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Humiliated and Angry

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Marz posted 10/24/2019 15:34 PM

I'm stopping by the parish on the way home to talk to my priest. He doesn't know about all these men. It is going to be interesting to see what he has to say.

Don't be surprised at what you get from what I've seen a lot of religious leaders don't know much about effectively handling infidelity.

Mene posted 10/24/2019 15:42 PM

Just fucking horrific.

I donít know what more to add. The details would have been excruciating for you when you first read them. Thereís no coming back from that level of infidelity.

The quicker you leave her, the better. Youíre still young. Find a woman that will appreciate the hard worker you are and loyal man. Iím sorry youíre going through this horrendous situation.

Not sure how you handle the fallout from her family. But they need to have those details, too. Theyíll blame you for the marriage breakup, no doubt, while they will concurrently go to town on her too. They will be embarrassed for themselves but your wife will have to handle that, not you.

Walk with your head held high. I completely understand your desire to seek revenge on the multiple OM. Like you, I know how to handle myself, and there would be no more satisfying thing than sending them to the ground with a punch. Donít do it as it is not worth the jail time. The best way to handle them is to tell their respective wives or partners.

[This message edited by Mene at 3:43 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

self-rescuer posted 10/24/2019 15:43 PM

You have been so strong and so focused and have accomplished so much in such a short amount of time.

All I want to contribute is a reminder that you are just a little more then a month out from d-day. As many here will attest - at that point in the process most of us were still curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom floor or sitting in our cars sobbing uncontrollably in our office parking lots or projectile vomiting. This shit is brutal. It is trauma served by our most beloved. It is agony sprinkled with confusion and the deepest sorrow.

Please be merciful with yourself during this time. Please know that you are entitled to the grief and pain that you feel. Declare that you are a mess unapologetically. You are deserving of great kindness and support now. You are one of the most focused and deliberate posters I have ever read. Just remember to be gentle with yourself.

You're doing so well and great peace and joy await on the other side.

rugswept posted 10/24/2019 15:45 PM

West...
You've got it all right.
This is Game, Set, Match.... Over.
The rest of the tournament is hereby cancelled.
Enough.

This WW of yours needs you to support her so she can go out and bang her OM of choice, of the month.

This whole thing is disgusting.
Please make sure your daughters fully understand that these were extreme infidelities over a long period of time. You don't want to leave them with the idea that this was some kind of one off.

Good Luck.

And yes, the way you are handling this should become a case example in how to deal with serial cheaters.

Westway posted 10/24/2019 16:15 PM

Ha! Her older brother just texted me "What the hell is going on between you and M_____ bro?"

Sanibelredfish posted 10/24/2019 16:37 PM

I think you should reply at a high level (she fucked up), and let him know you are having a family meeting with your girls this weekend to discuss it. They (la famiglia) will be looped in as the situation unfolds. Donít let her spin this to them without you setting a stake in the ground to keep her from going off the rails. Just my two cents.

Marz posted 10/24/2019 16:52 PM

"I don't like her boyfriends". is good

[This message edited by Marz at 4:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

KatyaCA posted 10/24/2019 17:15 PM

It seems she needed a beard and you ticked all the right boxes. She married you under false pretenses. I am so sorry she made you live under her lie because she didn't have the courage to stand up and live her life authentically.

I know that it is hard this early on. You have received a lot of great advice and despite how it may feel you are doing a fantastic job of handling all this so far.

I was a child of a cheater. Two cheaters actually. The truth is how your children know they can trust and believe in you. Please be the parent they can trust and believe in. They need one parent with honor, integrity and honesty. That doesn't mean you have to give them all the gory details but letting them know their mother has been cheating for years with multiple partners and doesn't love you so you need to divorce is the best gift you can give them in all this sordid mess.

You should tell the kids why you are divorcing, not her. She can't be trusted to be honest. She's all about damage control and image management. She will approach the telling with those two things in mind. Being honest with them in an age appropriate way is what they need. She can't give them what they need, to her, her needs are paramount at the expense of all of you.

[This message edited by KatyaCA at 5:19 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

faithfulman posted 10/24/2019 17:19 PM

Posted by Westway:

Ha! Her older brother just texted me "What the hell is going on between you and M_____ bro?"

"Private business"

or

"more like what's going on with her"

or

"You mean what's going on with her and 12 ..."

or

Probably better not to reply yet

[This message edited by faithfulman at 5:19 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

KatyaCA posted 10/24/2019 17:21 PM

Ha! Her older brother just texted me "What the hell is going on between you and M_____ bro?"

I'd text him back after you've told the kids and tell him that the kids had to be told first and then lay out the high level truth to him as well.

I found out she's been cheating on me for years. We are getting a divorce. full stop

Westway posted 10/24/2019 17:48 PM

I just texted back that we are going through some heavy stuff right now and that I would get back with him Monday. He's the oldest kid. He and my WW are not close, but because he will one day take over as Pater Familia after the old man dies, he thinks he needs to act like he gives a shit.

[This message edited by Westway at 5:49 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

KingofNothing posted 10/24/2019 19:08 PM

She agreed halfheartedly, then asked if we could at least try to R. She said she still loves me more than anyone else and that the other men were just for sex

A lot of people can get mad by symbiosis reading these stories, remembering what they have gone through in their own lives. For me itís that phrase... ď it was just sexĒ. Itís like tossing every intimate moment you ever had with your spouse in the trash. It was never just sex for me.

Yes, Iíve had a finger reset. Old rugby 🏉 player here.

20yrsagoBS posted 10/24/2019 22:19 PM

Our priests simply told me Adultery is an acceptable reason to divorce- per the Catholic Church. He said not consummating the marriage, or adultery, were the only two reasons the church condones divorce for

West Way? Youíre covered, RUN!

Be free of this crap!

AFL1000 posted 10/25/2019 03:16 AM

You're doing great Westway. I am so very impressed with the way you are handling this shitstorm.

If your STBXW does not do the right thing in informing your girls that it's her long-term cheating lifestyle that has forced you to end the marriage, I would have the detailed summary you gave us on p10 of your thread from 24 October (suitably edited to remove any references to SI and any other facts you want to keep under raps) ready for you can hand her with the comment "I know everything and I have all the evidence to support this document". Let her read it but make sure she doesn't get to keep it! This will really rock her world big time.

Strength to you Westway.

Buffer posted 10/25/2019 04:46 AM

As above^^^

Bufer

rugswept posted 10/25/2019 07:03 AM

Warning: NEVER post anything literal from SI.

For example... google ... "34 text messages to OM#2"

"34 text messages to OM#2" was from page 10 of west's post

It will bring you DIRECTLY to this entire thread.

Trdd posted 10/25/2019 07:31 AM

I was thinking similarly to AFL1000. My thoughts were more along the lines of what is the downside to letting WW know ahead of time that you know about 10 posom and have evidence to prove it? Or does she already know you know the depth of her betrayal?

The upside is it would likely shape her behavior favorably when you ask for something from her... like telling the kids. I suppose it could send her more into attack mode as a downside? But I would think she would realize you have the winning hand. Does your lawyer see a reason to not reveal at least some of your knowledge at this point?

People here often say don't reveal your sources or information. But there is a time and place to use what you have to make the D process easier with less resistance. This step of telling the kids may be that moment.

DoinBettr posted 10/25/2019 09:21 AM

he thinks he needs to act like he gives a shit.

I will say, don't underestimate the ability for people to understand you are hurt. It will help you if you stay open to outside people helping you. Especially if you go the pain route not the anger route. Right now you are raw emotion. That is why I suggested finding a friend. You need it.

As far as the finger. Yeah, you have heard me pipe in. Re-setting isn't that bad. Breath in the fire and let it wash over you.
Everyone here recommends working out because the pain and exhaustion really helps slow the anger. Keep that up.
You are doing ok. Good luck with the girls. Have a plan encase things go crappy.

Westway posted 10/25/2019 14:19 PM

Our priests simply told me Adultery is an acceptable reason to divorce- per the Catholic Church. He said not consummating the marriage, or adultery, were the only two reasons the church condones divorce for
West Way? Youíre covered, RUN!
Be free of this crap!

My priest was pretty horrified when I shared what my WW had done. He's getting me the paperwork to begin the annulment process. The legal divorce has to go through first. Then the legal divorce decree is submitted along with the other paperwork and a tribunal is scheduled. That's about all I know now.

Marz posted 10/25/2019 14:27 PM

His wayward knows she cheated. She's not stupid and knows he's got the goods on her. Or at least some.

I wouldn't waste my time on confronting unless the mediation got ugly.

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