the marriage. A definite endpoint is identified, however. The aim is to clarify and resolve, not to wallow endlessly in emotional quicksand. Stbxw probably should engage an IC however, and fix herself. She's a very attractive woman who will very likely lure in another husband immediately upon beginning to try. While I care nothing about how her next marriage might fare, avoiding what she brought upon herself and our marriage is a desirable outcome. I truly don't hate her.
What you refer to (derisively? I can't tell for sure) as my "issue looking at things in a somewhat black and white manner", is considered an admirable quality in my community. I have no interest in learning how to become comfortable with situational ethics & values. I'm aware from reading this site fairly extensively that many have that characteristic at their very core. I cede that willingly to them. As I mentioned some pages back, I'm not going to internalize my stbxw's character flaws.
I'm aware I offered nothing constructive to the WW I addressed yesterday, hence the apology I PM'd her. Her BH should probably hit her with questions that hard, but it wasn't my place to do that.
BTW, my degree is an engineering degree though I never pursued the profession. If I obtain the graduate degree which I likely will obtain in the next few years, it will carry me yet farther away. But I relate to your point concerning rigid constructs.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 2:11 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)]

Lalagirl posted 5/15/2018 14:15 PM

You're doing great, all things considered.

Stbxw probably should engage an IC however, and fix herself.

Not your problem (but good that you're concerned for her mental health and that of an unsuspecting future husband).

You have been through so much in such a short period - I hope you have more downtime scheduled.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/15/2018 14:19 PM

Lt.C is indeed a legend in the making. A sterling example of the importance of discipline and taking control.
I think it is not only unfair to make Lt.C out as some kind of legend it is also doing a disservice to many, many, many members. Most are nothing like Lt.C, but are who they are, autonomous human beings, that are just as worthy to have admiration for surviving infidelity as anyone else is.

xhz700 posted 5/15/2018 14:37 PM

The aim is to clarify and resolve, not to wallow endlessly in emotional quicksand.

Respectfully, processing things in the wrong way, or not processing them at all, is EXACTLY how a person ends up wallowing in emotional quicksand. You will certainly do what you think is best for you, but please consider the possibility that what you think is best might not be all that you need.

What you refer to (derisively? I can't tell for sure) as my "issue looking at things in a somewhat black and white manner", is considered an admirable quality in my community. I have no interest in learning how to become comfortable with situational ethics & values. I'm aware from reading this site fairly extensively that many have that characteristic at their very core.

I am by no means telling you to start down some slippery slope of moral equivocation. You asked some questions that led me to believe that there is some pain underlying your demeanor. I am not being derisive, and sometimes a black and white view is the right one, but it isn't always, and sometimes things don't fit.

To use a sports analogy, because I'm lazy, it's like you hit a home run and haven't circled the bases. I truly respect the decisiveness with which you got out of infidelity. It isn't that I think that your way is the only way, but you decided it was the way for you, and you took action. I wish I had taken a similar tact a decade ago.

So you did a great job at triage, now you have to treat the wound.

(sorry wifehad5, my bad)

The1stWife posted 5/15/2018 14:52 PM

Wow lots of opinions on this thread.

Respectfully the thread was written by someone who did what was right for them.

Support was offered and provided by many contributors. The choice is something we do not have to agree with but respect.

LtCdrLost posted 5/15/2018 15:00 PM

xhz, I'm very well supported in this. That's what I spent time on earlier today. The resources available to NSW personnel are multifaceted. I won't be approaching this as an open-ended thing, there's no need for that. Please consider the possibility that what I and the Dr. I spoke with today think is best for me might not be all that you believe I need. However, that is an academic point. Sir, I have come through many experiences which while not the same as what my stbxw has brought to me, have been beyond trying nonetheless.

Cooley2here posted 5/15/2018 15:09 PM

The name of this site is SurvivingInfidelity. That is what you are doing. I am guessing that the group you are bonded to has losses/grief beyond what we here can conceive. Your training makes you go toward danger rather than run from it. We are dedicated to your success in overcoming your pain. We just want to support you in however you manage your life.
My issue was years ago but some here are still trying to wade out of the mire that adultery put them in so your fast pace recovery looks admirable but very unusual. But! We hope with help from your counseling you will continue to heal and not find out later that there were some leftover issues.
I donít read any snarkiness so much as concern.

LtCdrLost posted 5/15/2018 15:20 PM

And I do appreciate the concern, truly I do. The coping skills I've had instilled in me and the resolution framework which has allowed me to keep moving forward in the past is what I'm counting on here.
Also, it's worth mentioning again that while I first posted here in "Just Found Out" on 10 April, I have known for certain that I had no wife and no marriage to come home to for more than four months prior to that.

MidnightRun posted 5/15/2018 15:40 PM

The Navy has taught you well: You're using accumulated character skills and tenacity to address the challenge at hand.

Your stbxw wife and om have none of these assets, thus her delusional episodes and his tears.

Cream always rises to the top.


gtflng posted 5/15/2018 16:13 PM

How he is handling it will work for him because thatís how he is wired. We might think itís rigid and rugsweeping and avoidant... but if thatís how heís wired, thatís what will work.

God, part of me wishes I could be so swift and decisive. I *could* do it his way, but it wouldnít work for me because thatís not who I am.

Thereís not a right way or a wrong way or a ďlegendĒ way. The only way you do this wrong is to live outside of what is right for you. To do it inauthenticaly. We are all wading through knee-high shit. He found the right way out for him.

[This message edited by gtflng at 4:14 PM, May 15th (Tuesday)]

PricklePatch posted 5/16/2018 07:53 AM

LCL

You are further along in the process then lots of people. You knew for a months and made a clear decision. I think your using your resources well and have a quiet determination to be a survivor.

As a person who advised you to stick to this thread. Feel free to move to D/S in your time frame.

Also remember this is the internet. You donít have to answer everyone.

Glad your back from training. I think the day to day grind, might make this journey a little harder. Still rooting for that beach yoga....lol. Somehow, I think laying in the waves for god knows how many hours, you got the mediation down.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 7:54 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

DIFM posted 5/16/2018 09:37 AM

I commend LtCdrLost for how well he has stayed the course and moved through the process thus far.

I will say that the story and scenario of LtCdrLost is very unique and is similar to only a very small number of folks on SI that post their painful sagas. It is rare that a BS knows of their WS activities with certainty and specificity, with months to prepare the right approach. That unique scenario would have provided many of us an opportunity to make a plan, and then execute that plan, perhaps similar to LtCdrLost's execution.

The vast majority of us learn small details, then in our due diligence phase we are gaslighted, lied to, ambushed over issues in the M, all happening in real time, all the while also trying to get to truth from fiction patched together from bits and pieces. This is a more typical SI scenario.

I think had many of us had the package of the goods sealed and delivered and then time to consider the best course of action without having to also live in the midst of the infidelity day to day shitstorm, we may have been able to traverse a similar healthy and confident path as LtCdrLost did.

I applaud him and have confidence his approach will lead to a healthy self reflection and personal outcome. I wish I had had the package of evidence in advance as I hope that I too could have engineered a swifter result, one way or the other.

TimelessLoss posted 5/16/2018 12:06 PM

The other hot wash/after action/debrief "lessons learned" were classic SI: No Contact, Exposure, Boundaries, Support System, Ducks in a Row.

1. He exposed her adultery to her parents before she could spin a tale.

2. He was resolute (yet resilient when required) in No Contact. He worked through the potential speed bump of her, and her parents, attending the RTB ceremony. He put a boundary in place for her physical proximity at the RTB. He remained respectful of her parents yet imposed and maintain boundaries for their contact with him. He met with her and her parents, controlled the setting, was prepared to refute her lies.

3. He called on and accepted help from his colleagues. He notified his Command (aka Employer)

So a lot of what he did was done, in fact, in real time where there wasn't a prepared script.
He had his ducks in a row and a vision for how he was going to get himself out of infidelity.

(LtCdr, pls forgive my referring to you in the 3rd person while you are in the room)


SisterMilkshake posted 5/16/2018 12:20 PM

I agree, TimelessLoss, that he took action in real time, too. He had months to prepare and think about how he would handle those situations that he knew were going to arise. Other situations, maybe not, but he did handle it very well.

I am not taking away from that. He just need not be called a "legend" and held up as some kind of shining example that newly BS's need to aspire to. Most will fall way, way short, as we are not wired that way nor would the circumstances of infidelity be presented in exactly the same way as they were to LtCdrLost.

DIFM posted 5/16/2018 12:46 PM

.....Most will fall way, way short, as we are not wired that way nor would the circumstances of infidelity be presented in exactly the same way as they were to LtCdrLost.

I agree. It doesn't take anything away from the great example provided to acknowledge that the scenario is an outlier when compared to the bell curve of more typical ways that the infidelity shit storm slowly unravels.

I think if most BS's had the facts in hand and time to think through the steps, without the crushing weight of the WS lies, deflections, and gaslighting, I think more could and would take a similar, focused, clearer headed approach to get out of I. There are just so few here that have anything close to professionally collected and validated evidence. The majority are here sorting through the muck of hints and half truths, spending months and years getting to a truth that pictures and validated places and timeliness could have cut immediately to the chase.

Nothing of my comments takes away from the example set by LtCdrLost. I appreciate not only his choices but his demeanor in presenting the facts and his emotions over the terrible circumstance he was given.

MidnightRun posted 5/16/2018 12:59 PM

Lt.C's overarching contribution to SI: He's an epic example of unwaivering resolve to get out of infidelity as quickly as possible.

He didn't dither when confronted with the facts.

Kamstel posted 5/16/2018 20:07 PM

Have you heard any rumors or scuttlebutt about the POS?

Twotimesucker posted 5/16/2018 21:08 PM

You are a testament to strength and resolve. I canít even tell you how much reading your thread has helped me.

LtCdrLost posted 5/16/2018 21:18 PM

Kamstel, I'm going to look into that. An above board inquiry to the JAG office is the best way to do that. I'd be surprised if their investigation is complete.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 9:20 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

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