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Humiliated and Angry

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nekonamida posted 12/13/2019 09:14 AM

Well, that sucks but I suppose it's for the greater good. Who knows. Maybe your STBXWW will want to settle and get this over with quickly.

DoinBettr posted 12/13/2019 09:27 AM

No fraternizing in a no-fault divorce post separation. This is like the counselor thing. Remember the lawyer works for you, not the other way around. Be sure to ask "Why" sometimes.
I also think the binder is going to get you less than you think. Don't push for negligence. That gets CPA involved and they will flip part of this on you. Asking why you weren't there and other stupid questions. Meanwhile your daughter will be taken away while there is an open investigation.
Not a good process.
Also, going after the money she spent on booty calls is legally spent. You used hotels and bought yourself lunch sometimes. The fact that she was getting bent over by a fat thug has nothing to do with it legally. Divorces are more black and white now.
I would say go with a complete 50/50 split in assets across the board (Include the whole value of the house and your retirement/business). Then have that number as your last fall back number including lawyer fees. This will be so you know what you are getting into whenever you are asked to make a negotiation in a room in 2 hours. That is most likely where you are headed with mediation.
Go ask on the divorce forum. They will give you some great legal advice. How many affairs end in contested divorce? Oh yeah, most.

[This message edited by DoinBettr at 10:13 AM, December 13th (Friday)]

Thumos posted 12/13/2019 14:35 PM

I see women and men in separation agreements biding their divorce calendar egg-timer who are involved in other relationships all the time. This seems to have little or no bearing on a divorce settlement in many of the situations I'm aware of.

Enforcing celibacy during this extended time when all parties have agreed to a formal separation and a divorce decree is in the works seems extreme and unreasonable and I'd doubt that a court would hold that up.

Might be good to get a second or third opinion. But also don't buck your divorce lawyer on it until you do.

EDIT: I'm completely naÔve about the divorce process so take what I'm saying with a huge grain (or boulder) of salt. I've never been divorced and to this day I haven't yet consulted an attorney about my options.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:36 PM, December 13th (Friday)]

Westway posted 12/15/2019 10:31 AM

Haven't heard back from the lawyer.

My WW seems to be acting more erratic now that the time for my moving out looms closer. She was crying last night behind the door of her bedroom. Something is going on with her. I was washing my dishes last night and I felt someone looking at me. I turned around and saw my WW standing in the living room staring at me with puffy eyes. I started to ask her what she wanted and she just turned around and walked off. Then this morning she smiled at me on her way out the door to go to mass with her mom. Weird.

I'm actually feeling better about myself. I was hanging out with a buddy of mine this past Friday night and he reminded me that I've gone through far worse things in my life: speech impediments as a child, coping with my dyslexia, nearly dying in a car crash and spending a week in the hospital when I was seventeen, etc. I've conquered many setbacks in my life and he reminded me that I have the strength to get through this. So that made me feel a lot better. Gave me some hope. The 180 has helped a lot.

I went Christmas shopping yesterday and in the process I got myself a haircut and bought over $700 in new clothes. There was a very attractive sales lady at the store, and she spent a couple hours helping me mix and match some nice clothes. I also bought a new sports jacket and two pairs of really nice shoes. I have never spent so much money on clothes at once, because I always tried to be conservative and practical during my marriage. Before I married I was very conscientious about how I looked, but over the years I went vanilla with my clothing choices. So I'm looking forward to going out in public looking nicer and more up with the times.

pearlamici posted 12/15/2019 11:11 AM

Just curious - did your STBXW always go to mass or is this a new thing? I ask because it was one of the ironies I noticed about my FWH infidelity partner - she always wore a cross around her neck, went to church weekly and lit candles for my husband As a former catholic I just wonder what she sat there and thought of for an hour a week.

ramius posted 12/15/2019 19:01 PM

My WW seems to be acting more erratic now that the time for my moving out looms closer. She was crying last night behind the door of her bedroom. Something is going on with her. I was washing my dishes last night and I felt someone looking at me. I turned around and saw my WW standing in the living room staring at me with puffy eyes. I started to ask her what she wanted and she just turned around and walked off. Then this morning she smiled at me on her way out the door to go to mass with her mom. Weird

Normally I would say watch for any suicidal tendencies. But from what you have posted she loves herself too much.

So my guess is that the reality of being a divorced, single mom is starting to hit her. She was loving the old arrangement. She bangs her side dudes. You foot the bill. She could wear you and the kids as a camouflage, portraying herself as a normal person.

Now its changing. Sure she will have more freedom. She can hire a babysitter, or wait until the kids go to your place, and then go party. But what about after? Given her family, she can't very well marry a black guy. And high quality men are not clamoring to wife up single moms with a history of cheating.

So where as you future is looking brighter, hers is not. And perhaps it is this realization that is behind her recent behavior.

Or maybe I am over analyzing it and she is just a spoiled princess and is pouting.

RocketRaccoon posted 12/16/2019 00:07 AM

She was crying last night behind the door of her bedroom.

Are you sure this was not a recording played over a good hifi system? Some of the Dolby SurroundSound shit is really good! *just joking*

On a more serious note:
What ramius wrote

Normally I would say watch for any suicidal tendencies.

I would not discard this notion just yet, because
I felt someone looking at me. I turned around and saw my WW standing in the living room staring at me with puffy eyes. I started to ask her what she wanted and she just turned around and walked off. Then this morning she smiled at me on her way out the door to go to mass with her mom.

The way I 'read' this, is that she may have finally come into the scary phase of 'acceptance' for potential suicide cases. This is when they accept that they are ready to take that next step. She could be saying her 'goodbyes' (in her mind) and making peace with herself (going to mass).

I may be way off base (I hope that I am), but it might be worth keeping a lookout....

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 12:07 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

Westway posted 12/16/2019 09:04 AM

Just curious - did your STBXW always go to mass or is this a new thing? I ask because it was one of the ironies I noticed about my FWH infidelity partner - she always wore a cross around her neck, went to church weekly and lit candles for my husband As a former catholic I just wonder what she sat there and thought of for an hour a week.

No she just recently started going after word got out about her whoring. Devout Catholic women are the worst cheaters I know.

Westway posted 12/16/2019 09:05 AM

I may be way off base (I hope that I am), but it might be worth keeping a lookout....

Why? Why should I care?

Skadu posted 12/16/2019 09:24 AM

Why? Why should I care?

This is the way.

balina posted 12/16/2019 09:48 AM

Westway, I wish I could hug you tightly! I have read your story and I cannot believe what youíve been through. I wonder if youíre super handsome, you sound like you are. Sometimes when you talk about your WW it sounds like u still love her and that if she begged you to stay, you would? If she kisses your feet literally? When you talk about her puffy eyes, sounds like you still care about her. A lot. Anyways... remain strong. Iím sure youíre going to be OK and dates will be abundant! Merry Christmas!

beenthereinco posted 12/16/2019 10:01 AM

Why? Why should I care?

Mostly because you need to worry about the effect of a suicide on your children.

Westway posted 12/16/2019 10:35 AM

beenthereinco

Mostly because you need to worry about the effect of a suicide on your children.

I almost think it would be better if she did die. But that's my anger talking. It is only a matter of time before my daughters ask me to tell them the full extent of her betrayal, and when I do tell them then she might as well have died to them. I know my older daughter will despise her if she finds out tho whole truth. Because, even though I'm not planning on full disclosure, I won't lie for her if my daughters ask me.


Balina

Westway, I wish I could hug you tightly! I have read your story and I cannot believe what youíve been through. I wonder if youíre super handsome, you sound like you are. Sometimes when you talk about your WW it sounds like u still love her and that if she begged you to stay, you would? If she kisses your feet literally? When you talk about her puffy eyes, sounds like you still care about her. A lot. Anyways... remain strong. Iím sure youíre going to be OK and dates will be abundant! Merry Christmas!

I'm Irish-American with fair, ruddy skin and reddish hair. I'm not handsome. I have a fit, strong body and I'm cut pretty good because I box and work out every morning. But my face shows the wear and tear of three years of semi-pro boxing that I did in my twenties. I have a crooked nose and cauliflower ears.

She has already begged me not to divorce her, but only with the condition that we have an open marriage. She wants to have sex with black men on the side, and says I can have mistresses if I want. No deal. I'm not into that stuff. So we are moving forwards with D.

Westway posted 12/16/2019 10:35 AM

And I know that her statements that she would allow me all the side action I want are a total b.s. lie. She is the most selfish and jealous person I know. She would freakin' flip her gourd if she found out I was doing another woman.

[This message edited by Westway at 10:48 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

Westway posted 12/16/2019 10:35 AM

Deleted

[This message edited by Westway at 10:48 AM, December 16th (Monday)]

balina posted 12/16/2019 11:23 AM

Please do not self-deprecate. If to me you sound handsome, then you sound handsome. I'd still want to hug you tightly, no matter what you look like. 29 pages of posts where you show your heart and soul and after all this debacle you have remained a good man and most of all, a good father. I cannot believe your WW would suggest that, there aren't enough condoms in the world or hand sanitizer! .
On another note, didn't you see a bit of this while dating her? There must have been hints? Did you have a black friend or someone else that you could read her attraction? Doesn't matter anymore I guess. And please do not speak negatively about yourself! scars can be so sexy! when you speak negatively "cauliflower ears" ppl will focus on that. I prefer to focus on your courage, amazing will and determination. See how it works?

Thumos posted 12/16/2019 11:39 AM

Sometimes when you talk about your WW it sounds like u still love her and that if she begged you to stay, you would? If she kisses your feet literally? When you talk about her puffy eyes, sounds like you still care about her. A lot.

You can love someone and realize they are deeply disordered and want nothing to do with them. I'm staying with my WW for now, and she had one AP with "one time" sex in our home. Honestly, it's a dealbreaker right then and there, but I'm trying to figure some things out and I don't want to be a part-time parent . If my WW had stepped out and had been banging a bunch of random dudes and then tried to convince to be in an open marriage in which she would continue to do this stuff, I would not still be around. Keep on keepin' on Westway.

Westway posted 12/16/2019 12:37 PM

Please do not self-deprecate. If to me you sound handsome, then you sound handsome. I'd still want to hug you tightly, no matter what you look like. 29 pages of posts where you show your heart and soul and after all this debacle you have remained a good man and most of all, a good father. I cannot believe your WW would suggest that, there aren't enough condoms in the world or hand sanitizer! .
On another note, didn't you see a bit of this while dating her? There must have been hints? Did you have a black friend or someone else that you could read her attraction? Doesn't matter anymore I guess. And please do not speak negatively about yourself! scars can be so sexy! when you speak negatively "cauliflower ears" ppl will focus on that. I prefer to focus on your courage, amazing will and determination. See how it works?

Well thanks. But I'm being objective. I do have women all the time hitting on me. There is one old high school friend of mine who has given me an open invitation for a FWB relationship if I desire it. She's better looking than my WW without the psychosis, so after the D I may take her up on the offer.

As for seeing this when we were dating? Nope. She hid her real yearnings from me well. But then again I trusted her. I trusted her so much I wasn't looking for the warning signs. I do have black buddies from high school who I occasionally hang out with, but she is never around when I am with them. Truth is, my WW and I run in separate circles when it comes to our friends. We actually have no couples who we are common friends with. Weird I know, but we always kept our social lives somewhat separate, and I can see now that was one big mistake I made. I should have been paying more attention to who she was associating with.

RocketRaccoon posted 12/17/2019 00:28 AM

Apologies for the late reply. Time difference.

Why? Why should I care?

As beenthereinco posted, it is for your children.

We know you are in pain, and the anger is driving you now. Not a bad thing, but you will need to let up a bit, so that you can think a bit better.

Yes, ultimately, why should you care? It is perfectly correct answer if you were on your own. The mental damage that can happen to your kids is real, and it would be prudent to think about the consequences if she executes the ultimate selfish act of suicide.

Continue with the D-train, that is the correct path in your case. Lash out all your want at your WW, but I would gently caution you to be mindful of the collateral damage (kids).

You are doing well, considering the circumstances, and I wish you will find Peace and Happiness in your near future.

Westway posted 12/17/2019 12:10 PM

My WW won't kill herself. She has a shot at freedom now. There are too many dicks to suck out there. And she's a coward to boot. I'm not worried about her offing herself. It's me who she wants to off if she could find a way to do it short of murder. She already murdered my heart and soul, so my body is small change. I get it, I accept it.

If she were here she would be screaming that I am lying and being overly dramatic; but not two years ago I had a severe panic attack in my office (resulting from a separate issue to do with my business) and they thought I had a heart attack. She didn't even come to the E.R. Too much time and trouble. She just called and texted my office manager who was there with me to see how I was. I should have taken that episode as a sign of what she really thought of me.

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