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How to deal with...

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DestroyedWife80 posted 9/12/2018 15:57 PM

The panic when I canít reach him. Or I have to leave him alone to go to work. Or heís on business trips and he decides to Ďgo to bed earlyí.

I work myself into a panic attack 😭

I shouldnít care but I do!

Pinkypeach posted 9/12/2018 17:26 PM

I know exactly how you feel. I found a receipt for a PAYG mobile while WH is away on the current business trip. It sent me in to full blown panic - sim card and phone number on reciept from Dec 17 - I eventually calmed a little and worked out it was the phone and sim card he bought his mum for Xmas last year and rang the number to speak to her just to check.
I don't have a solution except try not to act till your calm and can look at the situation rationally but that's much easier said than done.
I'm sorry we are here.

[This message edited by Pinkypeach at 5:26 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

DestroyedWife80 posted 9/12/2018 17:29 PM

Itís crazy because I feel as though I do not want R. So why care?

Another womanís hands on my husbands flesh...the image burns my soul!!!!

Momo24 posted 9/12/2018 21:03 PM

You care because you have been given a blow that your life/marriage has been a lie. You are still trying to save what you had.

I did the same thing. Detach--it takes time to figure out how to do it. Detaching helps you so much. It does or can have several results. You start figuring out what you need and want. It also can help your WS to start realizing that you won't be available to be taken for granted.

Have you figured out what kind of boundaries you need? State them to him. Sounds like he is still in the "entitled" stage. They have that attitude that they will still do what they want and you/us should be happy that we are in their presence.

I found the 180 was easier to do when I hit the anger stage.

[This message edited by Momo24 at 9:24 PM, September 12th (Wednesday)]

changeneeded posted 9/12/2018 23:21 PM

Oh my gosh, I understand what you mean, it's awful the panic that I am thrown into when these types of things happen.

When he says he is going to a meeting, when we are somewhere together and he goes off to the restroom, and is gone longer than I think he should be gone... he is calling, answering a text, waiting for a text?

I hate it, hate that I am in this position. HATE. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter how I feel or what I think. Whatever he is doing or isn't doesn't matter, it's going to happen or it isn't.

When the time is right (for me) I will gather what I have and what I need and exit.

I wish you the best. I wish you peace.

humandancer posted 9/13/2018 11:31 AM

I completely feel you. My WH went away from work last week. I felt constantly at the edge of panic. We are in a limbo. I currently cannot muster the courage to do a complete 180, so I don't really know where we stand. I would text him and get no response til the morning. Its horrible.

Meditation and relaxing exercises helped a bit. Repeating "I have no control over his actions" and trying to focus on myself. I am sorry you are going through this.

heartbroken_kk posted 9/13/2018 12:07 PM

I think it's time to bump some of our classic threads. Look for the target icon and the thread "mind movies and how to stop them" -- There are ways to distract yourself so you feel better.

trustedg posted 9/14/2018 08:56 AM

Itís crazy because I feel as though I do not want R. So why care?
R is VERY hard even when both try their hardest and have much less to deal with than you have in your relationship. Detach, make you the priority. The truth is, you can't watch him all the time, you will have to trust at some point. He has shown you he is not trustworthy and has a lot of work to do on himself so let him go and do the work and when he is healed you can decide if you want him back.

Move on, take care of yourself.

Pinkypeach posted 9/14/2018 15:20 PM

Trustedg would you detach and move on until they show you they can be trusted(?) or move on regardless?
I'm struggling to know what to do at the current

Pinkypeach posted 9/14/2018 15:22 PM

humandancer is it worth it? Should we just 180 and only worry about ourselves? I am coming to the point of wanting to 180 even though WH wants R because I feel it best protects me and my children

trustedg posted 9/14/2018 15:35 PM

Trustedg would you detach and move on until they show you they can be trusted(?) or move on regardless?
Everyone has to make their own decisions. All situations are different, in my case I found out 25 years later and WH had been faithful for those 25 years, made it easier to R. It seems serial cheaters and those who continue to TT and lie don't make good R material.

Pinkypeach posted 9/14/2018 15:40 PM

Sorry quite new here, what is TT?

[This message edited by Pinkypeach at 3:40 PM, September 14th (Friday)]

beenthereinco posted 9/14/2018 16:12 PM

TT is Trickle Truth or the practice of giving the truth to you in little bits and pieces only admitting to what you can prove.

HellFire posted 9/14/2018 17:25 PM

What work is he doing on himself? What is he doing to help you feel safe?

He could turn Skype on when he goes to bed, and you could keep your laptop on so you can glance at it during the night.

Pinkypeach posted 9/14/2018 17:49 PM

He's going to IC.
He has offered FaceTime when away but I haven't taken him up on it. I know the OW was in another country this time but that won't always be the case.
I just don't know if I am yet facing it or trying to pretend it didn't happen still.

CatsNTats posted 9/14/2018 18:58 PM

You never should've been put in a place where you have to learn to "deal with it." None of us should. The trauma caused by affairs makes us feel crazy and out of control. I just hit my angry phase and haven't been in a good state of mind to implement the 180 yet. But I need to, you need to too. You need to remind yourself you have no control over his actions. What he does is 100% on him. It's easy to ask how we got here and what we did wrong - but it wasn't us. It was them.

Try some breathing meditation...or try to occupy your time. If you two are working on R, he needs to be an open book. If he's not being as transparent as he should be - that's a problem. I'm sorry you are here, but hopefully you find the support and advice you need to get you through this.

Hugs.

marji posted 9/14/2018 19:34 PM

Destroyed you're not working yourself into a panic attack--your husband's violation did that work for you; you are not reacting in a totally normal, pretictable way, and have totally normal feelings of fear and distrust given what your H has done.

So don't think of yourself as working yourself into anything--but do think of ways of working yourself out of horrible feelings; work with a good betrayal trauma therapist if you can; participate in a support group; be sure to spend time doing good things for yourself, focusing on yourself and doing whatever you can to heal from the grievous wound your H has created.

Decide what you need to feel safer and let your H know these boundaries. You say you panic when you can't reach him--what are those times when you can't reach him--can that be altered so you can reach him just about any time and make arrangements for the exceptions; someone suggested Skype when he is on a trip--would that help? Is your H will and able, indeed bending over backwards to do all and anything possible by way of availability and transparency?

You say you should care but you do--not sure the "shoulds" are helpful except for one--the should in that that we should all be doing all we can to get better, to feel better, to regain our sense of balance and normal and to make clear what we need and the make clear to ourselves consequences if our needs aren't met.

The1stWife posted 9/14/2018 21:04 PM

Given The fact he has been cheating for some time, this is all expected.

Your DDay was recently and you are feeling. This is complete devastation to you.

The panic sets in and your mind starts racing as to where he is and what he is doing.

I suggest you get a counselor just for you. To help you on this emotional roller coaster ride called infidelity.

pureheartkit posted 9/14/2018 23:07 PM

Frequent checking in helps but again, there is no 100% certainty. Anyone who is determined can find a clever way. He has to build the trust back. It's so maddening when the anxious thoughts happen.

DestroyedWife80 posted 9/14/2018 23:22 PM

So, two things...one, he doesnít know I know yet. So hence the difficult situation. I have gathered almost enough so he canít turn it around and say he was Ďjust curiousí Or it was just phone calls etc. I expect to confront him this weekend with the info.

And- devastatingly...I was correct. Both times he didnít answer my phone calls and texts, I was able to confirm by going through his phone while he was in the shower...that he had called escorts just before. He never, ever doesnít answer my phone calls. So I was right. I feel like such an enormous nothing. I canít believe that giving my all to this man mattered so little and Iím just not enough....my life is over as I know it. I donít want a new life. I want my old happy life.

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