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Humiliated and Angry

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DoinBettr posted 11/5/2019 11:10 AM

Ok, you may need to grease yourself up. Divorces are never nice or clean!
I bet your wife goes for half you company (I think you said you and another guy own it) because you established it while you 2 were married. She is entitled to half. So, why not try to figure out a way to leverage what she owes you, to reduce what you have to pay out? Just an option.
Reconsider the emancipation thing. I am telling you it puts the ball in your daughter's court. You will never get full custody. Your WW is not a heroin addict. My buddy's ex was one and she still got 50/50 until she got busted. Then she got 20/80 with supervised visits. He eventually got 100% custody after 3 years of her messing up rehab/going to prison because addiction is seen as a disease so it is hard to consider it in custody hearings. Any good lawyer she gets will argue it is like taking away a kid from a cancer riddled mother. (Yeah, you won't win.) Also, the kids had to be taken away to a foster home during evaluation, not back to the father because they can't violate the custody order.
Getting a parent declared unfit is really traumatic and will for sure turn your daughter on you. I wouldn't recommend it.
Focus on relaxing and seeing that getting her out of your life is why you are paying the lawyer. See establishing a good relationship with your daughter as paramount so she trusts you and keeps you in the know.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 9:09 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Marz posted 11/5/2019 12:53 PM

Adultery or not it's normally a 50/50 split on assets.

Marz posted 11/5/2019 12:54 PM


Duplicate

[This message edited by Marz at 12:54 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Westway posted 11/5/2019 17:10 PM

The Petition says she waves any rights to a share of my company (LLC actually). If she refuses, and goes after my company, the P.I. binder gets sent to her family and friends. But I will hold that close to my chest for now.

Marz posted 11/5/2019 17:50 PM

Her family isn't stupid. They will be in her ear.

Get everything you can get off him. Take him to the cleaners, etc.

Don't be surprised no matter what evidence you have. It'll probably be you against the whole clan.

Robert22205https posted 11/6/2019 08:32 AM

She pretty much has to take whatever deal you offer.

I'll throw out some observations and alternatives for you to consider (a reply isn't necessary)- but it's entirely your decision.

First, at a minimum she's selfish and self centered. Whatever you offer her will not be appreciated as fair, either by her - or her family.

You still love her and are to some extent still playing the role of her husband/protector. That makes you vulnerable to being too generous.

There's no win here and (whatever you offer) you will forever be labeled as greedy/mean/spiteful. So focus on protecting yourself and your kids.

Re-frame this as money that goes to your wife DOES NOT go to the benefit of your kids. For example, there's more money to help your kids get started after college (no college debt or a down payment on a house).

IMO a clean break that minimizes future contact or monthly payments is the best strategy.

Consider a single cash payment vs ongoing monthly spouse support payments.

With respect to the house, if she can't raise the money, consider having her agree to you putting a lien w/interest on the title (you get paid when it's sold). And consider a lien for the full amount you invested. Why? to make sure your share ultimately goes to benefit your kids.

If you go with monthly payments, where does the $1,500 come from? You were giving her $1,000 a month to spend on herself (which she could have saved vs spending on sex).

If she can't afford to live in the house she should sell it.



DoinBettr posted 11/6/2019 09:16 AM

If she refuses, and goes after my company, the P.I. binder gets sent to her family and friends.

I don't think this is going to work out like you think it will. Reality will settle in that she needs cash and she might trade in her reputation for the money. You don't know her.
Come up with a back-up back-up plan. A plan C, D, and F. Also, don't go 100% custody, that will force the courts to do a lot of work which gives her time to pull apart and slowly expose what's in the binder.
Heads up, divorce ruling can be revisited. That is why everyone is saying go lump sums on your side if you can. That way she can't have a cost of living or inflation adjustment hearing later. AKA - More lawyer fees.

Marz posted 11/6/2019 10:40 AM

She pretty much has to take whatever deal you offer.

Nope.

Westway posted 11/6/2019 15:05 PM

Buzzkills. My goal is to be aggressive. I don't see where any BH ever got out of a divorce alive unless he was a shark up front.

Tigersrule77 posted 11/6/2019 15:07 PM

My goal is to be aggressive. I don't see where any BH ever got out of a divorce alive unless he was a shark up front.

That made me chuckle.

You know your STBXWW best and are able to make the best assessment on starting negotiations. It doesn't hurt to start there. It's much easier to go down than it is to negotiate up.

DoinBettr posted 11/6/2019 16:58 PM

Not trying to rain on your parade, simply telling you to have a fall back plan. Plus that binder only works ONCE. It is a tough thing to gauge what she will do, ask for money or sacrifice face and APs.
"No plan survives first contact with the enemy."
Also, "Only a fool underestimates his enemies. A wise man expects the most of his enemies and sleeps easily after toppling them."
Just some good things to put in your belt. If she comes for your company could you make a massive purchase to embroil the company in debt? (Buy some assets or a competitor.) It is a dirty move, but lets you set the support levels.
Be ready for worst case scenario. What if she calls the reveal and forces you to show the binder? Then she asks for half your share of the company. What is your way of managing that situation? You probably don't have liquid cash at that level.
Go read about ATG100. He thought his WW would back down and he got hit in the jewels hard.
Be ready. Have a strategy if things go south.

As a boxer haven't you ever fought someone better than you and lost. It teaches you so much. You start guarding yourself more, trying things you never would while you were winning. You focus on footwork and endurance. Be ready for that change of strategy.

faithfulman posted 11/6/2019 20:29 PM

I would do some research on the binder-dudes to see what kind of people they are.

Chances are there are a couple of unsavory characters.

Westway posted 11/7/2019 10:39 AM

I would do some research on the binder-dudes to see what kind of people they are.
Chances are there are a couple of unsavory characters.

Once my P.I. gets back from some time off overseas he's going to do background checks on the men he identified. That will be another $2k to add to the bill.

Buster123 posted 11/7/2019 10:58 AM

Once my P.I. gets back from some time off overseas he's going to do background checks on the men he identified. That will be another $2k to add to the bill.

Talk to your attorney to see if this would make any difference in the custody battle before you spend that money, she's not living with any of them and based on what you've told us about her family being racist, it sounds that she never will. If you just want to know and are willing to spend the cash just for that, then go for it.

KingofNothing posted 11/7/2019 16:04 PM

Talk to your attorney to see if this would make any difference in the custody battle before you spend that money, she's not living with any of them and based on what you've told us about her family being racist, it sounds that she never will. If you just want to know and are willing to spend the cash just for that, then go for it.

On the other hand, once they go from "Unnamed Man #1 for HOtel stay 3" to "Joe Dokes, 1234 Franklin street, Detroit, MI" That might make for far more compelling evidence, should it get to court.

Buster123 posted 11/7/2019 20:38 PM

In many places, infidelity and/or adultery don't have much if at all impact on custody battles during D or anything else for that matter, I'm not sure how it is in the UK and other places but that's why I said for him to run it by his attorney just to make sure before he spends an extra 2k, unless he doesn't mind paying for it just simply to know more about the OMs.

faithfulman posted 11/7/2019 21:35 PM

Talk to your attorney to see if this would make any difference in the custody battle before you spend that money, she's not living with any of them and based on what you've told us about her family being racist, it sounds that she never will. If you just want to know and are willing to spend the cash just for that, then go for it.

It's not just the divorce settlement, it's knowing what type of people his wife could be exposing his daughter to.

totallydumb posted 11/7/2019 23:02 PM

unfortunately the reality is, you only control you.

We as Bs can claim the world, but in reality, it only makes out to be what is fair.

Protect yourself and your children. Try to minimize your monthly payments to your cheater, other than that, move on and enjoy life cheater free.

Westway posted 11/8/2019 09:58 AM

Thanks everyone. You have given me lots to think about.

The D petition is done. My attorney says I should allow them to serve my WW, instead of letting me do it. Should I let my WW know she will be getting served next week, or just let her get the shock and surprise of it? It won't matter much. She's not speaking to me and we are mostly avoiding each other. We only text regarding daily household chores, errands, etc. I come home each night and the WW will have dinner cooked and my daughter and I eat together. Sometimes she eats with us but lately she has just been staying sequestered in her bedroom at night. It's miserable. I cannot wait to move out of this house. It has become like a tomb.

I have been packing up my personal belongings and cleaning out the room that I have used as an office. Each night I stumble on old photos I packed away of my WW and I on European vacations, holidays, trips with our daughters when they were kids, etc. It hits me hard knowing that the family I thought I knew was really a smokescreen. Sometimes I have to shut the door so my daughter and WW won't hear me crying. I've been crying a lot... more now than I ever have in my life.

My daughter has been crying a lot too, especially when she sees the boxes of my stuff piling up. I have told her I will be moving to a new place very soon, and she has needed lots of hugs and love from me. Her mom is pretty much shut down emotionally. It takes every ounce of control I have not to go off on my WW whenever she walks into a room where I am at.

The lawyer told me she will do everything she can to protect my company's interests and has told me much of the same things many of you have said. She said not to trust to hope that the adultery will sway the judge much on how the community property is divided. I'm hoping she will be able to work out a fair deal with whoever my WW's dad hires for her, since she cannot afford an attorney on her own. This is such a nightmare. And even after all this is over, I still have a Church annulment to go through.

Marz posted 11/8/2019 10:45 AM

If it were me I would not surprise her. It's going to be volatile enough as it is.

Maybe give her the option to pick them up or be served.

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