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Finally came clean about my infidelity

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TillyJane posted 5/17/2018 10:20 AM

So things have been going fairly well between my husband and I. We are taking, connecting... Really working together. Today he left for work and says to me that he loves me very much, but I should know it's going to be a hard day for him. Then later I get a text that tells me he loves me, but I need to not text him or call him today unless it is an absolute emergency.. ugh my heart is in my toes. I replied that I understood. I do understand! I wish I would have never made these choices. I hate seeing him in so much turmoil especially knowing I caused this!! I will respect his wishes though and give him the space he needs. I know he needs that from me and I will do whatever he needs. It just hurts. Then I feel guilty for hurting. I feel like I have zero right to have any feelings like that. I really despise my actions!!

LivingWithPain posted 5/17/2018 12:53 PM

What was the state of your marriage at the time you were having your affairs? Have you gone back and examined your thought processes and motivations?

And since then, how have you worked on keeping up healthy boundaries.

Reason I'm asking is you need to show your husband that you are working your issues...but you have to know what your issues are.

MariaS posted 5/18/2018 01:26 AM

Tilly
Thanka for the reply regarding telling his parents.

I really think you're extremely brave to do that, especially as it's not something your BH is demanding.

I also think you're incredibly lucky that him and his parents are such loving people.

You sound truly remorseful.

TillyJane posted 5/18/2018 10:32 AM

Really struggling today... Why doesn't my BH hate me?? I hate me for what I've done. I fell like I have 40 years of emotions timing at me at once. I am not a feeler, so this is insane for me. If I feel this way I know my husband is feeling 1000 times worse.

TillyJane posted 5/18/2018 10:54 AM

Clearly I need to read my post before posting. Sorry all.

TimSC posted 5/18/2018 11:03 AM

Rethink telling his parents unless he is requesting that you confess to them.

Let your husband guide you.

I am a BH and if I had decided on divorce I would have told my parents everything, but because I decided to R with my wife I chose not to tell them anything and told her not to say anything to them.

Why? Because this is between my wife and me. Not their business. I don't need their advice on this and that is the only reason to tell them.

It sounds as if you may be pain shopping. You feel unworthy of being treated like a good wife to their son so you are unconsciously looking for punishment or at least a change in attitude toward yourself to ease your guilt.

If you want to help your husband heal ask him if he wants this. If he says he doesn't care then don't do it. At least until the both of you have a chance to sit down and discuss how it will help the situation.

TillyJane posted 5/18/2018 11:13 AM

TimSC,
Oh my goodness everything you said makes total sense!! Thank you for the advice. My husband doesn't want me telling his parents. He said it's not because he's ashamed or embarrassed. It's just none of their business. I just thought it was the right thing to do. I am not going to tell his parents. They are going to have questions though, especially about the tattoo and the name change, but my husband says.. so what, I'm sure their minds will run with imagination, but I guess is not too worried about that.
I never really thought about the pain shopping. I guess you are right though. It is a very real thing. I just feel awful and I feel like if I ever start to not feel awful then I'm an awful person. If that makes sense?

Sanibelredfish posted 5/18/2018 11:30 AM

TJ. I know what you mean. Hating, or at least not loving, you under the current circumstances would be understandable and perhaps easier to deal with.

Frankly, I think your BH is too eager to R and he should take some time to really sort out how he feels about the enormity of this situation before committing to R. When he hits his anger phase (frequently cited as 6 months post D day), he may feel quite differently. I think he needs his own IC to help him process how he really feels about this double betrayal. Perhaps he is codependent or fears change to a degree that he cannot imagine D. To be clear, Iím not suggesting that he should D you, but the thought shouldíve at least crossed his mind as an option and it is not clear that it has.

While the status quo probably works OK for you, I donít think it is healthy for him in the long run. Ask me how I know (push down those feels, numb them with some booze, etc.).

TillyJane posted 5/18/2018 11:42 AM

I understand where you're coming from. He is starting IC on the 5th next month.

TillyJane posted 5/18/2018 18:15 PM

Sanibelredfish,

I did ask him if he considered divorce. He said he did, but knew that wasn't for us. I have to believe him when he says that. I know time will tell, and he could very well change his mind about that. That is something I will have to deal with. Especially considering I was the one who caused all this.I know it's what I ultimately deserve, but my husband deserves so much more!! He deserves a wife who will love and adore him. Who will walk beside him through thick and thin, who will be honest, comfort him and never cheat again, and so much more. I will be those things to him. He is giving me a chance to prove that!

Sanibelredfish posted 5/18/2018 22:08 PM

TJ, glad to hear that my impression of his thoughts was incorrect. That is a good sign for you two. Regarding what you say you want to be for him now, I hope that is true and that you will remember it when the wounds arenít quite so fresh.

TillyJane posted 5/18/2018 22:14 PM

Sanibelredfish,
We discussed that very thing just tonight. We discussed our fears and hopes and dreams with each other. I don't want those feelings to end after this isn't as fresh. I love my husband. I will work hard so he knows that. Not saying I won't ever mess up, because I'm human, but I am determined to fight for him and with him for our marriage. We both are. We even talked about being honest when we are feeling complacent, or needing more from the other one. We promised to be honest about it. I believe we will.

TimSC posted 5/19/2018 21:00 PM

TJ, I hope you are beginning to understand what a unique and special man your husband is. Most men would not give you a third chance to change and be a good wife. You are getting a very rare gift.

Good luck to you both.

I gave my wife a second chance and I am glad I did. We are doing very well in our new marriage.

But honestly, I don't think I could give her another chance if I found out she has been untruthful about her affair.

TillyJane posted 5/21/2018 18:51 PM

Well my in laws came over tonight. My husband said we would talk to them because they would find out about our son's name change and the tattoo. I was nervous as heck!! He came home and told me to trust him. I totally trust him, and I really was going to be ok with his parents knowing about me and all the awful stuff I have done to their son. We sat on the porch and he told them about his friend not really being a friend and that's all they needed to know. I can't believe he didn't out me to them!!! I just stood there shaking. I feel so terrible for the things I've done. I'm sure it is humiliating to him to tell.

nscale56 posted 5/21/2018 19:56 PM

It's compassion. He has it to spare. There are many on these forums that could use some.
I hope you realize how fortunate you are to be married to him.

[This message edited by nscale56 at 7:56 PM, May 21st (Monday)]

sneaker posted 5/21/2018 20:54 PM

TillyJane,

I just wanted as a BH remind that this is going to be a long long process for your husband and you. I am 3 years out from my 1st D-Day and almost 2 from final D-day. It still affects me, though not everyday or every minutes but it is there and rears its head usually on a trigger or a moment where I think wait, what is she doing, who is she talking to, etc.. I know a lot of this is my own inner self trying to protect me.

Also, as I went through this after D-day I was not wanting to divorce, but you can bet it is in the back of his mind and months down the road it will be there again. They say the first year is the disbelief, then the second is the pain, the third is trying to figure out what the future holds. All in all this is going to be at least 3 to 5 years of healing. Read, talk, and fix those demons that allowed you to do this to someone you were suppose to love and protect. Why...

As you grow, fix, and repair your life and marriage will be stronger if you put the work in.

Show him you want him and are willing to fix yourself, not just the marriage or him, but yourself that you want to never do this again etc.. Find out what was wrong and why you felt those ways. etc..

TillyJane posted 5/21/2018 22:18 PM

Show him you want him and are willing to fix yourself, not just the marriage or him, but yourself that you want to never do this again etc.. Find out what was wrong and why you felt those ways. etc..

I believe I am showing him that. I am starting back at IC tomorrow. I am determined to let the process work this time. I am ready to work on me. Not just the fluffy stuff, but the real deep down hard stuff that keeps me from being the person I know I am meant to be. I believe he sees that as well. I am dedicated to helping me and the junk I have suppressed. I am also dedicated to him and his healing! We will come out this the other side stronger than ever. That I know!!

jb3199 posted 5/22/2018 06:26 AM

I am starting back at IC tomorrow. I am determined to let the process work this time. I am ready to work on me. Not just the fluffy stuff, but the real deep down hard stuff that keeps me from being the person I know I am meant to be. I believe he sees that as well.

He does, for sure. And believe us when we tell you that this will go FAR in his healing, and his rebuilding of trust with you. Being a safe partner is very high on a betrayed spouse's mind.

Kamstel posted 5/22/2018 20:54 PM

How did the counseling session go tonight?

I know it was just the first one, and I know it was just preliminary and background information. But how did you feel when it was over?

TillyJane posted 5/22/2018 21:27 PM

Thank you for asking. It went really good. Yes it was background stuff, but we also were able to talk about some important stuff too. I felt good about it. It is going to be some painful work, but it will be so worth it. I went in really feeling nervous, but after about 3 minutes she had me feeling comfortable. It was nice.

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