Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: wonkeddev

Just Found Out :
Here again almost five years later

This Topic is Archived
default

 jessb115258 (original poster new member #41314) posted at 1:17 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

My husband cheated with a coworker for a few months in 2013, at first he wasn’t remorseful and the trickle truth was almost unbearable. I kicked him out and stopped talking to him, which woke him up to losing me and the kids. He found a new job, was transparent with his phone and email, and was always checking in with me. He started individual therapy and we went to marriage counseling. After a few months, I let him come back home and he was the model husband. I really thought he learned his lesson, we were communicating better and he made every effort to demonstrate that the kids and I were his priority.

I found out he’s been having an affair with one of our son’s friend’s mom for the last five months. She’s divorced and my husband was her knight in shining armor. They started talking at our son’s little league practices and games. Another mom alerted me to the way they’ve been talking to each other, seemed inappropriate to her.

I confronted him about her, which he said nothing was going on and that he learned his lesson the last time. I didn’t believe him and put a tracker in his car. I confronted him again when I found he was going to her house. He didn’t deny it again. Apparently he volunteered to help her with yardwork and projects around her house on the weekends when her kids were with her ex. He told me he was at the gym or golfing with his buddies. He said they started having sex the third time he went to her house in April and have been having sex most weekends. He says she made him feel valued and he felt sorry for her since she’s alone.

Again he wants another chance to prove he can change. He’s gone no contact with her, but it means nothing to me. I’m numb.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2013   ·   location: New York
id 8240812
default

Mene ( member #64377) posted at 1:20 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

Everyone handles these issues differently. Some give WS another chance. If they do it again, that’s it. He’s a serial cheater. You deserve better. His history suggests he will do it again. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. You have some thinking to do. Good luck with the decision you make.

Life wasn’t meant to be fair...

posts: 874   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2018   ·   location: Cyberland
id 8240814
default

OneLittleVictory ( member #61821) posted at 1:23 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

I wouldn't give him another chance.

D-Day: December 22, 2016

posts: 463   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2017
id 8240815
default

redrock ( member #21538) posted at 1:26 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

I’m so very sorry. To have him experience the pain and roller coaster the first time around with you and to choose to screw around with a woman within your aquaintence is just dumb, selfish and super shitty.

You don’t have to make a decision today. Take some time. You do deserve better. Right now take care of yourself. Eat, drink and sleep if you can.

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

posts: 3536   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 8240816
default

traicionada ( member #10310) posted at 1:50 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

(((jessb115258)))

Only you can decide if giving him another chance is an option but I will highly encourage you to get into counseling to help you sort through your options.

Real love is a CHOICE, NOT a feeling...

posts: 4020   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2006   ·   location: Dallas, Texas
id 8240827
default

WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 2:16 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

This would definitely be it for me.

When you kicked him out, was it just a free for all for his penis? Because he sure didn't learn a damned thing. He cares more about his penis and this "alone" woman than he does about the well-being of his children and their mother.

I'm so sorry. Of course you are numb. It's because you know this is even worse than 5 years ago. You know he doesn't care about you. Only himself.

Tell him to go be with her. Tell the entire neighborhood. All the other moms and dads. Turn them into pariahs.

Pigs.

You deserve so much better than this. Go find it for yourself.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4526   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8240837
default

 jessb115258 (original poster new member #41314) posted at 2:29 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

When I kicked him out the first time, he stayed with his cousin. I thought he was thinking through what he had done, but he was probably sleeping around. I asked him if there’s been anyone between the first time he cheated and this woman, he claims no. I don’t believe him. I think he only cares about himself and the thrill of new women. I don’t want our kids to grow up with part-time parents, but I also want to teach them what’s acceptable and not acceptable in a marriage. I feel so pathetic, but I still love him. I know divorce is the right option, but it hurts to think about.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2013   ·   location: New York
id 8240840
default

Starzen ( member #47943) posted at 2:31 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

Grrrrr, the more I read about these repeat offenders the more angry I become. Although it reinforces my decision to get the hell rid of my albatross of almost 17 years, rage arises within me for everyone that has to go through all of this crap. I second everything WhoTheBleep said.

posts: 179   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8240841
default

deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 2:37 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

He doesn’t deserve you.

You gave him the precious gift of r and he threw it back your face.

In your shoes I wouldn’t give him another chance but that’s obviously your choice to make.

We are here for you regardless of what you decide.

me-BW
him-WH


so far successfully in R

posts: 3775   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8240844
default

Starzen ( member #47943) posted at 2:38 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

Jessb, don't you dare feel pathetic! He's pathetic. Do not turn this inward and blame it on yourself, or feel responsible for it, or feel stupid. You will process and handle this in the way that is best for you, in the timeframe best for you, but do it from a position of strength, not from a position of feeling pathetic. Remember YOU are the prize here, not that cheating, lying, stranger in your house.

posts: 179   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2015   ·   location: United States
id 8240845
default

Shockedmom ( member #44708) posted at 2:45 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

I’m sorry you are here again Jess.

I know you don’t want your kids to grow up in a broken home however be aware that others probably already know and have been talking. Your kids should hear this from you before others share the gossip.

Please expose the affair. This OW is a predator and your WH was apparently easy pickings.

Have you asked him to complete a polygraph? There may be more to the story than you know.

Again I am so sorry.

posts: 1094   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8240848
default

 jessb115258 (original poster new member #41314) posted at 2:51 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

Thank you everyone for the support. I’m so ashamed that this has happened again. The other woman has smiled in my face and pretended to be my friend. She’s watched my kids so my husband and I could go out on dates. I want to ask her why, but no answer will bring me peace or understanding. As for a polygraph, it’s not going to give help me. Knowing the full truth will just make it worse.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2013   ·   location: New York
id 8240851
default

Ponus18 ( member #57090) posted at 3:50 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

I’m sorry you’re here Jess.

You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong.

Going from a cheater to now a serial cheater is a whole other thing. I would file for D immediately and not look back. You probably don’t know anything close to the full truth. I don’t believe it was even just these 2 APs.

You deserve much better.

Hang in there.

Married a serial cheater.
Found out 18 years in.
Happily remarried.

posts: 481   ·   registered: Jan. 25th, 2017
id 8240868
default

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 8:03 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

jess, I told my WH that if he did "anything" against our marriage again, I would be done with him and I mean it. I already look at him differently today and I just don't see him as that strong, loving, kind, faithful husband anymore. Sure, there are better days for us and sure I love my WH but for me, I have had a hard time getting past the person my husband became. Don't you feel this way also when you look at your WH today? Can you really look up to, respect and admire a man after he has done this to you a second time and lied to you repeatedly?

I imagine that my WH would also beg me for forgiveness and beg me for another chance to change and save the marriage if he "chose" to make these horrible decisions again.

I'm sorry and I am speaking for myself, after everything my WH put me through, there is no way that I would ever look at my WH with love and forgiveness in my heart again if he went out and had another affair. I just wouldn't be able to accept him back into my life again.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 2:09 AM, September 3rd (Monday)]

posts: 927   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8240920
default

Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 10:45 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

Try to live your life one day at a time and work on the 180. Put some space between you and your husband. He doesn't deserve you back at this point. Take some time to figure out what would be best for you and your kids. Your WH has proven that he is not to be trusted and is not worthy of your love and companionship at this time in your life.

posts: 927   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8240930
default

annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:40 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

I'm so sorry he is putting you through this hell again.

Apparently he didn't learn a thing after his first rodeo, this is the second that you know of, please dig deep and find your self-respect bc this man has absolutely no respect for you.

Personally, I'd meet with an attorney or three asap.

This is who he is...an attention seeker who cannot keep his parts in his pants.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

My WH knows if he ever pulls this crap again, I will be meeting with several of the best shark attorneys in town.

posts: 12239   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8240941
default

Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 11:45 AM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

I agree, see an attorney to learn where you stand in the event you decide to divorce. Knowledge is power, and keep your activities to yourself concerning this because I suspect he will use what you say and do against you.

Have you thought about demanding a polygraph?

Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver

Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie

posts: 6709   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2010
id 8240943
default

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 2:46 PM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

Apparently he volunteered to help her with yardwork and projects around her house on the weekends when her kids were with her ex.

Ugh. And what does he think you'll be doing when you're the one who's single and needs help with "yardwork and projects around the house"?

This reminds my of my own WH sitting in my kitchen telling me that he felt sorry for one of the OW because, get this.... her husband was cheating on her.

I can't tell you what you should do about the marriage, but I agree wholeheartedly that you should see a divorce attorney and find out what ending the marriage would look like. Also, I don't need to remind you (but I will), don't forget to get tested for STDs.

This guy watched what you went through last time, and then turned around and did it again. It seems his brand of "empathy" is arbitrary at best, and at worst transactional, like an opportunist who exploits any weakness he can find in order to get what he wants.

Be wary.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10

posts: 7098   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8240983
default

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 3:30 PM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

It's almost like a different kind of pain, when you experienced infidelity, did what you thought were the right steps to reconcile, start to let your emotional guard down....only to have it blow up in your face once again. It is literal emotional cruelty.

The added insult is with who he did this. It wasn't enough to shatter your world again, but his own son? Just pathetic on his behalf.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4388   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8241003
default

 jessb115258 (original poster new member #41314) posted at 7:24 PM on Monday, September 3rd, 2018

The thought of divorce is very upsetting, but I’m even more upset thinking about spending the rest of my life with someone like him. I’ve started to google divorce lawyers in my area, I never thought I would end up at this point. I haven’t asked him to leave yet because the kids start school this week and I don’t want their first week to start with negativity. He’s doing the right things again, being transparent with his phone and social media accounts. The GPS tracker in his car shows he’s only going to work and back or wherever he’s taking the kids.

I want to confront the other woman, but scared of finding out more.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2013   ·   location: New York
id 8241109
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy