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Humiliated and Angry

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Buffer posted 10/23/2019 20:32 PM

It is such a shit sandwich
When you tell both of your children and family, give them the basics, but include the duration, cost, amount of men. Donít tell them the race, names, phone numbers. They donít need to know that but deserve the truth pertaining to your pain.

WW has a large amount of time to minimise her responsibility in this and will gaslight the children and family against you, making you out to be the bad person in the relationship.

Good luck, I hope you find a spouse that truly can support you in your life.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Buffer at 8:33 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

fareast posted 10/23/2019 20:34 PM

You are doing very well Westway. What you thought was your life has been blown apart by your WWís betrayal. Itís a body blow but not a knockout punch. You will get through this to a better place. Just donít fight the emotions. Itís normal for such trauma. You need to grieve the loss of your M. The only way is to go through it, as painful as it is. Eat healthy, exercise, rely on friends and your family for IRL support. Looking ahead you are moving on with your ddís. Good luck.

Cooley2here posted 10/23/2019 20:39 PM

Do not tell your children. Period. Be succinct. ďYour mother was not true to me, or our marriage, so we are divorcing.Ē You need to have the info at the bank completely out of her reach. Keep it there. If her family gets involved tell them to ask her. Make sure you never have another conversation with her unless you record it. If your state wonít allow you to do it in secret tell her. You need to move swiftly and quietly out of this stinking mess. Leave with no debris behind. Your kids donít deserve it.
Revenge is not sweet. It is the Barney Fife syndrome, as if you put a bullet in the figurative gun and shoot your self in the foot. You just need to be done.

TheGuy123 posted 10/23/2019 20:56 PM

Your kids aren't going to relate to the money issue as much as they are going to relate to the self respect you have for your self in that you will not share her with her boyfriends.

That my friend is a valuable lesson you will teach those girls!

As sad as it is for the kids they will see 1st hand that unhealthy behaviors have consequences. Since it is their mothers unhealthy behavior it is not up to you to tell them how unhealthy their mom is....that's their moms job (wishful thinking) and if mom can't do that Ö.well then enough said about their mother and daughter relationship.

GreatWideOpen posted 10/23/2019 21:47 PM

I am sorry to add more weight to the load you are under, but be prepared for the possibility that your daughters knew something. With your WW taking off when you were out of town she must have been either pushing the girls to stay elsewhere or leaving them home without her. Either way, kids notice things, especially when those things happen over and over for years on end. They were witness to your WW getting revved up as soon as you were on your way out of town.

I will also say that even though your situation has brought the shit fast, hard, and heavy, your actions and reactions have been spot on and exactly what you need to get to the next chapter fully intact. Stay the course.

oldtruck posted 10/23/2019 21:51 PM

your mom was not true to me is not direct

direct is your mom was cheating on me with
_______________(insert OM name)

KingofNothing posted 10/23/2019 23:11 PM

I'm kind of a basket-case these days. The biggest concern for me right now is keeping my head together enough to keep my business going straight. I'm used to staying focused and not missing anything. Now I don't know if I can keep it all together. I've talked to my business partner. He's the only one outside my P.I., lawyer, priest and my WW who knows what is happening. He has agreed to pick up my slack and to check and recheck everything I do to keep me straight

West, I get that you are in a lot of pain and dealing with shock and depression. A lot of us have been there. Myself included. I keep reading your story and hoping I can contribute something helpful, because I really want you to come out of this intact. The thing is, I got nothing! Itís like youíre writing the manual about how to salvage yourself from disaster. You have been masterful in a shitty situation, and I appreciate you sharing with us, as your story will be inspiring for others. Not very helpful now, I know. Well, if we all knew then what we know now, I guess...

[This message edited by KingofNothing at 10:46 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

paco2000 posted 10/24/2019 04:35 AM

I have nothing to add, just wanted to wish you all the best.

TimSC posted 10/24/2019 09:29 AM

How did the family meeting go with your daughters?

Did your wife admit anything?

recovering2018 posted 10/24/2019 10:13 AM

OP, you are doing as well as I'd expect for being served such a sh1t sandwich.

It's great that your business partner can pick up your slack, allowing you to focus on your kids and your health.

Please continue to let us know how you're doing. I wish you and your kids the best.

Westway posted 10/24/2019 10:20 AM

Talked with the WW last night. She knows the older daughter is driving down from college this weekend and we are going to have the sit-down with them Staurday. I told her SHE needs to tell them why we are splitting up and I want her to tell me what she is going to say to them by tonight. I told her that she did not need to give them all the nasty details, just that she cheated on me and that she and I are not going to be able to overcome it.

She agreed halfheartedly, then asked if we could at least try to R. She said she still loves me more than anyone else and that the other men were just for sex. I came back and asked her how she could have sex with them and then come home and have sex with me. She then changed her story again and said that sex with me was always enjoyable, which was a direct opposite of what she told me the other night. She said "not true" and that she just needed something "more" than the sex we had.

At that point I got pissed off and said something to the effect of "Well I didn't marry you to share you with other men, and if one man isn't enough for you then you really have some serious fucking issues and you are most likely some kind of sex addict." She actually didn't get mad at that and said "Yes maybe I am, but I can get counseling for it if that will keep us together." You're missing the point," I answered. "I don't want to stay married to you. You have humiliated me in every way possible. There is no coming back from this. You tricked me into marrying you when you knew damn well I was not the type you wanted. The only thing I got out of this was our daughters. The rest was all a sham!"

Well then it blew up and just went back and forth and I eventually said "Fuck it! No more talking! We're telling the girls we're splitting up and that's it! I want to know by tomorrow what you are going to tell them." And I just went upstairs. And then I heard her crying down the hallway. Cry, cry, cry... women are so good at crying.

[This message edited by Westway at 10:21 AM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 10/24/2019 11:16 AM

Am I correct in thinking that your 15 YO was not in the house during the discussion?

Sounds like a rough conversation, but it needed to be done. Congratulations for standing up for yourself and your needs.

The time for your WW to have counseling for her issues was back BEFORE the multiple affairs. It's like she shot you full of holes and now wants to try to repair it, knowing you will never completely heal. In her mind, somehow, you will be the bad guy for this, as you aren't giving her a chance. The reality is SHE didn't give your M a chance, due to her lies. If she was trying to protect you and the M, she would have been honest with you and tried to look for solutions other than nailing any dude she saw that looked interested.

Westway posted 10/24/2019 11:20 AM

Tigersrule77

t's like she shot you full of holes and now wants to try to repair it, knowing you will never completely heal. In her mind, somehow, you will be the bad guy for this, as you aren't giving her a chance.

That is the narrative I think she will try to spin with her family. That is why I think I would rather tell her of the evidence I have before she starts doing so. Maybe I can curtail it and not have to go back and do damage control on my reputation.

Butforthegrace posted 10/24/2019 11:22 AM

My advice: Get in front of that conversation with your kids now, before she does. Dont wait for the weekend. Your fundamental mistake is that you are still playing by the rules, whereas she threw out the rule book years ago. Dont bring a knife to a gun fight.

Robert22205https posted 10/24/2019 12:53 PM

The tears are for herself (and to get your sympathy) not for the pain she caused you. She'll cry in front of your daughters too.

There are no rules here and you don't owe your wife anything.

Take the initiative and control the narrative by calling each daughter with a heads up so they are not ambushed. Long term affairs with multiple men supported by evidence from a PI.

Be prepared for: if you really loved her you'd give her another chance.

Inform your wife if she blame shifts in any way - you will release the details.

Buster123 posted 10/24/2019 13:13 PM

Before the disclosure to your girls, ou could tell your WW that you have a massive amount of irrefutable evidence (you don't have to show it to her, at least not all of it).

SnowToArmPits posted 10/24/2019 13:13 PM

At that point I got pissed off and said something to the effect of "Well I didn't marry you to share you with other men, and if one man isn't enough for you then you really have some serious fucking issues and you are most likely some kind of sex addict." She actually didn't get mad at that and said "Yes maybe I am, but I can get counseling for it if that will keep us together." You're missing the point," I answered. "I don't want to stay married to you. You have humiliated me in every way possible. There is no coming back from this. You tricked me into marrying you when you knew damn well I was not the type you wanted. The only thing I got out of this was our daughters. The rest was all a sham!"

That was well said from you when face to face with your cheating wife. Her response in the middle of that "Yes maybe I am, but I can get counseling for it if that will keep us together." ... boy oh boy write that down as THE example for cake-eating in the infidelity dictionary.

DoinBettr posted 10/24/2019 13:15 PM

then asked if we could at least try to R. She said she still loves me more than anyone else and that the other men were just for sex.

I warned you. Be ready next time.

that she just needed something "more" than the sex we had.

Tell her the "more" really hurt you. Stop talking about being mad. Talk about being hurt and sad. She can't argue with pain. She can argue with anger. My wife talked to her friends about my anger. I then switched to sad. Then her friends turned on her.

At that point I got pissed off and said something to the effect of "Well I didn't marry you to share you with other men, and if one man isn't enough for you then you really have some serious fucking issues and you are most likely some kind of sex addict."

Maybe send her an email to soften that and say you were mad. That you feel like she doesn't understand your pain and that divorce is you being nice and saving yourself.

She actually didn't get mad at that and said "Yes maybe I am, but I can get counseling for it if that will keep us together."

Drag her along on the hope. You gave it to someone else out here earlier. Tell her she can get counselling and try to fix herself. But there has been so many years you thought things were great. You would need to see proof and maybe you can get together after the divorce, but you need to escape. That if you were mad, you would fight.

I suggest this strategy because if everyone sees you hurt they will want to save you. They won't see her as the victim of your anger. You cry every night. Talk about that with your daughters and wife. Say the divorce has to happen so you can get away and heal. Then they will be trying to support you instead of stop you. Take this from me, the anger route is hard for people to support who haven't been cheated on.

Lastly, you need more support. Maybe find a friend you can talk to about things. You need a real life friend you can talk to. It helps a lot.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 1:51 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

Westway posted 10/24/2019 15:29 PM

Thank you all again for the support. I'm actually feeling better this afternoon. This morning was rough but I feel more positive right now.

I'm stopping by the parish on the way home to talk to my priest. He doesn't know about all these men. It is going to be interesting to see what he has to say.

Westway posted 10/24/2019 15:30 PM

Oh... have any of you ever had to have a broke finger re-set? Lots of fun.

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