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Here again almost five years later

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jessb115258 posted 9/2/2018 19:17 PM

My husband cheated with a coworker for a few months in 2013, at first he wasnít remorseful and the trickle truth was almost unbearable. I kicked him out and stopped talking to him, which woke him up to losing me and the kids. He found a new job, was transparent with his phone and email, and was always checking in with me. He started individual therapy and we went to marriage counseling. After a few months, I let him come back home and he was the model husband. I really thought he learned his lesson, we were communicating better and he made every effort to demonstrate that the kids and I were his priority.

I found out heís been having an affair with one of our sonís friendís mom for the last five months. Sheís divorced and my husband was her knight in shining armor. They started talking at our sonís little league practices and games. Another mom alerted me to the way theyíve been talking to each other, seemed inappropriate to her.

I confronted him about her, which he said nothing was going on and that he learned his lesson the last time. I didnít believe him and put a tracker in his car. I confronted him again when I found he was going to her house. He didnít deny it again. Apparently he volunteered to help her with yardwork and projects around her house on the weekends when her kids were with her ex. He told me he was at the gym or golfing with his buddies. He said they started having sex the third time he went to her house in April and have been having sex most weekends. He says she made him feel valued and he felt sorry for her since sheís alone.

Again he wants another chance to prove he can change. Heís gone no contact with her, but it means nothing to me. Iím numb.

Mene posted 9/2/2018 19:20 PM

Everyone handles these issues differently. Some give WS another chance. If they do it again, thatís it. Heís a serial cheater. You deserve better. His history suggests he will do it again. Iím sorry youíre in this situation. You have some thinking to do. Good luck with the decision you make.

OneLittleVictory posted 9/2/2018 19:23 PM

I wouldn't give him another chance.

redrock posted 9/2/2018 19:26 PM

Iím so very sorry. To have him experience the pain and roller coaster the first time around with you and to choose to screw around with a woman within your aquaintence is just dumb, selfish and super shitty.

You donít have to make a decision today. Take some time. You do deserve better. Right now take care of yourself. Eat, drink and sleep if you can.

traicionada posted 9/2/2018 19:50 PM

(((jessb115258)))
Only you can decide if giving him another chance is an option but I will highly encourage you to get into counseling to help you sort through your options.

WhoTheBleep posted 9/2/2018 20:16 PM

This would definitely be it for me.

When you kicked him out, was it just a free for all for his penis? Because he sure didn't learn a damned thing. He cares more about his penis and this "alone" woman than he does about the well-being of his children and their mother.

I'm so sorry. Of course you are numb. It's because you know this is even worse than 5 years ago. You know he doesn't care about you. Only himself.

Tell him to go be with her. Tell the entire neighborhood. All the other moms and dads. Turn them into pariahs.

Pigs.

You deserve so much better than this. Go find it for yourself.

jessb115258 posted 9/2/2018 20:29 PM

When I kicked him out the first time, he stayed with his cousin. I thought he was thinking through what he had done, but he was probably sleeping around. I asked him if thereís been anyone between the first time he cheated and this woman, he claims no. I donít believe him. I think he only cares about himself and the thrill of new women. I donít want our kids to grow up with part-time parents, but I also want to teach them whatís acceptable and not acceptable in a marriage. I feel so pathetic, but I still love him. I know divorce is the right option, but it hurts to think about.

Starzen posted 9/2/2018 20:31 PM

Grrrrr, the more I read about these repeat offenders the more angry I become. Although it reinforces my decision to get the hell rid of my albatross of almost 17 years, rage arises within me for everyone that has to go through all of this crap. I second everything WhoTheBleep said.

deephurt posted 9/2/2018 20:37 PM

He doesnít deserve you.

You gave him the precious gift of r and he threw it back your face.

In your shoes I wouldnít give him another chance but thatís obviously your choice to make.

We are here for you regardless of what you decide.

Starzen posted 9/2/2018 20:38 PM

Jessb, don't you dare feel pathetic! He's pathetic. Do not turn this inward and blame it on yourself, or feel responsible for it, or feel stupid. You will process and handle this in the way that is best for you, in the timeframe best for you, but do it from a position of strength, not from a position of feeling pathetic. Remember YOU are the prize here, not that cheating, lying, stranger in your house.

Shockedmom posted 9/2/2018 20:45 PM

Iím sorry you are here again Jess.

I know you donít want your kids to grow up in a broken home however be aware that others probably already know and have been talking. Your kids should hear this from you before others share the gossip.
Please expose the affair. This OW is a predator and your WH was apparently easy pickings.
Have you asked him to complete a polygraph? There may be more to the story than you know.

Again I am so sorry.

jessb115258 posted 9/2/2018 20:51 PM

Thank you everyone for the support. Iím so ashamed that this has happened again. The other woman has smiled in my face and pretended to be my friend. Sheís watched my kids so my husband and I could go out on dates. I want to ask her why, but no answer will bring me peace or understanding. As for a polygraph, itís not going to give help me. Knowing the full truth will just make it worse.

Ponus18 posted 9/2/2018 21:50 PM

Iím sorry youíre here Jess.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong.

Going from a cheater to now a serial cheater is a whole other thing. I would file for D immediately and not look back. You probably donít know anything close to the full truth. I donít believe it was even just these 2 APs.

You deserve much better.

Hang in there.

Hurtmyheart posted 9/3/2018 02:03 AM

jess, I told my WH that if he did "anything" against our marriage again, I would be done with him and I mean it. I already look at him differently today and I just don't see him as that strong, loving, kind, faithful husband anymore. Sure, there are better days for us and sure I love my WH but for me, I have had a hard time getting past the person my husband became. Don't you feel this way also when you look at your WH today? Can you really look up to, respect and admire a man after he has done this to you a second time and lied to you repeatedly?

I imagine that my WH would also beg me for forgiveness and beg me for another chance to change and save the marriage if he "chose" to make these horrible decisions again.

I'm sorry and I am speaking for myself, after everything my WH put me through, there is no way that I would ever look at my WH with love and forgiveness in my heart again if he went out and had another affair. I just wouldn't be able to accept him back into my life again.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 2:09 AM, September 3rd (Monday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 9/3/2018 04:45 AM

Try to live your life one day at a time and work on the 180. Put some space between you and your husband. He doesn't deserve you back at this point. Take some time to figure out what would be best for you and your kids. Your WH has proven that he is not to be trusted and is not worthy of your love and companionship at this time in your life.

annb posted 9/3/2018 05:40 AM

I'm so sorry he is putting you through this hell again.

Apparently he didn't learn a thing after his first rodeo, this is the second that you know of, please dig deep and find your self-respect bc this man has absolutely no respect for you.

Personally, I'd meet with an attorney or three asap.

This is who he is...an attention seeker who cannot keep his parts in his pants.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

My WH knows if he ever pulls this crap again, I will be meeting with several of the best shark attorneys in town.

Chrysalis123 posted 9/3/2018 05:45 AM

I agree, see an attorney to learn where you stand in the event you decide to divorce. Knowledge is power, and keep your activities to yourself concerning this because I suspect he will use what you say and do against you.

Have you thought about demanding a polygraph?

ChamomileTea posted 9/3/2018 08:46 AM

Apparently he volunteered to help her with yardwork and projects around her house on the weekends when her kids were with her ex.

Ugh. And what does he think you'll be doing when you're the one who's single and needs help with "yardwork and projects around the house"?

This reminds my of my own WH sitting in my kitchen telling me that he felt sorry for one of the OW because, get this.... her husband was cheating on her.

I can't tell you what you should do about the marriage, but I agree wholeheartedly that you should see a divorce attorney and find out what ending the marriage would look like. Also, I don't need to remind you (but I will), don't forget to get tested for STDs.

This guy watched what you went through last time, and then turned around and did it again. It seems his brand of "empathy" is arbitrary at best, and at worst transactional, like an opportunist who exploits any weakness he can find in order to get what he wants.

Be wary.

jb3199 posted 9/3/2018 09:30 AM

It's almost like a different kind of pain, when you experienced infidelity, did what you thought were the right steps to reconcile, start to let your emotional guard down....only to have it blow up in your face once again. It is literal emotional cruelty.

The added insult is with who he did this. It wasn't enough to shatter your world again, but his own son? Just pathetic on his behalf.

jessb115258 posted 9/3/2018 13:24 PM

The thought of divorce is very upsetting, but Iím even more upset thinking about spending the rest of my life with someone like him. Iíve started to google divorce lawyers in my area, I never thought I would end up at this point. I havenít asked him to leave yet because the kids start school this week and I donít want their first week to start with negativity. Heís doing the right things again, being transparent with his phone and social media accounts. The GPS tracker in his car shows heís only going to work and back or wherever heís taking the kids.

I want to confront the other woman, but scared of finding out more.

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