"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

ChanceAtLife35 posted 3/15/2019 08:28 AM

My life is everywhere...I want you to see how much chaos I cause myself and loved one's...I am desperate for another chance, but I want you to hear my story...I desire another chance at life..

It's important I work on rigorous honesty because that is something I haven't been capable of doing what seems like my entire life. To open up more in regards to my forum "Here Take These," I want to give you full disclosure of what's going on because it was difficult to tell, but it's important I do. Last Wednesday I became overwhelmed when my BS wanted me to move out and seek legal separation. I suffer from abandonment and rejection issues so when I got this news I became very frantic and I always go to the extreme by acting out or literally reacting like a baby who was taking away from their mother. That night she went out which I didn't know where she was and I thought the worst. I thought she is probably with someone else and may not come home. I ended up going to the store and buying over the counter meds to drown out what I was feeling. Unfortunately during these times, I also become suicidal. I ended up leaving the kids with the Aunt to go see the AP. I lied and told the Aunt I had a family emergency. My BS has my phone tracked so I left it off in the parking lot so she wouldn't find it. I had 2 bottles of night quil in the cup holders of my car.

Before I got there, i was considering driving to a remote area and drinking a bunch of night quil to self harm. I was too scared to do it. I drove to where AP lives. I got to the AP's gate and didn't know the code anymore so I waited until someone let me in. I drove up to the AP's house and she was not home. She has 2 cars and they were gone. My adrenaline was at a ten. I looked to see if there were any lights on and it was pitch black. I remember feeling so frantic and desperate and thinking I am about to act out this is not going to end well. I waited for 5 minutes or so and then I left. I swear a part of me was relieved that she was not there. I went home, grabbed my phone where I hid it in the parking lot and turned it on with missed calls and texts from my BS. She said "I know you saw your GF" or something like that. Then my older siblings started calling me(I found out later my BS reached out and told my sister I was missing and was probably with the AP.") I text my BS that I was home and sent her a picture that I was home. Ofc, this shit didn't fly.

She said she was done, ready to end it all. I lost it. I put the kids to bed and grabbed a bottle of night quil(generic), drinking over half. I became really drowsy and called a Mental Health crisis line which led to her sending help to me under my consent. In the state I live in I couldn't refuse being taken in so I had no choice but to go to a psych ward. With the amount I took, the doctor at the ward said to rush me to the ER for blood work. Luckily what I took didn't have what could have destroyed my liver. What was my first hospital stay, it was the most frightening experience. I was discharged the next day, which my BS came to take me home. Man I fucked up.

BS believes I slept with the AP, but I didn't. I want to stick to the NC but I also want to prove that I didn't see the AP. I haven't seen AP since 6/10/2018 with no physical contact since. My BS is aware of the times I relapsed and reached out by phone only. How else can I prove that I didn't see AP? I DID NOT SEE HER. It's hard because of my dishonest ways and TT. Any help is appreciated. I really do want to change, and I know I keep making it harder for myself and her. I know relapses happen but I want to end all contact with the AP and work on myself without going to this extreme...

I realize since I have been hiding and living this secret life, now that I am revealed, this is the most comfortable thing of facing myself and going through the healing process. But I do because I want to save my marriage and be a healthy parent for my 2 kids. I am in IC, in a 12 step program for sex and love addicts, and last night I started the workshop on www.recoverynation.com.

I pray my higher power see's and hears my pain and I know I am not a bad person just very broken. I am sorry I keep letting myself and family down. I love them so much. I don't want to leave this earth being this person. Any advice on how to prove NC with AP is appreciated..

ibonnie posted 3/15/2019 09:07 AM

Any advice on how to prove NC with AP is appreciated..

BS here. Errrr..... not sure it will really make a difference, because your intentions were to make contact with AP. You were lucky that your AP was not home, but if they were home, what would have happened then?

Take responsibility for your actions -- you tried to break NC, you just weren't successful. If your BS wants to legally separate, work on a fair separation agreement. My WS AND i are legally separated, and he didn't want to, either, but I wanted to figure everything out (who gets the kids for Easter, who gets Christmas, who pays the vet bill, who pays for college, have a custody/visitation schedule in place) so if he broke NC or R just wasn't working out, I could just walk away with things already in place.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 3/15/2019 09:37 AM

My advice (also as a BS) is a bit more focused on YOU and not on your AP or BS. It sounds to me like you are in the midst of a pretty serious emotional crisis. You need to do two things: 1) seek help for yourself to get you out of crisis mode, and 2) LET GO OF THE OUTCOME. Do number 1 first - please.

I also have a few questions for you:

1) Why did you go to the APs house? Like really why, in your mind, at the time, did you think that would be a good idea? I mean your reaction to your BS saying she wants a separation, you run to the one place that is definitely going to have the greatest propensity to making that separation permanent. Think about that for a minute...why did you do that exactly? Again, for real - why? Think about what made you think about it to begin with? What did you think about when you got there? What did you think about when you drove home? And how do you feel about it now?

If you've kept NC since 6/18 that is a long time. I'm glad for you that your AP wasn't home...it's like an alcoholic who has been clean for 9 months, who has a break down and runs to the store with the intention of buying booze, but when they get there the store is closed. Call it divine intervention or just a stroke of luck - but you didn't have a full blown relapse because NC hasn't been broken - but as ibonnie aptly pointed out - the DESIRE to break NC was there, which leads me to my next question:

2) What will keep you from doing this the next time you have a fight with your BS, or if your BS leaves for good, or in the future with this AP or a new one? What will keep you from running towards self-sabotage when a crisis happens at any time in your life?

You need to work on this in IC or whatever you think will help you the most. Abandonment issues, especially with men, seem to be VERY damaging long term. You say you have abandonment issues...if you don't mind my asking are you speaking about a male figure in your life or something more general?

I'm not trying to berate/harass you here - I have no interest in doing that. To me, as a total outsider, I think you need to work on your abandonment issues and whatever else may come with that as it's clearly not only causing your BS distress, but you as well.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 9:38 AM, March 15th (Friday)]

Chaos posted 3/15/2019 09:44 AM

The mere thought of contacting AP is more than enough.

The fact that you acted on the thought is the crux of your issue. The success or failure of that action is irrelevant. You acted to break NC. Bottom line. And that is a problem.

MoreThanBroken posted 3/15/2019 10:06 AM

Chance,
So you want to show your wife that you still want this marriage, so let's just break down your actions.

*she goes out for the night, you become insecure and frantic

*you have overwhelming feelings, you buy enough medicine to cause harm

*you lied to your Aunt to break NC

*you lied to your BS by turning off your phone so she couldn't track you

*in my opinion, the act of seeking out your AP is breaking NC. The moment you began to pursue your AP, to find her once again, the NC was broken. Because the presumption of a NC is that you will not try to contact her...and you did just that.

*you tried to cause damage by downing more medicine, go to the hospital and the BS comes to take you home.

I'm at a loss as to what you really could do to "win her back" or something akin to that. You lie, you break promises, like a child you get yourself into a bad situation and she comes and gets you. That's not the partnership she signed up for, ya know?

Heres my advice:
1) let go of the result, you cant control it anyways
2) own your actions, you broke your promise (multiple times) about NC and you expect your BS to trust your truth?
3) you have deep issues that you need to address. Having attempted suicide several times in my life and spent most of my life cutting myself, these actions are often for seeking attention. Its manipulative and its damaging, also extremely dangerous for yourself. You have to start working on your issues so that you can be a safe partner for your BS, for your possibly ex-wife and for your future spouses.

If your wife wants to separate, be the best person possible, help out, do what's needed, dont drag your feet, and you can also remind her that you still want to work it out...but look at your most recent actions, the one we just went over...would you say that person is a good candidate for reconciliation?

For me? Hard pass.

Carissima posted 3/15/2019 10:17 AM

As a BS it wouldn't matter to me that you didn't see your AP, it's irrelevant to a point. The intent was still there, you physically went to her home and it was just sheer chance the AP wasn't home. Nowhere in your post do you own your intentions and actions. What would you have done if she had been there?

I would also say that to me saying that "relapses happen" is a cop out and only gives you the illusion of an excuse for your own choices and actions. You have control of your own behaviour and if my WH had this attitude I would be raging. Relapses are not inevitable, they are choices!

Barregirl posted 3/15/2019 10:21 AM

WW here. I have to agree that the minute you tried to see AP, you broke NC. I also agree that you need to get into IC. Self-harming behaviors coupled with cripling anxiety is not a good combination and one which will never make you safe. No matter your desires, you need to let go of the outcome for you BS. You have put her through so much already and the best thing you can do for her now is give her whatever she tells you she needs to heal. You have been given this advice here a few times, but I really wish you would heed it for the sake of your BS.

[This message edited by Barregirl at 10:21 AM, March 15th (Friday)]

ChanceAtLife35 posted 3/15/2019 10:49 AM

I take full responsibility for my actions and own up to facing the consequences. I relapsed and will do everything in my power not to do it again. Otw home that night from leaving the AP's i felt horrible but so unraveled in my emotions of not wanting to be here. I don't want to be this person. I made a very poor choice again and i am taking responsibility to fix this. I want to save my marriage and myself.

I am very grateful for your responses...I believe my higher power made sure AP wasn't there as my final warning to get my shit together or I will experience my biggest fear...Being alone..

Backstory: I am a female in a same sex M. I am the youngest of 6 kids. I have experienced child abandonment from my parents, molestation by my sister 4 years older than me(once) and 2 years of molestation off and on by a males cousin, rape, not feeling heard, seen, very codependent, no friends, anxiety, and depression. Never had any healthy relationships while always attaching to people for validation and fear of rejection. I run from people who are good and try to love me and be my friend in fear of rejection and abandonment. I discovered my sexuality at 5 years old, came out at 23, lost my Dad at 25, was emotionally abused by sister who molested me and my Mom is a controlling narcissist(hard to say but it's true). Grew up in a home where no one talked about there feelings and were emotionally unavailable. Our way of showing love was to be catered to and provided for(credit BS for discovery). Work and take care of home. My Mom is the oldest of 14 kids, told me friends are your enemies, shut down my dreams, never guided me, but I know she loves me put her FOO screwed her up too. My Dad was separated at birth from his twin brother until they reunited at 13. His twin brother died 7 months after him.

I use and manipulate people for love, validation, to be heard, seen, acceptance, approval. I act out sexually, binge eat, turn to alcohol, and isolate. I feel like I did attempt suicide as a cry for help. I wake up every day feeling grateful to be alive. It would be selfish to take my life leaving another painful burden for my BS, 2 kids, and family. My BS is the epitome of a perfect partner, adored me, loved me conditionally, uplifted me, guided me, did everything, but my pain and issues of not feeling good enough and etc made me run.

I am emotionally avoidant(BS credit for discovery) which doesn't help, but I swear this experience has shook me to my damn core. I could be dead. I do not want to be a cheater, I want to know who I really am, treat people like they deserve to be treated. For now, I sleep on the couch, and respect my BS boundaries. She is not working but starts school FT next week. Sadly, my son is picking up my bad habits of selfishness, manipulation, and shutting down. It broke my heart to watch it unfold last night as he drained my BS with his trying to control his sister and friend who was sleeping over, constantly talking back, being dishonest, and draining all of her energy. It crushed me. My poor beautiful son. This morning I called to set up an appt to see a therapist.

I broke contact with AP because she still has a fucking hold on me, like my BS said my power(BS credit for discovery. She reminds me of my Mom sadly(BS credit for discovery). She is familiar like my family, emotionally avoidant, selfish, general with conversation, doesn't uplift me, very negative, doesn't tell me to snap out of it, doesn't care that she helped me ruin my family. She is an affair down(BS credit for discovery). But that's my problem, i run to people just like me and i know i don't have to open up. I literally felt relieved AP was not home. My higher power was there to tell me you better get your shit together or you are one step closer to your biggest fear. I am not connecting with my feelings and putting in the necessary work but you better got damn believe i vow to commit to change. This is the worst experience for my family at their expense. They didn't deserve this.

I am not a bad person, just very broken. I have a college degree, was good in sports, held a job since i was 16. I just need to heal these wounds, have peace, and start life on a new slap. My BS is the reason why i know everything about me. SHE GETS ALL THE CREDIT. It's my job to show up for her and myself. I feel horrible i went to the AP's house. I hadn't gone there since my BS drove us there out of rage to leave me there.

I have not acted out sexually with AP or anyone else since 6/9/2018. Haven't seen the AP physically since 6/10/2018. I vow to never go back. Being honest and transparent will be huge in this process. I am sick of being a liar, sick of betraying people. I pray my higher power walks with me on this narrow path to recovery. I let my family down for the last time. This is the most open i have ever been in my life. It's liberating but crushing at the same time because it took this experience to get here...

I have to go but this is my verbal commitment to end this dark madness.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 3/15/2019 10:53 AM

I want to add that i will obey my BS's wishes and i told her this morning i will do daily check in's like i do in my SLAA(Sex and Love Addict) meetings. Practice humility, compassion, empathy, most importantly rigorous honesty. I am also in IC too with a great clinical cognitive therapist.

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 10:54 AM, March 15th (Friday)]

fooled13years posted 3/15/2019 11:16 AM

ChanceAtLife35 - In two of your three posts on this thread you state:

I am not a bad person, just very broken.

Are you trying to convince us or yourself? I really hope that you are able to obtain the help you are seeking,

tushnurse posted 3/15/2019 11:46 AM

Chance Honey I am going to make a suggestion that sounds mean and harsh, and I don't want to shut you down, but I believe you need to hear this.

You are a very broken person, and have a litany of issues that you can relate back to FOO. But you are also a grown ass woman and it's time to take control of your actions.
You say you are owning them, but then in the same paragraph list off all the reasons (excuses) for what you did. Just stop.

You need to stop being so damn implusive and start acting like an adult. Self Harm and Suicidal Ideation actions (drinking half a bottle of nyquil) are very manipulative actions when you are the partner of the person who is carrying them out.

You need to do some serious work on getting out of the mindset of all these diagnosis. I do think you are horribly CoD and somewhat trapped in the mentality of teenager, but that said you are a parent and it's time to move forward.

You need to honor your WS's wishes and stop worrying so much about her, but healing yourself. Learn to love you. Learn to focus on you. Learn to be complete and happy alone. Do not depend on her to do these things for you.
You are so desperately afraid to be alone that you can't see that the answers are right there in front of you.

Were you diagnosed as an addict or is that a self diagnosis? I don't see addiction as the problem here. I see fear, and impulsiveness. You are obviously smart and capable of doing the things you need to do, to become a healthy safe partner.
Get yourself in therapy.
Get yourself tested for ADHD.
Start loving yourself. Learn how to do that in a way that is healthy and meaningful.

Chaos posted 3/15/2019 11:52 AM

Chance - as a BS I am going to say this very gently.

Your back story may be an explanation for your behavior but is certainly not an excuse for it.

Please, get the help you need. You need to get yourself straight first. I hope you do.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 3/15/2019 12:11 PM

Tushnurse,

I embrace your truth. You got me figured out pretty well. I am a bunch of excuses but this is my mess to clean up for once. I was not diagnosed as a sex and love addict but my actions fit well as one. I confess I am a hurt child in an adult body but I am wasting time moaning and bitching about it. Hell people have it worse. I am blessed don’t get me wrong. Not throwing a pity party just putting it out there because I need to let this crap go to get help which I am. I appreciate this raw truth. I really really do. Loving myself first. Thank you Chaos.

Breaks violins for good

Pippin posted 3/15/2019 12:57 PM

ChanceAtLife35, I'm going to try to give you some sympathy. I think sympathy for how you got to where you are might help you get yourself together, which you and I and everyone on this thread knows you have to do.

You are in really, really bad shape right now. You had a dreadful fear of abandonment, so you scream out to your BS with the suicide attempt. At the same time, you need to get approval and validation from someone, anyone, so when you sense your BS is pulling away, you want to go back to AP. It makes sense to me (not in the sense of being the right thing to do but in the sense of being the thing you feel compelled to do).

You didn't come into the world broken. You came into the world a cute, smart, curious, lovable little baby. Like every child, you needed someone to love you, and someone to reflect back to you that you were interesting and worth their attention, and someone to help you figure out how to get along during the hard parts. But it sounds like you didn’t get any of that. You didn’t get love and people told you that you were only worth their attention if you were their sex object. You probably didn’t get anyone telling you it was OK to fall in love with whomever you wanted, female or male, as long as they treat you well. You certainly didn’t get admiring loved ones cheering you on as you figured the world out and gently helping you learn how to get what you need without hurting others.

So you developed strategies to demand these things that should have been served up to you. You demand attention, you demand that people close to you tell you that you are worth something over and over and you’ll accept sick substitutes, like attention from your AP. These are leftover coping strategies from your messed up childhood to fill those needs you had that didn’t get met, and still have.

And you know what? It’s not your fault! It’s not your fault that you were a little kid dealing with other people’s horrible treatment of you. It’s not your fault that you did your best and developed messed up strategies to try to manage. You deserved better! You deserved to be treated like a precious, priceless treasure, with someone you love helping you and cherishing you. But you didn’t get it. Not because you are bad or shameful or terrible. It’s because the grownups responsible for you could not give it to you. That was shameful and bad and terrible of them.

So here you are, full of shame, hating yourself, with so many holes to fill and so many bad ways of going about filling them. Your BS tried for a while. It sounds like she has decided that she can’t do it anymore. She’s coming back to you because you are in crisis, but it sounds like she doesn’t want to be there anymore.

I don’t know what is going to happen with you and your BS but with your question, you are trying so hard to hang on to her by “proving” to her that you have changed, and you haven’t yet. You think it will buy you time to make bigger changes if you can “prove” that you are NC, but you aren’t NC, as the others said, not really. When the going gets rough, you still will turn to anything you can to cope, even if it hurts other people around you.

I hope you can fix yourself, little by little, without hurting other people in the process, and you should feel SO GOOD every time you do something that helps you to cope in a healthy way with the CRAP HAND you have been dealt. You don’t deserve it, but it’s what you’ve got, and you have the intelligence and time to go for the life you need and want.

Take good care of yourself, you are worth it.

tushnurse posted 3/15/2019 13:57 PM

Assuming you are or have a specific diagnosis is dangerous territory.

was not diagnosed as a sex and love addict but my actions fit well as one.

While doing 12 steps you can learn a few things, and letting go of the outcome is a great lesson, but you need to get yourself to both a Psychiatrist and Psychologist to start doing the hard work you need to do.

In the meantime

Being honest and transparent will be huge in this process. I am sick of being a liar, sick of betraying people.

Make this your Mantra. The first and last rule of R is No More Lies of any kind EVER again. This includes Lies of omission, white lies, and plain old regular lies to keep your ass out of trouble.

Lastly - The way you help your BS heal is to be transparent and support her in her own work but remember, you can't do the work for her. You cannot heal her. She has to heal herself. So if she asks you to leave then that's what you do. Even if you do end up ending your relationship, that doesn't mean life ends. It means you came to the relationship as a broken person and your brokenness led to breaking your M. But the greatest reward you can give her and yourself, even if you don't R together, it to do the work to heal you.
Heal yourself live a life of goodness and integrity. Teach your kids what it means to be a person of truth and honor.

(((And Strength)))

ChanceAtLife35 posted 3/15/2019 16:32 PM

Pippin..

Besides my BS, you took me to an emotional state that I didn't think was possible. Since I no longer emotionally shutdown, I was on the phone with my BS on my lunch break when she said you responded. I was reading it and I felt my knees buckle and I got slammed in the heart with a 50 foot wave of emotions. Wow. You practically told my story. My BS who is a genius in my opinion figured a lot about myself too based on my behavioral patterns, FOO, and her love of psychology. So your insight opened my chest up and stirred my emotions. My BS asked me several times why did I do this, why did I want to destroy her and the kids. I feel like you aided my answer. My whole life I wanted to be seen and heard but at the same time petrified to let anyone get close to me. I realized as I got older turning to emotionally unattached and unavailable people made it easy to get the many validations I needed.

But...deep down, I yearned for a healthy relationship, my own family, exploration, a good career, etc...My BS came into my life when I didn't see her coming and she was everything, she adored me. She fought mountains to save our relationship, and I put all my pain on her, dragging her through all my affairs. I am upset that I couldn't express my true unhappiness within myself and doing things the right way.

Today her heart is very heavy..I say this to myself and if you hear it too, for once I felt intense empathy for her, I felt emotions I had been avoiding. I am not bull crapping anymore. Why keep torturing myself and my family? The AP is just like me. I saw her for who she was and we were both using each other like insane addicts. What made me drove back home was the thought of my BS and 2 beautiful kids, how this would act would devastate them and impact them beyond words. I also feel like I am here for a reason and I didn't want to devastate my Mom and family. Plus, I love my BS so much, she doesn't deserve to be in this alone. I know I really don't want to take my life, just couldn't handle my emotions and fears.

What will keep me from doing this in the future? Rational and accurate thinking. Thinking how this will cause more damaged. Contact my BS or family immediately. I deserve a good life.

Pippin I see you keep a daily check in journal. I think that is a fantastic idea and it motivated me to do the same. I have heard and read many times the importance of journaling and putting your feelings on paper. This is about to be the most life altering experience for me. That night I went to the AP was because I thought that's all I was good for. Just violate myself and others. The AP won't let me down, she just like me kind of thing. But I stabbed my BS wound with this and I am very remorseful for my actions.

Tushnurse, I appreciate your response. I will definitely practice the mantra. I have neglected and hurt my children so within everything I got, I will help them too.

onlytime posted 3/15/2019 18:39 PM

My BS is the reason why i know everything about me. SHE GETS ALL THE CREDIT

My BS who is a genius in my opinion figured a lot about myself too based on my behavioral patterns, FOO, and her love of psychology.

 

It is NOT your BS's job to figure YOU out. That is something that you need to do for yourself. She is behaving in a very codependent manner right now, and whether it is intentional on your part or not, you are taking advantage of that. Stop it. Do your own research. Figure things out on your own.

Your first step should be making an appointment with a psychiatrist to get fully assessed. It is clear from this, and previous posts, that you have at least one or more mental health issues that need to be addressed. Given the description of your history (abusive/traumatic childhood) and of your behaviours (fear of abandonment, no sense of self, struggles with empathy, self-destructive impulsivity , self-loathing, self harm/suicidal ideation, as well as serious emotional dysregulation) it is a very distinct possibility that you suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and/or Complex-PTSD. If that is the case you will need intensive treatment with medication and/or specialized psychotherapy such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Schema Therapy, etc.

While you are waiting to get assessed you can start working on becoming more self-aware and more emotionally competent. I have a number of mod-approved links to resources in my profile that you may find helpful.