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Home From Deployment to Hell

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LtCdrLost posted 5/16/2018 21:26 PM

FTR, to those who object to this whole "legend" thing.(ha ha) I obviously never asked for anything like that nor encouraged it either explicitly or tacitly. What I have that many cheated on husbands here on SI do not is an absolute unwillingness to accept a wife who gave herself to another man. Whatever that says about me, it says. To some that is admirable, to others I'm sure not so much. That's all I have to say about that. I'm probably one more strike from getting banned off this site altogether, and that is not my objective.

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 9:27 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

Kuwaited posted 5/16/2018 21:36 PM

I'm sorry you even had to address the topic. It seems altogether inappropriate to me.

I rather doubt you are anywhere near getting banned.

Please...keep us apprised.

Butforthegrace posted 5/16/2018 21:38 PM

LCL, when I first came here I was a bit of a bull in the china shop as well, especially with BH's who seem to be too limp-wristed. I got some pointed PM's from The Man. Eventually it began to dawn on me that this is a pretty serious place. There have been suicides, attempted suicides, attempted homicides, self-harm of various types. Adultery is powerful stuff and sometimes incites really awful reactions. Everybody here is in a great deal of pain, often confusion, and they should be treated with that in mine.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/16/2018 21:51 PM

I am sorry if you took that as a criticism ("legend") of you, LtCdrLost. That was not the intent and I know you did not ask for that designation. I feel it is unfair to you to put that title on you and sets up others to live up to something that really is unique to you and your particular situation. Everyone's situation is unique to them, even though there is a script that is followed also, it seems, in infidelity.

LtCdrLost posted 5/16/2018 22:00 PM

I didn't take it as personal criticism at all, SMS. I just thought I should address the topic myself before it gets out of hand. I did however read this, and I'm going to address the notion directly:

We might think itís rigid and rugsweeping and avoidant...

If I were staying with my WW as many do apparently, and I didn't hit all the "waypoints" so carefully plotted by so many who have gone through that process, then yes, I'd be "rugsweeping". But I walked 100% away from "A" and the marriage she destroyed. Rugsweeping obviously does not fit, and I'm not avoiding a thing. The "rigid" part I freely admit to...

[This message edited by LtCdrLost at 10:00 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

Chicky posted 5/16/2018 22:03 PM

LtCdrLost you have no control over the opinions or fist bumps that others take it upon themselves to assign to you. By the same token, you have no control over how bystanders feel about it. In my observation, many descriptors get overused for no reason other than that's what people relate to when giving props. "Rockstar" and "Hero" come immediately to mind as equally annoying to me but then again, I'm someone who doesn't subscribe to that kind of smoke blowing.

nme1 posted 5/17/2018 05:06 AM

Don't feel you need to justify or explain your actions or your path out of this shitstorm. You don't. You did what was best for you with integrity and honour, and that's all any of us can do.

I can only imagine how tumultuous those first few months were for you. I was like an emotional shell for the first 6 weeks, so for you to have gone through that alone with scattered bits of information, deployed, and in a position of command where you had to keep your shit together - you have nothing but my utmost respect and admiration.

As a military wife, I know that the health professionals in Defence are fantastic, but just keep in mind that this kind of trauma is very similar to PTSD, it can creep back up on you even if you think you've got it covered.


overit62 posted 5/17/2018 06:40 AM

LT I've been told I am rigid to. All I asked my ex-wife to do was to keep her spending to what I was making. If I make 3000 a month she could not spend 6000 a month and she thought I was unreasonable. So I told her I can't live like that. She filed bankruptcy 2 years after the divorce. So rigid is like a medal. Sixteen years after the divorce at 55 years old I retired on the money I saved from not being married to her.

Butforthegrace posted 5/17/2018 07:42 AM

Everybody's life circumstances, A details, etc., are different. As posters here have noted, LCL learned about the A while he was deployed in a distant place, and he confirmed it with substantial detail via his PI. It was certainly callous and wicked that his XWW did this, but the circumstances of LCL's D provided time and opportunity to digest and process the information and formulate a plan without the distraction of being gaslighted, sex-bombed, or emotionally manipulated by his XWW.

Also, he is trained in combat strategy. Thus, when he decided to engage with his XWW in an adversarial fashion, his training enabled him to plan an effective strategy.

Finally, as LCL has himself noted, his bright line zero tolerance for infidelity left him no reason to second guess his final goal, which was D.

That worked for him. At the same time, we have seen couples here where a WW and a BH reconcile successfully and find a great deal of happiness.

In each case, it comes down to the individual details. Another SI celebrity thread involved a WW who compartmentalized her A to an extreme degree -- it was almost an "Oculus Rift A" -- and whose true remorse and deep passion for her BH were immediate and genuine. BH has understandably endured giant amounts of pain, and he continues to trigger years out, but he has a big heart that is filled with love for his WW and indicators point toward R as the right path for them.

In contrast, LCL's XWW did not compartmentalize at all. She didn't need to, because LCL was physically in a different part of the world under circumstances where communication was limited. She openly acted as if she had a second marriage, to the point where it was obvious to the neighbors, and even when confronted with irrefutable evidence she lied, minimized, and tried to gaslight. She showed no inkling of remorse nor love for LCL.

There are many other factors that affect various couples. Children. Duration of marriage. The way the BS learns of the A. The strength of the friendship portion of the marriage. The degree that the A involved things that were particularly hurtful to the BS because of his personal emotional triggers. Etc.

I have 100% respect for the way LCL comported himself, both because he found his personal truth and did not waver from it, but also because he treated every third party, including his XWW, with decency and respect regardless of the fact that she did not offer him the same courtesy.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 7:46 AM, May 17th (Thursday)]

notanotherchance posted 5/17/2018 09:49 AM

That worked for him. At the same time, we have seen couples here where a WW and a BH reconcile successfully and find a great deal of happiness.

I agree with the above. There is however a large percentage of BS that file for D immediately when faced with infidelity from their partner. The line in the sand that does not change. That was the case with me, LTCdrLost, SG & a host of other BS. It was the right & only way out of infidelity for us. Being decisive & having all your ducks in a row does not make you a legend it just means you know exactly what you are going to do & then do it with no second thoughts.

What we see here on SI is just a small fraction of the infidelity that occurs throughout the Americas & beyond & most BS that post here are looking to vent, or to talk to other BS to help them understand or find a way forward & although almost all state that they had a zero tolerance towards infidelity when first M, now have doubts due to Children, finances, length of Marriage, etc, etc. To some of us BS that had no bearing on our decision.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:08 AM, May 17th (Thursday)]

beenthereinco posted 5/17/2018 10:54 AM

There are many on this forum that extrapolate their path out of infidelity as the only way. There are those that say you must Divorce at all times, rarer are those that say always try to reconcile although I have seen a few. I think it is important to understand that there is no one true path that fits all and circumstances do matter. If LtCdrLost feels like it was non-negotiable and he cannot stay with his STBXW after finding out about the A then that is true for him. I don't think it is particularly helpful to then say that it is right for everyone to do the same.

Acting decisively, taking charge of your own life, insisting on your own worth and sticking to your principles, those are the lessons to learn I think here. Advocating that someone follow the exact path is to me not good advice.

MalibuBayBreeze posted 5/17/2018 11:25 AM

I think the way you've progressed in such a meticulous manner is impressive. I'm still in awe.

You might want to stay out of the Wayward forum, it can be extremely triggering. I rarely even take a look there and on the rare occasion I do I become infuriated reading posts where they still dream about the AP. I get annoyed just writing that so I steer clear.

I hope you will post in General at times to let us who are not in R or D forums how you are doing.

Keep doing what you're doing, it's working for you.

isitme24 posted 5/17/2018 14:09 PM

FTR, to those who object to this whole "legend" thing.(ha ha) I obviously never asked for anything like that nor encouraged it either explicitly or tacitly. What I have that many cheated on husbands here on SI do not is an absolute unwillingness to accept a wife who gave herself to another man. Whatever that says about me, it says. To some that is admirable, to others I'm sure not so much. That's all I have to say about that. I'm probably one more strike from getting banned off this site altogether, and that is not my objective.


I haven't posted on your thread but I'd like to address a little bit of this. I think when others put your "path" up as something to emulate or SG or others that walked immediately, they are attaching themselves to what they believe they should have done.

Walking away on DDay and divorcing is surely an quicker way to heal from infidelity than attempting to reconcile, especially with an unremorseful serial cheater. But I also know that it doesn't take away or lessen the pain and hurt you experience. More importantly, everyone has different circumstances that factor in to their decisions. One's that you don't have and don't understand.

I'm going to take an educated guess that you have had significant training that allows you to ignore, compartmentalize, and overcome certain stressors. It allows you make quick and uncompromising decisions. In fact, it's likely a necessity in your profession. But...But that's not the case for the majority of the people posting here.

As a qualifier, I respect your decision and don't question your reasoning. It is as personal as a decision can get. I also don't think that the way you refer to your STBXWW as the "cheating whore" encompasses all that your feeling and thinking. Why, well I've been through the grinder from start to finish and you have a long way to go.

Finally, I want to tell you that I'm very sorry your STBXWW did this to you and marriage.

Wishing you Peace


wocket posted 5/17/2018 18:28 PM

Iím new here, but I wonder if a lot of the advice here is people recommending what they believe they should have done with the benefit of hindsight. That perspective can be beneficial, but ultimately each persons situation is their own, and they need to make their own decisions and make their own mistakes.

That said, some people have the core belief that infidelity is an immediate deal breaker. Even though I have made the decision to leave, I donít know if I would say it was a 100% deal breaker for me.

sandylee posted 5/18/2018 00:30 AM

I think anyone who wishes to call Lt a legend should be free to do so. That is THEIR opinion.

I happen to agree that it is a shining example of decisive action and a no nonsense approach.

LT, I have a lot of admiration for your integrity and strength of character. Your values and morals shine through. You remained respectful towards your STX in-laws throughout.

You had much love and were a loyal husband. I hope when my daughters get married in the future, it's to a men with your integrity, devotion and loyalty.

Infidelity is soul destroying and destructive. I've no doubt your STBXW will always regret losing such a good husband.

Kudos to you.

Hurtmyheart posted 5/18/2018 02:28 AM

LtCdrLost-I am a betrayed spouse who chose to reconcile with my husband and I'm glad that I did. Reconciliation, health, happiness and forgiveness has been a tough and oddly a rewarding road my husband and I have chose to take. Not every marriage is lost and ends in divorce and there are no winners when it is all said and done. And there are no promises that by the end of this, you will find another women as special as you said your stbxw was, until she made her fateful mistake.

My husband served in the United States Coast Guard for 9 years and currently is a Sergeant in the Sheriff's Department. I believe our lifestyles have similarities. He tested very high on the lutienents exam and was scheduled to move forward but opted out because he decided his marriage was more important to him rather than moving up the career ladder. I also hated when my husband was deployed 30-60 days out to sea when he was in the Coast Guard. It was very difficult to spend so much time apart from each other. My daughter's boyfriend recently joined the Coast Guard and it's been almost 3 weeks since he left for bootcamp and she is beside herself. My son is a police officer. I can not even begin to imagine how it must have been for your wife to live through nine deployments for six months at a time over how long of a period, almost 14 years in June? Your wedding anniversary? Like you mentioned, being a military wife is not for everyone and me included. Thirty days away from my husband was long enough.

My husband has been with the sheriff's department for 23 years now and there is a pattern we keep seeing over-and-over, just as you mentioned about the military, and that is infidelity & divorce. Nothing gets fixed and no one takes the time to fix themselves. This cycle keeps repeating itself over-and-over again. We know of quote a few people who have been in and out of marriages 3-4 times now. It's crazy!

Life is not in black and white as you have stated in your earlier posts. There are also shades of grey. I guess you will need to figure out what that means as you begin to process the breakup with your stbxw.

Although I don't know you, I feel very sad for both you and your stbxw. I am happy that you are going to IC to get help in releasing your anger and sadness. There is no easy fix to what you are going through, I would consider your emotions a grey area, an area of life I don't believe you have taken the time to explore. Your healing is going to take a very long time. I believe that the deeper you love, the harder you will fall and I believe you loved your wife deeply.

I am sorry.

oldtruck posted 5/18/2018 12:24 PM

LCL, is not a legend or a hero. He is just a BH.
When finding out he went straight to the divorce
route. Others have done this. Some have delayed.
Some have recovered.

All these BH's did what was right for them.

Divorce is not the only correct choice. He just was
able to make the correct choice for him, and made
it fast.

20yrsagoBS posted 5/21/2018 09:13 AM

I can attest to wishingI had simply divorced my cheating husband the first time I caught him cheating. Living alone would certainly have been much more rewarding than experiencing the subsequent DDays. Each one strips more self worth away.

Cooley2here posted 5/21/2018 10:03 AM

He did not move fast. He has said he had months of knowing and the only thing he could do was use a PI to validate. Then he had to detach in order to do his job. Then he came home and filed.
Most of the men and women in the military have only had their jobs during war. I had neighbors where the husband(AF) never saw action and was stationed all over the place. That was years ago. We have been at war since 9/11. Now there are long termers who have been deployed over and over again and marriages are falling by the wayside. I have read several blogs by military wives whose husbands had affairs while deployed and divorced. We ask much of our service men and women. We donít do a very good of supporting them or their families. We give lip service but not day to day support.

Bumblebee23 posted 5/21/2018 19:21 PM

LtCdrLost, you mentioned you've done a lot of reading on this site. There are two threads that immediately came to mind that I hope you've come across if you're interested to see cases of BSs who've walked through this shitstorm before you and also swiftly dealt with cheating as an immediate dealbreaker. They are: YHGTBKM "Hindsight" and TurnOtherCheek "Punch to the Gut" The first is a CEO and it shows in his decisiveness. The second is an international businesswoman (cheated on mainly while abroad, also no kids).

That's all to say, while no person or situation is exactly the same, you have company in your general approach to things. (I mean solely to compare the decisiveness, I recognize some of the other things that happened in those threads are things you did not do / would not have done.)

I have a lot of respect for how you've handled yourself through this shitty situation and wish you all the best in the future.

[This message edited by Bumblebee23 at 7:40 PM, May 21st (Monday)]

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