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Finally came clean about my infidelity

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TillyJane posted 5/14/2018 08:09 AM

To the last 2 posters. You are both right. I am working on myself. I am working on fixing me. I am working on being the best wife I can be. I own responsibility. Yes I was scared of all of the things you said. I am a coward! He deserves so much better than me!! I am fully aware I ruined his life and trapped him.

TillyJane posted 5/14/2018 08:17 AM

To the last 2 posters, you are both right. I am a coward! I trapped my husband. I am however working on myself. I am working on healing. I am working to prove to my husband that I adore him and I could never be more sorry, remorseful or ashamed. I will continue to do this until the day I die!

TillyJane posted 5/14/2018 08:19 AM

I didn't realize it had started another page. Sorry about that. I didn't mean to post twice

oldtruck posted 5/14/2018 08:23 AM

No need to apologize for a second page. See no one
knows how many pages long a thread will go once the
first post appears.

annb posted 5/14/2018 09:12 AM

Hi, Tilly, welcome to SI.

You have to understand ALL infidelity is devastating. In your situation, you betrayed your husband with the person he thought was his best friend, the two of you essentially stabbing him in the back repeatedly without his knowledge. A double whammy so to speak. So not only did he learn he was living a lie, he also learned that the two people who should have had his back were the ones who the ones who caused him to bleed profusely.

I agree with the other posters that your silence was to protect yourself from the consequences of your actions. That's true of most waywards here.

Right now your husband is probably still in shock. A nuclear bomb has been dropped on his life, and the fallout will take years. You have to be willing to be consistent and empathetic and compassionate. More than likely, he will eventually get angry, very angry. Understand he is on an emotional roller coaster from hell.

Both of you need to have GOOD counselors. Not all counselors are equal. If a counselor tells him it's in the past, fire that counselor and find another one who understands the trauma of infidelity.

What are your boundaries like now?
Are you being completely transparent?
Have you given him a timeline to the best of your ability?

Butforthegrace posted 5/14/2018 09:33 AM

Different kinds of infidelity bring different kinds of issues. One of the aspects of infidelity that is particularly difficult to overcome is the dishonesty aspect.

For A's that are disclosed long after the fact, the dishonesty issue is multiplied. First, there is the fact that the dishonesty occurred for so many years. Some spouses will go back to the time of the A and re-live the ensuing years in light of the disclosure. It is natural for them to wonder if their lives would have been better if they had been given the benefit of the truth in real time. There are many threads on SI (look under the "I Can Relate" forum for the thread about discovering affairs long after the fact. In many cases, the marriage between the A and the years-later discovery was not great. The BS regrets investing the time into the not-so-great marriage, based on a lie.

Fortunately for you, I don't perceive that will be the case for you. Without revealing anything posted by your BH, my perception is that things have been good between you for the past 5-10 years, or perhaps even longer.

Another aspect of getting past an A for a BS is getting the details so that the BS knows what occurred and can digest it. For A's that ended long before disclosure, this can be difficult because over 16 years it is likely that most of the details have been forgotten.

Linked to this is the worry by the BH that there is yet more undisclosed stuff. The desire to know the details, and to somehow be sure that there are no more buried skeletons, this is the unique difficulty of A's discovered/disclosed long after the fact.

To that end, to the extent you are able, it might be helpful to piece together a timeline, staring some years before the marriage and ending with the end of the last of the A's, that sets out the interweaving A's. All the stuff, with as much detail as you include within the restrictions of faded memory. In some way, he will need to find peace that this is all there is.

TillyJane posted 5/14/2018 10:01 AM

I have been speaking to my old pastor who actually counseled us 15 years ago when this first came out. He has been very helpful, and has pointed me in the right direction as to where I should go for counseling here. I need a good counselor. I am so afraid of finding the wrong person and it actually ends up hurting us more. I have a phone call into that place now.
As for a timeline... I have been brutally honest about everything from the past. Even though I know things I tell him will hurt him, I tell him anyways. I need him to know that I am being honest. I have no reason to lie about anything anymore. I have been more transparent with him than I ever thought I could. Just when I think I have told him everything, I will get a memory of something else I did. I admit, I panic and think oh crap maybe I can just let this one go??? Do I need to tell him this, after everything else! The answer is yes, yes I do. And I do!!! Full disclosure. No hiding, no lying! If I thought it would help I would tell him I picked my nose in secret yesterday. That's how honest I will be with this man! I will never lie to him again. The agony that he is going through hurts me to watch, and it should hurt me! I need to see how angry, hurt, deceived and sad he feels. I know I will never understand the magnitude of which he hurts. I am hoping with counseling, honesty and someday trust that I will in some way be able to help him though this!!

TillyJane posted 5/14/2018 11:29 AM

My husband is also seeing counseling for himself. He just asked me if we should see the same one out different people? I told him I am fine with him seeing whoever I see. I think it could be helpful to have just one person knowing our stuff and not having to go between 2 or 3 people when we eventually start MC. I told him I would leave it up to him though. I don't want to persuade him either way. What do you guys think?

LtCdrLost posted 5/14/2018 12:05 PM

Madame, women like you should thank the Gods that there are men like your husband who will tolerate your treachery. Many of us would not.

TillyJane posted 5/14/2018 12:07 PM

You are absolutely right!!

beenthereinco posted 5/14/2018 12:09 PM

I think seeing different counselors is the way to go. A counselor is only human and even if they say they will not bring the issues of the one patient into the meeting with the other they will probably not be able to help it. Eventually if you get to MC then you will likely do both one on one and joint sessions with that person but typically that counselor will bring the things said private to the both of you together with your permission.

I hope that when you spoke with the person that counseled you 15 years ago you apologized for not being honest then about all of the issues. It was not fair to him as well to have this incomplete information.

TillyJane posted 5/14/2018 12:14 PM

Thank you for your insight. I will relay the message to my husband. Yes I plan on apologizing.

sassylee posted 5/14/2018 12:14 PM

You should see separate counsellors. A good counsellor wouldn’t agree to see both of you anyway - unless it were marriage counselling.

LtCdrLost posted 5/14/2018 12:16 PM

I'm going to attempt to engage with you and ask a very direct question. To be clear, you're a proxy in this, because I'll never engage my stbxw in any exchange whatsoever.
Are wives such as you simply amoral, lacking any integrity? The marriage vows no more than lines spoken as though in a play? Or is your "morality" just purely situational? I assume you follow at least some of society's accepted mores, so I wonder how marriage vows are so easily disregarded. I've read your husband's posts enough to understand that aside from discovering we have unknowingly shared our wives with other men, there isn't much in the way of similarity in our situations. Yet still, you and I are both here online at this moment, so I pose the question.

TillyJane posted 5/14/2018 12:40 PM


Are wives such as you simply amoral, lacking any integrity? The marriage vows no more than lines spoken as though in a play? Or is your "morality" just purely situational? I assume you follow at least some of society's accepted mores, so I wonder how marriage vows are so easily disregarded.

I can understand your question. I also feel like there is nothing I can say here that you would even remotely trust what I say. The fact of the matter is. I know I have done something so wrong and hurtful. Disgusting, dispicable, hurtful.. or whatever other nasty word you want to put there. Trust me, there isn't a word you could use to describe me that I haven't already felt.

annb posted 5/14/2018 12:58 PM

See separate counselors.

I had a great counselor who considered meeting with both parties (unless MC) unethical.

sisoon posted 5/14/2018 13:09 PM

Your IC has a duty to you; his, to him. There's a a big chance of a conflict of interests popping up, which means the IC will have to choose one partner or the other. A good therapist understands this and for that reason generally won't take on a couple as individual clients.

Best of luck. My W's honesty saved our M. Even if it doesn't save yours, honesty will enable you to heal and to be a good partner to someone else.

Zugzwang posted 5/14/2018 13:11 PM

Tillydid you tell him that? The truth to why you never told protecting yourself. I think it means a lot to the betrayed if we are honest about the extent of our choices to be self serving. It shows we trust ourselves to be honest with ourselves.

Curious, but did the pastor counselor help you through affair 1 guy, but you continued with the friend? Or did it all end at the same time. Reason being, was the pastor really useful if you managed to lie and manipulate all this time? I would venture to say no. Even with the pastor you chose a huge sin to stick too. So, maybe a certified IC would be a better choice. You both should have separate counselors. Focusing on dealing with issues and past trauma. I mean you were seeing three men at one time. IMO, pastors focus on sin and forgiveness. Does that really help to fix you and the why? Apparently not.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 1:11 PM, May 14th (Monday)]

GoldenR posted 5/14/2018 14:04 PM

Are wives such as you simply amoral, lacking any integrity?

And how, pray tell, is she supposed to answer this? No matter what her answer, she's damned if she does, damned if she doesn't.

So she says no, I'm not lacking.

You: Then why'd you cheat?

She says yes I'm lacking (And self deprecation is never good).

You: Then why not just D him?

Her answer is a no win. And the only no win situation she should be in right now is when her H is triggering.

TillyJane posted 5/14/2018 14:33 PM

I would like to kindly ask you to not engage me again. Thank you

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