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Humiliated and Angry

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Westway posted 10/18/2019 12:33 PM

It however does not make the swirling thoughts and the pain of all of this go away, so keep finding ways to take care of yourself. Working out is good (sorry about the broken finger) and getting out to spend some time with good friends or family members is also good. Take time to go and do the things you like to do.... it is not going to make this problem magically go away, but it will help support you as you take this walk OUT of infidelity.

I have been doing my best to take care of myself. I ate a bunch of Chinese last night and stayed at a hotel. It was a nice respite and I feel better. Even with the broken finger there are other exercises I can do to keep fit. I won't let my training lax.

It is SO crazy how far down the rabbit hole this all goes. So many BS's (raising my hand as I was one) just really had no idea how bad it was or were in denial, or just were so overwhelmed that they could only take 1 horrible issue at a time. Its like taking body blows from every direction and a BS can only take so much at a time, the trauma of finding out that the person you trusted the most is now not even close to being a safe partner and that we just did not know any of this takes ALOT of time to digest and accept. I just want to say that you were very brave, emotionally brave, to finally take a chance and hire a PI and get to the bottom of what you needed to find out.
I am so sorry for what you are going thru but you are working your way out now.

I'm not looking forward to meeting with the PI tomorrow. I've got the hotel booked through the weekend. I plan on having him meet me here and going through everything.

Having boxed for almost 40 years has given me a lot of fortitude. Tucking in and pushing forwards is the only way I know how to do things.

Westway posted 10/18/2019 12:40 PM

Keep it up Westway.
The only thing I would comment on is the broken finger. As a boxer I kind of laughed that you went to the ER. You know younger you would have straightened it and just taped it to the pinky.
Just kidding.

If I was twenty years younger I would have. You know, the gym manager told me? "That was a dumbass thing you did." he said. "I ought to kick you out of the club. You know better than that! If I ever see you work the bag like that again I'll throw your ass outta here! " He was right. My punches were wild and I just threw proper technique and stance to the wind. I was punching angry instead of correctly.

Anyways, take your daughter somewhere nice, like shopping. This is because she is seeing your WW break down and you are being way more absent than usual. Your WW kept you in the dark. Don't do that to your daughter. She deserves better.

Thanks. As a matter of fact I plan on taking her shopping with her best friend on Sunday. How did you know?

[This message edited by Westway at 12:41 PM, October 18th (Friday)]

Westway posted 10/18/2019 12:50 PM

The $20,000 she used for her affairs can be used as credit towards alimony payments in most states.

Yes. I told my attorney about it. Once I get the full workup from the PI I can give the credit card bills and receipts to her.

Buffer posted 10/18/2019 13:22 PM

Brother W,

Very sorry for what you are going through, I have no real advice but a suggestion and I said a little prayer for you.

With telling the children, her full history does need to be divulged.
WW could try to spin it off as a ONS, same with her family. Years and cost yes, race, names etc no.

Good luck

realitybites posted 10/19/2019 08:26 AM

I'm not looking forward to meeting with the PI tomorrow. I've got the hotel booked through the weekend. I plan on having him meet me here and going through everything.

This ^^^^ is totally understandable. I would ask, do you have a plan in place for AFTER you talk to the PI? Because this is something that even though you "think" you know, you just really don't know it all. And the worse thing you can do is just sit in that hotel room and go into some kind of deep trauma situation and be alone.

My only advice, no matter how painful it might be, it to have something planned that you can get out, take a long walk, find somewhere else to go to work off alot of stress, cuz the rabbit hole may go way farther then you think and you need to get mentally prepared.

However, it could be a moment of true clarity for you, like you needed to see it in black and white and have confirmation that what you are doing is the right thing for you. Some BS's feel better (even though it is painful to see) that they were actually right and they are not going crazy. The truth can hurt, but it can set you free.

But whatever you do.... just be careful and take care of you first. Whatever you will do down the road will take care of itself.

Bourbonhelps posted 10/21/2019 08:28 AM


I hope you had a great day with your daughter yesterday.

Westway posted 10/21/2019 09:16 AM

I hope you had a great day with your daughter yesterday.

Yeah it was nice. I took her shopping with her friend and then I took the girls to a movie. We stayed out all day. We didn't get home until 10:30 p.m. WW wasn't home. I don't know where she was and frankly didn't want to know. We have pretty much stopped communicating. She's ghosting me I guess, I dunno. I went to bed at 11:00 p.m. and I left early this morning. She was in her room asleep, but I didn't wake her to ask where she was or what time she got in. What is the point? I just went to work.

The final conclusions from the P.I. were both worse and not as bad as I had thought. I emailed the packet (450 pages of materials) to the paralegal this morning when I got in my office. I will be meeting the lawyer later this week. Anyways, I'm feeling despondent today. I feel like I got hit by a truck. It's really starting to sink in now that my marriage is over.

nekonamida posted 10/21/2019 09:57 AM

West, take good care of yourself. You're handling yourself amazingly. You will get through this.

fareast posted 10/21/2019 11:35 AM

You have been heard. You did your best. You can’t control the actions of others. Only yourself. Take care of yourself. Be the best Dad you can be, and be there for your dd. She will need one stable parent. Good luck.

paco2000 posted 10/21/2019 12:01 PM

I'm sorry to say but I think your marriage never started.
Wish you all the best

NoOptTo posted 10/21/2019 12:27 PM

If your finding your having problems concentrating at work, let your boss know that your having issues at home. It's up to you as to how much you want to divulge to your boss. Mine gave me some time off to deal with issues. You need to care for yourself and your daughter. We are here to help support you. Continue on your journey out of infidelity.

Buffer posted 10/21/2019 21:45 PM

One day at at time, you sound like you have your ducks in a row.

Westway posted 10/22/2019 08:56 AM

So my WW stormed into the guest room where I have been sleeping around 11:30 last night, and asked what I had told our daughters about our divorce. I was half asleep and I just sat there bleary eyed asking her "What the fuck are you talking about?"

She claims that our oldest daughter called her yesterday and asked what was going on with us. Her younger sister had called her and told her that mom and dad were fighting and that it was bad because we weren't speaking to one another.

"You can't go on treating me like I don't exist. It's hurting our daughter to see us like this!" she had the audacity to say.

"No, her mother running around behind her dad's back fucking other guys is what is hurting her." I said calmly and quietly.

She called me an asshole and I again calmly told her that she and I need to tell our daughter that we are divorcing and why. She freaked and said that I was wanting to make her look bad in front of our kids... and blah blah blah. Oh it went on and on. I don't need to tell all of you the bullshit details.

One thing she did take out of that exchange: I wasn't going to lie for her. I told her she needed to admit to the girls she had cheated on me and that is why we are divorcing. She's not going to spin it and try to create a narrative that I am the bad guy. That's it. She cheated and she just needs to own up to it. Not how many times and with who. So at some point this week we are going to tell our daughters we are splitting up.

I still have not shown my WW the evidence I have against her, and at this point I may not. I may hold that as my ace card if she refuses to play nice in the divorce. Oh and to make things even more enjoyable, somehow I tweaked my broke finger and I have to get it re-set. That's going to be fun.

Mene posted 10/22/2019 09:09 AM

She’s a really nasty person.

fareast posted 10/22/2019 09:13 AM

Rather than having to constantly worry and wonder it will help your children immensely to know what is going on, that you are divorcing, and why. It will be very painful for them to realize their family is splitting up at first, but it is better than not knowing. Good luck.

Westway posted 10/22/2019 09:21 AM

Mene said

She’s a really nasty person.

Well, with her affair partners yes. With me she's more like a petulant child throwing a tantrum.

DoinBettr posted 10/22/2019 09:51 AM

Her younger sister had called her and told her that mom and dad were fighting and that it was bad because we weren't speaking to one another.

Sorry dude. This is why I told you to tell her. She has known you 2 for 15 years. You think she can't tell something is blowing up.
Plus your WW is freaking out everywhere.
Hold your evidence for if she gets mean. That is a good move. You could tell your daughters you will tell them what they want after the divorce, but you and the WW need to work this out first.

Just tell them it was "REALLY BAD". They will try to get you to tell them details. Don't right now. Just let them know they can't help you get past this. They will try. Just like you tried at the beginning until you realized how bad it was. Hence, start with vague absolutes.
They will ask, they will try to fix. I bet your daughters ask you today. Especially if your wife isn't around so they can get the "unfiltered" truth. Don't lie to them. Just don't disclose. People hate when you lie and try to control things. You experienced that first hand.

survrus posted 10/22/2019 10:02 AM


You are not obligated to lie to your children about why their family was destroyed. Mommy had boyfiends, lots of them, she had earned the guilt.

The kids may need to know who the OMs are so they know who else played a part in destroying their family.

Your WW does not get to rehabilitate the OMs to the role of kindly step-father. Bank robbers do not become CEOs of the banks they rob.

The stigma of infidelity is much more deserved than property crimes which are often publicized.

Westway posted 10/22/2019 10:05 AM

I get what you guys are saying, but I want my WW to bet there when we tell the girls why we are divorcing. I want to be able to have some control over the conversation and I want to be there to defend myself if she tries to spin it that I am the bad guy in this.

I called my older daughter this morning and told her to come home this weekend because we, as a family, have something to discuss. She asked me "Are you and mom divorcing?" I told her "You need to drive home this weekend. That's all I'm telling you for now. Cancel whatever plans you have with your friends for the weekend and get down here."

I don't let my kids steer the ship.

[This message edited by Westway at 10:09 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]

Buster123 posted 10/22/2019 12:37 PM

You don't have to tell them the gory details, but you should tell them it was bad, that it has been going on for years and with multiple OMs, so to you that's a deal breaker and there's zero chance to R, that's it, make sure your WW knows you have irrefutable proof of her betrayals (you don't have to show it to her but make sure she knows it's huge), that could set the tone for the D proceedings and yes, use it as a bargaining chip for it, I think telling them together is a wise move so that she doesn't try to spin it (she might still try to blameshift).

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