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need help to make sense of all of this

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Recoveringheart posted 8/29/2018 14:34 PM

She needs time by herself to prepare for what will happen tomorrow. Her mom doesn’t know anything and it’s my wife’s nightmare if she knows.

I have her the chance. Let her prepare I hope I’m ready for it

Recoveringheart posted 8/29/2018 14:35 PM

She won’t contact him. I made sure of it.

beenthereinco posted 8/29/2018 14:37 PM

She is probably going to factory reset that phone now so that you won't find anything even with DrFone. I'm sorry. You got your answer with how she reacted. You know the truth. Everyone here was hoping in the beginning that they had the unicorn, the wayward spouse that they caught in time, but there just aren't that many.

Having said that I do think it is possible for you two to reconcile but she has to start being remorseful and honest. Right now she is neither.

wordsofwisdom posted 8/29/2018 14:41 PM

Heart, please schedule a polygraph test and prepare yourself for the worst. You gave her a chance to delete the evidence. Make it clear to her that polygraph is her only chance to come clear and disclose a full timeline and full extent of her affair.

I know you don't want to believe that it was a full physical affair. But what happens to us a way too often is that we let our fears paralyze us and stay in denial. But a good news is that once you learn the truth – things slowly but surely get better from there because you regain a solid ground under your feet.

We all are rooting for you.

ShutterHappy posted 8/29/2018 14:46 PM

All the posters here have gone through this one way or the other. I bet a lot of them goes “I hate that part “ . I certainly do.

Please take care of yourself. Do you have a good friend to talk to? A family member?

I send strength your way. It will eventually get better I promise you.

Recoveringheart posted 8/29/2018 14:50 PM

Thanks. I only have you guys now.
Thanks again

Robert22205https posted 8/29/2018 14:50 PM

Did your wife take her phone with her?

She's probably with the OM strategizing ... if she does a factory reset it will erase most if not all of the messages.

Booyah posted 8/29/2018 14:51 PM

More than likely you won't ever see her phone.

She'll go trade it in for a new one and as beenthereinco just mentioned she'll have them do a factory reset on her old one.

"She needs time to prepare for tomorrow "?

How about time to come up with more lies.

mantorok posted 8/29/2018 14:51 PM

Hang on. Do you have the phone right now?

If she's delayed you until tomorrow that gives her time to factory reset it and when that happens there's no guarantee that you will retrieve anything.

That aside. Her reaction pretty much told you everything you need to know. Now is the time to stand your ground. Do not back down from this and you will be fine.

Recoveringheart posted 8/29/2018 14:52 PM

She won’t do it. That’s a divorce sentence

Robert22205https posted 8/29/2018 14:53 PM

She can use Dr Fone to erase all messages/data without leaving a trace for you tomorrow.

Robert22205https posted 8/29/2018 14:54 PM

Why did you allow her to delay?

mantorok posted 8/29/2018 14:55 PM

Sorry you are going through this but you are doing fine. Use this time to lay down your own boundaries and if she steps outside of them then...well...you know where it leads.

Hotdog posted 8/29/2018 14:56 PM

You have your answer!!!

Robert22205https posted 8/29/2018 14:59 PM

In her desperation, a divorce sentence is better than public exposure based on facts. Facts stripe away her fantasy so she can't lie to herself or you.

farsidejunky posted 8/29/2018 14:59 PM

Game, set, and match.

You know the truth, brother. Now you just have to have the courage of your convictions.

40YOSL posted 8/29/2018 15:01 PM

The police, FBI, CIA and major corporations utilize polygraphs. Are they infallible? Of course not and they will only be as good as the operator administering them. Are they better than your internal truth detector? Absolutely because when it comes to your WW your's simply doesn't work.

On SI we have seen many members use polygraphs and I personally don't recall anyone who later said they regretted doing so. That may have happened but I don't recall seeing any. A polygraph is a tool and they are not all that expensive. There clearly are people who can defeat a polygraph but I doubt if your WW is one.

What exactly is it about a polygraph that causes you to hesitate using one? They clearly give the person taking the polygraph an incentive to disclose the truth prior to the exam.

Buster123 posted 8/29/2018 15:02 PM

I think I was the one who first sugggested Dr Fone and WhatsApp, but it doesn't matter, whatever you do do not stop posting, keep us up to date, this is your best tool to deal with this awful time, yes sometimes we're blunt, but it is for your benefit.

Don't give her more time to come up with a strategy or buy software to permanently delete WhatsApp, Snapchat and Kik, email and other communication app, tell her she's got ONE chance to come clean TODAY, you need a FULL timeline of the A, ask her TODAY not if they had sex but rather how many times over the years and if she has brought him to your home while you're not there. Tell her if she lies one more time you will file for D and expose her A to everyone including family and close friends (you might want to do this anyway).

Contact an attorney and make an appointment to know your legal options, believe it or not she may have been planing to leave you for OM (we see it here all the time), you need to protect your children, if you still decide to give her the benefit of R, she would need to most of the heavy lifting and bend over backwards, she needs to show remorse not regret she was caught, even if you try to R, it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to get over it, if she's not willing to go NC FOREVER with OM or doesn't want to go through the excrutiating R time, couple with IC and MC, then just file for D and move on, it will be better for your children to have co-parents than live in a dysfunctional home with an unrepentant cheater that will make your life miserable.

Also DEMAND she gets tested for STD's (full panel), don't have sex with her until the results comeback clean, then use a condom for six months, remember, she's a proven cheater and a liar, don't believe anything from her, she's not the same person you married, she's not even a good mother (good mothers don't cheat or put their children's financial and emotinal stability at risk in order to have an affair).

newparadigm posted 8/29/2018 15:16 PM

Sending you strength for tomorrow.

Unfortunately, we have all been there. We have all made mistakes too in this process.

I am glad to see that you are standing your ground.

wordsofwisdom posted 8/29/2018 15:18 PM

Heart, I also wish you can make an effort to stay strong. What is your biggest fear? Please face and embrace it, because the odds she had a long-term physical affair are very very high.

One of the hardest thing to do right now is to get detached and start acting rather than waiting.

First things you need to do is to create support system (needless to say, this support system should exclude your wife). Please consider IC, consider some old friends of yours, and post here.

Next, you need to see an attorney to learn what to expect if it comes to divorce. What are your rights and opportunities.

Finally, try to imagine what will you do if the truth comes out and your don't like this truth. You need to act rationally now, with your full focus on long-term outcomes.

I have a positive feeling about you – from how you insisted on seeing her messages, from how gradually you are approaching to the point when you can accept what have happened to you, despite your pain, disgust and fears.

Sending you strength.

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