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Humiliated and Angry

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oldtruck posted 10/16/2019 19:54 PM

money well spent

make sure your FIL gets a copy

seekers posted 10/16/2019 20:58 PM

I plan on giving her a bullet point list rundown on every sordid thing we found.

Before you do this, please be safe and record/var all encounters from that point forward. BH's here have had their ww file false DV reports. You don't know how she will play this, but you do know betraying you is no big deal to her. Protect yourself. Your doing great btw, sorry you had to be here.

LtCdrLost posted 10/17/2019 09:36 AM

Right now I'm mad as hell and going to go to the gym before I fucking kill her

Yeah, don't kill her. You'd never get away with it. FWIW, I understand the sentiment 100%. I never actually planned to do it or took a single step in that direction, but there was a brief period I spent in an absolute black hole rage where it would've been very satisfying to kill both my XW and her AP. My cooler head almost immediately prevailed. Yours will too, Sir.

nekonamida posted 10/17/2019 10:24 AM

I too second recording the confrontation in some way. Who knows what she might do with her back against a wall like that. Good luck.

DoinBettr posted 10/17/2019 10:41 AM

Before you confront her have a safe place not at the house to go. Also, when you confront her, make it at a place where you can quickly escape or get witnesses. She may try to claim domestic violence. That has happened more times than you would think.

The other thing, you mentioned you would keep your word if your WW played ball. She lied every time she has a chance to come clean and fix this in anyway. You should consider exposing at least that she cheated if asked about why you divorced afterward.

Westway posted 10/17/2019 12:50 PM

Before you confront her have a safe place not at the house to go. Also, when you confront her, make it at a place where you can quickly escape or get witnesses. She may try to claim domestic violence. That has happened more times than you would think.

I'm actually thinking about waiting until I have the divorce petition drawn up and ready to serve. My thought is to give her the binder with the evidence along with the petition. Maybe I'll do it at a restaurant or some public venue where I have witnesses present. I don't plan on screaming at her or making a scene. I plan on treating her like a business client from this point onwards.

The other thing, you mentioned you would keep your word if your WW played ball. She lied every time she has a chance to come clean and fix this in anyway. You should consider exposing at least that she cheated if asked about why you divorced afterward.

How she reacts when I confront her with the evidence will determine how I move forward. Believe me, she DOES NOT want this information getting out. It would destroy her. Her parents would disinherit her and she would be shunned by her family.

No I am meeting with my attorney later today. I'm actually home now gathering up all my financials. The meeting with the PI is postponed to this weekend when I can have a lot of time to sit down with him and really winnow the information; and he has also run into a few snags that he wants to get worked out before we do meet.

Westway posted 10/17/2019 13:03 PM

Yeah, don't kill her. You'd never get away with it. FWIW, I understand the sentiment 100%. I never actually planned to do it or took a single step in that direction, but there was a brief period I spent in an absolute black hole rage where it would've been very satisfying to kill both my XW and her AP. My cooler head almost immediately prevailed. Yours will too, Sir.

I'm not enraged anymore. I'm actually in pain. I broke my left ring finger last night working out on the heavy bag. Kind of symbolic don't you think?

I took an uber to the E.R. and an uber back to the gym and then drove myself home. I didn't get home until 12:30 a.m. The WW was freaking out because I wasn't answering her calls, and then she freaked out even more when she saw my finger splint.

I just ignored her and went up to my bedroom. She followed me up and stood outside my door talking through the door. I told her I was alright and that I had nothing to say to her. I could hear her cursing and crying for several minutes afterwards.

She knows I've checked out. She knows divorce is coming, but she is scared as to HOW I'm going to divorce her. Fine with me. I'm going to let her hang out on the precipice for a while. Some payback for the shit she's put me through.

Tigersrule77 posted 10/17/2019 15:20 PM

Her reactions to this is more evidence you are making the right decision. As you stated, she is afraid of the D and how it will affect HER, not you. If you needed any more proof you are making the right decision, this is it.

Congratulations for being strong, making a plan and executing it. You have handled a horrible situation with great class. I hope everything goes smoothly for you.

NoOptTo posted 10/17/2019 15:45 PM

WW, when you meet with your lawyer, ask what is the possibility of recouping half of the 20k she spent on APs out of family funds are? Most state have an per vision for that. I hope you are tracking family funds now. Her spending. If you havent split your finances,it may be beneficial. Ask your lawyer about that. Start monitoring your credit rating. Once WW knows her lifestyle is coming to an end, she may go on a spending spree. Open new credit cards etc. In most states, both parties are responsible for paying family debt after D. So limit your exposure. As you said, you need to treat your D as a business transaction. Look out for your interests only. She tossed your M into the gutter. Got her kicks off with others. Let her figure out her path with the others.

Westway posted 10/17/2019 17:46 PM

So the meeting with my lawyer went well, I guess. She and I talked for about twenty minutes and then I went with the paralegal to give her all the financial info I collected. My lawyer says once my PI collects all his evidence, and after we get it all in order she will file for a no-fault divorce.

She will do what she can to make sure I pay as little alimony as possible, for as short a time as possible, or none at all if the court we end up in allows her to; but that I should not hold my breath. Alimony is not mandatory in my state, but the judge can still award it if my WW's lawyer asks for it, which he most likely will, regardless of how many men my WW banged.

By the way, when I told my lawyer who my P.I. was she was pleased. She has used this guy before in some past cases she's worked and knows him well. She says he's damned good at what he does.

Now I'm back at my office. I'm seriously thinking about just staying at a hotel tonight. I don't really want to be around the WW tonight, or anyone for that matter.

At least I have my appetite back. I feel like I'm on a track now and not spinning my wheels. I'm ordering out for some Chinese. Fuck it.

Marz posted 10/17/2019 17:55 PM

At least I have my appetite back. I feel like I'm on a track now and not spinning my wheels. I'm ordering out for some Chinese. Fuck it.

It's because you took control of the situation and know where you are.

OrdinaryDude posted 10/17/2019 20:12 PM

I wouldn’t give her any of your evidence, just let your lawyer use it to get you the best deal.

You don’t owe your WW any consideration, so keep her in the dark and feed her bullshit...kinda like a mushroom.

longsadstory1952 posted 10/17/2019 22:38 PM

And where is your daughter in all this as your wife stands outside your door and curses and cries? Are you helping her or do you think she is clueless?

She isn't I assure you. Deal with her now, not later.

cannotforgive posted 10/18/2019 04:54 AM

Westway, you are one of the very few BS's here who has shown strength from the beginning when hit with infidelity.

I hope when your divorce is over and you begin to heal, you will stay on SI and help other betrayed husbands with good advice.

Also, keep that folder safe, no need to give it to your WW.

This is your bargaining chip for the future should she start to play nasty.

[This message edited by cannotforgive at 5:28 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

Lalagirl posted 10/18/2019 07:06 AM

I'm seriously thinking about just staying at a hotel tonight.

I was going to suggest this, westway; you need a break from her face.

realitybites posted 10/18/2019 07:21 AM

Kudos to you in taking control of your life, well at least the part you CAN take control of.

It however does not make the swirling thoughts and the pain of all of this go away, so keep finding ways to take care of yourself. Working out is good (sorry about the broken finger) and getting out to spend some time with good friends or family members is also good. Take time to go and do the things you like to do.... it is not going to make this problem magically go away, but it will help support you as you take this walk OUT of infidelity.

It is SO crazy how far down the rabbit hole this all goes. So many BS's (raising my hand as I was one) just really had no idea how bad it was or were in denial, or just were so overwhelmed that they could only take 1 horrible issue at a time. Its like taking body blows from every direction and a BS can only take so much at a time, the trauma of finding out that the person you trusted the most is now not even close to being a safe partner and that we just did not know any of this takes ALOT of time to digest and accept. I just want to say that you were very brave, emotionally brave, to finally take a chance and hire a PI and get to the bottom of what you needed to find out.

I am so sorry for what you are going thru but you are working your way out now.

Dismayed2012 posted 10/18/2019 10:03 AM

There's nothing I can add to what others have said Westway. I just wanted you to know that I think you're going in the right direction. Take care of yourself.

Michigan posted 10/18/2019 10:26 AM

She will do what she can to make sure I pay as little alimony as possible, for as short a time as possible, or none at all if the court we end up in allows her to; but that I should not hold my breath. Alimony is not mandatory in my state, but the judge can still award it if my WW's lawyer asks for it, which he most likely will, regardless of how many men my WW banged

Westway

The $20,000 she used for her affairs can be used as credit towards alimony payments in most states.

[This message edited by Michigan at 10:28 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

DoinBettr posted 10/18/2019 11:24 AM

Keep it up Westway.
The only thing I would comment on is the broken finger. As a boxer I kind of laughed that you went to the ER. You know younger you would have straightened it and just taped it to the pinky.
Just kidding.

Anyways, take your daughter somewhere nice, like shopping. This is because she is seeing your WW break down and you are being way more absent than usual. Your WW kept you in the dark. Don't do that to your daughter. She deserves better.

Westway posted 10/18/2019 12:29 PM

And where is your daughter in all this as your wife stands outside your door and curses and cries? Are you helping her or do you think she is clueless?
She isn't I assure you. Deal with her now, not later.

I've talked to her. I've told her that her mom and I are having problems and that is all. I want to confront my WW first then figure out a way for the two of us to sit down with her and her sister and tell them what is going on.

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