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Discovered my wife sexting

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Freeme posted 11/8/2018 05:50 AM

Can't wait for the angry text.
I hope not but I wouldn't put it past her. You are giving her what she wants. You are going to be seen as a monster either way - your in a no win situation. It's best to move forward and out of infidelity.

Wool94 posted 11/8/2018 07:16 AM

You have no children. Block her and let your lawyer do all of your talking.

Falc... find your anger dude.

Gutpunch posted 11/8/2018 08:10 AM

Let her calls go to voicemail

Stevesn posted 11/8/2018 09:05 AM

Falc

I know youíre struggling. I would be too in the same situation. Feelings are hard to put behind you. Of course it takes time, lots of time, and thatís not always helpful in the moment.

Iím going to say that it is absolutely ok to go NC at this point, even block her and have your lawyer inform her that all correspondence should go through him.

But if it were me, and maybe most would disagree, I would be honest one last time if she does send me an angry communication after getting served. Saying exactly what I mean and feel.

It would be along the lines of:
ďYou made it clear that you are no longer Interested in me or our marriage. I still care and I am willing to work on our relationship, but not with a wife 2000 miles away still in communication with another man she has feelings for. If during this process of divorce you realize that I and our marriage is important to you enough to work on it, then come back and we will discuss where we go from there. Otherwise I think itís best we no longer communicate. My lawyers number is xxx-xxx-xxxx and can answer all questions for you. Iím sad our relationship has come to this but am now working on moving on with my life.Ē

Then block her. You canít be more clear of what her options are. Only way R could ever start is if she shows up at your door. Let go of that outcome and continue doing what you are doing to move on. You have no control over her actions so eliminate Wisconsin and all that is happening there from your life as you build a new one. If she wants to be a part of it she will show up. None of us, including you, should hold our breath that she will make that happen.

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:06 AM, November 8th (Thursday)]

Gutpunch posted 11/8/2018 09:44 AM

I completely disagree with the above post.

You have played the pick me dance long enough already.

If R is going to happen, it will happen because she wants it. Not because of anything you do or don't do.

Your wife is cheating and does not deserve the comfort of knowing that her Plan B is still an option.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 9:45 AM, November 8th (Thursday)]

BBBD posted 11/8/2018 09:52 AM

No contact. You pay a lawyer for a reason.

Iíll give you my example. Married 10 years, no kids. Packed my bags and moved 3k miles away. Trust me I was there (where you are). The only way I would R is if she came to see me physically, apologized, and showed me a plan how this marriage can work. And even then it was still 50/50 if I would R.

Guess what happened? Angry texts during the week, and ďI miss youĒ texts during the weekend (she was probably drunk).

A goal without a plan is wishful thinking. Your W should walk on shard glass to get to you. If all sheíll do is text, then Iím sorry, but thatís just Lazy and not worth your time.

[This message edited by BBBD at 9:59 AM, November 8th (Thursday)]

Falc posted 11/8/2018 10:23 AM

The problem is that my wife will probably not understand that we can stop the D process at any time. I don't know. I think staying NC is best, I really would like to respond to an angry text in a manner Steve stated but does it really matter?

I mean honestly, does it really matter... she left, she has shown absolutely zero indication she feels the slightest bit of remorse. She hasn't shown me a single thing at all. Everyone who is in R, their spouses had a change of heart. My spouse has shown me nothing. She moved 2000 miles away.

twisted posted 11/8/2018 10:31 AM

Falc, I don't see that you have anything left to lose that you haven't already lost. On the bright side, there's' nowhere left to go but up.

Life will dump on all of us eventually. How you deal with it will show your character.
Get up, keeping moving forward my friend!

Gutpunch posted 11/8/2018 10:32 AM

Everyone who is in R, their spouses had a change of heart. My spouse has shown me nothing

Now you get it

I'm going to post something a WW wrote on another thread that I think applies to you Falc

Gutpunch posted 11/8/2018 10:33 AM

ON TOPIC: Respect the original posters' intent and avoid threadjacking. Feel free to start new topics to discuss general subject matter in other threads, but do not refer to specific topics or threads outside of their original location.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:45 AM, November 9th (Friday)]

twisted posted 11/8/2018 10:58 AM

Good stuff, Gutpunch. Thanks for posting that.

Stevesn posted 11/8/2018 11:01 AM

Ha. I knew most wouldnít agree.

But I started my post by saying that NC now was absolutely fine to do.

If it were me Iíd send a last statement like I wrote and immediately block her everywhere (Cell/text, FB, IG, other). If she wants me she can next show up at my door. And then Iíd work on getting on with my life.

But I have no problem just blocking her now so You donít even see any angry texts.

To me it doesnít matter. Block, or send last text and block, the important thing is to block.

And as for her not knowing you can stop the D process, I alluded to her showing up before the D is final. If she isnít sharp enough to figure that out then Iím not sure you should be with her anyway.

Falc posted 11/8/2018 11:03 AM

Yeah that was good. The only issue I see is that me getting mad is what I usually did. We yelled at each other quite a bit. So me actually not getting mad is what triggered her. When we met she actually said 'Why arent you yelling at me? Id prefer if you were angry and screaming at me'. But everything else is pretty spot on. This is just the hardest thing I've ever had to do and closing the door on this is hurting very bad. But as I said before, what signs has she given me that she wants to be with me or that she wants the marriage? There's nothing, absolutely fucking nothing. This is what has to be done, as much as it fucking hurts me to the core of my being. I know that I will be okay but it doesn't change the fact that it will take years to get back to being healthy and that's what completely crushes me.

Gutpunch posted 11/8/2018 11:19 AM

Showing any emotion at this point isn't a good idea.

She wanted you to yell at her to justify her cheating.

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 11:28 AM, November 8th (Thursday)]

stubbornft posted 11/8/2018 11:19 AM

Falc Ė you are doing a good job and have made a lot of progress. You need to be ok with being upset about it. Of course you are! It is a big deal. It is ok to be sad and it is normal. I read something by a runner who said that he ran a marathon and developed a blister very soon into the 26.2 miles. He said that at first he tried to distract himself with other things and think of anything but the blister, but that with each step he hurt more and more. Once he told himself that the blister was there and it was going to be uncomfortable with each step, the pain lessened. He had changed his mindset from hoping the pain would disappear to acknowledging it and feeling it and processing the pain. And it hurt less because he wasnít shocked by the hurt with each step.

You are supposed to be upset at this stage. You are supposed to feel sadness. It is ok! I agree with all others of keeping NC but I also think you are trying to magically not hurt. Donít wake up each morning and be surprised that you are bummed out. You are supposed to be! It is ok. And lots of people that were at the same place as you, felt the same way, and they were able to move on. You are really doing a great job. Stay strong and keep reaching out for support.

xhz700 posted 11/8/2018 11:21 AM

Id prefer if you were angry and screaming at me

She'd prefer that you are angry, or loving. Either is just as good to her. That shows her that you are still in. That shows that you care.

The way that you win here is by detaching emotionally. Don't show her she is causing you pain. Don't engage. Don't make her think that there is a chance. I know that you don't want to push her away, and this seems counter-intuitive, but the best way to come out of this is to detach.

Falc posted 11/8/2018 11:25 AM

Showing any emotion at this point isn't a good idea. She wanted you to yell at her to justify her cheating.

Yes, this is it exactly. That's why I didn't show any emotion during our meeting two weeks ago. That is why I am holding my anger, it only justifies her cheating in her mind. I did lay out my cards one last time but that was it. No emotion is the way to go.

[This message edited by Falc at 11:26 AM, November 8th (Thursday)]

Ripped62 posted 11/8/2018 11:55 AM

You will not want to hear this. Your wayward wife is gone. You need to live in the present based on this reality. You also need to plan for the future based on this reality. She is the only one that can change this fact. She is also the only one that can do the work to become a safe spouse. Presently, based on her actions she has no interest in doing either.

It will hurt but you will heal. Use this time for personal growth.

You will find she no longer has your best interests at heart. So get ready for this reality.

What you are thinking and daydreaming about is not what she desires or is thinking and daydreaming about.

Falc and being a faithful wife are not it.

[This message edited by Ripped62 at 5:44 PM, November 8th (Thursday)]

Falc posted 11/8/2018 12:20 PM

I think that I know this already Ripped. And I am moving ahead with that in mind. It doesn't change the fact that I still have some sort of hope she comes back but knocking that out of my brain is easier said than done. But I am moving forward despite that fact.

Stevesn posted 11/8/2018 13:00 PM

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