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Humiliated and Angry

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Fenderguy posted 10/8/2019 06:14 AM

In light of this new information, I would like to retract my former statement. Staying for the kids may not be a good idea in your situation. My situation is a bit different, in that me and my WW get along just fine and are a great team (as far as roommates and co-parents go). My FIL is not a mob affiliate, heís just a lazy bum with no connections at all.

I agree with the others who say that you need to get out ahead of this situation, before it gets ahead of you. Consult an attorney to see what the best way forward is to protect yourself, your kids, your assets, etc. Try to find a way to not piss off the family!

JS84 posted 10/8/2019 08:24 AM

Trying to sit on that information for three years kind of seems like a gamble in your situation. Like you said earlier, your wife deserves an award for acting. You don't really know what she's capable of. She comes from a dangerous family and kind of sounds like a psychopath herself.

Blood is also thicker than water. While her family might be furious with her, maybe even disown her, if they're that concerned about appearances what would they do to keep you from talking?? What might she try to do herself if she's as scared shitless as you claim??

Also, as someone whose mother told them about their father's cheating when I was 17, I'd recommend telling your daughter while she's in high school and has a support system she's familiar with ie: friends, clubs, familiar areas, her own home, etc. Not while she's dealing with a new environment, lifestyle, school, trying to make new friends, etc. That will be a stressful enough period in her life without dropping the bomb of her parents divorcing on her.

When I found out about my Dad's cheating, it helped a lot having my high school friends around to fall back on as a distraction as well as being in my home. I wouldn't have had much of a support system in college. Not the first semester anyway.

I also agree that kids are smarter than you realize. Even before my mom told me about my dad, I wasn't shocked because things felt off. She was actually surprised by my lack of surprise, because she thought she and my Dad were acting normal. Same case with my sister. Turns out she thought something was going on too.

And if it means anything, I'm black myself and don't think you're being racist. I'm sure your wife married you for appearances sake and to keep the family pacified. There are women of various races and ethnic groups who do that all the time. Which in itself wouldn't be too bad, but there's a chance she's been doing this your whole marriage.

I think it's in yours and your daughter's best interest to deal with this sooner rather than sit on it for later. Despite the smoking gun you have, there are still a lot of things that can work against you if you give them enough time to do so.

[This message edited by JS84 at 8:31 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

DoinBettr posted 10/8/2019 09:55 AM

One last possible outcome from telling her family. They might tell you to just buck up and start getting your own affair.
Lots of these guys who think they are above everything, like the law, tend to do what they want in their marriages. They might try that approach. They may even try to arrange that. Just something to think about.
I know a very rich, stupid old money, family where that is what happened. The parents were in business together since the kids were married. She cheated on him, then the FIL and father arranged for the husband to get drunk and hired a few professionals. The wife is miserable now and the husband has a "girlfriend"/assistant, who is half his wife's age. Everybody just turns a blind eye to it even the wife because she is waiting for the wills to come out and the wife is on a heavy regiment of antidepressants.
Just one of the situations I know about.

Cooley2here posted 10/8/2019 10:14 AM

I am opposed to almost everyone on here. Your wife has an addiction. Itís an illness. It does not mean you need to stay married to her. You can get a divorce and never breathe a word of this. She has to fix herself. If her family comes on too strong tell them she might have some things she needs to share with them but that you will not. You can be as private as you want to be. Right now anger and pain are driving you but please pay attention to what the outcome will be if you start opening your mouth.
Get tested and ask for some help with sleep if you need it. Get a really great Relationship going with your daughter and just slowly, slowly move out of the family. Your children are your children and they will stay that way. All you ever need to share with them is that for some reason your mom does not love you the way she should and itís broken your heart and youíre moving on. Donít make anybody the bad guy. Your children will pay the price.

Westway posted 10/8/2019 11:05 AM

Thank you all for your support and advice. I can't tell you how much it means for me to be able to come here and tell my story and not be judged or labelled. I have really absorbed each and every post and I am thinking my way through the steps I want to take over the next few weeks.

Last night I was a bit charged up from reading here and I talked to my WW to se if there was any more information I could get out of her. I went with the calm approach. She did open up a bit but not the way I wanted her to. Basically after two hours of talking we established that she has never really been sexually satisfied with our marriage. Not because I am a bad lover, but because she does indeed have a thing for black men. She said she had been that way since she was 13 or 14 and that she always gravitated towards black boys instead of whites.

She claims she is attracted to me, but it is more out of all the years of affection than real physical desire. I asked her point blank if there was ever a time when she was really fully satisfied with me and our physical relationship and she flaty said no. She was crying when she was saying this, so I do think she gets the sense of how this has destroyed me. She even at one point told me that I could go out and find women to screw and that she would accept it. That really pissed me off. I then asked her, (while trying not to blow my top) if she could promise not to cheat on me any more and she said "no" she didn't think she could promise me that. She didn't ask outright for an open marriage but her intent was clear.

I told basically "well I didn't marry you to share you with other men. So if that is your feeling then I'm divorcing you." She just nodded and cried some more.

So there we are. I told her that if she was fair to me in the D I would not tell her family what she has been up to, but that if word got out from someone else that she had been running around behind my back, I wasn't going to lie for her either.

Westway posted 10/8/2019 11:08 AM

One last possible outcome from telling her family. They might tell you to just buck up and start getting your own affair.

It is funny you wrote this because I know for certain this will be her mom's attitude.

Westway posted 10/8/2019 11:16 AM

And if it means anything, I'm black myself and don't think you're being racist. I'm sure your wife married you for appearances sake and to keep the family pacified. There are women of various races and ethnic groups who do that all the time. Which in itself wouldn't be too bad, but there's a chance she's been doing this your whole marriage.

I appreciate that. And I think you are 100% correct about men and women having certain tastes in ethnicities. My WW likes the physique of black men. She also likes the way they talk and flirt with her.

And I know there are those here who wonder if it has to do with any misgivings I may have about my penis size, because in our porn-infested culture that always comes up. I can tell you all for certain that is not the case in my situation. I am very well-endowed. So much so that I have actually lost girlfriends because of it.

doggiediva posted 10/8/2019 11:40 AM

Iím going to go against the grain here...Do what you need to do with your life,whatís better moment by moment , for your physical/ mental health...It is individual, the time it takes each of us to gain clarity...I donít consider it to be a waste of time to continue to live in the same house with our kiddos, until we get the clarity to know which direction we are headed next..

In our progress towards R or D, itís baby step by step, up the ladder out of the pit, rung, by rung..

Life after infidelity, whether staying, or going, is going to be highly unpleasant for a while..Do not be ashamed of doing whatís right for you..

Whatever you decide, never has to be set in stone...You do have every right to change your mind the very next moment/ day..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:48 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]

josiep posted 10/8/2019 11:55 AM

You've just suffered a huge trauma and it will take awhile for you to begin to feel normal again. You might even want to consider counseling to help you navigate all these emotions because you do have a lot of big decisions to make and you'll be happier down the road if your emotions are healthy.

I'm totally an amateur so take this with a grain of whatever but I think your WW might be a sex addict. If she is, it's possible that treatment could help her (and by default, you).

I encourage you to pursue that angle because not too long ago, you both loved each other. A lot. Don't throw it all away until you've tried everything to make sure that's the right decision.

All the best to you.

Westway posted 10/8/2019 12:06 PM

You've just suffered a huge trauma and it will take awhile for you to begin to feel normal again. You might even want to consider counseling to help you navigate all these emotions because you do have a lot of big decisions to make and you'll be happier down the road if your emotions are healthy.
I'm totally an amateur so take this with a grain of whatever but I think your WW might be a sex addict. If she is, it's possible that treatment could help her (and by default, you).
I encourage you to pursue that angle because not too long ago, you both loved each other. A lot. Don't throw it all away until you've tried everything to make sure that's the right decision.
All the best to you.

Thank you. I have been talking to my priest about this and he has helped me tremendously. He actually advocates divorcing her because in his mind he believes her actions are tantamount to abuse.

As for my WW getting treatment for any sex addiction she has, it is no longer my concern. As of today I am doing a complete 180 and will be looking for the least destructive way to terminate our marriage.

Westway posted 10/8/2019 12:09 PM

I have to add one more thing and this is as of this morning I am actually feeling really good, because I have decided on a course of action. I'm feeling positive for the first time in a long while.

Yes I'm heartbroken because I will be losing a person who I thought was my best friend and partner. She wants to remain friends but I told her that will not be possible for me. I told her I would be cordial and polite to her but that that I will no longer be her confidant or rube.

My health is fine. I box and work out many times a week. My heart is good and I don't smoke. So on the health side I don't see how much more I can do than I have already been doing.

KingofNothing posted 10/8/2019 12:27 PM

Thank you. I have been talking to my priest about this and he has helped me tremendously. He actually advocates divorcing her because in his mind he believes her actions are tantamount to abuse.

A priest, advocating divorce? That's unusual-- would he support an annulment? They usually don't for infidelity. I'm glad he's on your side. He's right, it has been abusive. I'm glad you've decided and she's on board with this.

Did she admit to anything prior to the three guys in six months? Does she feel romantic attachment to them or is she just enjoying the sexual attention?

Well, it looks like you are going to come out on top of this thing if she doesn't twist it around before proceedings. I'm happy for you. You're a good guy, Westward, and a standup guy. The pain this thing caused will eventually fade and you will find your happiness.

Lalagirl posted 10/8/2019 12:48 PM

IMO, sheís not a SA; she wants what she canít have, what is forbidden, goes against momís and dadís so called ďprincipalsĒ to ďbuck the system.Ē She is incapable of being honest as she was raised in a family that practices deception. Iím so sorry that she was able to keep her mask on in front of you for so long.

You have a beautiful child from your union so your M was not for naught. I implore you to talk to and listen to your DD as you have been and keep teaching her your morals and values.

Keep posting and check out the D/S forum. There are lots of awesome folk in there who will provide sage advice and support as you move on with your life.

MamaDragon posted 10/8/2019 13:45 PM

Since you have decided to divorce her, I would strongly urge you to let folks know the why's -especially in light of her family affiliations. You don't want her to put her own spin on it and they come after you. You don't have to tell them it was with black men - just that she was not happy, she cheated and that is something you cannot forgive.

Also, see a lawyer or three ASAP. Pull your financials etc. If you plan on using adultery as the reason for divorce, whatever you do, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER. it makes your claim null and void.

Westway posted 10/8/2019 14:09 PM

Since you have decided to divorce her, I would strongly urge you to let folks know the why's -especially in light of her family affiliations. You don't want her to put her own spin on it and they come after you. You don't have to tell them it was with black men - just that she was not happy, she cheated and that is something you cannot forgive.
Also, see a lawyer or three ASAP. Pull your financials etc. If you plan on using adultery as the reason for divorce, whatever you do, DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER. it makes your claim null and void.

I'm putting together my plan. Yes I will not tell them about the race of the men. I was thinking of doing exactly what you are advocating: just telling the family simply that she cheated and I'm bowing out.

And it is interesting, but after our talk last night she asked me if I wanted to go in the bedroom and fool around. Funny, I guess all that sex talk made her horny. I said no of course.

Westway posted 10/8/2019 14:11 PM

A priest, advocating divorce? That's unusual-- would he support an annulment? They usually don't for infidelity. I'm glad he's on your side. He's right, it has been abusive. I'm glad you've decided and she's on board with this.

Yeah this is what he meant. He said if it came to it he would walk my WW and I through the process.

Interestingly enough, he's her confessor too. I know he can't tell me, but I wonder if she confessed her infidelity to him?

Buster123 posted 10/8/2019 14:19 PM

Basically after two hours of talking we established that she has never really been sexually satisfied with our marriage. Not because I am a bad lover, but because she does indeed have a thing for black men. She said she had been that way since she was 13 or 14 and that she always gravitated towards black boys instead of whites.

She claims she is attracted to me, but it is more out of all the years of affection than real physical desire. I asked her point blank if there was ever a time when she was really fully satisfied with me and our physical relationship and she flaty said no. She was crying when she was saying this, so I do think she gets the sense of how this has destroyed me. She even at one point told me that I could go out and find women to screw and that she would accept it. That really pissed me off. I then asked her, (while trying not to blow my top) if she could promise not to cheat on me any more and she said "no" she didn't think she could promise me that. She didn't ask outright for an open marriage but her intent was clear.

I told basically "well I didn't marry you to share you with other men. So if that is your feeling then I'm divorcing you." She just nodded and cried some more.

If there was any doubt, this is all you need to know and based on what you posted, it sounds you absolutely understand there's no coming back from this, protect yourself now and file for D now and get out of infidelity, you deserve much better.

beenthereinco posted 10/8/2019 14:25 PM

I have to add one more thing and this is as of this morning I am actually feeling really good, because I have decided on a course of action. I'm feeling positive for the first time in a long while.

Makes perfect sense. You have a direction to go now. Its not ideal but you can see a way out of infidelity. Good luck to you. I think you're going to be fine.

KingofNothing posted 10/8/2019 14:43 PM

Interestingly enough, he's her confessor too. I know he can't tell me, but I wonder if she confessed her infidelity to him?

Maybe, but I pretty much doubt it. I'm also Catholic, and have experienced something similar, but not exactly, like you have. I know that consulting with my priest was helpful but also interactive. He insisted on multiple visits and that I do my "homework" (read this or that book, etc). I think I might have noticed if she had been going through the same process. She either never brought it up or felt too ashamed of it to bring it up.


And it is interesting, but after our talk last night she asked me if I wanted to go in the bedroom and fool around. Funny, I guess all that sex talk made her horny. I said no of course.

Smart man. I never wanted to touch her again after DDay. Just seemed like a giant health risk.

ShutterHappy posted 10/8/2019 14:50 PM

Westway,

The only other advice I can give is to think how you will approach your D. Like everything else, you are a role model for your daughters. How would you want them to handle infidelity when they grow up? Probably by following your principles, in a calm and determined manner.

You priest is right. Infidelity is abuse. You refuse to have a third party in your marriage. You refuse to get abused. You take control of the situation and handle what needs to be done in a calm and fair way.

I wish you strength. You are doing very well.

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